VeggieBoards banner
21 - 40 of 46 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
Discussion Starter · #21 ·
I have ADHD and have since I was little. Even if he does have it, which it would only be ADD, there is no hyper on his part, I think I would be just as frustrated as understanding if that makes any sense. Understanding because I have it but frustrated because I live with it and still get these things done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,219 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Macylee36</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I know I get on his case a lot but I really don't think I would have to as much if he listened the first time.<br><br>
We have had those talks about who can do what and when we should do the chores, but seriously by the next day for him its as if we never had the conversation in the first place. Things like sweeping the floor, vacuuming, and doing the dishes seriously can't wait.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Honestly you sound like his mom. is it a parent child relationship? because it sounds like it is.<br><br>
who can do what and when sounds a bit nit picky to me too.<br><br>
you really need to just relax a bit on some things. and if he does a chore, dont redo it, even if its not up to your standards, or else he will think he just doesnt do it right so why bother.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,902 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Bonoluvr</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Honestly you sound like his mom. is it a parent child relationship? because it sounds like it is.<br><br>
who can do what and when sounds a bit nit picky to me too.<br><br>
you really need to just relax a bit on some things. and if he does a chore, dont redo it, even if its not up to your standards, or else he will think he just doesnt do it right so why bother.</div>
</div>
<br>
This is a good point. From my experience, it's really easy to fall into the parent-child trap, but at the same time I also understand how it feels to have someone act in that manner, and how it can bring out passive-aggressive behavior in people. With my old SO, I knew that the more I bugged him about something, the more he'd dig in his heels. I had to walk a very fine line.<br><br><br><br>
I understand that POV, though, because I really dislike anything that makes me feel like the other person is being bossy with me or thinking they know better. I only like to respond to requests, not demands. And if I am threatened in any way, (like if someone says, "And if you don't do it, well then....")I get resentful very fast.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,660 Posts
As a person who has never been married, I am of course supremely qualified to give you marital advice. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/laugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":lol:"><br><br><br><br>
I don't have any magical answers for you, but I do have some observations and some questions.<br><br><br><br>
First, what is your religious background? What is Shane's religious background? What does your religion teach about (what is sometimes called) the doctrine of mutual aid or mutual help? Mutual help as in the "help mate" or "help meet" doctrine of Genesis 2:18. In the religion I was brought up in, the wife was supposed to be the "help mate" of the husband, and the husband was supposed to be the "help mate" of the wife. It was in this moral context of mutual help and mutual support that children were to be raised--see the verse about be fruitful and multiply. When it comes to children, they are taught the commandment, "Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother." And what does that mean? To obey. And what does that mean?<br><br>
To do what one is asked. And what is one most often asked to do? To help!<br><br>
So the family is all about mutual help and mutual aid.<br><br><br><br>
I can also say that, as best I can recall, when I was growing up my parents not only preached these precepts, they practiced them. I don't recall a single instance in which one of my parents asked the other for help and was refused. Not only did this not happen, it was "unthinkable."<br><br><br><br>
You say you don't know how to "get through" to your husband. Easy. <b>GUILT!</b> Preach it, Sister! Your husband is violating God's commandment. He is failing to be a "help meet" to you. He is setting a bad example for your son. He is endangering your son's physical and moral well-being. He is sowing the seeds of the destruction of your marriage.<br><br>
Yada yada yada.<br><br><br><br>
Now, if you are going to tell me that this teaching about mutual help somehow got omitted from Shane's and/or your religious background, or if your religion teaches something else, then this is not going to work for you.<br><br><br><br>
Second, what kind of job does Shane have? It's hard for me to imagine that he can go to work in slovenly or unclean clothes, so there is some sort of "disconnect" here that I do not understand.<br><br><br><br>
Third, unfortunately, there's probably not a lot you can do to get Shane to "listen" that won't risk some sort of retaliation and in turn set up a downward cycle that would be destructive of your marriage.<br><br><br><br>
Fourth, one thing that you can try is to use your computer to make up a form with all these chores and problems listed and use the form to "grade" your husband periodically, say, weekly. Keep track of these "report cards" to track your husband's progress. When he says he can never do anything right, dig out your file of report cards and point out to him the occasions he did do this or that right. Use gold or silver stars for good work, and all the other stuff teachers use. Your husband is acting like a child, and forcing you into the role of adult/his parent/his teacher.<br><br><br><br>
Fifth, I am curious about Shane's relationship to his mother, and whether he was brought up to act this way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
Discussion Starter · #25 ·
Sorry when I said "who can do what and when". I didn't realize it came out that way. I was referring to chores and how we could sit down and talk about days we "should" do them and which ones we would do. I am not trying to be his boss. It certainly isn't a parent child relationship...heck he's 9 years older than me! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,063 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Life2k</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
He's not disrespectful. He is just an incurable "that will do" person who came from a "that will do" family.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
If your life partner sits you down and tries to explain that your lack of contribution to the household chores is driving them nuts and you then make no attempts to remedy the situation that <i>is</i> being disrespectful. He's sending the message to Maceylee that her feelings of frustration are not important enough to him for him to change his ways.<br><br><br><br>
And he may have come from a 'that will do' family but he's not in that situation anymore, he's in a marriage/partnership and it's unfair of him to be treating his wife like the hired help.<br><br><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Joe</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Your husband is acting like a child, and forcing you into the role of adult/his parent/his teacher.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I agree he is acting like a child. He needs to grow up and get his act together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
912 Posts
Hoodedclawjen said pretty much what I thought I'd say. Pick your battles, do something about the knives first, and apparently the idea of only washing clothes in the hamper is pretty popular. One of my co-workers told me a hilarious story about her DH complaining about having no clean clothes. She looked in the laundry hamper and said, "But honey, I cleaned all the clothes in the hamper. See? Nothing there!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
854 Posts
Last summer, there was GREAT column in the <i>New York Times</i> regarding how the columnist, who was researching exotic animal behaviors for a book, began applying what she was learning about animal training--reward behavior you like and ignore behavior you don't--to her husband.<br><br><br><br>
Excerpt:<br><br><i>After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by<br><br>
nagging. The same goes for the American husband.<br><br><br><br>
Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into<br><br>
the hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step<br><br>
over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I<br><br>
did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my<br><br>
appreciation, the piles became smaller.</i><br><br><br><br>
I can't post the entire article, for copyright reasons, but it appeared in the June 25, 2006 NY Times if you want to look it up in their online archives. The title is "Modern Love: What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage."<br><br><br><br>
I thought it was an interesting read! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
74 Posts
Greenheart, you have it right. Sweet talking and kisses and ignoring all but the most awful offences goes further than anything else. Although, you might bet a knife magnet and put it on the wall close to where he tends to use knives. Sometimes folks will do things if you make it easier for them.<br><br><br><br>
And why the heck are you doing his wash anyway? If you're busy with the kid and housework, (I don't know if you work too) maybe he should be doing his own wash. Sometimes the best way to make someone appreciate the services you are offering is to slow down or stop those services.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
820 Posts
My husband and I had problems with division of housework early in our marriage. He used to get the "I can't do this all by myself" speech all the time.<br><br><br><br>
He has improved a lot, but we have been married 10 years, and it didn't change overnight. He is now really good about washing clothes and folding clothes, but he sucks at putting away clothes. That's okay, I just do most of the put the clothes away part.<br><br><br><br>
One big key, at least for us, is that I DO NOT criticize what he does do around the house. For instance, I do not fold towels and t-shirts the same way he does, but I keep my mouth shut, and I do not do the work over "my" way.<br><br><br><br>
Most of the time, I move the furniture around when vaccuuming (most of our house is Pergo, so if you don't move the sofas, dog hair tumbleweeds will gather). He never moves furniture around when vaccuuming, but he does a great job on the traffic areas, so we just call the times I vaccuum "deep cleaning."<br><br><br><br>
I've had to learn to let a lot of stuff go. No matter what I do to help him get organized, he still leaves stuff laying around, like leaving change on the dresser RIGHT NEXT TO the piggy bank! I deal with it.<br><br><br><br>
You might also want to sit down with your husband and ask him what would help him do to more around the house. A lot of men need to have a list to know what to do. Others like to have a list of specific chores on a checklist on the fridge. Chances are good that he just has no idea what to do and doesn't want ot admit that to you.<br><br><br><br>
Last thing: When he does help out around the house, REWARD HIM. Tell him how much you appreciate it, and show him by cooking something he likes, by letting him choose the TV lineup, by forking over some sex, whatever works best in your family. I kind of had a hard time with this at first, because he shouldn't require a reward for just doing his share, but it's like any other kind of conditioning, if he doesn't subconsciously relate being helpful with something pleasant, he isn't going to be helpful.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,063 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MRSSHF</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Last thing: When he does help out around the house, REWARD HIM. Tell him how much you appreciate it, and show him by cooking something he likes, by letting him choose the TV lineup, by forking over some sex, whatever works best in your family.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Forking over some sex as a reward for housework??!!<br><br><br><br>
Obviously not a feminist then <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,777 Posts
that has nothing to do with feminism.<br><br><br><br>
sybaritik made an excellent post up above - the lifestyle he learned as a child is no longer applicable. He's in a partnership now. Maybe she should just sit down with him and tell him that.<br><br><br><br>
"parent/child" relationship has nothing to do with age - it has to do with the relationship between partners. Are you taking on the role of parent (or "the responsible one" or caretaker), and is your partner taking on the role of child (or, being taken care of)?<br><br><br><br>
And finally, MRSSHF made a really good point:<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><br>
I've had to learn to let a lot of stuff go. No matter what I do to help him get organized, he still leaves stuff laying around, like leaving change on the dresser RIGHT NEXT TO the piggy bank! I deal with it.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
sometimes you just have to deal when people don't do things the way you want them to. It's part of being in a relationship. Certainly, it's likely you do things that bug him but he has learned to deal with them because they're not worth fussing over (to him).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
820 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sybaritik</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Forking over some sex as a reward for housework??!!<br><br><br><br>
Obviously not a feminist then <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D"></div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
LOL!<br><br><br><br>
Seriously, though, sex is more emotional for women than it is for me. A man can be mad at his partner, but he can often have sex with his partner anyway. If a woman is ticked off with her partner, she is not going to want to be intimate. The important point is that women often consciously or subconsiously withhold sex when they are feeling like their partners are not helping out enough around the house. It is important to consciously make sure you don't continue the negative pattern when your partner is making an effort.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
Discussion Starter · #35 ·
lol, not to get too personal but the sex thing wouldn't work. Anyway, the whole laundry thing....like I think I do already give in on a lot of stuff and just try to deal with it. Laundry...even if it does make it into the hamper, the hamper will first fill up, then overflow, and cover my side of the closet preventing me from getting into my drawers. I draw the line here. I usually won't do his laundry but I offer from time to time but I can't handle his mess interfering with my stuff. I am at least trying with my stuff but then he'll let his mess carry over. Same thing with leaving stuff out from the fridge. I am not going to just let it sit out and get ruined because number one its stuff I use too and number two we don't have a lot of money to just keep buying new stuff.<br><br><br><br>
The knife thing he is catching onto. The having a conversation with him bit, I have already said I've tried this several time since we got married and he acts like there was no conversation by the next day. I mean I could be totally upset and crying and by the next day he would act as though he has truly forgotten what happened the day previous. I am more upset about him not seeming to try than I am about the stuff that gets messy or left out. Seriously if he just showed that he listened to me I wouldn't care about the messes he makes. I really wouldn't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,946 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Macylee36</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Ok, I am still kind of newly married I guess. It will be 3 years this coming July. Anyways, even though we've had some time to be married, Shane still does things that drive me up the wall. Lately I have been mean to him and pointing out everything he does wrong because it just keeps happening over and over and over like I never pointed it out in the first place.(he puts the clothes next to the hamper, not in it. He leaves knives close to where little dennis can reach on the counter, he doesn't put stuff back in the fridge that need to be there when no-ones using them. He never helps with the chores unless I ask- then he'll do it a few days later, half-assed and not completely done so I have to go back and do it again) I have tried writing him notes expressing my frustration, I have tried sitting down and talking with him and none of it works. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse trying to get him to carry his weight and not act like a two year old who can't think for himself. I am not the type of person who can just give in and do everything myself. I already do some much around this house and for our little boy AND I'm going to school.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I mean this in the nicest way possible and would want someone to say the same thing to me:<br><br>
stop being his mother and start being his partner, his wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,882 Posts
Everyone has their own opinion about what "clean" means. Maybe he'd be more comfortable in a messier apartment than you? Maybe you can give him a messy corner somewhere?<br><br><br><br>
I grew up with a maid, and I tend to be a little messy. I just don't see that as necessarily "wrong".<br><br><br><br>
Yet, when my bf is over, I keep things cleaner. We both try to meet in the middle.<br><br><br><br>
He likes to wash my dishes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,902 Posts
The OP might want to check out the book "Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. It talks about breaking patterns of overfunctioning and underfunctioning in relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Thalia</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
The OP might want to check out the book "Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner. It talks about breaking patterns of overfunctioning and underfunctioning in relationships.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Im not sure the OP needs to read it, she seems to me like she's functioning pretty normally in the relationship. Maybe she should just give it to her husband to read because he seems like the one with the problem <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,219 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>kali</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Im not sure the OP needs to read it, she seems to me like she's functioning pretty normally in the relationship. Maybe she should just give it to her husband to read because he seems like the one with the problem <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></div>
</div>
<br>
actually she isnt. She needs to bend a little, and i mean this nicely but stop mothering him. like when she says he does a chore "half assed" and she has to redo it......things like that. there are things that people do different. each partner has to bend and compromise a bit in a relationship or it will not work. i have finally after nearly 20 yrs of marriage given up trying to get hubby not to leave his running sneakers all over the place ( he has so many pairs, one for trails, one for street, etc) and it drives me batty, but i just pick them up and throw them in a pile where we keep our shoes.<br><br>
he helps with laundry, and yeah he throws things in together that i wouldnt but the laundry gets done and its clean. so ok.
 
21 - 40 of 46 Posts
Top