VeggieBoards banner

1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been veg*n for almost two years now, a fact that absolutely infuriates my mother. I am often weak and sick, though this has been true for most of my life, and has actually improved into adulthood. In attributing my frequent fatigue and general ill health to my vegetarian diet, she is selectively erasing about eighteen years worth of memories regarding my health.<br><br>
On many occasions, upon asserting that I NEEDED meat to function (nevermind that I have friends who have been life-long vegetarians who are in amazing health, and my mother has even met one of them), I have calmly told her that I have done hours and hours of research on the matter, and that I would be happy to show it to her. Furthermore, I would be happy to read and seriously consider any literature that would prove her point. It is clear that she finds any response in this manner to be condescending, and asserts that she has neither the time or the desire to do so. ...So in other words, she doesn't have thirty minutes to research veg*nism, but still insists on maintaining an uninformed opinion in the most offensive way possible.<br><br>
I mean, my dad and my brother make jokes about my lifestyle; my dad loves to tease me about going out to the lawn to gather meals. And you know, I don't mind, because he does it in a light-hearted, humorous, non-offensive way. My mother takes it to a different level.<br><br>
A few days ago, we got into one of our ear-splitting screaming matches. It started with me complaining of fatigue, at which point she asserted, offensively, that it was obviously because I don't 'eat right', meaning I don't eat meat. I took offense and stormed off. She escalated it. Pretty soon, she was calling me a slut (over an unrelated incident that occurred five months ago, in which I participated in a very liberating, and non-creepy tradition at my school - Naked Week!) and saying that my boyfriend (with whom I share my most functional and loving relationship) didn't respect me and that I was just a piece of ass to him.<br><br>
All of this over me being a vegetarian! Instead of confronting me calmly about the real problem, she calls me filthy names. Says I am not welcome back again (I was home for summer break to get physical therapy for a bad back injury), that I don't exist to her anymore. All of this over a lifestyle choice that means everything to me, that she refuses to learn ANYTHING about.<br><br>
I suppose this is why I hate confrontation. Although I have made significant progress with the boy's help, I remain terrified of confrontation of any kind, because I have been taught that at best, it ends in my fears and sadness being mocked and disregarded, and at worst, it ends in this.<br><br>
Anyway, that's my rant for the day/night/whatever. Just thought I'd vent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,693 Posts
Unfortunately, once anger enters into the picture rationality promptly departs. She isn't going to look at the research because it is no longer about right or wrong, but about winning. If looking at the research presents the possibility that she will lose, then that alone is reason not to look at it. And even if she did look at it, since her accusations aren't based even remotely on logic in the first place, it would likely not solve anything as, again, irrational anger is the issue here, not lack of knowledge.<br><br>
I am not optimistic when it comes to dealing with naturally angry, verbally abusive, confrontational people. I am not necessarily afraid of confrontation when there is an end goal and the confrontation is a necessary part of reaching that end goal, but knowing that most of the time it is pointless and leads only to meaningless screaming and hurt feelings, it's usually best to just walk away and separate yourself from these people. Sucks when it happens to be family though.
 

·
Ankle Biter
Joined
·
9,333 Posts
I'm so sorry. It must feel awful to be called horrible names by your mother. She strikes me as a very immature and selfish person, and one who has some very serious control issues. I hope she gets some professional help before she ruins your relationship forever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,097 Posts
It's unfortunate that your mother has such severe issues with her perception of you. I was extremely fortunate when I began my journey to have ambivalent tolerance if not support from most of my immediate family members. It's easy enough to deal with criticism when you don't have to live with it or when it's otherwise not from someone you have to be around often. That other kind's a hard pill to swallow and since I had such an easy time of it I'm afraid the usual advice I could give simply doesn't apply, so you're gonna unfortunately have to tough it out and prove her wrong. That's really all you can do, except for finding a way to get away from her completely, which would be even more unfortunate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
824 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Poppy</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934998"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I'm so sorry. It must feel awful to be called horrible names by your mother. She strikes me as a very immature and selfish person, and one who has some very serious control issues. I hope she gets some professional help before she ruins your relationship forever.</div>
</div>
<br><span style="color:#800080;">I agree, my bio mom made our relationship impossible. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong and realize its her, not you.</span>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I feel like it's going to, regrettably, come to completely cutting contact, as this is not a recent development. Yeah, it's gotten worse, but it's been like this for awhile. And sometimes we don't talk for a couple of weeks, and she comes back and gives me an insincere apology, which I accept, because I hate the tension. I'm generally a very forgiving person, and I don't like holding grudges. But I have a very hard time now forgetting things she said even months ago, things that I said I forgave, that I wanted to forgive, but that I can't.<br><br>
I guess if she comes to me five years from now and tells me she's been seeking help, I'd be willing to attempt a functional relationship again. But until that point, I've started to realize her influence in my life is toxic. I've tried to avoid cutting all ties, but for my mental health, I may have to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,075 Posts
That sounds awful. I am amazed at how much friction becoming a vegetarian can cause in a family. In my case I havent been having a lot of problems with my parents over it, but with my brother and his fiance lately. It is hard. I hope you can manage to get a bit of distance from her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,743 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
It started with me complaining of fatigue, at which point she asserted, offensively, that it was obviously because I don't 'eat right'...<br><br>
Pretty soon, she was calling me a slut (over an unrelated incident that occurred five months ago, in which I participated in a very liberating, and non-creepy tradition at my school - Naked Week!) and saying that my boyfriend (with whom I share my most functional and loving relationship) didn't respect me and that I was just a piece of ass to him.</div>
</div>
<br>
If you do have more contact with you mother, stop telling her about your life and learn to blow it off if she comments on it. Don't tell her about things like Naked Week or your boyfriend or your illnesses. Just be vague about your life and tell her everything is fine and don't give her ammunition.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,272 Posts
If you need anyone to talk to you can pm me and friend me , I can give you some love and your mother is wrong for calling you that , your only human and humans makes mistakes and we all have a right to choose our path in our lives. I would refrain from going over there if you have too or avoid them they are being toxic to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
221 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Irizary</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2936502"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
If you do have more contact with you mother, stop telling her about your life and learn to blow it off if she comments on it. Don't tell her about things like Naked Week or your boyfriend or your illnesses. Just be vague about your life and tell her everything is fine and don't give her ammunition.</div>
</div>
<br>
Yeah, I definitely learned that the hard way. Although our relationship has always been love/hate, when I was in high school, in some ways, she was my only friend, and we were like confidants. However, things change. I can't take back what I've already said, but I've definitely learned for the future. It's just kind of hurtful because she used to have the whole 'you can tell me anything' attitude. Apparently not.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">If you need anyone to talk to you can pm me and friend me , I can give you some love and your mother is wrong for calling you that , your only human and humans makes mistakes and we all have a right to choose our path in our lives. I would refrain from going over there if you have too or avoid them they are being toxic to you.</div>
</div>
<br>
Awww, thank you so much! That was very, very sweet of you.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,131 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":hug:"> I'm sorry. It sounds like it's nothing to really do with your vegetarianism, but more to do with your mother's personal control issues. I have some similar family members that are the same way. They want to make everything a debate and want to win all the time. Last time I saw them they would debate everything I would eat even when I had an ingredients list. I said I didn't want tomato soup because it had chicken broth in it, and I even showed them the packet of soup, and they still said, "No, it's vegetarian! It's just tomatoes!". Another time they went to McDonald's and I said I didn't want any fries because they use beef extract and they replied in a matter-of-fact way, "No, they don't." I pulled up McDonald's website right there and showed them the ingredients, and we even asked the girl running the drive-thru, and they still didn't believe me, saying, "no, french fries are always just potatoes and salt!". Your mother sounds similar with her not reading the research. Some people can't even be open-minded enough to read something for two seconds, especially if it means they might "lose".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I have been veg*n for almost two years now, a fact that absolutely infuriates my mother. I am often weak and sick, though this has been true for most of my life, and has actually improved into adulthood. In attributing my frequent fatigue and general ill health to my vegetarian diet, she is selectively erasing about eighteen years worth of memories regarding my health.</div>
</div>
<br>
Sorry to hear that. This may be impossible given what you've said, but if there's any way that you can improve your health and show that you care about being healthy, that might help. Though maybe it isn't worth the trouble.<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
On many occasions, upon asserting that I NEEDED meat to function (nevermind that I have friends who have been life-long vegetarians who are in amazing health, and my mother has even met one of them), I have calmly told her that I have done hours and hours of research on the matter, and that I would be happy to show it to her. Furthermore, I would be happy to read and seriously consider any literature that would prove her point. It is clear that she finds any response in this manner to be condescending, and asserts that she has neither the time or the desire to do so. ...So in other words, she doesn't have thirty minutes to research veg*nism, but still insists on maintaining an uninformed opinion in the most offensive way possible.</div>
</div>
<br>
Yeah, people are pretty persistent in avoiding or undermining anything that might change their minds. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> In convincing my parents that a vegan diet could be healthy, I went so far as to write a research paper on it, with charts and tables. It was a pre-emptive strike, and they've pretty much left me alone after that (and after the doctor said I was healthy).<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I mean, my dad and my brother make jokes about my lifestyle; my dad loves to tease me about going out to the lawn to gather meals. And you know, I don't mind, because he does it in a light-hearted, humorous, non-offensive way. My mother takes it to a different level.<br><br>
A few days ago, we got into one of our ear-splitting screaming matches. It started with me complaining of fatigue, at which point she asserted, offensively, that it was obviously because I don't 'eat right', meaning I don't eat meat. I took offense and stormed off. She escalated it. Pretty soon, she was calling me a slut (over an unrelated incident that occurred five months ago, in which I participated in a very liberating, and non-creepy tradition at my school - Naked Week!) and saying that my boyfriend (with whom I share my most functional and loving relationship) didn't respect me and that I was just a piece of ass to him.<br><br>
All of this over me being a vegetarian! Instead of confronting me calmly about the real problem, she calls me filthy names. Says I am not welcome back again (I was home for summer break to get physical therapy for a bad back injury), that I don't exist to her anymore. All of this over a lifestyle choice that means everything to me, that she refuses to learn ANYTHING about.</div>
</div>
<br>
I kind of doubt that all of this is over you being a vegetarian. I know plenty of people who hate/disrespect vegetarians, but they wouldn't necessarily say the stuff your mom did. There's something else going on with her...maybe your choice has triggered something in her that's just aggravated some tension that was already there. But, I really hate it too when people look at my most prized relationships and call them dysfunctional or harmful without knowing anything about them. And that nudity thing at your school sounds freakin' awesome! What an unconventional/amazing idea for people to not be afraid of their bodies. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I suppose this is why I hate confrontation. Although I have made significant progress with the boy's help, I remain terrified of confrontation of any kind, because I have been taught that at best, it ends in my fears and sadness being mocked and disregarded, and at worst, it ends in this.<br><br>
Anyway, that's my rant for the day/night/whatever. Just thought I'd vent.</div>
</div>
<br>
Just keep doing your thing, and take care of yourself. Keep talking to your boyfriend; he probably knows much more about you and how valuable you are than your mom. Which is unfortunate, but not everybody can see it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,056 Posts
the best you can do in a situation like this is to accept that some things are beyond your control. i would ensure that i was getting plenty or aerobic exercise (i have found this by far the best treatment for emotional distresses). i'd try to keep the cleanest possible health habits with very little partying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
120 Posts
It's obvious your mother doesn't want to accept the fact that she is/might be wrong. Trust me, 90% of people who have never looked into the other side of the argument will not look into it once you give them the idea they might be wrong. It's like my dad with far left politics, he won't research it because he knows 99% of what he says about it is wrong and it comes as a sudden shock to him that it's not what he thinks it is. People are uncomfortable with the idea of changing their opinions even if they are supplied with all of the reasons they should, especially when it comes to vegetarianism. I know because when I first looked into vegetarianism I didn't want to accept the fact that I might be wrong and I'd have to make a big (or at least what I thought at the time was a big) change to my life. People aren't brought up to look at both sides of an argument evenly, we just get into this habit of going into defense mode when another argument comes up. I can disprove most of the things my dad says about certain drugs like marijuana yet he still comes up with crappy arguments to try and keep his point of view. Clearly if someone can disprove/defeat all of your arguments, you must realise that you got something wrong in the first place and that maybe it's time to reconsider where you stand on the subject. Unfortunately it's just something we have to deal with as veg*ns.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
841 Posts
To way too many families out there, love is making each other conform to standards. While love in its true sense is helping the other person be themselves.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,861 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>xamorphia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/2934931"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
A few days ago, we got into one of our ear-splitting screaming matches ..</div>
</div>
<br>
This is one of those "it takes two to tango" kinda things?<br><br>
Anyways, just in case it helps, here's a little run down of a not entirely dissimilar argument that I have 'won' against my dad (a Christian who means well and only wants to help, btw).<br><br>
"The reason your Kids have problems is that you have dont have God in your life son"<br><br>
"Do you have God in your life Dad?"<br><br>
"You know I do Son"<br><br>
"Do your kids have problem Dad?"<br><br>
"You know they do Son"<br><br>
"So having God in your life has nothing to do with whether or not your kids have problems then Dad?"<br><br>
Calmly sticking to that, and never deviating or allowing the simple logic in play to be sidetracked, appears to have done the trick in closing that particular peice of nonsense down.<br><br>
I guess the simplified version of that with your mum would go <i>something</i> like this;<br><br>
"You suffer fatigue because you are not eating 'right'."<br><br>
"Did I suffer fatigue when I used to eat 'right' mum?"<br><br>
(I am guessing that she can't deny that?)<br><br>
"Then the cause of my fatigue must be something other than whether or not I am eating 'right' mum?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I can't offer you advice, but I can most definitely tell you that you are NOT alone and I'm dealing with very unsupportive parents as well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,293 Posts
I'm sorry about your mother, but I have to ask... WHAT is naked week?!
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Top