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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, I am still kind of newly married I guess. It will be 3 years this coming July. Anyways, even though we've had some time to be married, Shane still does things that drive me up the wall. Lately I have been mean to him and pointing out everything he does wrong because it just keeps happening over and over and over like I never pointed it out in the first place.(he puts the clothes next to the hamper, not in it. He leaves knives close to where little dennis can reach on the counter, he doesn't put stuff back in the fridge that need to be there when no-ones using them. He never helps with the chores unless I ask- then he'll do it a few days later, half-assed and not completely done so I have to go back and do it again) I have tried writing him notes expressing my frustration, I have tried sitting down and talking with him and none of it works. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse trying to get him to carry his weight and not act like a two year old who can't think for himself. I am not the type of person who can just give in and do everything myself. I already do some much around this house and for our little boy AND I'm going to school.<br><br><br><br>
I dunno, I'm just really frustrated and don't want to be mean to him anymore. I know that will just hurt our relationship, but I have no idea how to get through to him. I'm hoping you guys have some ideas.
 
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probably not much help, but for a start, i'd pick your battles. my bf is a work in progress 3 years in, and i have come to accept that he may never master not leaving piles of paperwork around, because its not important to him that they go where I want them to, he doesn't think like me, and he's not naturally tidy. if i want things at my level of tidy, i might just have to tidy them to that level, or leave them there and be annoyed looking at them.<br><br><br><br>
so, you might have to learn to deal with the laundry on the floor, for example. but obviously knives and small children are a danger, and a problem that needs fixing.<br><br><br><br>
i'd pick your priorities, and work on one issue at a time, and master that one, before moving on to the next. sit down, be polite but firm, and tell your man that you're getting to the end of your rope about 'the hamper' or whatever, that you're not there to tidy up after him, and you're just not having it/doing it any more. explain what you'd like to happen, what you'll be doing if it doesn't change, mean it, and don't mention it (or any other faults/annoyances) again for at least a week (cos that'd be nagging and nagging doesn't work).<br><br><br><br>
if he can't use knives and put them away, you could tell him that you're worried about the safety of your child, and that if they don't start going away when people use them, you're buying plastic kiddy-safe knives and locking up the real ones, and not telling him where they are (or throwing them out even) - for your childs safety. and be prepared to do it, and handle a row over it when the plastic knives come out and the real ones disappear.<br><br><br><br>
if you do the laundry- you could try the 'if its not in the hamper, it doesn't get washed' strategy. just leave it on the floor, and only wash the stuff that was IN the hamper. my mum did this with my dad and brother- you'd be suprised how quickly they started to comprehend the principle of putting things IN the hamper once they found that they had nothing to wear a few weeks in a row and that you weren't doing another emergency load just because they couldn't master using a hamper.<br><br><br><br>
same with stuff not going back in the fridge. if stuff sits on the counter- leave it there. it'll go bad. if it goes bad, still leave it there, and don't replace it - let him do it. if he wants to eat it, he'll either get sick, or have to buy more, and that'll be annoying, inconvienient, and costly. yep, you'll not be able to eat it either, but if you want to get your way... you gotta do what you gotta do, hehe.<br><br><br><br>
thats what i'd do, anyway. and if that doesn't work, consider whether accepting the prospect of the annoying (as aposed to dangerous) stuff never changing or improving, means enough that you wouldn't want to live with him any more. if it does, tell him.
 

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Imo, if he respected you at all he'd make some kind of effort to change his ways. It's my guess that he'll probably go on being like he is as long as you stick around.
 

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did you marry my ex? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p"><br><br><br><br>
Go to therapy or get a book on saving your relationship. A LOT of couples go through this very thing, fighting over chores/housework.<br><br><br><br>
Can you hire a maid once a week? (They're typically around $15-$25/hour) I know a couple who did that and their fighting went almost completely away.
 

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You can't expect everyone to share you preference of clean. Some people want everything clean, some people don't mind (or even find it comfortable) for everything to be dirty.<br><br><br><br>
He shouldn't have to move to your level of clean just as you shouldn't have to move to his level of dirty.<br><br><br><br>
If the dirty doesn't bother him, let him have his dirty space. If the dirty bothers you and only you, then it isn't his problem, it is your problem. It is only his problem because you are making it his problem, which I find (as a dirty person) disrespectful.<br><br><br><br>
Knives around children is a different matter entirely and should be treated as a different matter.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">If the dirty doesn't bother him, let him have his dirty space. If the dirty bothers you and only you, then it isn't his problem, it is your problem. It is only his problem because you are making it his problem, which I find (as a dirty person) disrespectful.</div>
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Nah sorry man, that sounds like a convenient out for a lazy person and its not the way to approach problems in a marriage. You should be meeting each other half way. Sounds like this guy isnt even trying.<br><br><br><br>
what Amy said, marriage counselling and then maybe reevaluate.
 

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My husband and I actually set down about a year and a half into our marriage and made a list of all the household chores that need to be done, how often we want them done, and the amount of time per week that those chores take. Then we divied them up - one of us would choose a chore, then the other would choose a chore, etc. until they were all taken. This way neither of us got stuck with a chore that we absolutely HATE to do. This helped quite a lot - my husband then knew what his chores were and how often we planned to get them done, and I didn't have to nag him about it.
 

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Most parts of the house I'm free to clean up as I please. If it's not in his den (or disaster area as I like to think of it), then I pick it up and either throw it out or put it in his den. My husband will help with laundry, take out the trash (but I have to get it ready for him), and will pick up and vaccuum if I ask him to. He cooks about twice a week. For us it works out because he works far more hours than I do out of the house (I work part time and he usually works 50+ hours a week).<br><br><br><br>
What worked for me was making it clear that if he left items out of his personal space, that I would either throw it out or bring it back to his cluttered area. I don't touch anything in his personal space unless it happens to belong to me or our daughter or if it's dirty laundry or dishes. He usually gets the point and picks up after himself or piles up what needs washing so I don't have to hunt around for it. I banned him from doing dishes because he always does a half-assed job and leaves the utensils. I hate washing dishes, but I'd rather have them actually clean than to find a somewhat dirty dish put away in the cabinet like it's clean and have to rewash it before I use it--I am asking for a dishwasher for my birthday because of this, I think. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
The issue with the knives being left out I would definitely not give up on. The safety of your child is very important. I would even go so far as to group it in with the cleaning issue. A dirty and/or cluttered house can be a safety hazard in many ways to a small child.
 

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I agree with Jen on a lot of points.<br><br><br><br>
Especially with the knives, I would just replace them all with plastic, child-safe knives and say, "This is what you get. When you learn to put these away where our <i>son</i> can't get them you can have the other knives back."<br><br><br><br>
Same with the laundry. If I were living with my fiancé and he didn't put his clothes in the designated hamper, I wouldn't wash them. I'd leave them there and wash what was in the hamper. When he complained I'd give him a sarcastic sad face and tell him, "I'll clean your clothes when you put them in the dirty laundry hamper. If it isn't in the hamper, I'm assuming it's clean. If you don't want to use the hamper, then you can do your own laundry."<br><br><br><br>
Stuff not going in the fridge. Hahaha. "Sorry Love, you didn't put the milk away and I'm not getting more until shopping day at the end of this week. You'll have to eat your cereal dry."
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks for all the replies, really. Well, he doesn't have his own space. We live in a small townhome, so nobody gets their own space....except for Dennis. Right now he has his own room. Anyways, if it was just him cluttering his own space, that's one thing, whatever. But after I just cleaned the whole house and vacuumed and swept and all those things- for him to come home and let dennis run around with a crumbly cookie that gets all over the floor, and then not to put away his trash from the freshly cleaned kitchen, and then to leave things out of the fridge that I use more than he does.....yea it tends to get to me.<br><br><br><br>
I won't leave him. That's not an option. I know he loves me and vice versa. It's just figuring out how to get through to him.
 

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Pick your battles.........correct the knife thing for now, and get used to the fact that your house will not be eat off the floor clean with small children around.<br><br>
life is short, play with your baby, worry about a clean house later.<br><br>
and im not talking about letting the house become a pig sty, i just mean your sweep the floor and the baby gets cookie crumbs on it......so what? that is life with a baby..........
 

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So, what kind of knives are these that you can replace them with plastic ones? I was thinking he was leaving around kitchen knives (like paring knives, etc) but those don't come in plastic (except the lettuce ones).<br><br><br><br>
He's leaving around butter knives? If so, what is a kid going to do with a butter knife that he can't do with a spoon or, worse, a pencil? I just think maybe the knife thing isn't really that big a deal, but that you're focusing on it to try to make a point. Which is distracting from your real point.<br><br><br><br>
Your real point is that you feel he doesn't contribute in some way to the relationship and that the current situation is unfair. You need to talk to him about it and seek outside help.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Macylee36</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Thanks for all the replies, really. Well, he doesn't have his own space. We live in a small townhome, so nobody gets their own space....except for Dennis. Right now he has his own room. Anyways, if it was just him cluttering his own space, that's one thing, whatever. But after I just cleaned the whole house and vacuumed and swept and all those things- for him to come home and let dennis run around with a crumbly cookie that gets all over the floor, and then not to put away his trash from the freshly cleaned kitchen, and then to leave things out of the fridge that I use more than he does.....yea it tends to get to me.<br><br><br><br>
I won't leave him. That's not an option. I know he loves me and vice versa. It's just figuring out how to get through to him.</div>
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I would hope you wouldn't leave him over those things. Sure, it is irritating when you have everything clean and then your husband and child come along and mess everything up. Just remember what is important, the love you have for each other and your child. Forget about having a perfect house and learn to live with your husband instead of ruining the best years of your lives trying to get through to him.<br><br><br><br>
The knives are an important safety issue that needs to be resolved, forget about the laundry, clutter and crumbs.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I only made the "leave him" comment because somebody else had said something in that way. And I never said they were knives which could be replaced with plastic. These are steak knives and other big knives. But yea, maybe I should just relax....
 

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ah yeah, it was hoodedclawjen who suggested the plastic knives, my bad.<br><br><br><br>
Clutter, crumbs, dirt, etc can be really irritating so I don't think you should try to force yourself to just "accept" having a dirty house if it bothers you. However, I'm sure there are some things you could compromise on.<br><br><br><br>
Seriously, consider getting a maid (can you afford $30/week?). Do a chores list. And don't let your stress build up as much as it did. When you notice your stress level starting to rise due to chores, talk to your husband about it. Don't just keep your mouth shut and let your resentment fester.<br><br><br><br>
Maybe save housecleaning for twice a week. And when it's time to clean, you both clean for the same amount of time. Let's say 30 minutes. So for 30 minutes, you take two rooms and he takes two rooms. You clean for 30 minutes. When that time is up, you both stop. You could play a CD when you're cleaning. Or turn it into a contest. Maybe who cleans the most in 30 minutes gets to be on top. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p"> I dunno, something that saves your sanity and gets you feeling like he's contributing, without resentment being built up.
 

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Maybe the two of you should sit down together and write out a list of agreed upon household rules, with agreed upon consequences for breaking those rules.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Normally I don't let my frustration fester. I will tell him and he will say I am just nagging him and comes out with the "oh I must never do anything right." I know I get on his case a lot but I really don't think I would have to as much if he listened the first time. We have had those talks about who can do what and when we should do the chores, but seriously by the next day for him its as if we never had the conversation in the first place. Things like sweeping the floor, vacuuming, and doing the dishes seriously can't wait. They need to be done everyday just because they build up so fast and I am normally the one who does them. I wouldn't complain about that except that a lot of the mess I clean up could have been avoided in the first place. I think that is the primary reason I get so upset. It's not that I mind cleaning. What I do mind doing is cleaning up a mess created by someone else that could have been avoided in the first place. Picking up trash he leaves lying around or putting the laundry in the hamper, etc. I think little by little he is listening, like on saturdays he might actually try to help or when he does the dishes he'll scrub them first and then actually try to clean the stove too.<br><br><br><br>
But yea I guess things like laundry and mostly just cleaning upstairs can go once or twice a week. That would really help I think. But we really can't afford a maid service, not right now at least. Maybe in a few years that would be really nice (when there are more kids running around).<br><br><br><br>
lol on the on top comment :)
 

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Tell him if the clothes aren't in the hamper, you are not washing them. Stick by it. He can wash the rest of his clothes. It works. Put up a sign over the washer and dryer with clear instructions on how to use them. I have a set over my washer and dryer that has been there for years now. What is so funny is he does all of his own laundry now.<br><br><br><br>
He's not disrespectful. He is just an incurable "that will do" person who came from a "that will do" family. After 30 years, I still have to negociate on some things. He leaves leftovers in chip bags insted of finishing them or combining them. On day, I opened the pantry and it rained chip bags all down on me. Well, he had at least put them up. I opened them all and combined them into one big bag of bits. I placed the empty bags on the floor flattened out end to end in a trail from the pantry to the garage door where he would come in. He go the message.<br><br><br><br>
I have found dirty underware left in the bathroom and hung them dangling from the ceiling fan in the bedroom. I asked him if he really wanted company seeing his dirty briefs when they had to use the restroom.<br><br><br><br>
As for the knife, I'll pm you.
 

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My ex was so bad at doing laundry that when I stopped doing his once & for all, he actually wore dirty underwear to work a couple of times.<br><br><br><br>
anyway.<br><br><br><br>
Maybe talking about the chores doesn't help. Can you write them down and post them on the fridge or kitchen wall where they're easy to see?
 

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It might be important to really talk and find out if he just doesn't care or if he has trouble doing what you want. He could have adult ADHD. For example, I left some soy hotdogs out the other night. I also leave clothes all over the place. I'm an adult and know these are bad things and I don't want to do them. I get mad when I realize I've done them, but I have ADHD and it makes it really hard to not completely forget to do something. I could be making soy hotdogs, then get totally distracted, let the pot overboil, leave out the hotdogs to go bad, etc. etc.<br><br><br><br>
Housekeeping is a huge challenge. Medicine helps, but I am now reading books with occupational therapy type ideas for strategies to help keep things under control. One thing I want to get is a timer I can wear around my neck to remind me of something in case I get stuck on a tangent in some other room or something. When I'm with other people, that can help to motivate me, but still I know I do things that are very annoying to boyfriends and I warn them and apologize all the time!
 
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