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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Arghh I have done a bad bad thing and lied to my mother.

Well, ok I have lied to her before but normally in a roundabout way but this time ....


She asked me if I had got any new piercings since she had last seen me (which I have - 1) and I said, without thinking, "no".

And now I don't know what to do. I feel terrible.

I could take it out so she would never know, but then I would feel as if I am not being true to myself.

Plus, I am 20 ! I am not 12. But I still feel guilty.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I don't do it to hurt her, but it does upset her.

I feel so childish not wanting to take it out, but I guess I don't have the heart or the courage to tell her I've lied.

So I am wondering...what would you do? And, if you were in her shoes what would you want?
 

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well, at 20, i would have told the truth because i didn't care that mom hated my nose piercing. it is my body and as an adult i have a right to decorate it anyway i see fit.

what'd ya get pierced?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Well I didn't intentionally set out to lie - it was just out of my mouth before I realised. *sighs*

I got a vertical labret done. I have thought of compromising though and removing my old lip ring. Might soften the blow.

I know it is my body.. and I've tried many times to explain why I feel the need to do these things but it still reduces her to tears. It makes me think that perhaps I should stop putting myself first for a change.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes... I think she sees it as mutilation. Or, at least, she can't understand why I find that metal adds to my beauty haha.

Maybe she is dissapointed. I don't know to be honest. But I feel... repulsive about this.
 

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well, i do believe that honesty is the best policy.

you can't own or feel responsible for your mother's emotions. those are her dominion. how she reacts to something that is safe, legal, and a means of self-expression isn't your fault. personally i think she's overreacting. neither my mom or my stepdad liked it when i got my nose pierced 10 years ago, but they didn't cry about it...they just "tsk-tsk'd" me or told me it looked ugly or dumb. the crying thing, that seems kind of manipulative.
 

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Tell your mom the truth. Tell her you lied before: that you don't know why you lied and your sorry. Honesty is the key to any healthy relationship. Don't remove your piercings for her sake. They're yours, and it is up to you whether or not to have them. Don't let this accidental lie get out of hand
 

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Okay, I am a mom and I would not like my children to get piercings. Because unlike youth, they are so perminent. I really don't like piercings or tatoos...but, at 20 it is your choice.

I think it is nice that you don't want to hurt your mom and maybe you could compromise, somehow? I mean for me personally a bellybutton ring would be much better than a nose or lip one.

Maybe she would hate one kind less than another?
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by mushroom

Okay, I am a mom and I would not like my children to get piercings. Because unlike youth, they are so perminent. I really don't like piercings or tatoos...but, at 20 it is your choice.

I think it is nice that you don't want to hurt your mom and maybe you could compromise, somehow? I mean for me personally a bellybutton ring would be much better than a nose or lip one.

Maybe she would hate one kind less than another?
heh. i am a mom and i have piercings. a nose and a lip, to be exact. i wear jewlery in them all the time. piercings aren't neccessarily permanent. and unlike tattoos, you can take them out and people don't notice them if you don't want them too.

whenever someone used to get upset at my piercings i'd just point at their pierced ears and they'd have to shut up.
 

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You didn't actually lie, you just forgot. You're twenty years old. If she ever notices just say "Oh, I didn't realize you hadn't seen that one."
 

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This could actually be a good thing if you can handle it.

It is time for your mother to know that her reaction is inappropriate. You could now tell her that you hate having a lie between you and her, that you did not mean to lie and that it is an oversight on your part but if she is going to go off on you on this subject then you would prefer to not discuss this with her. Piercings are not sin, they are not drugs or tickets for reckless driving. They simply make a cultural statement, they are not all that permanent, they grow back and the scare is often much less then acne scars.

She should know that you do not want to hurt her or lie to her but she must consider how you feel when she starts crying about a piercing. Unless she can change that (because I am sure you know how she feels about them, she doesnt need to keep letting you know) then it is a subject you will not talk to her about. After establishing this then you can gently remind her next time she brings it up that this is not a subject you are willing to talk to her about and have a different subject ready. She will not like this but it is or could hurt your relationship with her.

Love her lots, encourage or reward her when she complies with this relational boundary.

And best of luck.
 

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I like a lot of the responses, but there are a few things that bug me:

1) you didn't lie because you "forgot" or "didn't think about it". Not unless you lie so much that it is natural. Be responsible. You chose to lie. Period.

2) she didn't "make" you like. Again. This was your choice.

3) it isn't her fault that you felt that you needed to lie. It is yours. We teach people how to treat us. You are 20 years old. You are an adult. There should be absolutely no discussion on what you decide to do with your body.

This is what I would do, personally. I would go to your Mom, and I would tell her that I lied and I have lied in the past. I would tell her that I don't want to lie anymore, as that isn't the person that I perceive myself to be. I envision, instead, a person who doesn't lie, just because other people's reactions make me uncomfortable. I would apologize, but only if I felt that I needed to in order to become a person who doesn't lie.

I would then, very calmly, tell her that I will no longer discuss my piercings or anything else that I choose to do to my body with her. I would tell her that this is obviously a place of disagreement between us, and that I am no longer interested in getting into arguments or drama about what I choose to do. I would tell me Mom that I love her and respect her opinions, but this subject is closed.

From that point on, I would no longer discuss piercings, etc. If she brought up the subject I would tell her that I am no longer talking about it, and, if she pushed, I would tell her that I have to leave and I would go. I wouldn't get mad, I wouldn't be ugly. I would just make it clear that it is no longer up for discussion in any way, shape or form, and if she insisted on pushing it, the consequence would be for your conversation to end.

You see, in this manner, you are taking responsibility for all of your choices, and allowing your Mom to make her own choices, too (don't bring up the subject, or you won't be talking at that moment with her). You have made it clear what you have done in the past, what you see for yourself in the future, and the way that you are going to handle your descisions.
 

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kreeli writes:

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How she reacts to something that is safe, legal, and a means of self-expression...

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Every piercing is less safe than not piercing. Some kinds of piercing carry quite substantial risks to the tissue being pierced as well as to other tissues that are nearby, or not so nearby. For example tongue piercings endanger teeth. Teeth are an important part of digestion.

There are lots of kinds of self-expression that are even safer than sitting around doing nothing (like me telling you all what I think of piercings). Clothing, makeup and jewelry are all much safer than piercings, and have just as much, more, potential for self expression than risky piercings.
 

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Kreeli writes:

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whenever someone used to get upset at my piercings i'd just point at their pierced ears and they'd have to shut up.

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I have no pierced ears to point to. You want to point to someone else's pierced ears? I don't approve of piercing ears any more than I approve of piercing any other part of the body. Gender is irrelevant. Piercing of ears is no more right for women than it is right for men. Causing pain or injury to oneself is no more right than it is to cause pain or injury to someone else. Being legal doesn't make it right. If i had a daugter i would feel just as sad and cry just as much if she pierced an earlobe, as if she pierced anything else.

I didn't spend 21 years doing my best to protect her from every conceivable harm and every conceivable injury, even the tiniest cuts and scrapes, just to see her go and intentionally injure herself just as soon as it was no longer my responsibility to protect her from cuts and scrapes.

If I was at the picnic grounds with my, say, 12-year-old daughter and I saw someone sterilizing a needle over their propane cookstove, and then I saw them come in our direction and try to stick the needle into her butt, I do whatever I could to stop the crazed attacker, no matter how sterile the needle, and how "safe" it would be to have a sterilized needle stuck in her butt. When she turns 21 and, say, she wants to stick the same needle in her earlobe, herself -- nothing would change about how I felt about the situation. I'll always want to protect my daughter from such injury, no matter who is threatening to perform the injury, no matter how old she gets.
 

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Well, I don't agree with piercing a baby's ears, but I do believe adults should have the right to do it if they want to. I don't find anything "wrong" with it, it just isn't my personal taste.

I also would want my children to be honest with me.
 

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To this day, if I were to walk into my mother's house with a pierced ear...I would walk out with a missing ear lobe. Don't laugh, those 68-year-old women have lightning quick reflexes. It would be like a cobra strike.
 

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Since we're talking about peircings....I still have nightmares about my Mother pulling the ice cube and needle out on me one night when I was six. It was almost a rite of passage for the trailor park set back then. Now my daughter wants hers peirced, and I'm going to hold her off as LONG as possible. She did light a match under the needle first to make sure it was sterile, in case anyone is wondering.

As for giving advice here, I think you are feeling guilty cause you know you did wrong in lying to your Ma. Fix it by acting like the adult that you are.

Good luck!
 

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If you tell her you "lied" to her you'll probably make the situation worse.. as she might get rather emotional over the fact that you got a piercing and lied about it (Even though it wasn't lieing, but still she will most likely percive it as this)

If it were me the next time I spoke to her I'd tell her I'd got it done after that phone call......

I'm getting my tongue pierced as soon as I turn 16!!! I can't wait, I've wanted it done for about 5 years, and I have begged my parents to let me for ages.. and the response was alway "You can do it when you're 16".. Now that 16's getting closer (3 months away), My dad absolutely hates the idea and says "Like hell you're getting it done before you're 18" But my mum says she'll talk him round.. She doesn't want me to get it done either.. But she knows that they have both promised me for years, so backing out of that would be wrong!!!!

I want more piercings, (Nose, lip, more ears, and hand) but I think I'll definately have to wait until I'm over 18 for those... As well as a tattoo.. But I've decided I'm going to wait until at least 19 before I get my tattoo.. So that I won't chose something that I think is cool now.. But in a few year I'll hate.... Btw at the moment I think I'll get a sheep!!

Piercings may not be all that safe, but what is nowdays? You can't live in fear, of what might happen.... Just as long as the person being pierced is doing it for themself.. Not because of something stupid such as "It will make me look cool" or "everyone else has it done" then I think it's fine!!!

Last night on talkback the guy was talking about how he has friends (female ones) that smoked and were over 20, but still didn't want to tell their mothers as of fear of disapproval.. But he said he'd never come across a male in the same situation.....

I found that rather true and interesting....

Danny
 
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