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Discussion Starter #1
I'm probably just having one of "those days." Do any of you ever feel like this about your SO? Mine can be such an ASS! Allow me to recount his transgressions of the day:<br><br><br><br>
When I got home from the gym I was tired, sweaty and hungry and trying desperately to figure out my fall course schedule. I was getting kindof stressed. He starts grabbing at my arm and around my waste to literally pull me towards the bedroom, saying "lets do it." Ugh. I refused.<br><br><br><br>
There's a woman at the gym who is training for a weight lifting competition. She is quite strong and muscular and I was talking about it with my sister. I said her arms were almost as big as my husband's. WELL, I sure heard about that all morning! He went on and on about what an offensive thing that was to say and how totally clueless I am about how hard he works and how I never compliment him on his body. I apologized but he still went on and on. I felt convicted to compliment him more, but what's up with that type of ego?<br><br><br><br>
Then we had a fight in the car about gay marriage, in which he pissed me off thoroughly by saying I had "no argument" when I had presented a well laid out argument for gay marriage.<br><br><br><br>
Then he pissed me off thoroughly by not offering to pay for our portion of the dinner with my grandmother. He whispered at me "Well, I'm not offering! You offer!" and I was about to offer when he said, "I don't have any money on me!" all snarky [see my etiquette question thread for more details on this ongoing issue]. I had thought he had cash on him, but after learning that he didn't I wasn't even able to offer to pay. We argued about it the whole way home.<br><br><br><br>
I got so mad when he said I have weird perceptions about money and that I was like that when we were dating. I told him he was an ass when we were dating and no one in their right mind would have married him. And I meant it. He is not attractive to me and we have no sexual chemistry. He mostly just annoys me and doesn't understand when I want to be left alone.<br><br><br><br>
We've been married 6 years and some days are better than this. Thanks for listening.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> Don't know what to say... It sounds like he would have a long story to tell, too. But I know this is not any fun at all... While your husband sounds like he has some insecurities and probably actually needs some attention and reassurance from you, there probably are bigger underlying issues.
 

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sometimes i feel the same way about my husband. lots of the time actually. hope it gets better <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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I understand it must not be easy to share your life with someone who can be less than understanding.<br><br><br><br>
Now, I don't mean to be rude or to reproach you in any way, but there's one thing that strikes me as odd: you're saying how your husband isn't attractive to you, doesn't understand you and generally annoys you, and yet you've been married to him 6 years, and you mentioned in your etiquette thread that you're probably having children in the future. Again, I don't presume to tell you how to live your life, but I quite honestly wonder why you want to stay with this man. In my experience, whenever I don't get along with certain people, problems like the ones you describe (irritability, finding the other person annoying, inability to understand each other) tend to appear, I think mainly because of incompatibility coupled with proximity. Just my opinion.
 

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don't worry, just one more year and the infamous first (and last?) 7 years are over <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> there are millions of men out there who favor gay marriage, and not all of them are gay <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"> the way it sounds you have never really been fascinated by your hubby. why did you marry him in the first place, if i may ask? were you too young back then?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I was 17 when I got married. And Mazikeen, those are good questions. He can be really sweet and sometimes I feel like he's the only person that loves me. I honestly believe he loves me even if he doesn't show it very well sometimes. I know I have a lot of thinking to do.
 

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there you have it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/blank.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":|"> that was quite young an age to get married at. maybe he feels the same way about you and you are just wasting each other's best years ... maybe you should see a marriage counselor <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Discussion Starter #8
KDB,<br><br>
No, he loves me and likes me more than I love and like him. And I feel guilty about it. If that makes sense.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>NaturalChick</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I was 17 when I got married. And Mazikeen, those are good questions. He can be really sweet and sometimes I feel like he's the only person that loves me. I honestly believe he loves me even if he doesn't show it very well sometimes. I know I have a lot of thinking to do.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Good luck with it all, dear, I know it can be hard, but it pays off to really sit down and reconsider things when you're not happy with the current situation. I wish you all the best. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>hoodedclawjen</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
i understand that. but that guilt must be a lot to carry, especially if you aren't happy for most of the time.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
He isn't happy, either, though, I am sure. It certainly does not sound like he is.
 

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of course that makes sense. but your words sound rather harsh, which makes it appear rather unlikely that things will change as far as your attitude towards him is concerned. i personally think that at 17 one's tastes and preferences are not fully developed. one is still a teenager and developing and probably the two of you simply drifted apart as you grew older.<br><br>
i just think that it might be better to end it right there than to drag it on for decades just because of feelings of guilt. if your feeling towards him do not change, but you stay together anyway, you might feel even more guilty one day for having stolen his life and not given him what he deserves. but i am no councelor <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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^^ I agree! ^^<br><br><br><br>
I'm only 21, so I know I'm in no place to be giving advice ...<br><br><br><br>
But me personally... I am a completely different person today at 21 than I was at 17 ... In fact, I've changed more in just the past couple years than I think I did all through high school.<br><br><br><br>
I think it's a good idea to go see councelor and try to figure things out ... and then if you decide there's just no way to reconnect the way you did when you were teens, I don't think there's anything wrong with just cutting your losses and moving on - for both of you - before, like KBD said, you both realize you aren't happy after you've already been together through your dating years and have children together.<br><br><br><br>
I've noticed among some of my older friends that a separation can actually help (after trying counseling, IMO). Couples either realize how much they miss one another and decide it's worth it to work at the marriage ... or they realize how much they enjoy their independence and decide the right thing to do is to move on separately...<br><br><br><br>
Like I said, I haven't personally experienced a situation like yours, so my advice should be taken with a few grains of salt! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> Good luck to you, whatever you decide. I hope you end up happy in the long run, however it turns out.
 
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen<br><br>
i understand that. but that guilt must be a lot to carry, especially if you aren't happy for most of the time.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Re:<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">He isn't happy, either, though, I am sure. It certainly does not sound like he is.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
i don't think i said what i meant properly.... i understand, because i feel like my bf loves and likes me more than i love him, sometimes too, and i feel guilty (and a little afraid) about the idea of staying with him and trying to work through it, and guilty about even thinking about the idea of leaving him, and it is a bit of a heavy weight to carry for me, lol. and my bf is actually relatively happy (just sometimes a little worried about me, but hopefull that i'll get it together and calm down and adjust to normality, i think!).<br><br><br><br>
so yeah, the heavy weight stuff.... i carry some of my own guilt and worry about with me like a big pile of complicated tangled thoughts and emotions- so i imagine its heavy for somone else too.<br><br><br><br>
with me, its often more about my not liking and loving <i>myself</i> that much, underneath, and a little bit about limited relationship and 'normal' life experience though (i had a screwed up childhood, and no relationships prior to this one, lol- i get upset and don't know how to deal with things like the fact that my bf is sweet and kind and patient, and that he<i>doesn't</i> shout at me and flip out randomly- and then i wonder if i'm worthy of his love, but then when i'm in a pissy mood i wonder if i'm settling for him, when there could be a somehow more wonderful love out there for me, blah blah blah...lmao).<br><br><br><br>
so basically, i deal with these conflicting feelings of not being worthy of his love, and of being irritated and stressed by him- but with me, its really mainly about my own insecurities and worries- when i don't think too hard about it, we get along just fine.<br><br><br><br>
but yep, i know a little about my personal experience of feeling guilty, and sometimes unhappy, in a relationship. and it does sound like the OP's husband feels unhappy too, from his behaviour. and yep, i might think about getting some relationship councelling if i was feeling that way 6 years into a marriage too.... and from the sounds of my post, i should get some for myself too!
 

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Thanks, Jen.... You've kind of given me some insight on past relationships. Especially one where I knew she did not love herself, but I always wondered why it seemed she hated me for loving her. Thanks....<br><br><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>hoodedclawjen</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Re: i ... too!</div>
</div>
<br>
 
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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Thanks, Jen.... You've kind of given me some insight on past relationships. Especially one where I knew she did not love herself, but I always wondered why it seemed she hated me for loving her. Thanks....</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
lol, that whole self esteem thing- its a complicated issue... if you ever come across a book of poems called 'Knots' by K D Laing, i found it helped it kind of make sense to me- see excerpt below- one of the poems from the book: *and then i will stop hijacking this thread, lol*<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">I don’t respect myself<br><br>
I can’t respect anyone who respects me.<br><br>
I can only respect someone who does not respect me.<br><br><br><br>
I respect Jack<br><br>
because he does not respect me<br><br><br><br>
I despise Tom<br><br>
because he does not despise me<br><br><br><br>
Only a despicable person<br><br>
can respect someone as despicable as me<br><br><br><br>
I cannot love someone I despise<br><br><br><br>
Since I love Jack<br><br>
I cannot believe he loves me<br><br><br><br>
What proof can he give?</div>
</div>
<br>
 

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the seven year 'itch' (i call it seven year frustration) is very real--i did go through it and had to work through it with my DH. though, i was considerably older when i married him. and i was only 21 when i met him--so a lot of growth did take place with both of us. But, i think what happened at theat 7 yr mark is that i'd put a finger on what i wanted, and when that need (it was a real need) wasn't getting met, i got really frustrated. We were able to work through it pretty easily and that was two years ago now.<br><br><br><br>
but, by the same token if you are truly not attracted to him or what have you, then you need to seriously reconsider why you're in the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Well, now that I've cooled off I can say that we often get a long pretty well. We're friends even if I have trouble with the attraction part. I almost feel like I'm married to my brother sometimes. I love him and he's great but we bicker and I really don't want to sleep with him! Anyway, he's not all bad and I think I might have some 7 year itch going on, like zoebird suggested, because I'm not ready to throw in the towel on things. I think I'd really miss him. Just not everything about him.
 

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I also agree with those who suggest some sort of counseling. You both deserve being married to people you love and are attracted to. If you can't work things out I believe its better to break up so that each of you can find partners who are compatible with you and have love, attraction and affection for you.<br><br><br><br>
If you really want to have children, I would highly recommend you resolve your issues before you start trying. I think it is completely unfair to bring a child into a family where the parents do not have a loving, affectionate relationship.<br><br><br><br>
Best of luck and don't give up the ship just yet. There may be ways to fix your relationship. However once you reach a point where you have tried and you do not feel your relationship can be restored, don't be afraid to break up. It is my belief that we only have one life and it would be a shame to spend it in a situation you know isn't right. Make sure that the life you are living is the one you actively choose to live.
 

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I married a really great guy when I was seventeen. We were going to conquer the world and show everyone how committed and in love we were! We were divorced when I was nineteen. I wasn't as smart and grown up as I thought I was. At that age, you really don't know yourself enough to choose a life mate. We realized that, while we loved each other and were such good friends, we didn't have that "spark" that makes a happy marriage. We went our separate ways and are both happily remarried to other people and remain good friends to this day, 15 years later.<br><br>
My in-laws have been together since they were teens and they hate each other. They've tried every trick in the book to stay together, and they are still together, but they can't stand each other. They are miserable at 58 and 61 years old. That sucks.<br><br>
If it's not a good marriage, you may not be with the right man. You only get one life to live. Don't settle for anything less that happiness. If it's worth it to you, get counseling, try and make it work, but don't be miserable.
 
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