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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Happy Holidays everyone!

I recently watched a wedding video (about 1 1/2 years old) that hadn't been viewed before and that my wonderful sister-in-law taped. It was so sweet of her, but had been stuck in her tape recorder for a very long time, and hadn't been viewed yet. We went through a lot to invite my husbands aunt(who is no longer really in the family due to divorce, and the rest of the family doesn't get along with her) to our wedding. On the tape, I surprisingly heard her talking badly about me. We were all so shocked, especially since it was caught on tape. I was extremely hurt, and the rest of the family told me not to worry about it since she really isn't in the family anymore. But, it still upset me, especially since I have always liked her, and fought really hard to let her come to the wedding. We rarely see her, but I am sending her an X-mas card with 2 pics of her at the wedding hugging my husband (I can't bare to have them in our album anymore). It would be your basic nice X-mas card, but I would put a little "P.S. you should be careful of what you say on wedding videos." I just want to nicely let her know that I heard what she said. What's your opinion on this topic?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your input. I know it's a rather silly problem compared to many others you all are facing, but it was just so hurtful.

 
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ummm.... i think maybe you could look a why you want to do this, and what you hope to get out of it. For example:

Do you just want her to know you were hurt, or do you want her apology?

If you got an apology, would it make any difference really?

Do you hope to educate her and improve her life by passing on this wisdom (to be nice when people are recording you) or just want to stick the knife in and make her feel hurt because you feel hurt?

Will doing this make you feel better, and is it worth it, even if it results in making her feel awful? (whether someone is a complete cow or not, i don't want to be te type of person who takes pleasure in making them feel crap- tempting as it is, lol... i mean, they've already got to walk around being a complete cow, why make their life even suckier, lol).

Is it really worth your time and effort?

What will you do if there is a backlash to your action? Eg: if what you do gets back to other members of your family and they raise their eyebrows at you, or if she phones you up and is very rude, or if you find out afterwards that she was going through an awful time when she said this/when she gets your card- eg: had/has just found out she had/has cancer, or has/had just lost a loved one, and was completely out of sorts when she acted badly (not saying this excuses it, but it might explain it).

then decide what you want to do.

i'd personally be inclined to try really hard not to waste my time and effort on thinking about it, or thinking about her, anymore. if i have to stick my fingers up at a picture of her, or and shout and swear and scream in the closet over it for ten minutes, or have a good cry on my hubbys shoulder then, etc, i'd do it, but then i'd try and just let it go. you did a nice thing, and she did a crappy thing... years ago. its ok to feel hurt by that, but its also healthy to be hurt, but then take a breath, move on, and let it go too. she's not even part of your life anymore. its done and gone.... don't let it wreck your days or waste time on it any more.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thanks hoodclawjen! I really appreciate your reply. You're right. I'm super sensitive, but it is my problem, and I need to not let things like this bother me. I should take it as the opportunity to learn and improve myself.

Thanks again!
 

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That's horrible! It's beyond tacky to bad-mouth the bride at her own wedding.
I'm so sorry seeing that video tainted your memories of your special day for you.

But don't you think it's also just a little bit tacky to use a holiday card to make someone feel bad? I'm not sure what that would really accomplish; besides, this woman isn't a part of your family anymore, nor does she need to be. Why waste the paper and stamp to send her a card?

If you feel like you have to let her know that you're aware of her horrible behavior at your wedding, you should write her an honest letter explaining that you saw what she said in the video, how much it hurt you and that you're wondering if she had any explanation for what she said. This leaves the door open for an apology (if she has any sense of decency she'll apologize), which is what I assume you'd be looking for.

Of course, this implies that you still want to remain in contact with this woman, and judging by her lack of tact and decency, I'd say you probably don't want to.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by meatlesslizzy View Post

Happy Holidays everyone!

I recently watched a wedding video (about 1 1/2 years old) that hadn't been viewed before and that my wonderful sister-in-law taped. It was so sweet of her, but had been stuck in her tape recorder for a very long time, and hadn't been viewed yet. We went through a lot to invite my husbands aunt(who is no longer really in the family due to divorce, and the rest of the family doesn't get along with her) to our wedding. On the tape, I surprisingly heard her talking badly about me. We were all so shocked, especially since it was caught on tape. I was extremely hurt, and the rest of the family told me not to worry about it since she really isn't in the family anymore. But, it still upset me, especially since I have always liked her, and fought really hard to let her come to the wedding. We rarely see her, but I am sending her an X-mas card with 2 pics of her at the wedding hugging my husband (I can't bare to have them in our album anymore). It would be your basic nice X-mas card, but I would put a little "P.S. you should be careful of what you say on wedding videos." I just want to nicely let her know that I heard what she said. What's your opinion on this topic?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your input. I know it's a rather silly problem compared to many others you all are facing, but it was just so hurtful.

This doesn't sound like a good idea to me. If you don't want to put or keep her pictures in your album, just stick them in a drawer someplace.

I don't think it's a good idea to combine a Christmas card with a complaint about what she said on the video. That's a bit deceptive, in my opinion. I would not be sending her a Christmas card at all if I were you. And if I wanted to complain to her about her comments--which is a doubtful proposition in the first place--I'd write her a separate letter about that.

What *did* she say about you on the video? It's hard for me or anyone on VB to know how to respond to comments without really knowing the nature of the comments. Also, what condition was she in when she made those comments? Was she drunk? Who goes to a wedding sober and talks trash about the bride? That doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe she's just nuts.

I'll give you the same advice that they'd give you in Al-Anon: detach with love. If you feel angry with her, just don't have anything to do with her.

I am also curious about how your husband feels about this, since it is his aunt.
 
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Quote:
Thanks hoodclawjen! I really appreciate your reply. You're right. I'm super sensitive, but it is my problem, and I need to not let things like this bother me. I should take it as the opportunity to learn and improve myself.

Thanks again!
i get really sensitive like this too, and am probably the worst at holding on to resentments, and thinking about things that upset me till i get a headache, but i'm really working on it too... i realised a little while ago that while i'm walking around all worked up over stuff like this, nobody else is- especially the person whom i feel has hurt me- they're all enjoying their lives... the only person hurting over it is me, really..... argh, what a waste of my energy!

now to put it in practice myself... thats the hard bit.... maybe i should write a list of 'stuff to let go of' i think, then 'let go of' the list, so i don't keep reading it and getting all worked up over the things on it, lol! *rolls eyes at self*

have happy holidays
thats an order! :p
 

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I agree with the others. What you heard her say, is a reflection of her, not you. More than likely she has NO idea what she said about you on the video, and would barely remember saying it if you told her. If she wants to be nasty, let her be. In lieu of sending her a card with a comment, after hearing something like that, I'd send no card at all.
 

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I think you should do two cards. One as a normal xmas card (no pictures), and one as what you'd really like to say to her. Destroy the latter. It can help with getting over it. The most important part is that you maintain your mature position of being kind and sensitive. You don't have to actually stoop to her level, and you still get the feelings out. It's hard, I know, I've been there. Well, not exactly there, but places like it.

If you don't want to destroy a card, just type it out in a notepad file on your computer, then delete it.
 

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Yeah, I'd just drop it and cross her off your Christmas card list. Oh, and erase that part of the video if it really bothers you.
 

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I guess I am in the minority, but I do think you should let her know you heard what she said about you. Don't do it in a Christmas card though. If you don't like confrontations, just write her a letter telling her how she hurt you and that you no longer want to associate with her. I think people that do stuff like that ought to be called out. Perhaps she will watch her mouth next time.
 

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Was it something really bad? I'm just wondering if it's something way worse than what you may have said about someone behind their back. I think we've all said things that if caught on tape might make someone feel bad (especially if drunk). Maybe not at a wedding, but still.
 

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I really think that if it matters to you, you should pick up the phone and call her. Don't drop a hint that you heard what she said in a Christmas card. She probably won't remember.

And if she doesn't matter to you then let it go. It will do more to you than to her by holding on to what she said. It helps me to think of the source. If someone I truely cared about that was in my life said something negative about me I would be hurt and deal with it. If someone I really don't see that doesn't matter to me anyhow says something, who cares? You won't change their mind if they don't matter to you because obviously you don't matter to them.

People are always going to say dumb, rude, hurtful things. You can't stop them. But what you can do is control your reaction and how much you continue to let it hurt you.
 

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It's been 1 1/2 years and while it's fresh in your mind, she's probably forgotten that she said anything at all. I'd drop it.

One of the bits of advice in "The Four Agreements" which I TRY to remember (and sometimes it's easier than others) is to NEVER take anything personally. Try not to let her comment affect you, but let it reflect her.
 

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Aww, you people are no fun. I say send the darn pictures and the card! Maybe with a little note saying "Won't be needing these anymore, beeotch
" And draw a silly Captain Morgan-style goatee on her. Maybe some devil horns. Or you could just scribble her face out all together.

Heh... I never really was the sort of person to just "drop it"...
 

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personally, I would tell her if it bothered me that much. people need to be held accountable for their actions. if you do it in a nice way, explain that it hurt your feelings, she may keep her trap shut in the future.
 

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I pretty much agree w/what everyone has said.

If you think it's worth calling her out on what she said, I'd either write her a letter (not x-mas card) or call her and let her know it hurt you. As for the pictures, since they are of her and your husband I'd let your husband decide what to do w/those.

I'm sorry she was so rude at your wedding after you put a lot of effort into inviting her. She sounds like a very unclassy woman.
 
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