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Yeah, my attitudes have changed enormously through life. When young, I was celibate because I was a Christian who took the traditional views very seriously. Now I am much much more open minded, but in a commited monogamous relationship probably for the rest of my life, so, no real-life additional experiences for me, only fantasy. Ah well, in the next life I plan to be a libertine.
 

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I have just realized that I have been sexually active for 30.5 years! That seems like a very long time...and it makes you wonder, how many times?!?!?

I don't think that my attitude about sex has changed very much over time - fortunately I've had an active and healthy sex life from the beginning. I vaguely remember other sex partners than my DH, but he's been the only one for 26 years. I am happy to say that monogamy can be enormously satisfying and I highly recommend it. IMO long-term exclusive partnership brings a solidity and a degree of trust to a relationship that would be hard to duplicate.
 

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Quote:
DENVER - A gay man and admitted male escort claims he has had an ongoing sexual relationship with a well-known Evangelical pastor from Colorado Springs.

Haggard is married with five children and an outspoken critic of gay marriage.

Jones broke his silence Wednesday morning on talk radio.
http://houseoflabor.tpmcafe.com/blog...eacons_clothes

Church Leader Says Haggard Admits To Some Indiscretions

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A sudden about-face in the scandal facing New Life Church's pastor.

After Pastor Ted Haggard went public Wednesday night denying allegations of a homosexual affair, senior church officials told KKTV 11News Thursday evening, Pastor Ted Haggard has admitted to some of the claims made by a former male escort. The church's Acting Senior Pastor, Ross Parsley, tells KKTV 11 News that Pastor Haggard has admitted to some of the indiscretions claimed by Mike Jones, but not all of them.
http://www.kktv.com/news/headlines/4557411.html

To quote myself earlier in this thread:

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The reality of sexuality, it seems to me, is that it is an aspect of the human personality. And the human personality is often afflicted with mental and psychiatric disorders. Sexuality often manifests itself as subject to such disorders--emerging diseased, distorted and perverted.
(Emphasis added.)

Let me add, for the dumbbells, that I am not here condemning gay sex. I am condemning the hypocrisy of publicly homophobic preachers secretly engaging in homosexual behavior with a prostitute.
 

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Joe, I heard about this on the radio this morning, and even though I was half-awake, it bothered me. Homophobes who are closet (ACTING) homosexuals themselves are as pathetic as those who run around on their spouses while preaching family values or beg others to give to the needy while putting in nothing from their own wallets.

VBers would be shouting bloody murder, too, if a prominant vegan speaker snuck into slaughterhouses at night to chow on fresh steak.
 

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I come from a background where sexually was openly discussed.

When I was younger, I had assumed that it was something that came on later. Then I got busy in careering and college and I didn't think about it much.

At a certain point, I realized OK it's NOT going to come, because I'm an asexual. For better or worse, it's who I am.

My current attitude is I sometimes wish I wasn't asexual because I know I'm missing out on a common and pleasent bonding experience.

Being asexual makes you realize you are very different from other people and in fact an unnatural animal because all normal animals have sex drives. I like to think us asexuals are like colony animals who don't reproduce.

Then again it sure is convient to live without these urges.

I've spoken with people who have them and can't have them satisfied and it seems hard to live with. It becomes another desire that can't be fullfilled and it adds to frustration levels.

Given my high levels of frustration I already have by being denied my current needs, I figured I don't need more of that.

Learning that people who are sexually active need loads more pap swears suddenly made me very happy to be asexual over the thought of ever having another pap swear.
 

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I've started to answer this question on three different occasions and have stopped trying each time because my answer doesn't seem to adequately express what I want to say. I've written way too much sometimes, so I'll try to give my answer in a nutshell.

Over time sex has become less important in my life. I've been sexually aware since I was 12 and have had what I consider to be a high sex drive throughout my life.

From 12 to 21 (when I lost my virginity) I desperately wanted sex. From 21 on I've had dry spells and times of plenty. I've been desperate at times, but it's gotten easier to weather the dry spells.

I think that sex can be many different things even within a relationship. It can be anything from simply physical to highly spiritual. I pretty much like the full range.

I choose to be monogamous because I've promised that to my wife and I'm at peace with that decision. I do wish that I wasn't monogamous, but its not in the cards. I've known that my ideal relationship would be non-monogamous since my early 20's, but didn't know that one could actually live that way and be in a long term relationship until well after I was married.

Even if I weren't monogamous, I'm not sure how successful I'd be at having multiple sexual relationships. I don't meet people easily and have never had an easy time establishing a sexual relationship.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eclipse View Post

I come from a background where sexually was openly discussed.

When I was younger, I had assumed that it was something that came on later. Then I got busy in careering and college and I didn't think about it much.

At a certain point, I realized OK it's NOT going to come, because I'm an asexual. For better or worse, it's who I am.

My current attitude is I sometimes wish I wasn't asexual because I know I'm missing out on a common and pleasent bonding experience.

Being asexual makes you realize you are very different from other people and in fact an unnatural animal because all normal animals have sex drives. I like to think us asexuals are like colony animals who don't reproduce.

Then again it sure is convient to live without these urges.

I've spoken with people who have them and can't have them satisfied and it seems hard to live with. It becomes another desire that can't be fullfilled and it adds to frustration levels.

Given my high levels of frustration I already have by being denied my current needs, I figured I don't need more of that.

Learning that people who are sexually active need loads more pap swears suddenly made me very happy to be asexual over the thought of ever having another pap swear.
I have a relative who seems to be asexual. She has little-to-no interest in romance or sexual intimacy, but she loves kids and wants to be a mom. She'd like to have a man around to support her in her role as a full-time mom, but it appears she could do just fine without any sex.

Out of curiousity, eclipse, how far does your asexuality extend? I've known some asexual people who very much enjoy other parts of physical intimacy, like kissing, massages, and embraces, but they just didn't get into sex. Others just don't have a need for physical closeness at all.
 

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Asexuality does not nessesarly mean a person doesn't like intimacy.

Some asexuals are like that, others are not. There are even asexual marriages.

Now for me, I'm ok with all kinds of touching and intimacy and do miss it sometimes. For me the only things holding me back are trust issues and the fact that I'm generally too busy with other things to fullfil this.

My need for self enpowerment and having a sucessful career are stronger then my need to get a relationship.

I never did make friends easily and having one of these few friends screw me after a few years of fake friendship just put something in me.

The they were just pretending to be my friend for an ugly agenda just cut me really deep. Maybe if I had more friends to begin with and hadn't been spending most of my time with them, it wouldn't have hurt so much.

Then my mom told me something I never forgot, she explained in so many words how much of a worthless person I was and how nobody without an agenda would ever want to be my friend.

Assuming my need for a successful career is taken care of, I'd have to put a major effort into it.

Aside from my trust issues and poor people judgment, how am I ever going to find a vegetarian, asexual, atheist who will enjoy some outdoor outtings and for lack of better words enjoy fantasy oriented themes.

SO I think I'm pretty much screwed in the relationship department, unless I go to meanlingless cuddling (AKA the asexual version of having a prostitute).
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eclipse View Post

Then my mom told me something I never forgot, she explained in so many words how much of a worthless person I was and how nobody without an agenda would ever want to be my friend.
Eclipse, I really, really hope there was a misunderstanding. Or perhaps your Mom has issues/problems that made her say something ugly to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry your mother said that to you - she shouldn't have.

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Originally Posted by Eclipse View Post

How am I ever going to find a vegetarian, asexual, atheist who will enjoy some outdoor outtings and for lack of better words enjoy fantasy oriented themes.
On a lighter note - please don't be discouraged - you never know who you're going to meet tomorrow. Really - stranger things have happened.
 

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Awww, Eclipse, I'm very sorry such important people in your life have been so hurtful. They had no place doing that.

On second thought, perhaps you're not asexual per se, maybe it's trust issues that keep your sex drive very small. Both sexuality and asexuality are perfectly legitimate, so please don't hear me wrong. However, in the case of my relative, she's never had such significant situations as you that would cause her not to trust people. All of her life, she's been disinterested in sexual contact. That seems to me as more likely derived from... just being asexual... than people proving themselves untrustworthy. For many people, wanting to be sexual involves trusting their partner. If the trust is not there, it doesn't surprise me sex drive would flag.
 

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I do not mind others speculating upon asexuality. In my case, that is a possiblity, I really don't know since it isn't like I had a sex drive, something bad happened and it went away. I just never had one.

Also, I think the term you are looking for is sexually repressed( I think that's it, I used to be on an asexuality MB a bit) This is when a person thinks they are asexual, something happens and they develop a sex drive. Of course using that reasoning, I suppose every asexual could be considered sexually repressed.
 

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Originally Posted by Eclipse View Post

I really don't know since it isn't like I had a sex drive, something bad happened and it went away. I just never had one.
Ah, this may be the key.

Unless you also happen to have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) which happens when babies do not have the near-constant attention of an adult, usually the mother. They draw away from any kind of closeness later in life. RAD children and RAD adults often have a hard time bonding with anyone, and this is the whole trust thing again.

It may not matter to you, and that's perfectly fine. If you like not having a sex drive, more power to you. Some days, I wish I don't have one, either.
I'm just throwing the RAD idea out there because the topic is interesting to me.
 

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i was always greatly interested in the whole sex thing, from a young age. never acted on it, and didn't date until i was 19. but i was quite curious.

never had the sex chat, and catholic schooling preached the whole sex before marriage bit. but strangely i don't remember having much of an opinion on it since i wasn't dating, i guess.

i think i lost my virginity at age 21. i think....i really don't remember (yes, i was completely sober). it just meant nothing to me. in fact i don't remember having sex with that partner at all. weird. it was completley forgetable i guess, and completley meaningless. meaningless and forgetable to the fact that i don't even consider losing my virginity to that person. (it was NOT a healthy relationship...)

after i got out of that i realized oh what fun sex can be and embraced it with the next guys i dated. i was/am extremely sexual and have an abnormally high sex drive i think.

but then i dated a sexually abusive prick (insert plenty more here)...

after that i used sex to 'get him out' of me physically and emotionally. i thought the more people i had sex with, fooled around with, whatever - the more i would forget what happened and the more he would be erased from my head and my body and memory.

well obviously that doesn't work. (but therapy helps)

surprisingly, i still have a very high sex drive and still get more attached and emotional when sex is involved in a relationship. i actually can't imagine being a relationship without sex.

but it's still difficult on many levels.

i could say much much more but now it's time for bed.
 

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Originally Posted by Thalia View Post

Is there anyone here who has felt or known someone who has ambivalent, or negative, or guilty feelings about sex with a person you respect, but feel ok having sex with someone who is "bad" (i.e. madonna whore complex)? The female version of this might be women who can only be sexually attractive to "bad boys" so to speak, and find men who are kind and respectful unappealling sexually.

There are some people who have difficulting thinking of sex as something you do with someone as opposed to to someone. That sex is inherently an act of a victim and a victimizer. Along with this is a notion (which could be thought of as misogynist) that women don't really enjoy sex, but that they only do it to get something, to hold over men, or because they have low-self esteem.
I wanted to address this to bring up something that was drilled into me when young, but which may be unusual today.

When I was about twelve, my father gave me this "sex talk." He apparently decided to have this talk with me because there was an article in Reader's Digest magazine recommending it.

The talk was mostly filled with religious bombast. Almost every sentence began with "We as Catholics believe ..." blah blah blah. And it was all about how any sex outside of marriage was immoral. Indeed, indulging in any sort of sexuality outside of marriage was immoral, even masturbation or having "bad"/"impure"/erotic thoughts.

But what was perhaps most unusual was his admonition "don't get some girl pregnant and disgrace the family." By this he meant that many/all/most women were dishonest, were eager to "seduce" a man and impregnate themselves thereby, and thus "trap" him into marrying them. Women were portrayed as being completely materialistic, cunning, heartless and deceptive.

I am not sure where he got this idea, or why he propounded it, but that's the way it was.

As time went on, several of the boys in my neighborhood would get their girlfriends pregnant and be obliged to marry them. Each time this happenned, my father would fly into a rage and start ranting and raving. I would be the recipient of such rages, as if I had been involved in the situations.

I'm afraid that the result of all this craziness is a residual mistrust of women in dating or "romantic" situations. While I don't think anyone really wanted to seduce me to "trap" me into marriage, I'm afraid I have found many women to be overly materialistic and less than honest. Many women seem to feel entitled to play all sorts of "games," and I basically have zero patience with this. Many women acted as though "fooling" me or making a fool of me was an end in itself, as if they would win a medal for it or something.

I suppose you could call this the "madonna whore complex," except that the only real madonna was the Virgin Mary, the Mother of Christ. All other women were presumptively whores.
 

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I never for one second thought that I would wait until marriage. I never thought that sex was dirty. At age 8, I knew that most of society's constraints on sexual behavior didn't make sense to me. I don't know why I thought this way, since the only time my mother and I had any sort of sex talk was when she told me that sex was how Magic Johnson got AIDS. But I always marched to a different beat, so whatever.

I have changed in the fact that when I was younger, I thought I was straight, and now I know better! I was also probably more into monogamy when I was younger, because I was more uncertain of myself and jealous - I didn't want to share my partnets with anyone else. Now that I am with a more open person, I can be myself, although we are still technically monogamous at this time. We're working on fixing that, though.
 

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After being in a long term relationship and now being single I am def still finding out what I am and am not comfortable with where sex is concerned. I know I like it..a lot...but I'm still torn between wanting to have it on a regular basis and being patient enough to wait for someone who I have real feelings for and am not just "lusting" after. I know that I get attached to people very quickly. So I do need to be careful about who I get involved with if I don't want to get hurt. As far as my overall view on it though I think if you want it and the person you are with wants it and you are both being honest with eachother then it a perfectly healthy thing in whatever way you choose to do it. I don't think it is dirty and I was not raised to think it was dirty.
 

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Although I haven't been around as long as the rest of you, I'd still like to get my experience out there.

I'm 17 and have been in one relationship, which has lasted for over a year. It's an odd kind of relationship... up until recently, I had spent time with him almost ever day.

When I was younger, I thought that you should only have sex during engagement or marriage... mostly because I couldn't picture doing anything with a man unless we've been together for a long, long time...

After dating for six monthes, we started to become intimate. Before that, he had made no effort that he wanted to become intimate. I was the one who brought it up and after bringing it up a second time, he finally made a move. One reason why I initiated it was because I was getting tired of hiding myself. I wanted to get the feeling up part out of the way because, well, my chest doesn't look like everyone elses... I was tired of hiding it, so I just wanted him to see so he knew.

From that point, things went ever so quickly. I managed to stay a virgin until four monthes ago. I didn't regret anything... I just didn't find any of it that special. One day during the summer, he got carried away and something almost major happened. I went to my parents and got put on the pill, and I bought some condoms incase the time did come. Losing my virginity wasn't anything special... I wanted it to be a little bit special (not something overboard like rose petals and candles... I just wanted the opportunity to make love and then fall asleep with my lover) ... but it didn't happen.

The odd thing is... sex isn't anything special to me... I'm not sure if it ever was, or if it ever will be... sex has been a bit of a burden... because of sex, I've discovered things about my partner that I question... communication is helping it... but now... to me, sex is sex, no regrets... just something that needs to be worked on, if that makes any sense. I want to be able to be thinking the same thing he is thinking while having sex... or vice versa... it's kind of hard when one of us is romantic and the other one is playful.. but I'm still young... things are going to change... I'm being an optimist and hoping for the better I guess
 

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over the last few years i've gone from thinking sex is completely ridiculous and being really scared of it to thinking sex is completely ridiculous and either really amused or really annoyed by it.
 

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I don't think it's a good idea to set one's expectations towards sex on one's first experiences. I know my first sexual experiences weren't that great. I had fun of course, but it wasn't nearly as special as I expected it to be. It wasn't until I was with the fourth woman I had sex with that I started to hit my stride and start to think of sex as fantastic.

I've been with or otherwise known a number of women who weren't especially fond of sex until they found a good partner. I've also been with or otherwise known women who enjoyed sex from their first or time or their first relationship. I'm not sure what the differences were between these women's experiences.

One of them told me that she used to think of sex as an obligatory part of a relationship until one of the men she dated introduced her to more pleasurable sex. From that point on she enjoyed sex and started to be more discerning in her partners.

I had the opportunity to reconnect with the third woman I had sex with after having a number of other partners. She was amazed at what I'd learned and how much more she enjoyed me.

I think the message I hope to convey is that your first sexual experiences might not indicate how you will eventually feel about sex. Give yourself and your partner time to get used to having sex. Work with each other to become better lovers and I think both of you will be rewarded. There are lots of great resources out there for improving your sex life.

On the other hand there are some people who never find sex to be all it's cracked up to be. If you're someone who feels that way, you can find a partner who understands that and loves you as you are. To many people there are more important things in a relationship than the sex. As I wrote earlier in this topic I'm one of those people who's learned that sex is less important to me than I thought it would be.
 
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