How do you deal with your partner constantly drinking?

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Originally Posted by bluesand

Well your partner sounds like he needs serous help . He could be an alcoholic or on the verge of becoming one .

Hope you think of you first , if he wakes you up abuses you and next day cant remember , what else could he do and not remember .

Have you thought of time out away from each other for a while .

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I've been thinking the same thing. It really scared me when he said he couldn't remember! I know he would never physically hurt me but then how do I know that because I thought I knew that he would never wake me up in the middle of the night to have a go at me! It's not like I provoked him if I was asleep!

Time out is a bit hard as we own a house together and I don't really have anywhere else to go (my family are in another country). I have thought about moving into the spare bedroom though. That might give him the shake up he needs. I don't know. I'm finding it very hard to be affectionate or anything with him at the moment. He just sits in front of the tv every weekend and I may as well not even be there. I've been going out and socialising at weekends because there is no point in trying to talk him into doing anything nice. It feels like we're moving further and further apart.

He drinks by himself. It wouldn't be so bad if he had a bunch of mates over or something but he never invites friends to the house and never goes out with any friends. He's fast turning into a bit of a loner. I don't know what is the matter with him. I've tried to get him out of the house and doing things on a weekend but apart from coming to the supermarket with me he doesn't want to do anything else. He was doing ninja classes on the weekend for a while but he seems to have stopped that now as well. I just don't know what is up with him!

I've tried to compromise with him re drinking and he has said a few times that he won't drink during the week, then it turns into he won't drink beer during the week (meaning he still drinks whisky), then it turns into drinking every day again eventually.

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Originally Posted by SupersonicSheep

I've been thinking the same thing. It really scared me when he said he couldn't remember! I know he would never physically hurt me but then how do I know that because I thought I knew that he would never wake me up in the middle of the night to have a go at me! It's not like I provoked him if I was asleep!

Time out is a bit hard as we own a house together and I don't really have anywhere else to go (my family are in another country). I have thought about moving into the spare bedroom though. That might give him the shake up he needs. I don't know. I'm finding it very hard to be affectionate or anything with him at the moment. He just sits in front of the tv every weekend and I may as well not even be there. because there is no point in trying to talk him into doing anything nice. It feels like we're moving further and further apart.

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Well is there any way you can get him into counseling partner services on the pretext that there is a problem in your relationship just to get him there to open up and admit that he has a problem and go from there .

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I have thought about moving into the spare bedroom though.

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sounds a good idea

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I've been going out and socialising at weekends

Is there a friends place you can stay at , even for a weekend .

I don't feel its out of line to talk with his parents. You might also think about calling his doctor, and his religious leader, and letting them know about the situation. Or you could call yours. They usually know about problem drinking, and could help.

Are there any support groups in your area for people who live with problem drinkers? They can help a lot with what helped them and what didn't. And sometimes it helps just knowing you're not the only one going through this.

I wouldn't talk to him about his drinking, unless he wants to talk about it. He's not going to change unless he wants to, no matter how reasonable and logical (and sweet) your part of the conversation is. You don't drive him to drink. Its his excuse to drink.

I agree with sybaritik, you should leave the relationship. Sometimes, it takes a crisis before a drinker will realize there really is a problem.

People with addictions are very hard to deal with. It's a great idea to look for support groups, in the US we have Al-Anon and they are really great for support. They do have a listing of international sites here It's also a good idea to talk to anyone else he is close to. My roommate now is an alcoholic, and I didn't have any idea for a long time. My bf and I used to always make plans to hang out with her at the bar. One of her friends explained that her drinking was a big problem and then we were able to say that we would only hang out when she was sober.

It seems that she is actually getting better now - My bf and I had a long discussion about what date was reasonable to kick her out by, what we would do if she refuses to leave, and what we can do for her dog. She was sitting in the hall the whole time, and she hasn't come home drunk since and has started working again.

I care about her, but I imagine it is a lot harder to deal with a bf who you planned on having a future with.

Anyway, I also wanted to say that you should not feel like you have to leave your own house! He's screwing up, and he needs to go if he drinks. Sometimes being strong like that is hard (especially when you are actually the weaker gender, but I would borrow some friends or even call the cops if you need help.

It is hard but it is helpful to stay as calm and logical as possible. You shouldn't come off as if you are punishing him, but that he is simply bringing consequences on himself. One we used- is that our roommate used to come home late and drunk on weeknights and would wake us up. We said that we were going to start locking the doors to the house at 10 pm. If she was going to be later she had to call and let us know, if she called us drunk, we would lock her out. Any alcohol we found in the house was hidden. We made sure everything we did was to protect ourselves rather than to punish her. Let him bring the consequences on himself - the toughest part is actually following through. I felt really mean some nights when it was freezing outside and she slept in her car, but pretty much it had to get to the point where continuing to drink was more painful than getting better.

Good luck and be safe and strong

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How do I stop this? He's slowly killing himself with the amount that he drinks. He's putting on more and more weight and doesn't seem to want to do anything about it, never mind the damage he's probably doing to his liver. I've tried to talk to him about it loads of times but I get nowhere as he just gets really defensive and angry. Part of me is wondering whether I'm better off breaking up with him. How could I marry and have kids with this guy? I don't want to waste my life with him if he's never going to change.

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first thing to know: you can't fix or change him or get him to stop. you could do absolutely anything you can think of (threat, plead, leave, hide drink, take keys, take his money, video tape him drunk and show him when he's sober, etc etc etc), and it won't stop him. he'll only stop when he's ready to stop (honestly, i don't think he's ready enough right now from what you've said- addicts don't often stop until they get desperate and their world falls to bits around their ears, and often not even then). you can help you though- learn and understand whats going on, talk to people who are going through, or who have been through the same thing.

you need to go to al-anon. go 6 times before you decide if its right for you or not, go to a few different meetings if you hate the first one after a few weeks. some people don't feel entirely comfortable at al-alon when they first go, not because its a bad place- quite the opposite, but because its new, and there is a fair bit to get your head around when you're already feeling a bit frazzled. its seriously worth pushing yourself to go through those first few meetings though, cos it can change your life. you can find a local contact through their service number in the phone book, or find your nearest meeting online. if you don't feel like going to a meeting right away, you can talk to someone on the phone for a bit first.

if you go to al-alon, one way or another things will change, because you'll change in subtle and not so subtle ways- you'll have new information, a little more insight, and a backup system. you might decide to leave. i know i personally would- i've been through living with an alcoholic once, and would never do it again, lol- once is plenty for me thanks. if you do decide to go, you'll have help and support from the group and their contacts. you might decide to stay for a while, stick it out, and work towards change if your partner commits to it (if he goes to AA, or gets into a program, for example), if so, you'll have help and support as you go through that too.

Yeah, drinking problem. However, al-anon isn't for everyone. My boyfriend does drink a bit much, and he wouldn't ever go to those sort of meetings. He's very shy. Here's what has worked for us.

I told him completely honestly how I felt. I didn't get mad, I just told him it concerns me, and I care about his health and our happiness, and it would make me happy if he cut back on the drinking a bit. He does try hard to make me happy, and I think he viewed that as another opportunity, so he has cut back. Positive reinforcement. Don't nag or threaten. I also said that I am not his mother, I am his partner, and this is his decision, but that he did need to know how it impacted me, and how much I would appreciate if he cut back a bit.

You need to make it about you and not about him. No one likes to be scolded or threatened or mothered. When he's sober, praise him for sobriety. When he's drunk avoid him. Goodluck with this. It might not be too late and he might be able to cut back himself, and realize what he needs to do. Somepeople can never stop. Be prepared for both <3