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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
Repeat after me:

"You're a cool person, but I am not interested in any type of relationship right now".

That simple. It will not embarass them, or hurt their feelings. If they DO get hurt, then they probably need to work on their self esteem a bit.

Playing games with them, and leading them on, will hurt them, their dignity and your reputation as nice person.

As for the phone number thing, I used to have the same problem. DO NOT JUST GIVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER AWAY. It's extremely dangerous--did you know that its fairly simple to find your address via your number? Hell, all ya gotta do is punch it into google (like this 555-555-5555) nowadays.

Instead, tell them you'll take their number, or give them an email address.

Of course, the best thing would be to say, "sorry, I don't give out my number, and I'm really not interested in seeing you". Or if you are chicken: "I have a boyfriend. No thanks".

You have got to learn to be assertive.

It is ok to say no. It is even ok if some stupid guy thinks you are a ***** for it.

It is NOT ok for you to be badgered, to compromise your safety, or to be pressured into doing something, whether its giving your phone number or going on a date, you don't want to do.
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by aksjg

No- of course not- chastity belt, turtle neck, couple pairs of long johns, very manly looking pants, .....oh, wait- I live in Alaska- then I would be totally irresistible!!!
Ha ha ha ha!! You're cracking me up! Look out for them squatters, they'll be all over you!


Have you tried reverse psychology? Start calling THEM like every hour and don't forget to mention how you can't wait till you're married and have 6 kids!
 

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Some guys just don't get it. I knwo what you are saying. I have been blunt to the point of bitchyness and some don't get it. I have even lost great friendships bc of it. I met this guy my freshman year if HS and he had a crush on me just about the whole way through hs and I told him i wasn't interested and he seemed cool with it until I started dating his friend (we went to a coule movies thats IT) and him and his friend got into a fight they don't talk anymore and the friend quit talking to me too and my friend didn't talk to me much either, he met a girl bacame engaged I saw him last friday he said he was getting married sat. I was upset about not being invited but I have calemd down and I think I know why now
BOYS BOYSBOYS!! *shakes head in confusment*
 

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If it is someone you are likely to see again, I don't think it is a good idea to include any future possibility disclaimers like "I have a boyfriend" "I don't want to date right now." Someone may interpret those to mean that if they are just persistent, maybe someday you will change your mind. In this case, an, "I'm not interested." is simple and direct, no dilly dallying or ambiguity.

"I'm not interested" is also best for random guys in bars, but if you can't be that direct, a more ambiguous response is OK. But remember, if you then go up to some guy you do like after telling the first guy you are not interested in dating right now, are a lesbian, or have a boyfriend, the first guy may confront you.

When I do something with a new male friend that I am not interested in, I do make sure to say something like, "This will be a nice, platonic get together." or the stronger, "Just so we are on the same page, and not that I think that you think this, but this is not a date."

After that, any misconceptions they have are their own fault. (unless you are totally flirty and all over them).

One night I was in a bar (and I hate bars) and my friend and I were talking to these two guys. I made sure not to smile or flirt, but I knew the one guy was going to ask for my number. I just said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested, but thank you." He then said as I was leaving and my friend offered to walk me to my car, "But can I at least walk you to your car instead?" My friend piped in and said, "It's you I'm trying to protect her from!" Which is true, what is the point in letting someone you just met walk you to your car????
 

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Quote:
If it is someone you are likely to see again, I don't think it is a good idea to include any future possibility disclaimers like "I have a boyfriend" "I don't want to date right now." Someone may interpret those to mean that if they are just persistent, maybe someday you will change your mind.
Agreed. There is a scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carey asks this lady what the chances are of them getting together. He says "1 in 100?" and she says "More like one in a million". He looks disappointed, then gets a big smile, and says "So what you're saying is there's a chance." That's how guys think.
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
Yeah!! Never , EVER say 'not right now'..because it can be seen as a sign that the guy should be patient and wait for the right time.
 

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"Often this leads to guys feeling lead on -or, if I do hang out with them, they assume we are in a relationship. "

"What to do? Anyone else too chicken (or too nice) to tell guys(or gals) to back off and that you are not interested in them that way?"

I think what you do, say, depends upon how they communicate that they want to be in a relationship. You phrase it relative to the way they phrased it.

I like Lucycat's approach: Man: can I have your phone number? Lucycat: No.

If you are interested in a man, and you hint about it to him, and he's not interested in you -- how would you prefer that he inform you of that?

Personally, I don't think the "not right now" response is a bad idea. It depends on how you pronounce it. One of my favorite line to women who want ask me on a date, but whom I don't want to go on a date with is "maybe some other time," it's all in the subtlety of tone. You spit it out kind of fast. You hear "want to go get a hamburger?" You respond, kind of rapidfire: "uh, maybe some other time." Gal: "want to go to the race track?" me: "uh, maybe some other time." I can't describe the tone; you have to hear it. But everyone seems to understand it. It isn't even necessary for me to roll my eyes or anything.

A nice trick if, after you are blunt, you still get requests for dates, is to say call me at [a specific date and time] and make sure you are ready at that time, to remember not to answer the phone at that time. You may have to do this a couple of times, until it becomes clear that you are forgetting on purpose, to "be home" at the appoitned time (acutally, you use your answering machines call-screening feature to pretend you aren't home."
 

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The "don't call me I'll call you" tactic seems to work pretty well. Someone asks for you phone number, you say "gimme your number, I'll call you."

If awhile later you hear, "you said yo were gonna call but you didn't" you say "I know; don't worry; I'll call be calling you soon. What's your phone number again?"

If later you hear "you didn't call me yet; do you still have my phone number" you can say: "umm, no, but don't worry, i'll get it from you when I call you."
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
See, I can't lie. I'm glad I can't, but that rules out everything but the truth- "I am not attracted to you....at all"- "I think you are a nice person and I'd love to have you as my friend, but there is no frickin' way I will ever want to be with you in that way-"

I just can't bring myself to say it. If I tried to say, "I'm not interested in dating right now", (I live in a place where everyone knows everyone- especially in my social circle - which is large)- They would soon see that I am going out with someone they know. Also, I like to flirt (I'm always having to deal with pissed off/hurt guy friends who just saw me dancing with someone or sitting with them)...It sucks..." Who was that? You aren't like interested in him are you?" "Do you even KNOW that guy???" Boo hoo hoo.

ANyhow- I've got to try something new. I guess I always figure that I can put them off for a while and eventually they will figure it out or get bored with it and i will still be their friend.... Doesn't work.

Terrafae- that actually sounds like it would work. However, with everyone knowing everyone in this frickin' town, It would take all of 2 days for me to get the reputation of being a stalker...hehehe. Guys would shudder as I approach.

I just hate hurting people's feelings or making them feel rejected (I hate, absolutely am terrfied of rejection)-

So, I just try to put it off and put it off. If they call me and ask me to do something specific, I just tell them I have to see how the day goes or if I have a sitter (which I live with my mom, so I always do)...that I will let them know later.... Then (and I know this is horrible) I don't take the call or if I answer not knowing it is them, I just say I can't go.

Gosh....I have to come up with a way to do this. There are three guys who all know each other out there who are interested in me and keep asking me out and calling, and I like them alot (as friends), but I actually like one of their friends....

Maybe I should start asking them questions about their friend....? Then they will figure out that I am into him and let go...?
 

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This probably won't help much...

I vowed that the next time a guy professed interest in me and I didn't reciprocate that I would stop the friendship. Because of my past experiences. I have had the misfortune of having two really good friends being infatuated with me. The first was while I was with a boyfriend where we had (at first) a quite casual relationship. This guy was very interested and knew I had a casual boyfriend. At a party one night things got a little heated. Didn't go very far but I said to him that was the furthest it would ever go. Spoke to my casual bf, he was upset, so we decided to make it exclusive so neither of us got hurt again. Told this guy, definitely no more. He said, "Fine, but I still want to be friends". I was cool with that because I did get along with him, just never wanted to go out with him. So I thought that everything was hunky dory. Anyway, my bf and I split up. And there he was just waiting. Didn't say anything about being interested but he still was. Anyway he introduced me to his friend, who I immediately set my sights on (I want HIM!) So we got together and this guy was really pissed off. I don't know how many times I told him "never happen" but he never gave up hope. When this bf dumped me he tried to cozy in AGAIN! I was in a bad place so I let him be there for me (as a friend I though, god I was stupid). Then I met my fiance. He must've finally realised, because he publicly bad-mouthed me. So much spite! It really upset me as I had no idea where it came from, because I had been up front with him about no chance, and he had always said he was cool with being friends. You think I would've learnt my lesson.

Number 2 was a guy I met when I got a new job. He seemed really really cool. But I was getting "the vibes" off him. I was with my fiance, and told him I thought this guy was interested. He thought I was paranoid. Anyway for my birthday I got a card from him with a message that was undeniably expressing interest. He also wanted to take me somewhere. Weirdly enough, my bf said "yeah, definitely, go" becauase he knew nothing would happen. Anyway so this guy told me he was interested and I said "NO" but I made the mistake of saying "I have a bf". The problem with this guy was that I was really attracted to his soul, but would never go out with him as we were from different worlds, and wanted different things. I honestly thought he was a soul-friend. So I didn't want to lose that. But he kept trying and trying (under the guise of "just friends") until he too finally realised there was nothing (after I took the drastic measure of ignoring him for a few weeks because I was getting seriously worried after he said something about kidnapping me.) Once again, I was abused even worse than the first time (via email, not so public). He actually apologised for it, unlike the first guy who acts now like nothing ever happened (and, by the way, considereds me an ex-gf, even though we never went out! ARGH!) But the damage was done and I don't trust either of them anymore. They both found gfs but it's interesting how the gf of the first guy came up to me after they had broken up and said "I'm sorry, I now understand".

Moral of the story. Never buy that "I'm cool with being friends" crap. It's a lie. Even if you tell them 60 times you're not interested

and there's no chance, they will not hear it. If a guy says he's interested and you know that it will never be, then cut him loose. I have been burnt pretty badly by those two and will never again be friends with a guy who is openly interested in me. Too much pain on both sides. Please don't fall into that trap! There are definitely things I could have done or not done but I've learned from my mistakes, and even though I hate hurting people I just will think back to those guys and find my resolve. I don't consider being friends with a guy "leading him on". I think if a guy says that he's okay with just being friends then he is being deceitful if he still harbours ambitions of more. That sort of deceit is okay except when they turn around and blame you for everything at the end, for their own self-deception. Don't take it at face value. Ever. Don't put yourself in that situation. Even if it's their problem not yours it will become your problem. I think it's pretty obvious how I feel about this... LOL
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by shewolf

Never buy that "I'm cool with being friends" crap. It's a lie.
I say that all the time. But I add "For the present." to the end (just to let them know I may fall for them).

Well, I used to, when I had real-life female friends. Distances and my lack of money ensure females I become friends with online are safe.

But (more) seriously, I once asked a female friend out (meaning just two friends going out; we'd always been in a group), but then guys I knew carried on about it and she cancelled it (men suck). So then I finally cornered, err, I mean managed to be talking to her alone where she told me there'd never be a chance between us and I was thankful that she said so (until I was alone and wept as I pulled my hair out) because I was confused and needed to be told straight.

Okay, I never wept nor pulled my hair out. At least that time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Oh, and it is always worse, when someone says 'I'm not looking for a relationship', and then they start dating someone. Much better for them to just say 'I'm just not interested in dating YOU'
 

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A while ago there was a friend of mine who thought he was in love with me for a good long time (somewhere in the vicinity of 2-4 years), even while I was dating a friend of his, long-term. I found out about it later after I broke up with my ex, and I rebounded with my friend... ginormous mistake. I'm never *ever* doing that again. I really thought I liked him, but when it happened, I knew I was wrong
... and when we both found out I wasn't into it, he was really hurt and I was really embarrassed and feeling terrible. Long story short, now he intensely dislikes me and is telling all manner of people private things about me. Good friend, huh?

So, although it may not be necessary, let him know now so he can totally get over you and in the event you ever break up with somebody and he's there, it'll be far less likely that you'll rebound with him. It could happen!
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
AH- after all this, I saw the person I originally posted this about last night. I yapped and yapped about the veg organization myself and others are developing- he had great ideas, wants to help (hang up posters, spread the word, donate his musical talents to events, host events at his great pad, etc.). I really enjoyed talking to him and I thought, what a great friend to have. Then, he asked me to meet with him today for coffee (this was last night) after my yoga. ALthough my little voice was saying "NO NO"- I said, well- uh...give me a call around two and I'll see if I can squeeze it in. I just happened to be with one of my best friends (who has also admitted to being "infatuated" with me for years).

On our way out , the guy, who was behind a drum set on stage with other musicians I know and a room full of people I know, yells out, "I'll see you tomorrow dear!"- Of course my other friend was immediately like, "WHy did he say that??? Do you have plans with him? Well why would he say he'd see you tomorrow???" *exasperated sigh*

So, I was actually not feeling uncomfortable having coffee with him, I figured I would just yap about veg. society and keep the conversation friendly- I thought it would also be an opportunity to try out some of the ideas I got from here- in a good environment. I woke up this morning late, had to run to my office for a staff meeting, and ended up leaving my cell phone at home. I barely made it to yoga. I got back to work and had a message from him on my work number (which I didn't provide, he must have looked it up)- he says, "Just calling to say hi and let you know I look forward to seeing you over there"- (he has asked what my favorite coffee place was.)- I had no way to call him back- he doesn;t have a cell phone. So, I figured I would call him later and explain. The, I got home grabbed my cell and had like 14 missed calls and two messages from him, letting me know again that he would be there at 2 and would just wait for me, in case I am running behind. Hmmmm.... I haven't called and I kinda don't want to now. SHould I? I would like to be his friend...

Thoughts!?
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
i did that once to a big crazy skin-head type guy.

he decided to kill said "name off the top of my head".

tell the truth.
 
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