VeggieBoards banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
that's what my husband told me the other night. ouch. he said he wants to work things out because he thinks he can fall in love with me again, but i just don't see how that works. how can you predict something like that? what am i supposed to do? sit around and wait for him to fall, constantly asking myself, "is he in love with me now? how about now?" at what point will he say, "ya know, i just don't think it's going to work"?? he said he's felt this way for months. is it fair to ask me to sit around and wait, hoping that he'll be in love with me eventually, when it's way more likely that it's just over and he can't accept it? is it better to just get out now before i get any more hurt? we haven't been intimate (physically or emotionally) in months. i'm really confused, and i guess i need some support/advice. what would you do??
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,535 Posts
Ouch. That's a horrible thing to go through, freebird. I'm so sorry.


If you haven't been intimate in months, you probably have some underlying issues with your relationship which have finally come to head verbally. A relationship is about two people, and both of you have to WORK if you want to make things better between you. I don't really have any more advice because I don't really know the circumstances of your situation but I can scarcely imagine how hard this must be, and I hope you the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
68 Posts
I really think that's a societal thing. Has he been through any new changes or you for that matter? Things that affect your roles.

I hope you can get some good counseling in.

I'm one of those that believe there is just so much more to love and marriage than a feeling. It grows over the years.

How long have you been married? Are you having that 7 year itch thing happening? We have been married for 10 and we really had a tough time this last couple of years. We really worked through a lot of things and changed a lot about our roles. I'm so glad we didn't end it. We are so much stronger now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
773 Posts
I would agree with everyone about trying to work things out. Remember the day you got married and the vows you said. You wouldn't want to give it all up without a fight.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,134 Posts
to the counselling idea. I can only imagine how much it must've hurt to hear those words. If he says he's willing to work on it though, I think you have to give it a try (assuming there are no issues with abuse, etc.). It would be better, imo, to go through a few months or a year of counseling/pains and then split up, as opposed to breaking up now and wondering "what if?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
What does he mean when he says he loves you? It sounds like he's lacking the intense emotional experience of "being in love" but once you/he work through what you both want out of the relationship, it can be mutually edifying. I'm told that fireworks are great, but you can't live off of them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,902 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by skylark View Post

What does he mean when he says he loves you? It sounds like he's lacking the intense emotional experience of "being in love" but once you/he work through what you both want out of the relationship, it can be mutually edifying. I'm told that fireworks are great, but you can't live off of them.
I was thinking sort of the same thing. What does he imagine being "in love" is like- how is it different from just love. And does he expect this feeling to remain unchanged over decades?

How long have you been a couple? And how many long-term relationships was he in before you married?

That's a horrible thing to hear, but I'm glad he wants to work on it. I really wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,777 Posts
Go to counseling.

I told my ex the same thing and didn't want to go to counseling at first, but then told him we needed to go to counseling and asked him to schedule sessions.

He didn't want to go and refused to schedule sessions. So I left.

I recommend you go. He's telling you that he's considering leaving.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,774 Posts
Quote:
I love you but Im not in love with you
Quote:
and he's saying wants to work things out because he thinks he can fall in love with me again"
I could be wrong Freebird, but to me, that sounds a bit like 'guy speak' for I want us to break up but I'm going to let you down slowly and gently

Quote:
i need some support/advice. what would you do??
Get a solid comittment from him either way right now about how he really feels and what the future of your relationship is going to be. He can't excpect you to just wait around hoping for a good outcome.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
284 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
thanks for all the support guys....

i have been talking to him about breaking up, and he seems adament that that's not what he wants. i can't help but wonder if the only reason he wants me to stay around is because he doesn't want to be alone or go through the stressful divorce process.

problems we've had in the past:

he's lied to me a LOT about a porn addiction (i really really don't want this to turn into a porn discussion--let's just say that he and i agreed that it wasn't healthy for our relationship, and he promised he'd stop, and im reasonably sure he still hasn't)

he and i were friends for a long time before we got together, and he had always made it very clear that i wasnt his type, physically (too tall, not petite enough, not "feminine" enough...). his coming to me and telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me was completely out of the blue. he has since made comments about how i used to be thinner, he doesn't like my hair, he doesnt like my clothing style....i can't help but be insecure, and i'm sure that comes out a lot.

i feel like he only fell for me when i inadvertently changed into his 'ideal' woman. im 24. im going to change a lot before i truly find my identity, im sure. he told me i've changed too much, and it really bothers me to think that he may never 'be in love' with the person i have yet to become.

i honestly feel like im just sitting around waiting for the ball to drop.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,774 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by freebird View Post

he and i were friends for a long time before we got together, and he had always made it very clear that i wasnt his type, physically (too tall, not petite enough, not "feminine" enough...). his coming to me and telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me was completely out of the blue. he has since made comments about how i used to be thinner, he doesn't like my hair, he doesnt like my clothing style....i can't help but be insecure, and i'm sure that comes out a lot.

i feel like he only fell for me when i inadvertently changed into his 'ideal' woman. im 24. im going to change a lot before i truly find my identity, im sure. he told me i've changed too much, and it really bothers me to think that he may never 'be in love' with the person i have yet to become.

i honestly feel like im just sitting around waiting for the ball to drop.
Sorry to hear that Freebird
It can't be very nice living in a relationship like that. Maybe your marriage has run it's course? I'm not trying to sway your decision or anything, but there's definately other guys out there who will make you feel a bit more wanted and loved than that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
680 Posts
Well, I was going to come here and be a goof, but I'm glad I read this.

Really sorry to hear that Freebird.


Skylark really hit the nail on the head. There seems to be this idea that you have to "be in love" with someone forever to have a lasting relationship. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that's a pipe dream. And it mostly has to do with brain chemistry. It's been shown that we go through stages in relationships and the first couple of years are when those attraction chemicals are really going strong. Then they fade away and more of a companionship thing happens (please don't interpret this as I'm saying this as an absolute. I'm sure there are people who still think they are madly in love with someone.)

My point to all of this is it's natural to not have that "in love" thing forever.

I would just wonder if there's someone else? Just from a guy's perspective that's what strikes me, but maybe it is the addiction you were talking about. Or maybe he has a slightly immature view of relationships?

I really am very sorry this is causing you pain Freebird.
warmthoughts
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
573 Posts
I have a couple of things to say.

The first one is regarding being "in love". It is commonly known and stated by several posters here that the initial intense feelings in a relationship don't last forever. Pretty much any book on relationship psychology or self-help will tell you that. The seven year itch, the tingles, etc. It goes away.

But it doesn't mean that your relationship has to end. Sometimes when that feeling fades away, nothing is left. But sometimes everything is left.

Some actress whose name I can't remember died recently and she had been married for like fifty years. She said her "secret" was that she and her husband fell in and out of love with each other, but one always carried the other. When she wasn't in love with him, he was patient and held out and she always came back around, and vice versa. I always think about that when everyone in the world is more attractive to me than my husband, and it always proves true.

However, all the above advice only applies if you want to stay married. Since you have revealed some deep flaws about your relationship, I think divorce might be a credible option to consider. I have a personal moral grounds for divorce- I say there are only three reasons why I would ever get a divorce, and they are abuse, infidelity, and addiction. It is always possible to have a healthy relationship (with hard work of course) unless one of these is present. You have addiction present.

I'd say the first step is therapy. PLEASE do not sign those papers without going to a therapist first. It will either help you change your life for the better, or it will make it abundantly clear that this isn't right for you anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by freebird View Post

he's lied to me a LOT about a porn addiction (i really really don't want this to turn into a porn discussion--let's just say that he and i agreed that it wasn't healthy for our relationship, and he promised he'd stop, and im reasonably sure he still hasn't).
If you only suspect and have not seen him still using porn or have proof that he does, I think there's a much better chance of turning around your marriage. Since he knows you disapprove, duh, of course he's going to lie about it if he's still doing it. It's not over till one or both of you give up or settle for a bad relationship.

Individual counselling for him would be a positive step, and he may not be able to work through that addiction (assuming it's still an issue) if you're right there the whole time, as in couples counselling. But, it'll only help if he's willing to work on it.

In the mean time, probably the best thing you can do is shower love on him. If he feels loved when you cook him dinner, then cook him dinner. If he feels loved when you compliment him, then start right now making a list of all his positive attributes and actions, and feed him a couple of compliments every day. Whatever makes his crank turn, do it.

Then, if he decides the marriage is not for him, at least he knows how good it can be. If he decides to work on the marriage, he should reciprocate and do for you the things that make you feel loved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Well before you give up I'd really try marriage counselinig.

Although what would I know when it comes to marriage right? Heh.

To me it sounds like he's no good for you. Especially since he didn't have the decency to tell you when he started feeling that way.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top