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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
ok, my grandfather is in renal failure, but im not really sad about it. he was abusive when we were kids(my parents and sibs moved in with GPs when i was 5-6). it was a somewhat normal thing to watch him get drunk and fall down the stairs when i was a kid. he chased me around the kitchen table becaused i coughed and i threw a chair at him to keep him away from me. he did things to my sisters that he should have gone to prision for. when i lived there i was thinking of ways to kill him. in a sense im relieved that he is in this state, he cant hurt anyone anymore. he hardly moves and will probly die soon. i feel torn shouldnt i feel worse that hes dying? i feel like a horrible person for not being sad about it.
 

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Well, we feel what we feel...who's to say, really. Considering what you went through, at least you are not jumping up and down, yelling hooray. I think it's ok to not feel sad. I would imagine it would be more like relief. Either, way, I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
 

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I think it's a good thing that you are in touch with your emotions.

As Karen said, who's to say what the proper response or reaction is.

I'm sorry, on an empathetical level, that you are looking at possibly facing the loss of your grandfather. I lost mine last summer.
 

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I'm sorry about your grandfather but having read your post I totally understand why you don't feel bad about it. It doesn't sound like your grandfather made your life very nice. I think it would be natural for someone to kind of think "ah what a relief". That probably sounds nasty but I mean, do people normally feel bad about people who have done bad things to them? I would think not.

Your feelings may change later though. After he dies, it might 'hit you' and you might feel bad about it. Are there any good memories that you have of your grandfather?
 
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i wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. like others have said, how you feel... is how you feel. people deal with things in different ways, at different times, for different reasons, etc.

one of my grandmothers behaved pretty horrendously for the 10 or so years that i was alive, and from what i've been told, she behaved the same way (all be it with less senility- she was probably worse/harder to deal with when she had her wits about her) for a long long long time before hand. lots of problems with alcohol, as well as cruelty, lies, neglect, violence, deceit, abuse, denial of abuse she knew about and was party to, manipulation, etc. her behaviour, actions and choices caused a lot of hurt and damage to a lot of people in our family.

i know i was a child when she died, so perhaps its a little different, but i felt very cold and detached over her death- i remember that i also kind of felt relief that she'd not be able to hurt anyone else again, too. i'm pretty sure that a few other family members did too, all be it quietly- while putting on a fascade of how they were 'supposed' to act/feel.

nearly 20 years on, i've had time and space to reflect, the opportunity to learn more about what was behind her behaviour, and the chance to put a bit more of the puzzle of my feelings and thoughts on the subject together in my head.

i think i've reached a point where i can say i'm sad that things were the way they were, i'm sad that she behaved the way she did, i'm sad for all the hurt she caused and must have felt too, i'm sad that she didn't experience life in a more positive way, or manage/learn/choose to behave differently, and i'm sad that i didn't experience a different relationship with her.

they're different things than being sad that she's no longer with us- or sad that the woman she was was, with the behaviours she had, was taken from us- but they're a level of sadness that i'm accepting of in myself. and for me, myself is the only person who i'm held accountable to, so that is good enough for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
i wish i knew how to not be as angry at him. im kinda unsure as to how to feel. i wish i had more positive memories of him. the rest of my family either hates, mocks or ignores him. even though hes done some horrible things, i dont think anyone should have to die like that.

at the same time i think he set up that way(for people to hate him). i dont think i remember him expressing any real regret for the things hes done.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by queenfluff View Post

I'm sorry about your grandfather but having read your post I totally understand why you don't feel bad about it. It doesn't sound like your grandfather made your life very nice. I think it would be natural for someone to kind of think "ah what a relief". That probably sounds nasty but I mean, do people normally feel bad about people who have done bad things to them? I would think not.

Your feelings may change later though. After he dies, it might 'hit you' and you might feel bad about it. Are there any good memories that you have of your grandfather?
im trying to remember good memories of him but i cant think of many. he wasnt a jerk 100% of the time.
 
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