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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
About a week ago I was a on bus and a guy came up to me and asked if he could sit by me. I was a little weirded out but let him anyway. He talked with me a little, trying to learn a little about me then he asked if I was single. I told him I'm not so he didn't pursue that any further but we still talked and decided to exchanged information so we could still talk later.

Big mistake, talking to him over the phone and through text I've come to like him... more then I should. He told me about why he's single now and it was a pretty sad story. I felt like I wanted him to be happy so I introduced him to a single friend of mine but now I'm jealous... I can't believe myself, I already have a caring boyfriend I've been with for three years. Yes we have disagreements that sometimes make me wonder if I'll be happy with him if we ever marry but nothing too horrible... So why do I feel like I want to be with this other guy?


This matter is depressing me and I'm not sure what to do.
 

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My thoughts: We all need and crave attention. You are only human. Relationship or not, I think a little harmless flirting is ok. I think if relationships are too strict or too demanding, you end up resenting your SO. Maybe exchanging info wasn't the best route, and sticking to strictly bus flirting would keep things from getting complicated (as they seem to have become now). But what's done is done. I think perhaps you are just jealous or bummed that introducing him to your friend means less attention for you...sound about right??
 

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I think people have a natural need to be able to explore feelings and attractions. When we are honest and open and eschew jealousy in exchange for compersion, it is a beautiful thing. If you are not in a relationship that allows that, then examining your reasons, motives, what it means in the context of your relationship is a good idea. I wish you whatever you need to sort this out, it's not an easy place to be in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vegan Wannabe View Post

My thoughts: We all need and crave attention. You are only human. Relationship or not, I think a little harmless flirting is ok. I think if relationships are too strict or too demanding, you end up resenting your SO. Maybe exchaning info wasn't the best route, and sticking to strictly bus flirting would keep things from getting complicated (as they seem to have become now). But what's done is done. I think perhaps you are just jealous or bummed that introducing him to your friend means less attention for you...sound about right??
Actually you're probably right, I didn't really want to hear about how he likes her and will make time for her this week.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by keishari View Post

Actually you're probably right, I didn't really want to hear about how he likes her and will make time for her this week.
It's nice to feel wanted, so it's only natural to have the feelings you are having when that attention you've been getting is now aimed at someone else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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Originally Posted by Vegan Wannabe View Post

It's nice to feel wanted, so it's only natural to have the feelings you are having when that attention you've been getting is now aimed at someone else.
Yeah... I guess it's new to me that someone came up to me because they were interested, and it was even someone I think is attractive. No one has ever approached me like he did before. My current boyfriend met me through a friend of mine and he just wanted a date to a masquerade so that's just how that went but nothing quite as enchanting as what that guy did.
 

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I'd ask yourself whether or not there were cracks appearing in your relationship in the first place, or whether you were were just impressed by the chance of something new. It's hard to look at yourself and your relationships honestly, but if you can then you might realise that either your relationship isn't going well (which I hope isn't the case) or that in reality it's just the 'newness' that's got you. I think we're all guilty of that one, in friendly as well as in romantic relationships.

EDIT: Just so you know, I recently got out of a relationship after doing this 'check.' I had to confront a lot of my own feelings and realise it wasn't the new-ness that I wanted, but out of the relationship. I hope it goes the other way for you.
 

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You are in a relationship, not dead. I think it's pretty normal to be attracted to other people when you are in a relationship, and to enjoy the fact that someone is attracted to you and willing to shower you in attention. Like vegan wannabe said, we all crave attention. Sometimes it's nice to know even though we are in a happy, loving relationship that it's not because we have no choice and are trapped and unable to find someone else, but because we choose to be with the person we are with. I mean, at the end of the day thats what it boils down to. There are probably plenty of attractive people of the appropriate gender, who we would get along with well, and that the chemistry is there, but theres more to a relationship than just those things.

lets be honest with ourselves here. You can't expect to meet someone, fall in love with them and then have all of our biological and emotional responses to every other human being turned off! It's the "love"or lack there of that decides if we choose to act on those feelings or stay put, happy in the knowledge that after however many years, we still got it
 

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I wouldn't jeapordise my relationship for someone I've had a crush on for a week but if you are tempted to I think that shows you are obviously not happy in your current relationship.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

I wouldn't jeapordise my relationship for someone I've had a crush on for a week but if you are tempted to I think that shows you are obviously not happy in your current relationship.
Yep.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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Originally Posted by Pace View Post

You are in a relationship, not dead. I think it's pretty normal to be attracted to other people when you are in a relationship, and to enjoy the fact that someone is attracted to you and willing to shower you in attention. Like vegan wannabe said, we all crave attention. Sometimes it's nice to know even though we are in a happy, loving relationship that it's not because we have no choice and are trapped and unable to find someone else, but because we choose to be with the person we are with. I mean, at the end of the day thats what it boils down to. There are probably plenty of attractive people of the appropriate gender, who we would get along with well, and that the chemistry is there, but theres more to a relationship than just those things.

lets be honest with ourselves here. You can't expect to meet someone, fall in love with them and then have all of our biological and emotional responses to every other human being turned off! It's the "love"or lack there of that decides if we choose to act on those feelings or stay put, happy in the knowledge that after however many years, we still got it
:) True enough, I told my bf that I was feeling attracted to someone else because he and I are pretty open which just proves to me he's wonderful. He wasn't mad or jealous and he just asked me if it worried me. I told it it kind of did and he just said to let him know if it really started bothering me. I don't know what he would do if I felt like I can't help myself anymore but that shows me we have a relationship where we can express these feelings without concern.

I was worried at first to say anything because it's not something I wanted to admit but knowing that after 3 years of dating he and I can still communicate about issues like this without emotional turmoil has reminded me that he and I do have a great relationship. I wouldn't throw that away over a crush.
 

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He sounds like a keeper. Seriously. I've never known a man to be that understanding. Clone him please?
 

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I don't develop crushes on other people while I am in a relationship unless I am unhappy with my relationship. This might be a sign for you to start examining your relationship to see if anything needs fixing, and whether or not it is fixable (or worth fixing).
 

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It's completely possible to be in a happy relationship and still have a crush on someone else. To me, the two things are totally separate. What's kept me happily faithful to my husband for 6+ years is realizing that no matter how I might think I feel about someone else, I could never be as happy with anyone else as I am with him.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrysalis View Post

I don't develop crushes on other people while I am in a relationship unless I am unhappy with my relationship. This might be a sign for you to start examining your relationship to see if anything needs fixing, and whether or not it is fixable (or worth fixing).
+1
 

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I wonder what people are meaning by "crush" in their comments. I really don't think I've ever known any women who don't occasionally have flirtatious interactions with others, even if they're in a relationship. My old boss with our IT guy, or a couple of us at my old job with the yummy UPS guy. Even now (close your eyes honey), there are people I encounter on the bus, shopkeepers, and the like with whom there may be giggly, flirtatious moments. It's exactly what someone else mentioned though...just nice to have a bit of attention from someone new. It doesn't mean that my relationship is bad, but it's nice to know that someone aside from my husband has the potential to see me in a "romantic" way. I'm sure that my other half has these encounters as well. As long as they're not occurring in front of me (which would just be bad manners), I don't really see this as harmful.

Now, if there's something deeper...long discussions about feelings, going out to coffee, etc. then yeah, that would make me question my relationship status. A crush to me though, is something superficial and generally temporary.
<<<remembers the days of Michael J. Fox on the walls of her bedroom
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashlend View Post

It's completely possible to be in a happy relationship and still have a crush on someone else. To me, the two things are totally separate. What's kept me happily faithful to my husband for 6+ years is realizing that no matter how I might think I feel about someone else, I could never be as happy with anyone else as I am with him.
I would think the same.
 

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I don't believe people should be flirting with other people while in a relationship. Just my opinion though.
 
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