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Cougar, in my opinion... you have to do what's right for you first... before anyone else. You should not, and do not, have to endure mental and/or physical abuse from anyone.

Sorry, but this guy seems like a real "mama's boy" with little temper tantrums thrown in for good measure.
 

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If he's violent towards you, get out and get out now.

No one deserves to be treated like this. PM me if you need to talk more one on one.

**hugs**
 

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Remember, this is YOUR life and you need to do what's right for you. You shouldn't have to put up with that crap. I know that starting over is hard but no one needs to be treated like that.
 

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I agree with everyone here, and I'd suggest reporting your concern about Bri to social services.

That husband of yours never grew up. You deserve to be with a man.
 

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If you stay, you will be miserable for life. You deserve better than that. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you, you deserve happiness.

Good luck.
 

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And I've had others talk to me about similar situations...

If you let a man get away with acting like a kid (no responsibility - life is all good times while you're stuck with the stress) then of course he's going to do it. They need someone in their life to say "I'm not going to take this" and leave them to do it for themselves. That is the only way they will learn and both of your lives (not yours, Cougar, specifically) will be better for it in the long run.
 

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Maybe step one should be telling bio mom (or maybe bio-grandma) that you intend to ask him to leave (and why) and that Briana will be staying with you. Seek legal guardianship or at the VERY LEAST get visitation rights.

I would not even see Johnny except at a counselors office. He will probably get quite charming as soon as he realizes he is out, yet you should try to make yourself ready for him to talk trash about you to everyone he knows. They will know the truth, but beer between buddies makes an odd but strong bond. He cannot hit you again, nor is he allowed to make you fear that will happen if you push him too far!!! I have made my husband crazy with my nasty, stupid ways, he has stood to leave, he has given me the silent treatment a few times, but never, ever, in our 28 years has he ever caused me any physical harm, given me empty threats or called me nasty names. I have done the same for him. We are all capable of not crossing certain lines.

You will be strong even though you may feel the weakest you have ever felt before.

Burning the rug for you cougar
 

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There is absolutely no guarantee that his violent outbursts won't be turned on Briana at some point.

I think it's wonderful that you have a bond with her, and I think it's also wonderful that you're thinking of her well-being, but you need to get out NOW.

I absolutely agree that social services should be called. While it's unlikely that you could get custody of Bri, at the very least, you may be able to get visitation, and keep her out of the negligent/abusive home. If the decision is made for her to be put into a foster home, you might be able to qualify as the foster parent and even adopt her, based on what social services decides about the biological parents.

I've had personal experience with this (although there wasn't a child involved), so if you'd like to PM me, please feel free to do so.
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by Cougar

If I leave, my husband may lose custody of Briana, and she would go back to the negligent psychopath. Johnny would definitely lose the nice house that we're renting from my parents. And Briana and I would be nothing to each other. Without a biological connection, I would never have the right to see her again. Does this mean I should stay? That's worth staying, right? Another cold night alone or dislocated wrist is worth a child's love, right? Please advise me VBers.
A dislocated wrist
violent outbursts....

Damn... He should use his malelovent energy of violence into helping you and the child more instead of stooging around.

If you have to leave Briana, that will be hard of course......

I say what Robert said: seems like social services is the most likely place to turn and make damn sure they are told frankly about the violent nature of "your husband Johnny" (pref with evidence) so that he can be made to hand over the child or be made to have HAWKISHLY REGULAR VISITATIONS from the social services AND get them to preferably rehouse the child with a relative or someone more stable if at all you can and use SS or legal advice to help find a loop in the parental law proceedures[?] and so let the child be able to reach an age until the child can think and act for her own safety & protection without fear of insecurity etc!!!!!!! ...Good Luck and report back to us at whenever you like !!!! We are non-officially the vegan police here you know ...team up with VB and stay close!!!!
take care.....ACT NOW and of course vent at will whilstever you can to help keep your sanity so that at least here you have refuge and so too Briana hopefully so you can both live free of being caught up in long term hell which you must prevent before it overwhelms you and the child...and IF that bond must be broken, don't suffer and go thru it all alone, ask friends if you can to support your outcry in providing reference of some sort for things you did to help the situation within whatever your means are/were...Such references or statements of sorts could well prove useful, and to be kept by someone in authority (SS) and at some point in future could be handed to the daughter in confidence so that she does not have biitterness misgivings about you when you are gone, so then

whatever else goes down, she (like you) can at least have a GOOD & ACCURATE LOVING memory of you with no mental scars!..

.As for IF/WHEN wots his name Johnny ends up with having long term/eventual custody (as is likely) you will still have people (ie, a RELIABLE friend/over-seer) WHOM YOU KNOW WELL PREFERABLY

... in the locality of his residence (when that time comes) keeping a watchful eye on the parent to guard against mistreatment of the child in case he loses control and becomes unfit to be caring for her, which of course gives me the idea about prooving him

"unfit" PERIOD/indefinately!!! which may actually be a way thru

it and may then result in being quite drawn out if you use this to way to avert/delay his custody, BUT AT THE VERY LEAST this may also lengthen your "right" to at least see the child don't you think, so obviously you need to weigh up these contingences as possible benefactors that can work in your favour... (at least for a time anyway)....
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
cougar. i kinda know where you're coming from. i've got a lazy husband no question about it. he's a cheater too. but on the flipside he is very hands on with my daughter. he is the only father she's known pretty much, this made it very hard to decide to leave him. he is not a violent man either. i took me a long time to finally say enough is enough. i wish you luck though in whatever you decide to do
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Your husband may not be violent towards Briana, but he (and you) are teaching her lesson: violence is ok. And you are teaching her to put up with it, by example.

You can't Briana if you don't help yourself. I would suggest a trial separation. If that won't work, perhaps marriage counseling. Divorce should be the last option--but it is still an option, and you can use it if you need to.

And you can still be a part of Briana's life, even if you do divorce your husband. You didn't say how long you've been married, but if you have played a significant part in raising Briana, the courts will probably allow some visitation, even if you are not her biological mother. I would see about getting the psychopath declared incompetent.

Even if the courts don't grant it, you can still be Briana's friend. Just because you leave her father, doesn't mean you have to leave her (and you can probably demonstrate to the courts that keeping you away from Briana could cause further harm to the child).

In the end though, you really have to take care of yourself first, or else you can't take of anyone else.
 

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I would leave, either with the child or without...depending on my feelings for her and the danger that I thought that she would be in.

If I left the child with him, I would not let him know what the child means to me. I would *begrudgingly* allow myself to be used as a frequent babysitter...

Or, I would try to get something on him (an illegal activity would be handy) and use it against him to remain in her life.

If neither of these worked, I would call social services.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Cougar

I have read this thread so many times and I finally decided to write.

Reading this is so disturbing to me - because I can hear your frustration, anger, sadness, fear and every other emotion that comes flying out when you are mentally and physically abused. I know all these feelings firsthand and the only thing I can tell you is that this NEVER gets better - it only becomes worse. As far as your step-daughter.......I agree with D.S.......you are teaching her that violence is "okay". She will only grow up to be either the abuser or the abused. I know the love you feel for her and the best thing to do is to report him to Social Services.

Also - I know that I have read about "other stuff" in a later thread that you have written. I guess he was "out all night". It seems to be that you aren't ready to take that last "step" and get out. The only person who knows when that will be is you. We can all tell you what to do and I know in your head you know that it's the right thing to do...........but your heart can tell you many other things. It's not wrong, either, to have these feelings. You are a sensitive and caring person and you probably still see the good in this person. I stayed with my ex for almost 4 years and 2 children. I endured 4 years or mental and physical abuse and just one day I woke up and went into the bathroom where he was getting ready for work and asked him to leave. No explosions, no screaming or drama - I just had reached my limit. I will say this to you - you MUST have a plan if you leave. The threats and abuse can get so much worse when you leave.

My advice to you would be to get in touch with a Battered Women's Program in your area.........just get some information from them that YOU feel would be helpful. And can I offer you this advice - in case you have to leave quickly............start getting a stash of money and hide it someplace OUTSIDE, that you can get to quickly. Along with some money - hide a bag a clothes and an extra set of car keys, etc., in case you have to run out. Don't keep this stuff too close to the house to where he can find them. I did this and I was able to get away. My ex continued to bother me, even though I moved from the West coast to the deep south. However, it was just mind games and I eventually learned it was a game. The bruises go away.........the mind stuff is harder to get away from.

Cougar, you deserve a life filled with love and happiness. Get yourself out of this situation quicky and safely. Would you not advise your best friend to get out of this situation? Why would you give yourself anything less. Take care of yourself and let all of know how you are doing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Cougar, I missed your original post, and only just read this thread today. Everyone else has already said what I would tell you. All I'll say is that as a police officer I've seen all too often just how wrong situations like yours can go. You need to get out, before he hurts you even worse, or Briana. Because she will end up hurt if this continues--if not directly by her father's hands, then in the future, when she ends up in an abusive relationship herself because she grew up thinking that domestic violence is the norm. It won't get better if you ignore it, and you and Briana both deserve a lot better than a life full of fear and anger and injury.

Please, Cougar, PM me about your situation. I won't preach at you or push you towards anything you don't feel comfortable with. I'll just try to help you sort through your options and point you towards some resources (legal, counseling, whatever you need) for people in your situation. There are a lot of incredibly caring people on this board, who are really worried and frightened for you. We want to help you, so reach out to us. Please. We can't do it for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Update

Everybody's curious, so I'll go ahead and tell all of you. Johnny needs me to win the custody case he and his (psycho) ex-girlfriend are involved in over my little pride and joy, Briana. I'm going to stick it out until the end of July. Kisses, I love yous, and sex are memories, now. We talked, tonight, about how irreconcilable our differences are. He's laying in the bedroom, crying; I'm sitting in the office with a lump of guilt in my throat. He needs me. I can feel it.

I told him that he knew the ambivalence I've felt from the beginning. I told him that this was no surprise. I tried to tell him how much I care. He doesn't believe me. He thinks my reasons for leaving are BS. I also told him that I never lied to him, that I was lying to myself.

Now, he's crying. Why shouldn't he be crying? I gave him everything. Why couldn't he reciprocate? My consummate support seems to have gone unnoticed, until last weekend, when I stayed at my brother's. I left yesterday, around noon, to spend more time with my brother. I came home this evening, at nine. He wanted to talk, because he didn't know where I was. I told him that he did know, but explained my position again. No amount of my persistence can comfort him now. I won't lead him (and myself) on anymore.

I wanted him to retain some confidence, for now. I know I'm a *****, but he needed me by his side. He has a job interview in a few days. He has to give a deposition on Tuesday, and the final court date is on July 28th. He would carry himself better if he knew I was by his side. I support him still, I just don't want to be his wife. I still crave happiness for him and Bri. I still care, but I'm not in love. I believe in honesty, above all, and I can't keep up a facade. So, he knows he's lost. I honestly do want him (and Briana) to have a beautiful life. I think things will be better for them without me around. My life has had a habit of taking on the characteristics of a roller coaster ride.

Thank you, muchly, for the support and concern. It's not over yet, but Johnny's accepting my profound lack of contentment. His illusions were finally shattered, tonight. I will finish what I can, and be gone around the 28th of July (exactly one month before our 4th anniversary). I will try to spend as much time away from him as I can until then.

Though I appreciate everyone's interest, I think I have enough people to confide in. I don't wish for anymore PMs or Emails on the subject, excet by the three guys on VB who know I consider them friends. Take care.
 

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How do you know that his ex girlfriend is psycho and should not have custody? Like Kamila said, these kinds of guys have a tendency to trash talk and vilify people who see through their sh** and confront them/ get away.

If she is not your biological daughter the only thing you can really do to help Briana is to hound social services with all that you know (or testify in the custody hearings, truthfully- perhaps that neither of them should have Briana) Sad as it is, there are limits on how you can help her, but there are far fewer limits on how you can help yourself.

Either way, I hope for the best for you Briana, and even your husband and his ex. Hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Quote:
Originally posted by Thalia

How do you know that his ex girlfriend is psycho and should not have custody? Like Kamila said, these kinds of guys have a tendency to trash talk and vilify people who see through their sh** and confront them/ get away.

I've know her for four years. She's assulted me, left Briana home alone so she could go party, given me death threats, worn men's underwear with no pants in public-I could go on, but I'll spare you the rest.
 
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