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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Or at least too old fashioned for what passes for dating these days.

Blech!

I am newly single after 16 years of marriage and 17 years together as a couple.

I recently met a guy ... I say met and use the term loosely because we sent a couple of emails, we exchanged a few texts and we had one telephone conversation. It wasnt anything major. Just the typical getting-to-know-you song and dance.

Now I am very clear and up front about what I want right now. I want to date. Good, old-fashioned, dating. Not friends with benefits. Not an exclusive relationship before weve known one another for 2 weeks. And I have zero intention of bringing sex into the mix. Sex is a serious thing. It can be a lot of fun. It can enrich a relationship. It can be a physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual bond. BUT it is also a huge responsibility with a great many potential conflicts and consequences.

If I am going to risk the emotional and physical consequences of adding sex to a relationship Id better be darn good and able to trust that person. Trust is not developed over a period of hours, or days, or weeks. It can take months to truly learn who someone is.

So after talking on the phone on Tuesday evening - a conversation where we discussed that very topic - I got a text on Wednesday morning. It started with Good morning, Honey. Huh? Wha? Honey? Who? Me?

I live in Alabama but I am not from around here. I am a Yankee, tried and true. There are a lot of Southern quirks that I don't get. At the top of that list is the concept of calling strangers by pet names like darlin, sugar, honey, sweetie, or doll. I dont do it. I dont understand it. I dont even particularly like it. But I deal with it because it is a constant of life here.

We exchanged a couple of texts and he let me know he was going to head home (he works nights) and go to bed, that hed talk to me later. Okay. So far so good.

My day was hugely busy and I didnt have time to talk to anyone (except my fellow nursing students and my daughter). But before I went to bed, as a gesture and so as to not make this guy think that he had to do all of the work I sent a text message letting him know that I hoped he had a good night at work and that I was (like him earlier in the day) going to bed.

Apparently, and I had no idea that this was the case, saying the word bed to a man is like waving a read flag in front of a bull. Or so some helpful single friends have told me. And because I said the dreaded word, bed, to a man Id known for less than 72 hours I invited his reply:

Quote:
Only bad think about that is Im not there with you. Wink. I just got up and headed to work. Sleep well. XOXO
Really? Sexual innuendo AND hugs and kisses? To someone you havent even met face-to-face yet?

I am so not ready for this dating thing. So far every single guy I've met has been in a huge hurry to throw sex into the mix. When I have stated clearly that I'm not interested I have been told that I have "silly hangups."

I'm too old for this ****.
 

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I'm sooo glad I'm not in the dating scene. It's been so long I wouldn't even know how to start over again.

I do think the internet thing has removed barriers to behaviors that a person would never say/do face to face.

Hold in there someone who shares your values is bound to show up sooner or later.
 

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My mom is the complete opposite and I seriously worry about her. I won't go into detail but it really upsets me at times that she's putting herself and other people at risk.

I say good for you for taking things slow and I'm sorry that more men don't seem to be willing to do the same.
 

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Yep. For me, that kind of "sexting" chat is way too familiar, too presumptuous and a bit sleazy that early in the relationship. This is going to sound a bit snobby and aloof, but I'd consider his texts an indication of a guy that is not intellectually or morally "posh enough" for me and I'd tell him I'd met someone else.
 

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If he has different morals than you its probably not meant to be. I know someone with similar ideas about dating and sex as you do and I respect her for it.
I try to be up front with how I feel about people too it seems to throw them off because a lot of people aren't very direct when it comes to relationships and feelings.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by SquarePeg View Post

I am so not ready for this dating thing.
Seems so.

You didn't say how long you had been seperated, btw. I have been told that it often takes a full 18 months for a person to properly 'heal'.

This though ..

Quote:
Now I am very clear and up front about what I want right now. I want to date. Good, old-fashioned, dating. Not friends with benefits. Not an exclusive relationship before we've known one another for 2 weeks. And I have zero intention of bringing sex into the mix. Sex is a serious thing. It can be a lot of fun. It can enrich a relationship. It can be a physiological, psychological, emotional and spiritual bond. BUT … it is also a huge responsibility with a great many potential conflicts and consequences.

If I am going to risk the emotional and physical consequences of adding sex to a relationship … I'd better be darn good and able to trust that person. Trust is not developed over a period of hours, or days, or weeks. It can take months to truly learn who someone is.
Many of these
to you!

My guess is that a lot of chaps out there have never known, or long since given up hope, that women like you still exist.

Hope you find the right man in the right time SP. Best of British luck!
 

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His text is a bit sleezy with that "wink" there! Might have been ok without it. Just keep standing by your morals and good luck finding someone that fits in with them. Those good men are out there.
 

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get yourself a dating profile on a sitewhere you say that you want it the old fashioned way. and clairfy what you mean by it
 

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I went on a couple of dates with a woman and made it clear I just wanted to be friends. She sent me a really weird e-mail asking if I was not into sex or if I was gay? I guess she thought it was weird I was not attracted to her.
Did you tell this guy that you would not consider having sex for a very long time? If so, then he was completely out of line. If not, I think that is kind of a typical flirting thing that guys do. I have to admit that I would have a hard time dating a woman knowing that there was no chance for sex. I consider myself a nice guy and definitely treat women with respect, but no sex could be a deal breaker after a few weeks. If the person just wanted to hang as friends, then I would be totally cool being friends. Anyway, good luck with the dating. I am sure if you find a guy that meets your criteria, then he will be a good guy.
 

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I'm sure there are people out there who want similar things as you. I would be creeped out by that too, especially having never met each other, and I'm not exactly old-fashioned.
 

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You don't have silly hangups, you have morals. Luckily for you, there are even some men out there who have them. Don't compromise and keep looking. You'll find him.
 

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oh i am sorry, so people who don't date like its 1949, don't have morals and aren't good guys? lol
 

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I did the online dating scene for a while and it seemed like most guys there feel like if you are a woman on there you are obviously looking to get laid, and desperate enough to do it with anyone, including them. I wouldn't compromise on your values and I'd tell this guy you aren't interested in the whole sexy flirting thing. If he thinks you are old-fashioned for it then he obviously isnt the right guy for you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ira View Post

oh i am sorry, so people who don't date like its 1949, don't have morals and aren't good guys? lol
I wouldn't know what dating was like in 1949. I am older than the average age here, but not that old.

I think the point being made is that my moral values, whether shared or not, are not "silly hangups." Which was an offensive and rude comment. Just as it would be rude for someone to tell any of us here that the moral/ethical values upon which one bases his/her veg*nism are "silly hangups."

I am not saying that I would have to date someone for months or years ... or marry them ... before becoming sexually involved. I just think that for me sex is a vital part of a committed, monogamous relationship. Until I am ready to make a commitment I am not ready to have sex.

Hell, I have a nearly 16 year-old daughter for whom I must set am example. It wouldn't really be good to have sex with a guy I've only known for a few weeks.

It is just damn annoying. I have been told that I wasn't specific enough about what I wanted (i.e. no casual sex) and that wasn't a good thing. So then I am upfront about my beliefs and I am told that my no casual sex statement is like a challenge ... it is worse than being in junior high. And I am finding that at 42 I simply don't have the patience for silly games.

I should have been a nun.
 

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I don't think you have silly hang ups. Just annoyed when people call this as having morals as if people with otherdating styles don't have any. maybe i simply misunderstood their comments

you should date however you want. dating is there for people to enjoy.

i think you should still bevery upfront on a dating page, after a few messages you can see who considers it a challenge and who doesn't. thats thegreatness of internetdating, you don't have to waste too much time on dates to figure out that the person really isnt for you. i am sure you will find lots of people who want the same thing as you
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I am very clear with any potential date about what I am looking for. I am also very clear about my current situation as a single mom to a teen and a full-time nursing student. My schedule is very busy so a committed relationship isn't a realistic expectation for me right now. I definitely make sure to tell everyone where I stand right now. I don't want to waste my time or theirs.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ira View Post

I don't think you have silly hang ups. Just annoyed when people call this as having morals as if people with otherdating styles don't have any. maybe i simply misunderstood their comments

you should date however you want. dating is there for people to enjoy.
The important point that you are missing here is that YOU are a woman who doesn't sound like you're all that emotionally satisfied with some of the choices that you have made in conducting your sexual relationships. Remember how your felt when your best friend treated you like crap once he'd had sex with you? It was obvious that you felt upset about it afterwards.

That very feeling you experienced is why some women choose not to have sex with guys who wanna start laying the groundwork for sex with you too early on in the relationship, because generally speaking, they aren't going to turn out to be morally sound dudes in that area. If you don't mind being ****ed and then forgotten, then go for sex on the first date, I wouldn't judge you for that if you enjoy it, but don't then do an emotional flip-out the morning after and get all crushed because he's not acting like he wants a relationship with you.
 

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Maybe find a meet up with people of your interests like a veggitarian food one or a whatever religion you subscribe to if you do. My point is just getting yourself out there and meeting new people and you never know.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nishani View Post

The important point that you are missing here is that YOU are a woman who doesn't sound like you're all that emotionally satisfied with some of the choices that you have made in conducting your sexual relationships. Remember how your felt when your best friend treated you like crap once he'd had sex with you? It was obvious that you felt upset about it afterwards.

That very feeling you experienced is why some women choose not to have sex with guys who wanna start laying the groundwork for sex with you too early on in the relationship, because generally speaking, they aren't going to turn out to be morally sound dudes in that area. If you don't mind being ****ed and then forgotten, then go for sex on the first date, I wouldn't judge you for that if you enjoy it, but don't then do an emotional flip-out the morning after and get all crushed because he's not acting like he wants a relationship with you.
This is actually a bad point. The story that happened with me and my friend doesn't fit in here. He didn't start treating me like crap once we had sex. We had sex first time sometime aroundn 2008 when we got horny after getting drunk in a strip club. and we had a great friendship for years after that. the problem started when me and him decided that since we are great friends we will be a great couple. unfortunately at the same time he was going through some personality changes and while i was thinking that i am dating the same guy i knew for years he decided that he wants to become a family guy, desperate to moving in, having babies etc., like some women who turn that age are because they believe it is time and they should do it NOW. I wasn't noticing the hints he gave me when he was talking about how moving in would be great and he was gettin irritated because ididn't show any interest in getting more serious. since he sucks at communication he held it all in and then just blew up by dumping me via facebook relationship status and refusing to answer any calls even though we had a vacation coming up in a few days. then he finally told me that he wants to be serious and i am immature (unlike people who dump others through facebook, i guess, lol), i just like to have fun, i don't care about future and blah, blah, blah. now he seems to have found what he wanted. he has a girlfriend who moved in with him after few weeks, they fight all the time and he cries about how much he wants babies. Actually my story is more of an example how getting to know each other before starting a relationship may not work out.

anyways, not trying to turn this thread to me. just clarifying a misunderstanding here. i wasn't upset because some relationship wasn't working, i was upset about a friend acting like an ass and a good friendship ending. Other than that i am very emotionally satisfied.

and it bsure isn't for everyone. OP should date the way she wants to, i don't think i have said anything of the opposite in here
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eek View Post

I did the online dating scene for a while and it seemed like most guys there feel like if you are a woman on there you are obviously looking to get laid, and desperate enough to do it with anyone, including them. I wouldn't compromise on your values and I'd tell this guy you aren't interested in the whole sexy flirting thing. If he thinks you are old-fashioned for it then he obviously isnt the right guy for you.
I so agree, when I dated online for a while none of the guys I met wanted anything ''serious'' they all wanted just 'open relationships'' because they weren't ''into monogamy'' while I clearly stated on my profile that I wasn't looking for casual sex or open relationships.

It seems to be a trend anyway, that young people don't want to commit to one person anymore. I'm 24 and I actually only meet this kind of people, which is why I stopped dating alltogther. If someone isn't serious about me, I don't need them in my life. I still hope I'll find a guy with a bit more conservative morals one day.
 
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