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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here's another that ALWAYS happens to me: Guys pretend to be your friend and then way down the line, either get angry when you get involved with someone or flirt (because they assumed you were in a relationship with them) or reveal that they have had feelings for you all this time.

This pisses me off and makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. 1) I feel like I've been lied to. They weren't there to be my friend, they were just waiting for the chance... 2) It should be obvious that I don't have the same feelings- why wouldn't they have picked up on that? 3) I feel like they put me on the spot- in a situation I don't want to deal with.

4) they have no right to be mad and then stop being my friend!!!

WHo has this happened to and what did you do to prevent it from happening again?
 

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it's happened to me in the past, and the only thing that i would do about it is be very clear from the onset. it seemed to work.

often, you can tell when a person (guy or gal) is trying to be your friend in the off chance that in time, s/he will be more than a friend to you. they come on in a certain way. A bit too giving, a bit too needy, a bit too desiring of physical closeness. Just a bit too strong.

Usually, what i say to these people is that i have no interest in them in a romantic sense. And, if they think that being my friend will change my mind, they are mistaken. It actually makes me uncomfortable and makes it that much more dificult for us to truly become friends. Therefore, if they cannot let go of that desire, we are not able to be friends.

If they insist that they do not harbor that desire, then i will proceed into a distant friendship with great caution, being clear about what makes me uncomfortable and what i feel is appropriate along the way.

In every instance, the guy or gal either left altogether (we were not friends at any point) or the guy or gal was able to put those feelings aside or direct them elsewhere and we could be friends. Often, this was possible after a time of separation.

Sometimes, an imposed separation is in order. "Jane, i know that you want to be my girlfriend, but i just don't have those feelings for you. I know that you say that you're ok with "just being friends," and it's a good idea if you can get past your romantic feelings for me. I'm honored that you are attracted to me, but until you can work through your feelings, i think it would be best if we stayed apart for a while. If you still want to be friends after this separation period, then i would be happy to be your friend."

It usually works really well. Some people never come back after the trial period. Some people come back after the trial period. Some people don't come back for a very, very long time.
Everyone is a bit different. But, everyone finds someone to love them as much as they love that someone--and that's what counts. You could even say: i want you to find someone who cares for you as much as you are capable of caring for them. You are a loving person who deserves to be loved in equal measure. (which is true!)

this tends to rid one of those 'hanging on' type friendships that continue and end so annoyingly. The whole time, you're not having fun, you're second guessing. And then, eventually, they get hurt and finally leave. it's just silly.

clear communication is the answer.
 

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Well, not being friends with guys is one answer, but we won't get into the "When Harry Met Sally" debate here, I suppose.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I've been the guy in this situation, and sometimes it is my fault, and sometimes it really is the woman's fault. The best thing to do is be honest. Blunt hurts sharply once; hinting hurts a little for a long time.
 

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this happens to me all the time maybe due to the fact that i have mostly male friends

A male friend of mine recenetly told me that i should just expect that it will always happen this way because i'm so easy going.

I once spoke to a male friend and he explained that while i was giving him any signals he seen anything i did as a sign that i most be interested .

Just be sure to be upfront in friendship with male explain to them that you only what friendship .
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I have been in some sort of love pentagon. (Guy's names will be numbers to make it easier) 1 liked me, I liked him, yet I liked 2 better. 3 was 1's best friend, and 3 liked me, too. 2 liked me, and we had a date lined up, yet Chick was jealous of me because guys actually liked me, and not her. So 1 and 3 bickered, and 2 won me, while chick started to make me feel bad. 3 missed out because he told me waaay after I had asked 2 to Sadie Hawkins. So... he kinda got hurt in it. We're all friends now (except 1 and Chick, I refuse to have them in my life at all). But I have that problem at times.. It's not fun...
 

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I've learned to expect that more often than not, when forming a friendship with a guy, sooner or later, we're going to have to have "the talk". It doesn't bother me at all to put feelings and expectations on the table. It's only fair. I try not to make anyone feel bad, and talking about it usually ends up making both of us feel closer, even if it means the end of our friendship. BTW, no one has ever just walked away, but some have decided to fade away with time.

Scince I've been with my current BF, I've only befriended maybe one or two guys, and it was me who had to end one of the friendships because of the romantic feelings I was having. Infact I had a dream about him last night and have been wanting to call him all day. But, I won't because I can't afford the drama, and I'm a good girl... right?

I love having male friends!
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
i found out within 1/2 hr on the same night my very best friend and another good friend both fancied me. I was in shock coz i had never suspected a thing with my best friend. Three weeks later she asked me out and we lasted a happy 9 months. The other girl was made clear that i wasnt looking for someone else after we split coz i kinda sensed she was hoping. When i found another friend fancying me i told her straight off i couldnt go out with her and she was cool with it.

So i found honesty was the best really.
 

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"It should be obvious that I don't have the same feelings- why wouldn't they have picked up on that?"

Because when you keep desiring someone, and keep hoping you can have a relationship with them -- you don't notice anything they do that speaks contrary to that; you do notice even the slightest things they do that you could conceivably indicate that they might wish to have a relationship with you. People tend to see what they are looking for, and miss seeing what they aren't looking for.

I know that doesn't answer your question how to prevent it from happening.

I can understand why you would be "pissed off" if they got angry when you got involved with someone else. But why would you be pissed off if they revealed they had feelings for you for awhile, without telling you, and then they finally decided to tell you (I'm assuming they didn't lie to you first and tell you they had no feelings for you, even tho they did; rather, they simply didn't bring up the subject).

Generally, I can tell if someone has feelings for me, whilst I am not interested in having a romanitc relationship with them. Even people trying to pretend they don't, I can often tell they do. Perhaps if you watched their actions more closely and paid less attention to their verbal assertions, you might pick up on feelings they have, even tho they seem to only want to be non-romantic friends? Then you could avoid being surprised when they declare their feelings?

Oh, I see zoebird mentioned this already.

It doesn't bother me, as long as they can control their feelings, as long as they don't start trying to manipulate me in the hopes of making the situation different. It is true that sometimes they will start trying manipulations. These are not conducive to a friendly relationship, and I have to drop them. But if they mere continue their desire quietly, it is not a problem. After all, I am very attractive, so it shouldn't be surprising to me that people whom I am not attracted to, are attracted to me, right? As long as they have good manners and are considerate about it, and realize they can't have everything they desire (I'm not "superman" -- I can only handle 20 or 30 romantic relationships at a time) then it shouldn't be a problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I've been on both sides of this issue. It's interesting that with all of the men I'm friends with, I fell for the one that hasn't shown interest in me. Fear of commitment? Oh, definitely!
 

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I've got another question.

Someone hints that they find you attractive and would like it if you fancied them and tried to get with them. She is kind of attractive, but you aren't biting because you don't want to put any effort into a relationship unless it is with someone who is smarter, vegan, etcetera. But you wouldn't mind being friends with them as you see many valuable things in them. How do you swing it so you can be friends with them, and at the same time inform them that that is as far as you want the relationship to go. Without, of course, hurting their feelings. You wouldn't want to say: "I'm waiting for someone smarter."
 

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Quote:
Originally posted by aksjg

2) It should be obvious that I don't have the same feelings- why wouldn't they have picked up on that?
I just don't believe that people's feelings for one another are "obvious." That's like saying that everyone is a mind-reader.

In the relationships I formed, I had to discuss my feelings for the woman and have her discuss her feelings for me, explicitly and expressly, exactly as if neither of us had any telepathic abilities.

It is also true--shocking as it may seem--that a person may do A, B and C--which might seem to indicate a romantic interest in another person--but also X, Y and Z--which might be taken to indicate a lack of interest in that other person. In other words, people often give off mixed signals, either consciously or unconsciously.

Another aspect of this is that women seem to use the word friend differently than men do, and differently than the dictionary defines the word. Women often use the word in a negative sense, to negate any sexual feelings or romantic involvement, as in the expression "just friends." But I don't think the word really contains any such negation. At any rate, I think there is a tendency to use the same word to mean very different things.

Finally, women seem to offer (nominal) friendship as a "consolation prize" to men they have dated and rejected. "Can't we just be friends?" Some women also request friendship as a precursor to dating/romantic relationships. "Let's be friends first." That sort of thing. This makes it even more confusing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I think that is my question, too, Soilman. I am experiencing now that several guys I thought were great, who seemed to really like me- now are showing no interest in me at all- It is like, since they know I don't want a romantic relationship with them, they don't want to know me at all. I don't get that. You want to be my boyfriend, but have no interest in being my friend? It sucks- I like these folks. I guess there is no way, Soilman. Just have to let those folks go.

I guess that is part of why I don't come right off and tell them I am not interested. I want their friendship and I guess I figure as time goes on and the friendship develops, they will figure out that it isn't going beyond that, but the friendship will be there...

Anyhow, why do people have to be so complicated? ARGH
 

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Oh, I don't think so aksjg.

There have been a number of females in my life who I might have liked to be "ultimately intimate" with, and I was satisfied with being just friends with, once I found out that they were interested in the latter but not the former. Maybe when I was 14 years old I wouldn't have been able to handle it: "You don't want to ef me? I'm insulted." But once I reached 23 or so -- no problem -- I got over taking it personally.

And I think maybe women are just as capable as men of doing the same thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Hmmm... Well, I agree that women are capable of the same. I'm just saying it is awfully disappointing when I meet great guys whose friendship I would love to have and then they buzz off because they figure out that I don't want to be more. I even seem to get the cold shoulder and moping, too! It sucks! Makes me feel like some cold-hearted bit**
 
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