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Herbivorous Urchin
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I can see how you'd feel unspecial, I would too.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sequoia View Post

The thing is, it doesn't MATTER that you love him. You are thinking entirely with your heart. You need to listen to your brain, which I'm sure is telling you that this guy is bad news. I have loved alcoholics, liars, gambling addicts, and druggies. That doesn't mean that I should have stayed with those men. They had no place in my life, and consistently hurt me. He WILL continue to hurt you, so why not end it now?
This. Listen to this.
 

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Perhaps you need to get some rest then. Pay attention to the dreams you are having, they can have some sort of meaning in them. I had many recurring dreams before and around the time of my breakup, and I still get them sometimes.
 

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Originally Posted by Vegan_Liz View Post

I'm so upset and tired right now so maybe I'm not thinking right.
It might be a good idea to give it a few days. Also, journalling is a great exercise if you are feeling overwhelmed by feelings and thoughts.
 

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Oh gosh this sounds like me and my ex, and i was so naive, he cheated and didn't tell me for a year, but even after that i stayed with him because i loved him, and during the first year and beyond he disrespected me, refused to listen to me if i was upset about anything to do with him, a guy that is so defensive like that will not be able to listen unless he gets some kind of therapy. i stayed with this guy for 4 years, biggest mistake of my life! luckily about 9 months ago i fell out of love with him, in fact i have no clue if i was ever really in love with him.

I was a lot younger we started dating while i was 15, he was 19, although he was and still is a kid in so many senses of the word, anyway, i changed schools and had no friends, he became my life, and i think after the first year with him i didn't want him anymore, but he was all i had, but i didn't even really have him, there was no trust because he always ALWAYS talked to other girls, before and after the cheating thing, we never talked about feelings, and when i would bring up something bad he did he refused to listen. I don't know how to stress it to you enough that this is probably a bad idea, but honestly you probably have to let it run it's course and wait for your feelings for him to fade.

Honestly you don't truly know someone until you've known them for a couple years, the guy i thought my ex was, and even that was bad, was not who i found out he is, he's a lot worse, and in the end there was no relationship there because there was no communication, no respect, no trust, and only lust, this is why i'm not so sure either of us loved each other, we got used to each other and only had one another so we stayed, but i got bored of the sexual stuff and didn't really care for how he looked anymore, and my "love" went away, so i believe it was all superficial, well i do love him i should say i don't know if we were ever in love with each other, i'd still feel horrible if he died or got sick.

Probably the biggest red flag was when i told him i don't want to have sex anymore he said "we've already done it you can't just stop now, if you do i'll just go do someone else", ya i think he deserves a worst person of the year award. It wasn't for a while that i actually realized how emotionally abusive and manipulative he is, he called me every name under the sun for small things. i think you should get out now, but if not and any of these things start happening do not stay, i'm telling you it's not worth it, and you end up hurting 100x more worse than you would have. Good luck.
 

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One thing that also might help is to read your original post in this thread, and pretend that somebody else wrote it. You don't know the guy involved, you only hear this evidence. What advice would you give to somebody posting that?

It was thinking this way that showed me how much I was lying to myself concerning a previous relationship.
 

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I have some sisterly advice for you. I moved out of state (CA to TX, then FL) to be with my ex. I quit my job and put school on hold. It made me vulnerable and I wish I had never put myself in that situation. I learned from it though. You need to teach yourself to be independent because in order to have a truly stable relationship, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. My 2 cents.
 

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I would have sooo dumped him. i am for secind chjances but it would never be in a situation where he basically insulted me in fron of his friends. dump him and never show a sign of being hurt or upset. being single is really not a problem.

well, i hope it works out for you
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by dormouse View Post

One thing that also might help is to read your original post in this thread, and pretend that somebody else wrote it. You don't know the guy involved, you only hear this evidence. What advice would you give to somebody posting that?

It was thinking this way that showed me how much I was lying to myself concerning a previous relationship.
This is very good advice, sometimes you need to look at a situation with fresh eyes.

There's a good reason everyone in this thread is pretty much unanimously in favour of dumping him
 

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If you're still not convinced to leave him, you should at least go to counseling together. If he won't go or won't stick with it then that's another sign to end the relationship before you get hurt again.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freesia View Post

I think the saying goes: "Dont make someone a priority in your life who makes you an option in theirs." This man sees you as an option of many, and he likely wants to keep his open. Do you really want someone who is looking over your shoulder all the time?
That's a good saying.
 

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You don't need him. I hope you will learn this lesson soon, for your own sake.


I wonder how he would react if he were to read these posts? I say, let him read and if he flies off the handle, well there's one more big old red flag!
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by dormouse View Post

I agree.

A lot of people stay in crap relationships using the excuse "but I love him." You might want to think whether or not that's even true? Why do you love him? Do these new details you've learned about him mean that the he isn't who you thought he was? Are you really in love with him or just who you thought he was/could be? Don't let the desire to have a boyfriend and the fear to be alone compel you to stay with someone who doesn't respect you. I really think his hanging up on you says it all. He needed time to think of good responses; he knows he did something wrong.
*hugs*
really feel for you. like many others have mentioned here, i too was in an awful relationship that turned out to be the best life lesson ever.
what dormouse posted is so right on. the part bolded was my problem. i was still in love with the person i thought he was (in the beginning)/could be, not the true person he was at the moment when things went bad for him/us.
you do what you feel is right, but just know that whatever/how much pain you go through because of him, it will pass and you will grow and love again.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by affidavit View Post

It show you don't trust him, which is obviously fair, but doesn't give you much of a foundation for keeping the relationship.
He sounds like he is 100% untrustworthy though. But, I do agree that trust is the foundation of the relationship. I had a boyfriend who was like that with girls and I didn't "put up" with it. I don't believe in asking people to change (b/c people really don't fundamentally change, they just end up being resentful that you asked them to) though, so I just broke up with him. I told him why, he offered to do things differently, I passed b/c that behavior was part of who he was. I just did not feel comfortable with being someone who behaved that way. He showed me who he was, and I chose to believe his behavior over his words.

As someone who has an advanced degree in the mental health field I will say this. I really think that, overall, there are minor behaviors you can negotiate on and change, but people are who they are. You said that his behavior was out of character, but people rarely behave "out of character." If you are expecting him to change, you are wasting your time and his and just asking for more pain. I've only met a very very few people in my life who have truly changed destructive behaviors, and they were incredibly strong people. It takes a tremendous amount of character and effort, and the desire to change came from them, not b/c someone else demanded it.
 

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This broke my heart to read. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with what's generally been said - the trust is ruined, and you shouldn't date someone you don't trust.

I too had a boyfriend in college who was like this with his female friends. After getting my heart smashed, we broke up. He started dating another girl very quickly. I was miserable for awhile until I saw and got wind of how he treated his new girlfriend - abandoning her on weekends and going to bars and bowling allies with attractive female friends. Putting up FB pictures of himself hugging these attractive female friends. I once heard him yell at her, chastising her like a child in one of the public cafeterias. They stayed together for years, until graduation, and in those years, I saw her alone all the time - in the library, in the food courts, at the gym. I almost NEVER saw him without a group of people, usually women. Realizing what a tool he was helped my heart mend a lot faster.

I really feel for you. Part of the reason that breakup sucked so bad for me was that like you, I was away at college and pretty much alone there other than this guy. I didn't really have many friends and wasn't yet involved in activities. But don't give up! You're still young and have lots of time. Go to campus events that interest you to meet people with whom you share interests. Join a club. Play a sport or intramural. You are worth so, so much more than this stupid boy realizes. You have a special combination of gifts, talents and priceless quirks that no one else could ever have. Do you really want a boyfriend who's missing all of that and treating you like a replaceable object?

I know it's tough advice, but dump him. Don't go on letting him humiliate you like this.

 

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Discussion Starter · #98 ·
Wow Rose, that sounds similar in a lot of ways but with me I don't think that my boyfriend KNOWS that he hurts me while your ex was just really uncaring.

As for the week...

He asked for another chance, so I stayed over for the week. I know that he sounds awful because what he did was awful but he is remorseful for the things that he's done. I believe in second chances, he didn't do anything physical. I was suspicious but I do believe that he refrained from being physical with this girl. While most of my friends completely hate him now, it's going to be rough but he deserves another chance in my mind and I wish I could explain to you why I believe that he is deserving of one.

He is the type of guy that is very hard to crack, he doesn't show a lot of emotions. He says that he realizes that often times he comes across as a psycho path, but he made it very clear to me that he cares. He let me go through everything on his lap top as well as his phone. He literally spent every minute with me this past week. It was really strange. I feel like in a way he and I fell into a black hole of some sort and we hadn't really paused to appreciate what we have with each other (him more than me, of course- because I never strayed). There are so many things that can get in the way of relationships, you can be around someone without REALLY being around them. It's the quality time that keeps the relationship going. Often times when we sit together it's while we're on lap tops, watching tv, there really is no reflection going on and the lack of communication damages so much.

I guess it's important to know what you have and to value it, rather than realize what you had after it's gone.
 

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I'm not comparing severity here but men that beat their gf/wife are often remorseful after as well, just saying.
 

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Imho, cut your losses. You don't want to be with someone you doubt - certainly not at this point in your life. While no one is perfect, and while we all disappoint each other at one time or another, this stuff signals trouble ahead. Second chances are for when you really have few options - you share a mortgage, bills, kids, pets, etc - when breaking up would be so emotionally, financially and spiritually draining that you really do have to consider all possibilities. A second chance for an immature and uncommitted (and frequently mistaken for a psychopath?!?) college guy will no doubt be a waste of time.

Anyway, no matter what you decide to do in the long run, work on yourself! Make some friends - of both sexes - and treat your friendships with respect and nurturing. Enjoy some hobbies, get more social, go do things you like to do whether or not bf goes along. Make your life bigger!
 
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