How do I ask to visit my sister but not my brother-in-law?

1425 Views 15 Replies 14 Participants Last post by Kiz, Nov 14, 2007

Skylark

Discussion Starter · Nov 14, 2007

My sister lives in Montana right now with her *gag* husband. They eloped in August, which is the last time I saw her. I'm planning to visit her in December when I'm going to Montana anyway for a friend's wedding. I may not see her again for another six or eight months at the least because I'm leaving the country for awhile.

I love my sister, but I absolutely cannot stand this brother-in-law. I know my sister is taking the day off work so we can do stuff together in the little time I will have there, but I don't know if her husband is also taking off from work. When I talked with her on the phone last night she said "we" will take me to this fantastic Thai restaurant that he really likes. If I could go and not lay eyes on him at all, that would be A-OK with me. The boy drives me nuts. When he was in Ohio, he was busy spreading completely unfounded rumors about me and driving wedges between my sister and everyone in her family. I'm afraid he'll use my visit to try to convince my sister how horrible her family is.

I want to see her badly, 'cause she's my little sister and I love her. How do I ask her, without hurting her feelings, if I could mostly spend time with her and not have him around all the time? She's absolutely smitten with him and gets mad when people say negative things about him. She knows I can't stand him, but I don't bring it up anymore. I'd rather have her feel comfortable talking to me than be mad at me all the time. If she decides she has to escape the relationship, she'll need to have people she can trust.

Now, her husband doesn't particularly care for me, either, but I wouldn't put it past him to try to be around all the time out of possessiveness. (Never mind she was my sister long before she met him, but whatever.)

How do I bring it up, and how do I word it?

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paisleyjane

· #2 · Nov 14, 2007

Are you guys close?

If you are close enough to ask for "Quality time - Just the two of us" without it being weird, then try that. You may have to compromise and spend the day with her alone, but have him along for dinner, or viseversa.

kpickell

· #3 · Nov 14, 2007

I don't know any way you could ask that without offending your sister. I'd say suck it up and make the best of it, and be the better person.

thebelovedtree

· #4 · Nov 14, 2007

I think you'll have to suck it up or risk alienating your sister instead of her hubby.

She's in love, she's not going to want to hear that you don't want to spend time with him, no matter what his flaws.

The "quality time" route might work but I wouldn't try anything stronger.

eggplant

· #5 · Nov 14, 2007

Yeah, the only thing I would suggest is what paisleyjane said. Don't mention him at all, but just say, "I hope we get some time to just talk to each other," or something, but it may not work. I am not overly fond of my sister-in-law (she's moody, tense, sometimes bitchy), but in order to spend time with my brother and my neice and nephew I have to suck it up and endure her. It's not ideal for anyone on our side of the family, but my mom and I have had many talks about how we just have to make the best of it if we want to continue to have a decent relationship with everyone.

mazikeen

· #6 · Nov 14, 2007

I know it's hard, but one suggestion I have is to phrase it in such a way as to make it sound like you might feel uncomfortable being around a newly wed couple all the time, because they could get all cuddly and kissy, etc. I'm saying this because I've been in a situation where I could hardly talk to my friend, as, when she got together with her boyfriend, they were really joined at the hip AND being very intimate in front of me almost constantly. So, my point is to say you deem it will be best to meet with your sister alone, because otherwise you'll feel like you're intruding/feel uncomfortable, rather than say you don't like him at all and don't want to see him. Your sister could appreciate that approach more, and it would take the focus off you not liking the new husband. Just a thought.

bluegold

· #7 · Nov 14, 2007

Its a hard one skylark , even if you could get the mourning with your sister (like you have to /want to go to a womens shop to buy what ever) and meet him latter at lunch .

Skylark

Discussion Starter · #8 · Nov 14, 2007

I know, I'll insist I have to go buy tampons, and I need her advice because I don't know the layout of the store.

Thanks for the advice so far, folks.

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rabid_child

· #9 · Nov 14, 2007

I'd just plan "girlie" activities with her that he won't want to come along with. Get manicures and pedicures or go shopping or something.

Chrysalis

· #10 · Nov 14, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by rabid_child

I'd just plan "girlie" activities with her that he won't want to come along with. Get manicures and pedicures or go shopping or something.

yeah that's a really good idea. like say you look forward to having dinner with them, and you would love to do *girlyactiviity* with her before you two meet up with her husband, and is such and such a place any good? lets go there! then afterwards we can meet up with whats his name for dinner! it's a bit manipulative i guess, but it might work.

thalestral

· #11 · Nov 14, 2007

Yup, I'd plan a girls day out having quality "sister time". That should be innocent enough to go down well enough with your sister. I'm sure she'll still know that you don't want to spend time with her husband, but as it is just for one day it is understandable - even if you liked the guy!

zoebird

· #12 · Nov 14, 2007

i would put it at the PPs said, which is to ask that it be "just the two of us" and some such. dinner with the husband is fine, but the rest of the day should be independent.

my sister and i do this a lot, and my husband doesn't mind because he's not overly fond of my sister. LOL

Byzantea

· #13 · Nov 14, 2007

There's nothing wrong with wanting 1 on 1 time with a family member. Nothing at all. Is some idiot trying to argue that there is?

Hampusen

· #14 · Nov 14, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soy 6-Pack

There's nothing wrong with wanting 1 on 1 time with a family member. Nothing at all. Is some idiot trying to argue that there is?

/agree

I don't see why she would get hurt by it?

Kiz

· #15 · Nov 14, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by kpickell

I don't know any way you could ask that without offending your sister. I'd say suck it up and make the best of it, and be the better person.

What he said. If you love your sister, and truly want to see her, just suck it up. It won't hurt you for one day. Possibly suggest that you want to spend some "quality girl-time alone" or something but don't push it. She love the man, obviously.

Kiz

· #16 · Nov 14, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soy 6-Pack

There's nothing wrong with wanting 1 on 1 time with a family member. Nothing at all. Is some idiot trying to argue that there is?

You sound like a very rude person, Soy-6-pack. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting to spend one-on-one time with a family member. It's just that, quite often, when people are first married or first in love they get all clingy, and want to cart there new lovers everywhere, even to family meeting. Especially since he is now Skylark's family, like it or not.

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