[Strix]

What do you think of the generality that men make decisions in relationships, based on fear?

A friend of mine read this analysis by a psychologist in a magazine and we and a few others had a gabfest about it.

It turned out that when we all analyzed the relationships we've had, going back as to the roots of why "X" happened, it was, generally true. On the surface it didn't necessarily look that way sometimes, but tracing back to possible cause-effect reasoning seemed to yield this result.

*(This isn't to say this is true for all men; but it's a similar view to the generalization that men are visual and women are more audible. It's possible that it is true for the most part, as opposed to an absolute. And I know plenty of women who make fear-based decisions!)*

What do you think? Do men make decisions based on fear? Do they worry about your response/reaction and use that as a guide for self preservation?

to get what they want? or maybe to manipulate, conceal, or to gain confidence? Other reasons?

Men, what do you think? Only honest men should answer ;P

And, women, what's your view?

And those with same-sex partners, how do you see this? Is it a sexist question? Do you think this leads into stereotyping of "role playing," and, if so, are there not roles being played in all relationships, excluding or including the stereotype?

My conclusion is that I take everyone as they come at me with as little expectation as possible. I never assume a man will act or react a certain way. There may be general truths, but I'd rather see it as a general truth about humans. Having said that, this may be why I have yet to understand men : D

 

[muppetcow]

Quote:

Originally posted by Strix



What do you think? Do men make decisions based on fear? Do they worry about your response/reaction and use that as a guide for self preservation?

to get what they want? or maybe to manipulate, conceal, or to gain confidence? Other reasons?

I think men AND women both make decisions in relationships based on the others response. Don't know if I'd consider it fear-based, though, so much as not wanting to upset the other.

I think some fear comes into play when you are in a serious relationship. The guy I'm seeing got serious cold feet a couple weeks ago and told me he didn't think he was ready for all the shi* that comes along with being boyfriend/girlfriend and that he wasn't sure he wanted to see me anymore. Couple of days later he recanted and said he loved me and all that...I think he was probably afraid of his feelings and getting in too deep. But, that's not necessarily a man thing--I had (and still do have) the same fears. The difference is that I didn't freak out like he did.

 

[Baby]

I think both men and women tend to make decisions based on fear, and expectation. I think we just fear different things. How much of your wants are based simply on the opposite being what you don't want, i.e. what you're afraid of? Sometimes, I think living in the moment is the only way to be fearless...and, how many of us do that?

Are you asking the questions because you fear men being afraid? I know there's some expression about never trusting a coward because they aren't loyal, and they aren't predictable. I'd like to be courageous enough to trust the unknown. Just because someone has different motivations, fears and inspirations than I do doesn't mean they are not trust worthy, or more fear based than I am.

I think culture tends to support womens fears more then mens, so it's easier for a mans fear to stand out, and look like more of a problem.

 

[Strix]

I think the conclusion of the psychologists was that fear-based decisions made by men are out of fear of displeasing women or fear of pissing them off, fear of being put out, etc.

So, basically, this is selfish and self serving, in my opinion. And it ends up being a failure to communicate.

Baby, do I fear being afraid? lol. No, I fear that I might fear being afraid

No, just joking, it was just a very interesting conversation we had, and I found it weird how so many decisions we make are based on fear. It reminded me of something Michael Moore was talking about once, about how we are, to an extent, a fear-motivated society. We react based on fears in countless aspects of our lives without realizing it. And also, it is many times in lieu of being pro-active... Anyway, it was just another example of fear-based decisions in society and I thought it interesting. I just wondered what men thought of it in their own lives, not necessarily as a generalization, and what women experienced.

About cowards -- I hate 'em! Men or women. But, then everyone has their own definition of that too.

I'm surprised not many here have an opinion on this.

 

[Baby]

What makes a coward, but fear?

 

[GhostUser]

This may be off topic, but whatever...lol.

After being married for 4 years, I've got my husband reactions all figured out. In the past when he acted negatively (usually due to stress) I reacted negatively back. This is obviously leads to fighting. Things had been really stressful for us after Christmas and we almost had a total meltdown. So I just decided to stop reacting to all the mean/annoying things he did, when he acts up I just ignore him until his mood passes. My marriage has been amazing ever since. He's back to the sweet, loving guy I married, because he sees me being sweet, loving and accepting to him. I realized this "strategy" after reading about Buddhism on several web sites. Now that I go with the flow instead of reacting to every stupid little thing that happens, I'm a much happier person and a hell of a lot less stressed out.

 

[JLRodgers]

This reply I had ready to be posted over 24hrs ago... then someone took out the cable providers fiber optic backbone...

Anyway

Psychological studies, interesting little things really, toss out one or two questions and the results are completely different. Or as a psychologist once said, studies show exactly what the person wants. Of course this too is in general.

But for the decisions in relationships being based on fear, I think a similar could apply. But then even buying a car, going to college (how many people do you know that went so they could get a job, not just for the sake of it), etc could be based on fear, even the way you go to your favorite store (avoid the bad part of town).

Back to the relationship thing.

Ive seen males that were so afraid of the relationship ending that theyd beat the female into submission so that she wouldnt leave him (fear). Others are afraid of the female ending the relationship that they end it so they dont have to deal with it. Others do something intentional (like cheating on the female [ex: sleeping with someone else]) so the female ends it, but giving a sense of I actually ended it.

Likewise, the same basic thing applies to women. The last relationship I had the female wasnt ready for a long-term thing, so she intentionally caused jealousy with all the men around her to fight over her making it so that she could date a few people with no commitment. Along with breaking promises, lying...

With that and the other things she did, she was surprised when I didnt get annoyed by it and break it off. The breaking promises and lying was targeted towards me - the only things I dont put up with. Ok so I loved her (and she knew it), and do have this fear of dieing alone... [only real fear other than an unnatural death] but I also hate making mistakes, so putting up with lies was a multi-tier thing, not just a single thing. [As the psychologists around go into a youre getting defensive mode...]

I was the only male that shed ever had thatd ever cared for her regardless of what she did, and was always willing to help her, and never asked for anything other than a friendship. And above all else, allowed her to live her own life, despite what I knew would happen (when she was dating a guy who liked raping women).

But I digress...

Point being that everything could be fear based, relationships, purchases, anything - all depending on how you look at it.

If you want to buy a car (or did buy one) all you seem to see are all the cars like yours. Take up a major in college, and you find tons of people all around that had the same one.

If you look for something, youre bound to find it.

 

[Strix]

Yes, your examples are definitely fear-based decisions.

Sounds like you've had a rough time

I guess we've all been through a bad time.

I agree with your last statement; so what were you looking for in this person who you stated "I was the only male that shed ever had thatd ever cared for her regardless of what she did, and was always willing to help her, and never asked for anything other than a friendship."

Why would you put up with that behavior and not break it off? Were you making a point? You knew why she was doing it, and then reacted to that without expressing it. So, basically, you were playing too -- "one upmanship."

And "Point being that everything could be fear based, relationships, purchases, anything - all depending on how you look at it."

Yes, that is what Michael Moore was stating.

 

[JLRodgers]

The main reason (oversimplified) was to prove a point, that I wasn't like "all men". To her it was a catch22, if I ended it, she won by proving I was like all other males; if I didn't I still proved that I was like other males. [ex: she thought all males were jealous, cared only for looks; break it off->jealousy, don't->only care about her for looks]. So I guess I on purpose waited for a moment that would be a "I win" period, although one never came (how it ended, I don't discuss).

As she put it, it was kind of a mind game, she loved playing them, and it was a matter of who'd win. What I've found to be ironic is, months later, she realized that I wasn't like the other men, even though at the time she said she'd "won".

So I guess I actually proved my point, that I was right... Little consolation though.

 

[Strix]

Yea, in relationships like that, proving a point and "winning" is never all that you think it's going be

So, I assume, you won't be "playing" ever again

? Good choice! Not worth it. If you don't play, you won't pay ;D

Are you still hurt? I would think myself out of the pain, if I were you. Love isn't logical; but thinking logically can alleviate some of the pain. This is *not* a person you truly want, right? I mean, really? Knowing your break up was the best thing -- I mean, it sounds like you're saving yourself years of b.s. and pain -- is like the power of positive thinking. There *is* consolation in knowing you are right; and not in that you were able to win, right?

P-shaw! I see a woman who is not "like all women" in your future! Just -- as Snagglepuss would say -- Exit, stage left next time you meet a game player.