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Have you confronted your parents with your childhood hurts they inflicted?

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Discussion Starter #1
How many of you have sat your parentsor whoever raised youand frankly discussed ways in which you thought their parenting did you a disservice? Say they did a crappy job on sex ed, or they didn't encourage you to do well in school. Did you ever talk with them about it? Why or why not?<br><br><br><br>
Would it make a difference if you have younger siblings who might benefit directly from a change in parental behavior or attitudes?
 

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Both my parents have been gone a while, so no. From the other side of the fence, I think I would appreciate it if my children came to me with any issues about growing up that perhaps is bothering them now. As long as it was done in a non-threatening non-judgmental way. I certainly don't want to sit down and be told what a terrible job I did raising them! I know I made some mistakes but we have a pretty open relationship. They know I did the best that I knew how. If anything, my son, who is the third in line, probably lost out on the parenting front. I was tired and burnt out by then!
 
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sort of. whats interesting in my case, is that my parents have actually approached me unprompted a few times, to apologise for causing my childhood to have so many negative experiences in it- one parent did this as part of a twelve step program which required them to make amends to those who were affected by their drinking, and acknowledge the damage their behaviour did, and the other because they just felt incredibly bad and sad about the situation they bought me up in. we discussed, indepth, a lot of the stuff around it, and shared our feelings, and thankfully for the main part as a family we learned to accept it and move on. we still do occasionally discuss how things were, and how they've changed for the better in the past 10 years.<br><br><br><br>
i do remember that i approached the drunk parent quite loudly and angrily a few times in my teens, prior to their getting into treatment and recovery, pointing out exactly how i felt about their behaviour, their lousy parenting ability while pickled drunk, and how it was affecting everyone in the family- but i think i did this for their benefit, and not my own.<br><br><br><br>
i don't think that in any other situation there would be much benefit to my telling them what i thought was negative about the job they did parenting me- its done, gone, and past. all that i can see that it would do really, is make them feel bad, or cause resentments to bubble up on both sides, and an argument to ensue. even if they apologised, and did so sincerely, it wouldn't change much for me, as i'm not carrying any raw wounds around with me that need this kind of closure. perhaps their apologies would be somewhat comforting if i did, but i think i'd feel more empathetic hurt myself, for having hurt them by pointing out their prior flaws and faults, than would balance it out.<br><br><br><br>
if i had younger siblings at home, or my own children who were going to be spending time with my parents, and thought that i could make a positive difference to their experience by talking to them, perhaps i'd consider it, but i don't.
 

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No. My mother was severely depressed (post-partum) from the time I was ten until I was 24. She finally saw a doctor who gave her medications that made a world of difference. But it never changed the fact that my teen years were miserable. I guess now I wonder what good it would do to talk about it since it was so long ago and clearly she was ill.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>ElliottsMom</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I did learn how NOT to raise a child though.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Amen to that!
 

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Growing up, I was always letting them know when something displeased me. I don't think there's anything that I haven't confronted them about, really. My mom rarely apologized or felt she did anything wrong, of course. She's the "I'm always right" type.
 

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I have a FABULOUS mom, so there hasn't really been much to bring up. I've mentioned the few things that nettled me a little, but what's done is done and I don't see any reason to harp on things that are past and that were largely situational anyway.<br><br><br><br>
My dad died a few years ago, before it had really occurred to me to bring things up, but I would have had a few more things to say to him... still not many, but a few.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>sarahjayn1980</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
... Ususally, my mom handled it by saying, "Oh, I see. Well, seeing howas you already have children, this information shouldn't be so shocking. I will send Sally (childhood nickname) over to explain it to you right away."<br><br>
My mom always was rather sarcastic.</div>
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*ROTFL* That is priceless!
 

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I didnt really have any issues with my mom growing up. The problems with my dad were all alcohol related. He still doesnt accept that he has a drinking problem and until he does, it's kind of pointless for me to bring it up.
 

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I didn't get the chance. My mom died while I was a teen and my father died while I was in College. Due to these things, I didn't get to discuss anything with them. I have however spent time with my grandparents and kinda understand how/why they did what they did.
 

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Yes, I have many times. I gave up though. I realize we will never see things the same way in life. But at least I got the chance and courage (after years) to release my feelings with them and was honest.<br><br><br><br>
It was a very good feeling, no matter what. Glad I have such a strong bond with my kids and that makes my world.
 

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I've mentioned things casually (maybe not the right term) when in lighter conversations with my Mom and siblings about past events and childhood memories. We're not a terribly "deep" bunch but we're all pretty open to talking about what bothers us or whatever, so it's always been accepted and gone over fairly well and with understanding.<br><br><br><br>
I think, as long as it's done carefully and in the right way (is there a right way I wonder?) it can help a person get some closure and move past childhood hurts if they need to do that, though as many have said, there's not always much difference to be made by this point...
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>goettling</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Glad I have such a strong bond with my kids and that makes my world.</div>
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Don't have anything profound to add here, I'm pretty up-front with my folks.<br><br><br><br>
But I just had to jump in because this statement ^^^ is <i><b>so</b></i> 110% true!!!!!!!
 

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Meh, they're in denial anyways, but they did the best they could at the time and they've learned not to pull any of that crap with me now so why bother?
 

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It's nice to see so many people are able to move past whatever issues they may have had growing up and turn them into something positive with raising their own children. My mom had two sisters and they had it really tough growing up with a stepdad who was abusive. They were hit frequently, even locked in the closet once or twice, called horrible names, and they managed to bond together and get through it. They stayed at home until their late twenties because their mom was sick and they didn't want to leave her alone with him. This was back in the 1940's, 1950's. After their mom died, my mom got married and took her two sisters to live with her. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I can be angry with my mom because perhaps she didn't do everything right when raising me, or I can look at the life she had and know that she loved me and did the best she could. I think we are luckier today because so many things are out in the open and we have more means available to us to help us change/be better parents.
 

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I've never attacked my mother on her parenting choices but I have confronted her on certain things. Seeing as how she knew about it when it was happening, though, I didn't expect it to make a world of difference (it didn't). I just did it for my peace of mind.<br><br>
As far as parenting mistakes, we'll all make them (those of us who parent at least). I feel 99% of parents do the best job they can. It's not easy.<br><br>
Mary
 

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My mum died when I was 13, so no, I didn't really ever get the chance to tell her this stuff. It's made me more open with my dad though, and I talk to him about most stuff as it comes up, so hopefully I will never need to 'confront' him in later life.
 
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