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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just got a call from my mother today. After 27 years of marriage, her and my father are getting a divorce.<br><br><br><br>
I am not sad, but I am surprised. My family has never been that great. Let's just say that my childhood was bad, very bad. My parents fight all the time, I guess finally, my dad just had enough.<br><br><br><br>
The day before their 27th anniversary, he told her that he wanted out of the marriage. She's been staying with my aunt ever since. It's just weird. I'm not sure how to react.<br><br><br><br>
I certainly don't want to take sides, but I know that my mother will expect me to take her side. But I really don't want to.<br><br><br><br>
Everything is up in the air now, my mother doesn't know where she is going to live, what's going to happen to the house, the pets, etc. It's going to be a really stressful adjustment to everyone.<br><br><br><br>
Do any of you guys have experience with this? Any advice? I am kind of at a loss of words about all this.
 

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I'm sorry to hear that but it sounds like it's for the best and long overdue.<br><br><br><br>
Just remember, you are an adult, you don't have to take sides. And they shouldn't expect you to. You'll do fine.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks, Michael. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
I think that it's for the best too. I mean, I couldn't stand living with my mother for 18 years, I can't imagine how my father felt. Not that it's all her fault, but she does have lots of issues that she should deal with.<br><br><br><br>
Maybe this will make them both think about how they both behave, and maybe they'll try to improve themselves. I really don't know. I talked to my dad just now. He sounds like he's willing to try and work things out. But I think it's just too far past that. He said he's only got a few good years of his life left, and that he doesn't want to spend them fighting all the time. Which I understand.<br><br><br><br>
Both of them seemed worried about how I was going to react. I told them to worry about themselves, it's not like I'm 5 or something. It's just more weird than anything else.
 

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I was only eight years old when my parents divorced.<br><br><br><br>
Don't pick sides, don't let yourself be used in their fights. It's the only sensible thing I can say on the subject.<br><br><br><br>
I also agree with Michael: it's for the best and they'll probably both be a lot happier.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck in this stressful period!
 

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Heh, we just talked in chat - I should've read this thread first (then maybe I could have given some sensible insights).
 

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I understand where you are coming from. My parents divorced after being married for over 20 years... THe thing was that, I was still quite young, but my brothers had lived through the horrible marriage my parents had for far longer than I had. They were almost relieved. I remember my parents trying to get me to take sides. It was a no brainer really, my dad was a raving alcoholic. But, I can still remember not wanting to take sides and turning it into an all out barn burning brawl.<br><br>
After 20 years of marriage it was too late for my parents too. I often times wonder why the hell it took that long. I dont know how either of them stood it. I was ten and from what I remember it was like living in hell most of the time. All the fighting and yelling and threats to leave. I remember many times running after my mom as she would take off walking down the street. Terrifying!<br><br>
I can tell you from experience it is probably very likely for the best.It is probable that they have spent so much time fighting that they have forgotten who they are as people. I know that happened to my mom. She is soo happy and much better off now. Hopefully, both of your parents can come from this experience and live happier and what would essentially be healthier lives(it cant be healthy fighting all the time). I hate fighting, I can understand your dad's point,,, who would want to spend so much time fighting....<br><br><br><br>
if you need anything, advice, someone to talk to vent to or whatever, let me know<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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If your mother tries to get into a discussion about how horrible your father is then just say "he's my father, I'm not going to badmouth him". I agree you don't have to take sides especially as you don't have to live with either of them. Sometimes I feel like the avocado in the sandwich (LOL) between my mum and my dad but I just say as little as possible and don't volunteer information. If I'm mad at one of them I try not to talk about it with the other. I talk to my brother instead! They've been divorced since I was 4 though so I'm used to it... but it still affects my life. The wedding will be interesting.
 

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My parents divorced when I was a Teen. It was a shock, cause there were no signs. My parents didnt fight in front of us, or anyone else. My mom just uped and moved out one day. I resented my mother for the longest time. It took a long time for me to adjust and accept what she did. I kinda took sides in a sense, cause I thought my mother just left for no good reason.<br><br><br><br>
Here it is, like another 17-18 years later.. and she did it again with my step father. I definately see the pattern in her leaving that marriage. She did the same exact thing to my step-father. He did not see it coming. They never fought, I guess they just never really discussed their issues, cause my step-father was dumbfounded.<br><br><br><br>
My mother has married again for the third time.. and boy did she rush into this marriage..... Is the third time a charm... and even if she gives this marriage like 16 or so years (this seems to be the pattern) she will be too old to leave.<br><br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Dont take sides, you are an adult. Just deal with your feelings on the issue, and be there for both.
 

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Love them both and keep your distance until the dust settles. They are your parents, but I am guessing they are about my age, and I will tell you up front being 53 doesn't make you more sensible or immune to wanting revenge and wanting people to take sides. Being 53 doesn't make us wise in the ways of our own divorce--only in giving advice to other people. Don't expect wisdom nor balance out of them. Do not take either one of them into your home unless you want it live in the middle of the tornado. Refuse to speak ill or listen to bad mouthing about either one from the other. Everytime you see them tell them you love them, but do not become their carpet. I would not trust myself at 53 to stay wise and balance and fair minded while in emotional pain. Stay out of the war. That is the best advice I can give you from one old lady about two other old people (your parents). When we are in pain, we can't be trusted any more than adolescents.
 

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As much as you want to be there for your parents and be supportive during this time, I would suggest you limit the time you listen to them about this issue, both for your sake and theirs. I've often heard of mothers who get divorced and their children become their 'new best friends' and the shoulder to cry on. This isn't healthy. If either parent is having a really hard time, I would suggest a support group for divorced people. They have them in most communities.
 

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Been there .. done that! I used to have major problems with my dad but after my mom finally moved out when I was in high school I realized how great he is and what a selfish person she had been all those years. My older sis even has told me how many problems she used to have with our mom and how good my dad was to her!<br><br><br><br>
Just don't take sides.. and don't do anything for either one of them that you suspect may go against the other!
 

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I guess I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't know how long this has been true, but I just found out. My parents are living in the guise of marriage for the sake of us. They're legally seperated. And I was the only one here that didn't know.<br><br><br><br>
I guess I wan't supposed to, but I came across it one day. It's still shocking, and it still hurts. I haven't confronted them with it, because.. well, I don't know why. I just can't do it. They still sleep in the same bed, live together, etc. I thought they were still together, and I had a good feeling of "my parents are still together!" if my friend's parents ever divorced or something. I am just ESPECIALLY hurt that I didn't know. I mean, when did they plan on telling me? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br><br><br>
So, I can kinda sympathize with you...
 

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have you considered counseling to help them through the divorce or even maybe help them find what was apparently lost many years ago. when I divorced my ex and I had marriage counseling not to get back together, but to help deal with the issues of divorce and the pain of the break up. it seems odd yes, but I think it was a great help. we were able to voice what we needed to for closure as well as know for sure this was what was best for us. it gave us a chance to really see if our marriage worth saving.. had we felt as though we should work it out we could have .<br><br><br><br>
good luck and blessings.
 

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My parents divorced when I was in college. They were married for 25 years. It was worse than I thought it would be even though I wasn't living at home anymore. They tried to put me right in the middle and each tried to make me their confidant. One would call me to complain about the other. After being married for that long neither of them knew how to be single and came to me for advice. It was very uncomfortable for me hearing them talk about going out and dating! Definitely not a healthy parent/child relationship. Eventually I had to tell them I didn't want to be in that role.<br><br><br><br>
Hugs to you! I hope your parents will respect you and not try to put you in the middle of their battles.
 

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My heart aches for you. There is so much good advice here; I hope you will embrace it. Sometimes the heart of the manipulation is a cry for love and acceptance. If possible, perhaps you could communicate your love and acceptance of your parents while standing firm on the fact that they must not speak ill of the other to you. You could mention that you do not allow the other parent to trash the one you are speeking to, you expect the same standard from this one. It will be like having an elephant in the room that no one acknowledges but it must perhaps be done.<br><br><br><br>
Safe yet close to the heart of the matter might be the subject of starting of a new home, learning about finances, subjects on starting over, but be very firm about not allowing talk that hurts. I would also draw the line about speaking of anger or loneliness. Have the card of a pastor, rabbi, or community counseling hot line ready to give when your parent seems to go to far. Be ready with a different subject. You might make use of these resources yourself.<br><br><br><br>
Sometimes parents need a grown up to guide them. How odd to find out it is their child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Thanks for all the advice and support, everyone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> I appreciate it.<br><br><br><br>
Well, I talked to my mom again the other night, and she has changed her tune. Before she was saying that it was partially her fault, and was willing to go to counselling together. Now she is saying that it's all his fault and that the only way she would ever consider getting back together with him is if he grovels and goes to therapy alone. I knew this would happen, as my mother is a very vindictive and manipulative person. She never accepts responsibility for anything.<br><br><br><br>
But whatever, I just listened to her, and didn't agree or disagree with her. I figure that they both need to vent. My dad was away on business this week, so I haven't heard from him.<br><br><br><br>
My mother is always really needy and clingy, and she demands people take her side on all things, so this is probably going to become really difficult for me. Just saying that I don't want to take sides isn't going to be enough for her. I can't even begin to imagine what holidays are going to be like. And if my dad gets a new girlfriend? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/shocked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":eek:"> I can definately see my mother having a breakdown.<br><br><br><br>
I can see her asking to live with me and my husband. She already hinted that she can't stay with my aunt for long. But there is no way I'm letting her live here. I would go completely insane, and so would Carrotvision.<br><br><br><br>
They are both supposed to call some time today. I wonder if they've calmed down a bit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Well some time has passed, so I thought I'd give an update. If anyone is interested, which they probably aren't, but anyways...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p"><br><br><br><br><br><br>
My dad has moved out of the house, and into an apartment just this past week. My mom called to tell me this last night. She said that he has been over visiting her every day, and still expects her to make him dinner! And she does!! Weird! I had a friend this past year who was getting a divorce, and the same thing happened with her; she'd make him dinner and he'd visit a lot. I just find that kind of f**ked up! But I don't know, I've never been seperated or divorced, so maybe this is common behaviour for the first little bit?<br><br><br><br>
My dad hasn't talked to me for awhile now. He's never been a talkative dad, and rarely shows his emotions. But right after he decided to split, he talked to me about his feelings and stuff. But now, nothing. Not that I want to know the nitty gritty of what's going on (believe me, I get enough of that from my mom) but I thought it was good for him to be able to vent to someone. Now it's like he's shut down again, and I just find that sort of sad.<br><br><br><br>
I think they've pretty much decided not to go to counselling. My mom actually said to me yesterday that she doesn't want to "diss" my dad to me. I was shocked! For one, because she said the word "diss" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p"> and secondly, because she realizes that she can't expect me to take her side on this. Which, I think, is a big accomplishment for her.<br><br><br><br>
Parents are weird, and life is weird. But things are okay <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Parents are indeed weird. I grew up in a family where my parents were separated from the time I was 13 until...Good GOD, I guess I was about 23 and about to get married myself. They finally divorced, bizarre. One of the rules in the house though, that I remember distinctly, was...(My mother speaking) "I can call your father whatever I want, but he is still your father and you will respect him for that." It took me a long time to understand that she was trying to protect us from the venting that she needed and she never wanted to influence how we felt about him. She was very open about the fact that the problems that they had indeed had very little to do with us as children but more to do with them as adults that couldn't resolve problems. Believe me, I heard my share of venting, but that one thing always stuck, my mother and father might have been angry at each other and had problems, but I truly, to this day (at 32) don't believe for a second that my brother and I had any part in what happened between two adults that grew apart.<br><br><br><br>
Best wishes to you and yours in coping through - even though you are an adult - it is a difficult time.
 
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