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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just had a horrible fight with my husband. We've been married 8 months. I became vegetarian in january and it hasn't been a problem. We agreed I wouldn't trick him into eating tofu and he wouldn't comment on what I was eating. It's worked well so far. My parents have been very good about it too. Well I hadn't said anything to his parents. They are definitely meat and potato country people. Well he brought it up with them and they seemed fine with it. Today we were going to their place. They were having steak on the bbq and I offered to make a veggie burger. I wasn't going to make a big deal about it. He and his brother joked a bit about the poor soy bean suffering. Then just now, he laid into me about my beliefs about animals suffering and whether the soy bean also suffers. It felt just horrible. I tried to provide arguments for him why we don't need to eat meat but he wouldn't listen. I just left the room in tears. I am so upset.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("> that's sad. especially since he paid it all lip service until he found "strength in numbers" and decided to try and bash you.<br><br><br><br>
i'm sorry that happened.<br><br><br><br>
i wouldn't even discuss vegetarianism with him. instead i'd ask him why he felt the need to try and humiliate you like that in front of his family. that seems like a bigger issue.
 

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Sorry to hear about this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br><br><br>
My (omni) hubby and I had a really bad one last week. It started with him taking a huge bite of kielbasa, and then leaning over to give me an open-mouthed, sloppy, greasy kiss. When I squicked, he said, "Oh, so now you're not going to kiss me because I eat meat?" It just deteriorated from there.<br><br><br><br>
Fortunately, we were able to sort it out later. Will you be able to talk with him about it in a few days?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Well I left the room last night and stayed up for awhile then ignored him when I went back to bed. He didn't say anything either. Then this morning I got up just as he was leaving. He said something about the cat, I agreed but then went into a different room. I didn't feel like upsetting myself even more as I have to go to work later on. I'll let him cool down.<br><br>
His sister-in-law and I were talking yesterday and she was noticing that he was very moody lately. He had been taking an antidepressant before we first met and then went off of it when there were side effects. She thinks that he needs something now and I agree. He is having mood swings and lashing out at me. I was thinking it was my fault until I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday. But we can't figure out how to approach him with the subject. I'm sure he'll get really defensive.
 

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I would just like to say that "squicked" has become my new favourite word.<br><br><br><br>
I say give him a little while, and see what he says. Stick to the 'hurting my feelings' approach rather than the "you should be veg too" one- it'll get you further, and it really what's got you most upset anyway.<br><br><br><br>
Best of luck.
 

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I agree with Kreeli. This seems to be a common theme in all of these threads about needling and teasing. They don't want to "discuss" it, they want to bug you. I am not married, I don't feel I can comment on that part, but as far as people purposefully trying to bother you, I think not engaging them, but saying you do not want to be bothered (or whatever) and or leaving the room is the only way to not escalate the situation.<br><br><br><br>
I wish you good luck. I bet things will iron themselves out, at least to the degree that you can live with it.
 

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"Then just now, he laid into me about my beliefs about animals suffering and whether the soy bean also suffers. It felt just horrible. I tried to provide arguments for him why we don't need to eat meat but he wouldn't listen. I just left the room in tears. I am so upset."<br><br><br><br>
This part isn't very clear. "Laid into you"? I'm not sure exactly what that entailed in this particular instance, therfore I can't say what a good response would be. However the old "soybeans suffer too" argument is so patently silly, that you can assume that people are just joking when they say that, and there is no reason to make a big deal about it. It is worth giving them a slight chuckle at their meager attempt at debate.
 

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Hmmn, I too would like more details about how he "laid into you." I am more concerned about the circumstances. Did this happen in public or in private? At his parents' house or your house or where?<br><br><br><br>
I think a couple should present a united front in public.<br><br><br><br>
I also think--and call this paternalism if you want to--that the man has an obligation to protect his woman from insult. (Good natured teasing is different.)<br><br><br><br>
Having "in-law problems" this early in a relationship is not a good sign. But the usual source is the father- or mother-in law. That the trouble seemed to come from your brother-in-law is pretty unusual, so I really don't know what to say about it. But I think your hubby needs to get his loyalties and priorities straight. "Forsaking all others ..." includes his brother. You should be # 1 on his priority/loyalty list.<br><br><br><br>
Just my 2 cents worth.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by Joe</i><br><br><b>But I think your hubby needs to get his loyalties and priorities straight. "Forsaking all others ..." includes his brother. You should be # 1 on his priority/loyalty list.<br><br><br><br>
Just my 2 cents worth.</b></div>
</div>
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I totally agree. Once you are married, your family is you and your wife. That is now your primary obligation.<br><br><br><br>
And no Joe, I don't think it is paternalistic or sexist to say you should defend your spouse against insults.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
when I said 'he laid into me' I meant that he started criticizing the vegetarian lifestyle and why I would go against eating meat which is 'natural'. He never hurt me physically. This took place in private, not in front on the family.<br><br>
Time has made things a bit better but it's clear we have some talking to do.
 

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"when I said 'he laid into me' I meant that he started criticizing the vegetarian lifestyle and why I would go against eating meat which is 'natural'."<br><br><br><br>
I think you are making too big a deal of the situation then. As long as he didn't personally call you names, say you were stupid, or anything like that, it doesn't seem like a big deal. If long as he criticised vegetarianism and the vegetarian lifestyle, and indicated that he thought it was an unnatural lifestyle, he is entitled to his opinion. If he did it in less than a perfectly tactful or diplomatic way -- let's not make a mountain out of a molehill. Again, as long as he didn't resort to name-calling or personal disparaging characterizations of yourself, I don't think you should make a big deal about it. Esp if, as you say, he avoided doing this in front of others. But yes, the 2 of you ought to talk the situation over.
 

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Hmm, I think the depression could be a major factor here. For the first couple years my husband and I were married we got into horrible vicious fights all the time about the littlest stupid things. Then I had a psychotic breakdown and had to be hospitalized for a week. They put me a few different meds and I tolerated them well so I have been on them since. For all that time I thought that these fights were his fault, but after I went on the meds the fights all but stopped. It was totally shocking. Our marriage is so completely different now. I hate totake prescription meds because I know they were tested on animals, but the difference in my mood and quality of life has been staggering. I had been depressed for solong before that it just seemed normal to me and I didn't even realize I had a problem, even though I had been treated for depression in the past.<br><br><br><br>
P.S. I don't know what meds your husband has tried before but I'm taking Effexor XR in the morning and Visteril and Trazadone before bed. I haven't noticed any side effects like I had with some of the others I tried.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks mosquito for sharing that. I did bring up the topic with him and he didn't think it was necessary. We've also been talking a lot more about vegetarianism, rather than him lecturing me on why it's not good. He has shared his conerns ans asked a lot of questions. I feel better. I know it's going to be a challenging issue in our relationship but atleast now he has some more insight into why I'm doing this.
 

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Yeah, that's really tough. My husband often told me he thought I needed meds before the breakdown and it usually just pissed me off because I felt like he was saying there was something wrong with me (which there was of course but I didn't see it). I'm honestly not sure if there was anything he could have done to convince me by himself. I feel pretty bad for everything I put him through.
 
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