Amen to that life, you're right, for me, forgiveness (at leat initial forgiveness) was a decision and something I had to decide every morning for months. Finally, after a year or so, came real actual moving on forgiveness and wishing him the best.
It's not a pie in the sky decision either. It's plain old ordinary everyday hard work. LOL.
I was never abused physically, but when I was younger my dad screwed with my head a lot. He dragged my mom through a painfully long, grueling divorce when I was three and accused her in court of having borderline personality disorder (which she doesn't!). My mom was with my stepdad at that point and he had to spend his entire savings paying for the legal fees. My dad was unemployed so he qualified for legal aid. My mom had a good job, and she didn't.
So when he'd get a visit with me and my brother he'd try to manipulate us into hating my mom and stepdad. I was 6 at that point and the first time I came back home, he'd had such an impression upon me that I was actually terrified of my parents. Not to mention that he'd taken us to McDonald's (
) at least 3 times a week, and I'd been there for 8 weeks. At 6 years old, I'd put on 10 pounds. This was about 1/5 of my former weight! My brother did too.
He did a whole lot of other crap, but that really sticks out in my mind. Luckily, my parents put us in counselling after that incident and we realised what he was doing.
He made me generally miserable until I was 14, when he met a woman he wanted a family with and went in and out of my life. Then he tried to come back when I was 17, and I told him to screw off. It was a very proud moment for me
I block out a lot so I can say a little. It is like I remember going over to a house, as a teen saying no then I was home in between is gone. Honestly that type of thing has happened a few times. My first few long-term bfriends told me that everyone hated me but them. The second we would get drunk and get into really physical fights. A few months after we broke up for the last time he would stalk me. He would show up at my work and either say how much of a B**** I was or ask me to marry him. I still get really scared when my hubbie gets mad and brakes things even if he has not hurt me in any way and I know he wont. Anyway I usually do not share anything like this.
Oh yes, I was emotionally abused for a little while. Fortunately for me, I was able to recognize it and escape it before it got too far. I dated the guy only 5 months, and he was the one to break it off in the end anyway. I was the one who told him no, I wouldn't marry him. He was foreign and actually tried to coerce me into marrying him "for love" so he could get his Green Card and live here permanently. I was kind of brainwashed, and he tried to control my thoughts and isolate me and he ridiculed me a lot and put me down. OH man, I could write about it forever. Actually, I already have a lot in my online journal. I am very familiar with all of those sickening feelings and offensive actions and horrible emotions that result from abuse like that. It REALLY sucks. Damn...... Yea... so anyway... it happens. It happens a lot more frequently than people think because emotional abuse is so subtle, hidden and undetectable. It's so brainwashing. I think it can happen to even the strongest of people without them even realizing it.
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, not not a physically or sexually abusive one. I was in it for 16 months before realising he would never change and the only reason I was holding on was because he was the "first". It was probably the hardest and most mature thing I did at that age (18). My mum was so proud, and realised I had a very strong will, her words were " a streak of steel down your spine" because I was so devastated at breaking up with him but adamant it was the right decision. And it was. Since then my relationships have all been fine, just not worked out through incompatibilities or the guy not wanting to commit!
I have been harrassed though, at a couple of jobs, but nothing really came of either. I did think I got fired from one job because of it (yeah, like it was my fault - and I said "well actually I quit" LOL) but the other the management took it really seriously as it was me and another woman... most of the bad sexual experiences I've had have been with strangers I've just met.
Well, I told him a little just to help him understand a little. He has been making an effort to control his anger. I also can calm him down a lot when he gets that way. Sometimes I just leave the room and leave him alone for a while. I have been trying to find an anger management thing for him but we have no time or money.
Girlystar, there are a lot of free programs out there for people in your situation. It would seem to me that even if he isn't hurting you, you might both benifit from free or low cost counciling and anger management classes. It really does help if you can see someone outside the problem...an objective third party as it were.
yeah, I can post here. I grew up with two wonderful parents who did everything they could to protect me, but my f*cking pedophile uncle got to me before I even started school. (And two of his daughters, and his sister-in-law when she was 12 and living with them after their dad died.) In that boat, there's a lot of anger still b/c my aunt is still married to him, even though my mom has offered to house her and provides all her emotional support - she really doesn't get any from him after over 30 years of this 'marriage'. . . for that situation, I won't bring my BF to that area for holidays or anything, because he says he doesn't think he could be civil around my uncle. I never told my dad because it would break his heart, and I don't know if he could control his anger. My stepdad also refuses to go around him, and my mom - knowing how all of this affects her daughter, sisters, and nieces - actually went to therapy and 'pictured him dead' in an effort to 'kill her anger'...
(this next part is, well, too personal, so please don't read this if details bother you.)
...But it really screwed me up. I was always sort of over-smart and under-social, but this really began to impact me as I got older. When I was 14 I had a nervous breakdown, stopped getting out of bed and eating for the last month of 9th grade, cutting myself, etc... at around 69 lbs they put me in the hospital, and I went in and out of inpatient, day-patient, and outpatient therapy for the next four years. My first relationship, when I was 16, was thoroughly emotionally abusive and ended in sexual assault. I didnt see anyone else for two years, and everything got really messed up after that. I lost my virginity to a childhood friend, without meaning to (it's impossible to describe, but I was so frozen with fear for the entire situation that I didn't say a word, or do a thing) - he never spoke to me again. A month later, a very close friend of mine slept with me, and as I broke down crying for pretty much the whole beginning, he promised he wouldn't leave me or do all the awful things boys had done to me in the past, but that it would take a little while for him to get his head together so he could 'do me right' in a relationship, and then we'd be happy together - he didn't talk to me for a couple months after, and the next time I saw him, he had a new girlfriend. After another year or so, I had a purposeful one night stand to 'prove to myself' that I was capable of not being the one to get left behind (proved nothing, that included some awful forced stuff as well). Another year or so passed, with little to speak of. The next boy I dated I actually really liked, and thought he reciprocated. But after a month or so, it was nothing but guilt trips and emotional BS - he never did anything nonconsensual, but he cheated on me, excused much of it because it was with a boy, wound up prostituting himself, etc... it was nightmarish.
And then I met Philip, online of all places, living 3,000 miles from me. We founded our relationship on who we were, talking, getting to know each other, without the (for me) scary, in-person contact most relationships have. After over five months, we met IRL for the first time. Saw him again about four months later, and three months after that, I moved to be with him when timing was right with school and all of that. And now, things are different. He does harbor some anger towards the people who've wronged me, but we both know it's in the past, and he knows the positive change he makes is by being a loving partner, and not some sort of manipulator. We talk, and talk, and talk about these things when I'm upset. It doesn't help that I probably have endometriosis (painful sex, painful...almost everything 'female' as a result sometimes), but we're very clear with each other on what's emotional, what's physical, etc.
So I'm in a way better place now... but still, I find myself starting to cry typing this, and many times crying just looking in the mirror and cursing being female, looking weak/small, whatever... there have also been several other attempted things, one of them actually a year ago at a gas station in Nevada when Philip and his brother were in the parking lot, and every time something even begins like that... it brings it all back. When I was 18, I was being stalked (followed, harassed, exposed to his penis in public places, etc) by someone and the police were no help... and with each thing like that, I wonder what I've done to deserve it, etc.
Such a can of worms. I can't believe I typed all that, I'm sorry. I guess I wanted to get it out. Everyone here is so strong...
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