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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Zombie humor:

What do zombies say as they roam the world? "Give me brains! Give me brains!"
What to veg*an zombies say? "Grains! Grains!"
What do zombies who live in a drought area say? "Rains! Rains!"
What do hobo zombies say? "Trains! Trains!"
What do zombie plumbers say? "Drains! Drains!"
What do Jewish zombies say? "Pains! Pains!"
What do zombie investment brokers say? "Gains! Gains!"
What do zombie vampires say? "Veins! Veins!"
What would Adrian Monk say if he was a zombie? "Stains! Stains!"
 

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Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.' Ha!
I don't know why I find the G humour funny. It's so lame it's hard not to laugh
 

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Physics humor:

Quote:
We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical".
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and other lower scientists.
6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians.
7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway".
8. To the extensive use of "******* notations" where conventional mathematics will not work.
9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.
http://trygve.buanes.net/fun/rights.html
Theological humor:

Quote:
It just so happened one day that Karl Barth, Paul Tillich,
and Reinhold Niebuhr find themselves all at the same time
at Caesarea Philippi. And who should come along but Jesus,
and he asks these three famous theologians, "Who do you
say that I am?"

Karl Barth stands up and says: "You are the 'wholly other,'
the vestigious trinitatum who speaks to us in the modality
of Christomonism."

Following this, Paul Tillich states: "You are he who heals
our ambiguities and overcomes the split of angst and
existential estrangement; you are he who speaks of the
theonomous viewpoint of the analogia entis, the analogy of
our being and the ground of all possibilities."

Reinhold Niebuhr gives a cough for effect and says, in one
breath: "You are the impossible possibility who brings to us,
your children of light and children of darkness, the
overwhelming oughtness in the midst of our fraught condition
of estrangement and brokenness in the contiguity and
existential anxieties of our ontological relationships."

And Jesus looks at them and says, "What?"
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Back-Space View Post

Not the least bit offensive or distasteful. Which is pretty much nonexistent anymore. Even The Simpsons has gotten a little dark in their humour
Oh, like a movie rating!

My joke (kind of lame, sorry):

Lets eat grandma.

Lets eat, grandma.

Punctuation matters.
 

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Another fan of G-rated humor here.

What's pink and goes through walls?

[SPOILER=Warning: Spoiler!]Casper the friendly strawberry.[/SPOILER]

What goes "99, click, 99, click, 99, click..."?

[SPOILER=Warning: Spoiler!]A centipede with a wooden leg.[/SPOILER]

How can you stop a bull from charging?

[SPOILER=Warning: Spoiler!]Cancel his credit card.[/SPOILER]
 

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How do you know someone is vegan?
They tell you.
(I didnt find it that funny but my friend who told me was laughing so hard she could barely get the punchline out lol)

Someone at school didnt know this joke and I thought everyone did
Knock knock
whos there?
banana
banana who?
Knock knock
whos there?
banana
banana who?
Knock knock
whos there?
banana
banana who?
Knock knock
whos there?
orange
orange who?
Or-ange you glad I didnt say banana

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amy SF View Post

Zombie humor:

What do zombies say as they roam the world? "Give me brains! Give me brains!"
What to veg*an zombies say? "Grains! Grains!"
What do zombies who live in a drought area say? "Rains! Rains!"
What do hobo zombies say? "Trains! Trains!"
What do zombie plumbers say? "Drains! Drains!"
What do Jewish zombies say? "Pains! Pains!"
What do zombie investment brokers say? "Gains! Gains!"
What do zombie vampires say? "Veins! Veins!"
What would Adrian Monk say if he was a zombie? "Stains! Stains!"
driving zombies - lanes lanes
horse zombies - reins reins
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Mr. Shoenstein was moaning to his friends about his son-in-law. "That boy! He's going to ruin the whole family! He doesn't know how to drink and he doesn't know how to play cards!

His friends were puzzled. "Irv, what do you mean, ruin the family? Why would it ruin the family?"

"Because he DOES drink and he DOES play cards!"
 

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My friend has recently started drinking braking fluid..... It's OK, he can stop whenever he wants.

A man walking down the street is stopped by a crocodile, an ostrich and a giraffe. The ostrich pulls out a police badge and says "We have reasons to believe you are under the influence of hallucinogenic substances, sir."

So, so, so bad.. I'm sorry
 

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A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
The man has a beer or two, but the giraffe is just pounding shots, getting sloshed, and being generally obnoxious. Eventually, the giraffe, drunk out of his mind, passes out, and falls on the floor. The man finishes his beer, stands up, and starts walking out of the bar.
The bartender stops him, saying "Hey buddy, you can't leave dat lyin' there!"
The man looks back and soberly respond, "that's no lion, that's a giraffe."
 

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A rope walks into the bar and the bartender says "we don't serve ropes here". So the rope leaves the bar, once outside he ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He goes back into the bar, the bartender asks "aren't you the rope I just threw out?" And the rope replies "no, I'm afraid not"
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by vegansarawr View Post

A rope walks into the bar and the bartender says "we don't serve ropes here". So the rope leaves the bar, once outside he ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He goes back into the bar, the bartender asks "aren't you the rope I just threw out?" And the rope replies "no, I'm afraid not"
I don't know why I laugh at these
They're so lousy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
A zombie, a vampire and a werewolf walk into a bar on Saturday night. The zombie orders a Zombie, the vampire orders a Bloody Mary, and the werewolf orders a schnapps. They then continue ordering the same drinks until morning comes and they have to flee. Every Saturday night for weeks, they repeat their visit and order the same drinks in profusion until morning comes and they have to flee. Finally, after three months of this, they all return to the bar. The zombie again orders a Zombie, the vampire again orders a Bloody Mary, but the werewolf this time orders a ginger ale. When the other two question the werewolf about his order, he confesses to them that lately when he drinks too much schnapps, he goes on a terrible rampage and has no idea what he does. "Guys, I just don't feel human anymore!"
 
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