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Right...I'm not sure where to start, so I'm just gonna..er..describe the situation...<br><br><br><br>
I (amongst other people) have a feeling my mom is very very controlling towards me, to the point that it's just crazy and it is affecting and has definitely affected me in a bad way.<br><br><br><br>
In the past I've just dealt with it by avoiding conflict and just doing as she wishes...But around my 18th I really just had enough of it. It was just like I was smothered in overprotectiveness, especially during my ED recovery.<br><br>
Her controlling behaviour got so bad it actually made my recovery worse to the point that I started SI with er.knives hehe (it's a childhood thing it used to be just a couple of scratches-working on it! stopping that is)..she'd freak if she;d find out I'm sure.<br><br><br><br>
Just a few examples, to demonstrate my definition of controlling/overprotective behaviour:<br><br><br><br>
- During my recovery, I reached the clinic's desired goal weight pretty fast...<br><br>
and I had stayed at that weight, even over it, for months...so on the second day my mom got back from her holiday..she wanted me to step on the scale to weigh myself...eventhough it was clear that I was still at a healthy weight.<br><br>
I refused. Told her *calmly* that I didn't want to and nicely explained why.<br><br>
slightly raised voice. I once again declined. It turned into yelling..she dragged the scale into my room...and then there were threats from her side and then stomping and then more yelling...then pleading...then yelling...finally she left. Only to come into my room again 10 minutes later. In the end I lost my temper and stomped on the scale.<br><br><br><br>
- In the early stage of my recovery, whenever I wanted to eat an apple or another piece of fruit I was told to eat cookies/cake/etc. etc.<br><br>
This is one of the reasons why my ANA merged into COED for a while.<br><br><br><br>
- Again, during my recovery, early stage...my mom even went so far as to lie to me..that the dr. had called to tell me to eat 10g of chips everyday.<br><br><br><br>
- One day school lasted a bit longer so I got home an hour later..<br><br>
By that time my mom had called the police and imagined me, whilst crying, beaten, dead somewhere alongside the road or something. This after I had gone 'missing' for just an hour.<br><br><br><br>
- When I was in Sri Lanka for two months..I was with this volunteering program. At one point I had to take a bus to Colombo to get my visa extended. Somehow my mom found out...*CALLED* the organisation there and told them that it was unheard of to let me travel to Colombo by myself. ANd that I had better have someone from the organisation join me etc. etc.<br><br>
I mean..AAAH I'm 934398839022 miles away from her and she still manages to control the way I travel!<br><br><br><br>
- I now have a boyfriend, and he has some back problems.<br><br>
My mom was reluctant for us to get together, and tried to persuade me not to get involved with him (she was a bit too late at the time hehe but oh well) because...and get this..<br><br>
If I was going to be with him for so long and something'd go wrong with him..she wouldn't want that to happen to *me* (wtf?) because apparently I'm not stable etc. etc.<br><br>
To me it just felt like discrimination, and she really hurt me with her comments:\\<br><br><br><br>
- I've recently started to attend protests. I enjoy them quite a bit because I get to hang out with amazing people I'm slowly getting to know and at the same time I raise my voice for the animals. It beats a Saturday cooped up at home.<br><br>
My mom on the other side, doesn't want me to go to protests a lot..maybe once a month..that's it. Because otherwise I'm out and about too much etc.<br><br><br><br>
Now tell me. What's the difference...if I spend my day at a protest (where I'd see my boyfriend as well)...or spend all day hanging out at a friend's? I'm out socialising either way. But something tells me she wouldn't mind if I'd hang out with a friend.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
- When I visit my boyfriend, she always wants me to settle for a curfew (usually 11pm).<br><br>
I'm thinking...it's the summer holidays...I'm 19...and what's the difference between me spending time with my boyfriend...or spending the same amount of time behind the computer/watching tv doing useless stuff.<br><br><br><br>
Sorry for the overabundance of examples...just trying to make a sketch of my mom's behaviour.<br><br><br><br>
Also, whenever she doesn't get her way (e.g. I take the plunge and decide to do whatever the *beeeeeeep* I want to do) she breaks into hysterics..<br><br>
not just when I'm actually going to do it...but even when I just suggest it..<br><br><br><br><br><br>
I've just managed to beat my depression. These are the first couple of months where I can say I don't mind another tomorrow, and I'm actually living again. WHY does she want to take that away from me?<br><br>
It really does feel like that. And I don't understand why she can't let me go...<br><br>
literally and....erm I can't find the right word..hehe..not literally:p<br><br><br><br><br><br>
Anyway. Yeah...all my close friends, who I've told about my mom's behaviour..tell me she's insane for being so controlling/protective..<br><br><br><br>
so yeah...my question to you..<br><br><br><br>
Who's overreacting?<br><br>
Me (the whole angsty teen behaviour of which I may not be aware)...or my mom?<br><br><br><br><br><br>
P.S.<br><br><br><br>
just for moral support or unsupport hehe<br><br>
I was asked by my boyfriend if i'd join him to rotterdam to visit some of his friends (also people who I've met at protests etc.) today..<br><br>
we leave tomorrow somewhere in the morning..<br><br>
if I'd tell my mom (who is asleep now) that i'm going...<br><br>
and she's all: OMG NO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED BLAHBLAH *RAAAHHHH*<br><br><br><br>
should I just go? to take a stand..and all that? to try and break this control barrier?<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
sorry for the insanely long post.<br><br>
I promiss to never write one this long..hehe..<br><br>
but I need to figure all of this out before I go absolutely crazy:p
 

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Figuratively <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> And it's Mom. Is she single? I have a feeling she's really lonely and thinks you're all she has. I suggest, as soon as it's possible, move out.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
nope...she's still married to my dad hehe, it's been 25 years now I think?<br><br><br><br>
and to add..since I can't seem to find a way to edit...<br><br><br><br><br><br>
the curfew thing:<br><br><br><br>
If I go out with my friends...it doesn't matter if I stay out untill 10pm or 2am:\\<br><br>
And she never calls 29832092 times to check on me either...<br><br><br><br>
so..yeah it's weird hehe<br><br><br><br><br><br>
and thanks<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"> that's the word!<br><br><br><br>
edit:<br><br>
and for some reason it's just me she wants to control...<br><br>
my sister could get away with pretty much anything:\\
 

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Well, speaking as a mom, I think the ED would have something to do with the reason she is so overprotective, perhaps? I don't know the details, and you don't have divulge them, but was she this bad before you had the problem? Did it get worse afterward? Do you think the ED stems from her being controlling? I don't have any experience with this type of situation so I'm just guessing at some possible factors. I think these things would come into play. You certainly are old enough to start living your own life. How is your relationship with her as far as communication goes? Do you ever sit and discuss this calmly and try to get handle on why she acts this way? I just think I can understand where she's coming from, even though it does sound like she's going a little over the top! I hope things get better for you.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> Your mom is the one with the problem, not you.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ingenting</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I've just managed to beat my depression. These are the first couple of months where I can say I don't mind another tomorrow, and I'm actually living again. WHY does she want to take that away from me?<br><br>
It really does feel like that. And I don't understand why she can't let me go...<br><br>
literally and....erm I can't find the right word..hehe..not literally:p</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Don't let her take that away from you. Live the way you want to - go to those protests (good for you for speaking out for animals! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">), enjoy your time with your boyfriend, and just live. You should be proud of your recovery. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> We are here for you for support!
 

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Discussion Starter #6
She was pretty controlling before the ED...but at the time I was obeying her every wish when it came to me, so I never really rebelled or anything.<br><br>
The moment I did start using my voice is when her grip over me tightened.<br><br>
And yeah it got even worse when I was recovering from my ED.<br><br><br><br>
I do think my ED partially stems from her behaviour (there are *so* many different aspects when it comes to the roots of an ED though).<br><br><br><br>
As soon as I graduate next year I'm definitely out of here hehe...doesn't matter if i can't go to college at that point or not...I have to get out before I go mad.<br><br><br><br>
Talking calmy..is not an option, unfortunately.<br><br>
I have tried for years, many many times to discuss stuff with her. Explain what it's doing to me...<br><br>
Up untill last year...<br><br>
She always tries to just dismiss my feelings and wipes everything away with a simple: *laughs* okay okay i won't do it again I promiss *laughs*<br><br>
Or she gets upset and either breaks into hysterics or plays the victim.<br><br><br><br>
I've tried many times to confide in her and share my feelings in a rational way and I really do try to be understanding towards her...but afterwards it always feels like I've been stabbed in the back. I don't really trust her anymore with my feelings:\\
 

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You're living at home and you're 19. You have the choice to move out or live by her rules. I think you're old enough to make that decision on your own.<br><br><br><br>
Your curfew is fine. Mine was 9pm till I was 18, when I moved out.<br><br><br><br>
Honestly, she sounds like a parent. It sounds like you're getting to the point where you're too old to be living under another adult's supervision and it's time for you to move out, develop your independence, and make your own rules.
 

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^^^What Oregon Amy said.<br><br><br><br>
I'm a Mom to teens (though they're much younger), and though my rules may be slightly different, my kids do understand that they'll need to follow them while under my roof.<br><br><br><br>
Sorry for not agreeing, it sounds like you've been through a lot, but it also sounds like you're plenty tough and could manage on your own just fine too.
 

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I have to disagree with the poster who said that she's controling because of the ED...it's a widely known fact about Ed's that they often stem from controling parent behavior. This is a child's way to rebel in a 'safe' way. By saying, "my diet is something I can control."<br><br><br><br>
Is there any chance of you moving out? I really think you need to be out of that situation altogether. You might struggle for a while, but you'd be able to breath at least. I think your Mom is bad for your health. I'm a parent myself...and what I know...the secret to parenting is raising children who know how to make good decisions. They learn to make good decisions by having opportunities to make them. Not by watching you make all their decisions for them. Anyhooo....<br><br><br><br>
Sorry you're going through this.<br><br><br><br>
B
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>OregonAmy</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
You're living at home and you're 19. You have the choice to move out or live by her rules. I think you're old enough to make that decision on your own.<br><br><br><br>
Your curfew is fine. Mine was 9pm till I was 18, when I moved out.<br><br><br><br>
Honestly, she sounds like a parent. It sounds like you're getting to the point where you're too old to be living under another adult's supervision and it's time for you to move out, develop your independence, and make your own rules.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I agree on some level. It is the mom's house and she can make requests of the occupants of that house. However, I feel some unreasonable requests have been made. The mother sounds very controlling in this situation and that isn't excusable to another adult, even if that adult is her daughter. It is ok to be concerned and to make reasonable requests, but a strict curfew at 19!? Give me a break.<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
OP: Chances are your mother isn't going to stop her actions. If your independence is more important to you than the money you're saving then I suggest you look to move out. You are old enough to live on your own and then you don't have to listen to the "its my house, my rules" attitude. I hope you're in a situation financially where you can make this happen.
 

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Actually any adult staying in another adult's house is expected to follow house rules, it is just good etiquette.<br><br><br><br>
If OA and I stayed at the home of many southern people we would be placed in seperate bedrooms. While that may seem stupid since we live together it would be terribly rude for one of us to sneak off to the other person's bedroom.<br><br><br><br>
Moral of the story: If you are in a house and you and/or your spouse didn't pay for it you are a guest and you follow the house rules, whatever they are.<br><br><br><br>
I don't like following other people's rules myself. I dealt with that by moving out at 18 and staying in hotels when I visit people and think staying in their house might cause friction.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thanks for the support everyone<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
And Bethanie you're absolutely right, so many cases of EDs unfortunately involve controlling parents:\\<br><br><br><br>
...<br><br>
Oh man and it just gets better.<br><br>
All of a sudden, my mom wants me home at 11:45pm.<br><br>
She does not want me to get home/enter our home around 12 am because apparently I'll bring evil vibes with me.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
I have no idea where she gets this...because..well I mean she is hindu..but all the times before it didn't matter if I got home at 12 or 3am...<br><br>
other than that, what about new year's eve? the door opens around 12 for everyone to go outside/inside...and that's okay?<br><br><br><br>
Anyway, I confronted her with the whole 12 am rule...as in:<br><br>
"oh but a couple years ago when I was going out with my friends I was allowed to stay out untill [insert AM time]?"<br><br><br><br>
and with that...the curfew she had before dropped. She didn't mind me being out untill so late...just not 12 am.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
It's really confusing for me...<br><br>
now it's this rule...but then it's that rule...and now that's not allowed anymore but this is..etc etc.<br><br><br><br>
....<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
Right now I'd have a hard time financially supporting myself, I am looking out for a job and hope to have found one at least by the end of summer..so that if things get worse I might be able to move out come the end of Fall/beginning of Winter...<br><br>
The thing is I have to do two schoolyears in one..which means I'll spent most of my days at school (e.g. from 8:45am 'till 5:20pm)...leaving me with little time to work (seeing I'll also need to work on my homework/extra assignments and the level I'm doing is the second hardest - it's like grammar school without latin/greek) except on friday/saturday/sunday.<br><br>
So...It might work out...but it might not. Though I suppose if you're forced to live like that it will work out, since the body/mind can be tough when it really needs to be.<br><br><br><br>
I do think I can get some financial support from the government though...<br><br>
so maybe if I sign up for that...and have a parttime job I'll be able to get by alright...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br><br><br>
I'm just going to see how long I can stand living with my mom under one roof...if after say 3 months the situation has not improved..I do think it is time to make some tough decisions.<br><br><br><br>
thanks once more everyone! *hugs*
 

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I didn't read the whole thread, so if I do reruns I ask forgiveness in advance.<br><br><br><br>
I'm a 56 year old mom of two independent sons. On the other side I had a control freak mother who could not turn loose, ever.<br><br><br><br>
You are not over reacting, and mom is truly going over the edge, but let me give you something to think about.<br><br><br><br>
1. Mom is basically a control-lets-keep-all-the-ducks-in-a-row person, right?<br><br>
2. You were very ill and she was very frightened for you.<br><br>
3. She probably does know about the cutting.<br><br>
4. She may be afraid you will suicide if you get your heart broken or get involved in a stressful relationship..<br><br>
5. She is trying to protect you, but she has not idea how to do so gently.<br><br>
6. She wants to know you are safe and untreatened physically and especially emotionally. That is her bottom line.<br><br>
7. She may very well be guarding her sanity by knowing you are safe. It sounds like she loves you terribly, and would die inside if anything happened to you, or you hurt yourself. She is terrified she will loose her treasure.<br><br><br><br>
Now you can help her by talking with her, but do not give in to the screaming or that is what she will use to get her way all the time.<br><br>
1. Make sure she knows where you are going.<br><br>
2. Make sure she knows when you will be in.<br><br>
3. Make sure to call if you are going to be out later and set a specific time and try to keep it.<br><br>
4. If you take off to go some place, leave a note where she can find it.<br><br>
Nowhere did I say ask for permission.<br><br>
You are old enough that you don't think you should have to do these things, but remember, much of her behavior comes from fear for you. You are her treasure. She would die for you if necessary.<br><br><br><br>
If you want the old girl to be sane and you to have freedoms, make the way as smoothe as possible. Remember, you may have a treasure someday.<br><br><br><br>
Mom
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Hey Life2k,<br><br>
I suppose you're right about the points you made about my mom..<br><br>
though I really wasn't that ill..hehe no really. I was just a tad underweight and anemic but that was it..though I guess it looks worse to other people than the way I experienced it.<br><br>
And I doubt she knows about the cutting 'cause all my scars are hidden (in places that won't be questioned as easy for being covered) and I *always* make sure I get rid of 'evidence'.<br><br>
But I guess those things don't really matter heh.<br><br><br><br><br><br>
Anyway, I've kind of tried out the tips you gave me and they're somewhat working, though I've only been able to try them out for a short period seeing my parents are on holiday now (leaving me with the place all to myself, no more curfews, no more rules..huzzah! \\m/>_<\\m/ ).<br><br>
Though sometimes she'll still flip, like last time she out for the entire day, visiting her relatives, so I left a note saying I was at my boyfriend's because I didn't feel like staying home alone all day..<br><br><br><br>
And later on when I phoned her to let her know when I'd be home she got *so* angry with me 'cause apparently I wasn't supposed to be going out and I had tons of chores to do etc. etc. And I had to get home immediately.<br><br>
Though..when I got home...I didn't have to do any chores or anything?<br><br>
And she was all nice again (after a brief argument).<br><br><br><br>
But anyway, I (and subconciously my mom:p) am working on it by sticking to just do what I want but at the same time letting her know when I'll be back and stuff.
 

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I agree that your mom is controlling. Lord knows mine was... I also had a curfew. Hell, I had to be in bed at 8:30 when I was fricken 14. Needless to say, I moved out as soon as I turned 17 and that was the end of it. Went to college and never looked back. If you want control over your own life, I suggest you do the same.<br><br><br><br>
My siblings did not leave the nest as quickly as I - and all had similar issues with curfews. But I think its just common adult courtesy to be at home at the time she requested if you are living under her roof. Don't like her rules? Move out. You're cutting yourself, for crying out loud. She's treating you like a kid who needs constant protection, because you are one. Once you move out, get a job so that she doesn't have to send you money, and prove you are able to take care of yourself, she will start to lay off. But first, you need to move out of the view of her protective wings (move at least an hour away.) Then she will no longer feel obligated to watch your every move.<br><br><br><br>
This worked with my control freak mom. We're perfectly good friends now, but it took 4 years of us being apart for our relationship to mend - we became adult friends, rather than mother-daughter. That's what worked for us.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ingenting</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
All of a sudden, my mom wants me home at 11:45pm.<br></div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Just to put it into a bit of perspective, my parents tried to enforce a 9 p.m. bedtime, not curfew, BEDTIME, when I was 17-18. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/veryangry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":grr:"><br><br><br><br>
I left home at 18 and have been completely financially independent from them ever since (I'm 26 now).
 
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