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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I've been seeing a guy for the past month and I'm having a problem that I foresaw before I even met this guy: jealousy like with any girl that even talks to him. I know exactly where these feelings come from and why I have them but I can't seem to get over them. Its not this guy's fault, he's really respectful and we were friends for about 4/5 months before we started seeing each other so I know he's a decent guy.
Both my two most recent exs cheated on me. Well I know Mike, the guy I dated two years ago did. And Steve the guy I was dating last year would say he cheated on me when ever we had a fight - i think he was just saying that to make me angry but still it caused a lot of trust issues. Going into the relationship with the second ex I already had trust issues and I told him about them and he swore he wouldn't be like my ex. I'm not going to get into it but Mike was abusive and the relationship with Steve ended with me being in the ER.
So apparently my type is the jerk kind and I'm just afraid of it happening again. I know I need to learn to trust people and I don't want to distrust the guy I'm seeing now over something that isn't his fault. But i've gotten a little snippy with him and his neighbor because of my jealousy issues and even though I'm good at controlling it around him I still feel like sh!t and distrusting all the time.
Has anyone else been cheated on, or is a survivor of domestic violence, how did you get over it?
 

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Don't make your current bf pay for the sins of the former

Irrational jealousy like that killed my marriage. I thought I was in a happy, committed and monogamous relationship with my wife but she was not convinced, and sabotaged our marriage because she could not trust me due to history with someone else.
Ironically, now I'm in a relationship that could be described as being close to polyamorous, and even though the two people I'm involved with probably have every reason to be jealous, they actually aren't and it is kinda weird. Now, I have almost developed my own trust issues from constantly thinking "why is this going so well and why aren't we fighting about this?"

My advice to you about your bf would be to act on evidence about cheating taking place, not an assumption.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Yeh I know, the problem is I don't know how to go about doing that :S Like I know it would be unfair to accuse him of something and I'm fully aware this is my issue and not his. But the problem is when I start getting jealous I just kind of shutdown and become really withdrawn. I've sort of talked to him about it but I have a really hard time with opening up about personal stuff like this. The problem I'm having is dealing with this on a personal level, like when I start getting jealous I get anxiety and it kind of ruins my whole day.
 

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Being cheated by someone is the worst feeling....its really difficult to get over it very fast,it definitely takes time.When i was being cheated i don't know how i managed everything...i was losted.I know that pain.Just want to say that time is the best healer.
 

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I've been cheated on before and it rocked everything going on in my life at the time. I still feel jealous and worried at times, but I consider myself lucky that my boyfriend is very considerate of this. I make an effort to be open and tell him whenever I feel insecure, and in turn he makes a big effort to set that right. I will say that the biggest thing that has helped me has just been time, and lots of it. It's really not something that someone can just 'get over'.
 

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I would say communicating with your current bf about your feelings and experiences will help. I can be a bit jealous, and it has always worked about better to tell my boyfriend in a nice way how I'm feeling. If he's aware of it, he can try not to exasperate your issues and even help you get over them.
 

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To be honest and completely forthright with you, I don't think it's fair of you to be in a relationship with low self-esteem/trust issues. I think you need to work those out on your own.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I should have clarified (and sorry for the late response I got a job and I was busy before that looking for it lol), but we were never in a relationship it was just casual but yeh I kind of screwed things up
But we're still friends so it worked out the way it was supposed to.
 

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Any Google search on the words 'infidelity', 'emotional' and 'needs' will bring up multiple sources that discuss the same theme. That infidelity always has its roots in the cheating partners emotional needs being unfulfilled in their existing relationship.

To feel trusted is a common emotional need.

Jealousy and mistrust from one partner ensure that that particular emotional will not be fulfilled in t'other.

In that way fear of infidelity, which manifests as jealousy and mistrust, can be a self fulfilling prophecy.
 

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Seperate musing on the same theme which comes from a very painfull personal experience ..

People always think of emotional needs as being positive ones.

This is not always the case. Screwed up people (approximately 99.99% of us, that is?) can also have negative emotional needs.

It is entirely possible that a partner will cheat on you for not fulfilling their negative emotional needs as much as it is so for not fulfilling their positive ones.
 
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