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Discussion Starter #1
I have been married for 12 1/2 yrs. I am married to an alcoholic who just refuses to get sober again. He was sober in AA for 6 yrs and went back to drinking about 3 yrs ago. I just can't leave him, I feel stuck, and I worry about him. There is alot of insanity in my world right now. Every once in a while I meet someone new and get a crush on them, and it never goes any further than that. A wheelchair bound man moved in across the street about 2 months ago. He is married and has 2 step sons. He and his wife constantly fight, and I really sense an attraction between us. We got really friendly, his sons come across to hang out on the patio when I am out there, my husband is always inside watching baseball and drinking so he has no clue. I am trying to make my conversations as short as possible with my neighbor. We got to talking alot last week when his wife was rushed to the hospital. He had asked me for a ride to see her one night. We just have a connection. I started to ask him if he needed things from the store, and picked up 2 huge bags of dog food for him, called him several times to see if he needed anything. He calls me frequently also. My friend thinks I am obsessed because her mother is a psychic and did a reading for me about a year ago, and told me that I was going to find happiness with a man who is disabled and has 2 sons. I feel like such a fool. I will go on with my day, and do my best not to talk to him today. Everyone is judging me lately. I am human, crushes do happen. My friends in my support group keep telling me that I am crossing the line with this man, I am tired of being judged.
 

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Since you aren't recieving the affection you desire at home, it is natural to find consolation in others. Keep your head about this- do not cross "the line," which, in this case, would probably be something he or you would later regret. Maybe meditate a bit, and figure out *why* you have such a connection to this man. Think everything out.<br><br>
*Nevermind what people think. They probably regret NOT making the moves they should have with someone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> Good luck.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">I just can't leave him,</div>
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How come?
 

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I'm glad to hear you're going to Al-Anon meetings.<br><br><br><br>
As for your crush on your married neighbor, do you know where your lines are? Do you know where you say something is OK and where they are not OK? I think that if you have your "rules" set out for your relationship with your neighbor, you'll be OK. One of my (married) friends has, in my mind, crossed the line with e-sex and phone sex (at least, the last I heard, that was as far as things had gone) with a married man. But if the two of you can support each other while not crossing the line (as you define it).<br><br><br><br>
I worry about the fact that you are staying with your husband, though. I think you should seriously think about ending that relationship. He's refusing to get sober, and in doing so is refusing to contribute to your relationship. That's not good for you - and IMO relationships should be good for both people, or they're not working. So, independently of the nice neighbor, I'd encourage you to think about whether maintaining your marriage is not only hurting you, but also hurting your husband in terms of giving him permission not to stay sober - he's not losing anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
thanks evil vegan! I am having a hard time meditating the past few days, I am in a fog. Yes, we have 7 wonderful cats, all were strays, some of them are getting up there in years. Josie is 12, she is very affectionate! No, we don't have kids, I had many complications years ago, and I am glad we don't have any. I have 13 nieces and nephews, so I get to go out and play alot!! My husband is not the most reliable worker, and it isn't the life I would want children to be in. I can't seem to leave him because I am not ready in all honesty. We met and fell in love very quickly. He sort of rescued me, I was in another very sick extremely physically abusive longterm relationship when we met. We got married after 2 months, and it is true you don't know someone until you live with them.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>cftwo</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I think you should seriously think about ending that relationship. He's refusing to get sober, and in doing so is refusing to contribute to your relationship. That's not good for you - and IMO relationships should be good for both people, or they're not working.</div>
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<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":up:"><br><br><br><br>
Some people can only be helped by leaving them, or giving them time on their own. A change of life might be best for the both of you. He needs to help himself, you can't do everything for him. And before you encourage a spark to develop between you and someone else, you have to sever your ties with him. Also, you must consider this man's family as well - his children's lives and his wife's life would be changed dramatically.<br><br><br><br>
You can't let your emotion guide you in situations like these. They will only cloud your judgement.
 

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i'm glad that you're going to meetings. if possible, seek councelling for yourself. it will help clarify many things. good luck to you!
 

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I lived with someone who drank for many years. All I can tell you is that a day will come when you will feel you'll have to put yourself first (or go under). There is a point where you will know that there are no other options. Either that, or he decides to turn his life around. The latter is improbable.<br><br><br><br>
The thing with your neighbor sounds natural to me. I wouldn't cross the boundary of physical affection myself, but you both sound like responsible adults so I'm sure you will discuss this BEFORE doing anything.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck to you. Don't destroy yourself trying to stick with someone who doesn't show much consideration for you or your relationship, either.<br><br><br><br><i>(I'm like that still and am in an emotionally abusive relationship yet again, so I really know what this is about).</i>
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks for all the responses. I am still not thinking clearly. I have been doing my best to not think so much, and I am looking forward to the holiday weekend. I really need a few days to chill out. I have been feeling so lonely lately yet I just want to be alone. I think it is a pms depression combo.
 

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I am not judging you but I think you seriously need to think about what you are doing. You are married and so is he. He also has kids and what you two are doing could in the end affect them. In the end you are grown and are going to do what you want but you seriously need to think about the consequences of taking it further. If you think its perfectly friendly then do what you want but you seriosuly need to think about it.<br><br><br><br>
And may be leaving him might help him get his life together by realizing what he has lost. You can't help him, no matter how much you want to, he has a disease and he has to admit his problem on his own, you can't do it for him.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lilliana</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Thanks for all the responses. I am still not thinking clearly. I have been doing my best to not think so much, and I am looking forward to the holiday weekend. I really need a few days to chill out. I have been feeling so lonely lately yet I just want to be alone. I think it is a pms depression combo.</div>
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<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"><br><br><br><br>
Are you planning something for the weekend? That is, are you going to have the chance to chill? Maybe you could spend some time alone, outside, relaxing or something.<br><br><br><br>
Don't feel foolish..relationships are messy, complicated creatures. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thanks Jen, yeah, I intend to be alone all day on Saturday. The forcast predicts rain and for once I couldn't be happier about that. I usually feel so guilty when I spend the day relaxing when it is sunny out, feel like I am wasting the day. I plan to see my neighbor tommorow, I promised him a ride, roundtrip, we should be together for about an hour or so. I am thinking about what I am going to say. I feel like addressing the issue with him. I do feel foolish, because I am acting like a school girl at 33. I know he has feelings/attraction at least towards me, it is probably a good idea to talk about it with him. I have to do something because I can't keep beating myself up like this. I have an ED and was doing pretty well for about 2 months, eating lots of raw food, and feeling great. I have been less than good to myself since Sunday and feel disguisted with myself mentally and phycially. My therapist says that it is good that I recognize all this, now I need to plan on a way out of this mess. She also pissed me off by asking what I see in someone who is in a wheelchair. I thought that was really cold of her. Just because he wheels instead of walks doesn't make him less of a person. I see past the chair. She really shocked me. The issue to me is that I have another crush on someone, this has been happening for a while now and each time it gets more difficult for me to process. She told me that if I were to persue a sexual relationship with this man it wouldn't be the same as it would be with a non disabled man. We would have to adjust certain things. She must think I just feel off the apple truck, maybe I am just hypersensitive right now.Lil
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lilliana</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
My friends in my support group keep telling me that I am crossing the line with this man, I am tired of being judged.</div>
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<br><br><br>
You should listen to your friends, they make sense.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>lilliana</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
She also pissed me off by asking what I see in someone who is in a wheelchair. I thought that was really cold of her. Just because he wheels instead of walks doesn't make him less of a person. I see past the chair. She really shocked me.</div>
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Maybe she didn't mean the question in the way you interpreted it. Maybe she was pointing out that this is a man that you can help, by going to the store for him, rescuing him from his mean wife, etc. which is similar to your husband and previous relatioship- people who needed help and by being with them you fulfilled your need to feel needed or to help someone. Many people raise their self-esteem by being with people with a problem that they can help solve. It makes us feel good about ourselves to be needed or to know we are noble and helping. Of course there are many other things you probably like about him, too, and he probably doesn't actually "need" help, but this dynamic might be the underlying "spark". Perhaps you could ask your psychologist what she meant by her comment. If you felt offended, you should say so. Maybe she/he could clarify.
 

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Maybe people aren't judging you. They are giving you advice that you don't like. Therefore, you defend yourself by thinking they are judging you. But who cares what other people think. It's your life.<br><br>
You must know about "the line" when you posted your thread. It prompted you to talk about it with us.<br><br>
I was in a bad marriage (not a drunk but a gambler) and I got out. The thing is too big for me to handle. I am no hero who think I can save anyone. I can only save myself.<br><br>
Good luck to you. "Find happiness."
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Thanks Thalia! You made some good points I did not think of. I do have a habit of trying to fix and help-have been that way my whole life. I have an eating disorder and I obsess and want everything to be perfect, and I love to be needed because I am very needy at times myself, it takes the focus off me. Thanks for the well wishes Sauteedbeens, you too are correct. I only like talking to the people who are agreeing with me because it is what I want to hear. Good for you for leaving, you are brave, I admire you.
 

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I think before you involve anyone else, you need to clean up your own messes first. If you want to be with your husband, then be with your husband and no one else. If you don't want to be with your husband, then STOP being with your husband before you move on. There's no excuse for cheating.<br><br><br><br>
Whether this other man is in the picture or not, you need to take care of your own life and figure out what you're planning to do with your current husband. When you are single, then you can worry about who to date next.<br><br><br><br>
All outside issues aside, your #1 priority right now should be are you staying or leaving? Don't take into consideration "Oh, it might work out with Mr Across-The-Street... oh but what if it doesn't? I'll be alone.." JUST decide if you're divorcing or not.
 
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