I would simply tell them that you aren't trying to push your beliefs or food on them, so you would appreciate it if they would be courteous enough to return the favor. If it continues I would then tell them that, while you enjoy spending time with them, their continuing to push their values onto you has made dining with them uncomfortable so you a going to no longer dine with them.
Help! Meals with boyfriend's family is hell
Ok, some background: Was vegan for 2 years, met my guy 8 months ago and went vegetarian (reasoning: 50% financial, 50% because vegan freaked him out). So his family is hard core Italian, really fun and sweet and I love being around them except...
meal time is hell for me. I've had probably near 50 meals with his family and the veg thing is brought up every freakin' time. At first it was concern that I was or wasn't satisfied with the food, lighthearted joking, valid questions and minimal discussion. My usual response being to answer questions simply and sit quietly as they continued their discussion.
Even though it wasn't intended negatively, after awhile I was getting frustrated and began to avoid eating with them. Until last night. My guy was already "annoyed" with me since I didn't want to eat lunch with him, his mom even jokingly threatened to hold me down and shove food in my mouth and I got angry and nearly grabbed my things and left. Wish I had.
Dinner took a turn when I was jokingly offered the bar-b-que'd chicken and I politely refused as I always do. "Vegetarians want to save all the animals but they are eating all their food," "I'd rather see chickens in battery cages than pay $5 for a carton of eggs" and on and on it went. His mom even threw in a story about a fur coat she owns and how her minks grew up fat and happy on a farm. All this went on for a good 30 minutes while I kept my mouth shut, eating my potatoes and brussels sprouts, thinking how incredibly rude they were all being and how offended and hurt I was. I refrained from saying a word because when I get angry I get really mean.
I'm lost, I don't know what to do other than refuse to eat with them ever again lol. I could talk to my boyfriend and/or his family but I don't think that it's my place to teach respect to people 2-3 times my age. In addition, I don't want to screw up this relationship just because my feelings are hurt, I also don't want to be the stereotypical veg and respond to them the way they are expecting me to. (Sorry this post was so long, but yeah... so upset)
So now that I've painted the picture, what would you do? What would you definitely not do?
Thanks guys
meal time is hell for me. I've had probably near 50 meals with his family and the veg thing is brought up every freakin' time. At first it was concern that I was or wasn't satisfied with the food, lighthearted joking, valid questions and minimal discussion. My usual response being to answer questions simply and sit quietly as they continued their discussion.
Even though it wasn't intended negatively, after awhile I was getting frustrated and began to avoid eating with them. Until last night. My guy was already "annoyed" with me since I didn't want to eat lunch with him, his mom even jokingly threatened to hold me down and shove food in my mouth and I got angry and nearly grabbed my things and left. Wish I had.
Dinner took a turn when I was jokingly offered the bar-b-que'd chicken and I politely refused as I always do. "Vegetarians want to save all the animals but they are eating all their food," "I'd rather see chickens in battery cages than pay $5 for a carton of eggs" and on and on it went. His mom even threw in a story about a fur coat she owns and how her minks grew up fat and happy on a farm. All this went on for a good 30 minutes while I kept my mouth shut, eating my potatoes and brussels sprouts, thinking how incredibly rude they were all being and how offended and hurt I was. I refrained from saying a word because when I get angry I get really mean.
I'm lost, I don't know what to do other than refuse to eat with them ever again lol. I could talk to my boyfriend and/or his family but I don't think that it's my place to teach respect to people 2-3 times my age. In addition, I don't want to screw up this relationship just because my feelings are hurt, I also don't want to be the stereotypical veg and respond to them the way they are expecting me to. (Sorry this post was so long, but yeah... so upset)
So now that I've painted the picture, what would you do? What would you definitely not do?
Thanks guys
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Take a good look at italian culture and choose your tactic from there.
I havent been 'inside' italian culture much but from what I've observed of italian friends, the default italian personality tends to outwardly be... strongly flavored and proudly self assured. That can get read as arrogant, opinionated, and rude in other cultural contexts. You may just have to make your stand without fighting, or at least not angry-fighting, if you want them to respect your ways and your continuing adherence to your ways.
Granted, individuals vary and I may be way off, point is try to look at it through their cultural lens and find a tactic that will get you respect.
I havent been 'inside' italian culture much but from what I've observed of italian friends, the default italian personality tends to outwardly be... strongly flavored and proudly self assured. That can get read as arrogant, opinionated, and rude in other cultural contexts. You may just have to make your stand without fighting, or at least not angry-fighting, if you want them to respect your ways and your continuing adherence to your ways.
Granted, individuals vary and I may be way off, point is try to look at it through their cultural lens and find a tactic that will get you respect.
Have you tried making them an Italian style vegetarian/vegan dinner?
That was one thing that really got my family off my back. Especially around the holidays when we treat meals like potlucks. I make some of my best dishes and take them. A lot of the time they will not even ask what is in them until after they try it. Then, by the end of the meal, everyone is so pleasantly surprised by the tasty dishes that they can kind of get on board and stop harassing so much about what I choose to put or not to put inside my body
That was one thing that really got my family off my back. Especially around the holidays when we treat meals like potlucks. I make some of my best dishes and take them. A lot of the time they will not even ask what is in them until after they try it. Then, by the end of the meal, everyone is so pleasantly surprised by the tasty dishes that they can kind of get on board and stop harassing so much about what I choose to put or not to put inside my body
Get a better boyfriend.
Actually, yeah... he should be standing up for you. They're his parents, it's more his place to tell them to knock it off.Get a better boyfriend.
If I tried to respond in the heat of the moment I'm pretty sure I would say something I would regret so I think I would have to write them a short note to let them know they are hurting my feelings. You don't have to teach them respect but you should let them know how you feel. They sound like very extroverted self assured people that are use to trading jibes back and forth with like minded people. They just don't realize that some things just aren't funny and can be really hurtful.
Also, I wish your boyfriend was speaking up for you. I would ask him directly why he doesn't defend you in these situations. Maybe, he doesn't know how much you are hurting either, let him know. Holding things in to be polite doesn't work because you can't do it forever.
Also, I wish your boyfriend was speaking up for you. I would ask him directly why he doesn't defend you in these situations. Maybe, he doesn't know how much you are hurting either, let him know. Holding things in to be polite doesn't work because you can't do it forever.
I am an Italian vegan and so many yummy Italian recipes are vegan just leave off the cheese .... broccoli rabe, roasted peppers , pasta fagioli, penne arrabiata, pasta alioli mmmm soooo good and no animals had to die
I broke up with my boyfriend when he never defended me when his father would make fun of veggies .... They should definitely respect your choice and he should back you up! Good luck!
Animals should be loved not eaten !
I broke up with my boyfriend when he never defended me when his father would make fun of veggies .... They should definitely respect your choice and he should back you up! Good luck!
Animals should be loved not eaten !
Honestly, I would just stop eating with them. It is not worth it. Let your boyfriend go to family things alone. They don't really want to help or support you, so you might just want to disappear. Then let your boyfriend explain why and stand up for you.
Go potluck, and bring vegan lasagna, a salad, and a dessert or something like that. Good luck.
Talk with your boyfriend. Ask him what the solution could be.
If you revealing to your partner that your feelings are getting hurt, is going to screw up the relationship....Then don't worry. In that situation your relationship is already screwed up.I'm lost, I don't know what to do other than refuse to eat with them ever again lol. I could talk to my boyfriend and/or his family but I don't think that it's my place to teach respect to people 2-3 times my age. In addition, I don't want to screw up this relationship just because my feelings are hurt, I also don't want to be the stereotypical veg and respond to them the way they are expecting me to. (Sorry this post was so long, but yeah... so upset)
So now that I've painted the picture, what would you do? What would you definitely not do?
Thanks guys
I'm going to assume though, that your partner is actually a nice guy who cares about your feelings. If he is that kind of person, if he doesn't get annoyed or angry that you're feeling hurt by something, then you need to talk to him about this. It's not your job to talk to his family about being more respectful, but it is his job (as your partner) to stand up for you when his family is being unfair to you. That's not even a strictly vegetarian/vegan rule, that's a general relationship rule.
Maybe he just doesn't get how offensive those little jokes and discussions are. Some people need to be told explicitly. If it were me, I'd go with something along the lines of-
"I think your family are great. I love them. But when they make those nasty remarks and jokes about my vegetarianism, it makes me feel unwelcome."
If he can't handle that, if it 'annoys' him that you're bringing it up, then think about ending the relationship because that makes him a jerk. Again, it's not even a vegetarian thing, it's relationships 101. If you're with someone who thinks you feeling bad is annoying, rather than something they should be trying to help you with, then you're with the wrong person.
Another thing, which others have mentioned, is maybe bring some veggie food for you and them to eat. Make it something easy to prepare. There's some good pesto recipes out there (that don't require parmesan, in fact, some don't even have cheese in them at all!). Everyone loves pesto. Everyone.
Was your boyfriend just sitting there letting them go on and on in such a manner? If so, that doesn't bode well for the future, unless he is too dense to understand how rude the behavior of his family is?
I don't have a very high opinion of him right now, tbh. I'm trying to be nice here, but if you plan on having children with this man in the future, you have to open up the lines of communication, or five years down the line, your mother-in-law will be shoving sausage in the mouth of your one-year old.
I don't have a very high opinion of him right now, tbh. I'm trying to be nice here, but if you plan on having children with this man in the future, you have to open up the lines of communication, or five years down the line, your mother-in-law will be shoving sausage in the mouth of your one-year old.
I would have to strongly agree with this!Was your boyfriend just sitting there letting them go on and on in such a manner? If so, that doesn't bode well for the future, unless he is too dense to understand how rude the behavior of his family is?
I don't have a very high opinion of him right now, tbh. I'm trying to be nice here, but if you plan on having children with this man in the future, you have to open up the lines of communication, or five years down the line, your mother-in-law will be shoving sausage in the mouth of your one-year old.
Your boyfriend SHOULD be sticking up for you. He's the person that is the go-between you & his family. If he just sits there, what good is that? Italian Moms can be overbearing, so you have that to deal with.
Bottom line- -- people need to respect your decisions, whatever they are. Create a situation that makes you happy....you owe that to yourself.
Bottom line- -- people need to respect your decisions, whatever they are. Create a situation that makes you happy....you owe that to yourself.
If you're being unreasonable with his family, then, he should talk to you about it and ask you not to be. It's the same the other way around. If he's that close to his family, it should be easy for him to ask them not to be rude (because that's what they're being, Italian or not). I agree with the others that he should stick up for you.
You've already changed from being vegan so perhaps he isn't even that comfortable with you being vegetarian and thinks that's the cause of the problem, that you're the cause of the awkwardness.
I'd ask him that and ask him what he'd do if your family and friends were relentlessly rude to him and you didn't do anything about it.
If he won't defend you, then I simply wouldn't put myself through it. 50 times is more than a big enough effort from you.
(I also agree that inviting them round for some good vegetarian food might help or taking them somewhere good).
You've already changed from being vegan so perhaps he isn't even that comfortable with you being vegetarian and thinks that's the cause of the problem, that you're the cause of the awkwardness.
I'd ask him that and ask him what he'd do if your family and friends were relentlessly rude to him and you didn't do anything about it.
If he won't defend you, then I simply wouldn't put myself through it. 50 times is more than a big enough effort from you.
(I also agree that inviting them round for some good vegetarian food might help or taking them somewhere good).
I would never be with someone that doesn't have my back. Simple.
He can't change his parents but if HE loves you then he should talk to them when you're not there and let them know how they make you feel. Maybe they are gruff people & thought the ribbing was friendly "in their eyes" and "had no idea" it hurt you. If he fails to stand by a belief that is so important to you as such a basic level as your core beliefs then girl he is not truly your life's mate. Sorry.
He can't change his parents but if HE loves you then he should talk to them when you're not there and let them know how they make you feel. Maybe they are gruff people & thought the ribbing was friendly "in their eyes" and "had no idea" it hurt you. If he fails to stand by a belief that is so important to you as such a basic level as your core beliefs then girl he is not truly your life's mate. Sorry.
I would talk to him about how you feel. Maybe he doesn't know how bad these things hurt you. Make it clear to him that they are. If he isn't at least understanding, then you may have a pretty big conflict in your relationship.
They wouldn't like it if you made fun of them for eating murdered corpses, so they definitely don't have the right to do that to you. If it were me, that's what I might do, but it sounds like you're a much better person than I am.
I really hope everything works out. It sounds really frustrating.
Are you going with their jokes while secretly getting really angry with them inside? I think it's time for you to make it obvious to them that you don't enjoy it in an assertive but polite way. Some people are very oblivious to what they do to others.
http://www.cafepress.com/dunkiesanddimeys
They wouldn't like it if you made fun of them for eating murdered corpses, so they definitely don't have the right to do that to you. If it were me, that's what I might do, but it sounds like you're a much better person than I am.
I really hope everything works out. It sounds really frustrating.
Are you going with their jokes while secretly getting really angry with them inside? I think it's time for you to make it obvious to them that you don't enjoy it in an assertive but polite way. Some people are very oblivious to what they do to others.
http://www.cafepress.com/dunkiesanddimeys
Next time they bring the subject up, do this.....
You could always just make jokes about them eating dead things and laugh about how gluttonous their life style really is and how it completely contradicts itself ... You can remind them that Jesus and the first Christians were all vegetarians....!
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