[isowish]

Okay, so first, some background: I'm 18. I live with my 14 year old sister and my dad, and my mum died 4 years ago last December.

And my computer is currently not working, at least, not a lot. So I've been using my dad's. And I clicked on a link, thinking it would be an http:// but instead it was a mailto: and it opened my dad's email program. I deleted the 'new email' since I didn't want to send it and what was left on the screen was the last email my dad had received, which was a reply. His message was quoted at the bottom. And okay, I read it because I'm nosy. But I wish I hadn't.

It was to one of his best friends and amongst other things that it talked of it referenced a talk they had had when drunk which seemed to be about my dad being depressed/upset/not liking his life. There was a lot of stuff I didn't understand because I obviously wasn't there when they were talking about it, but he said that his life for the past 4 years had been 'sleepwalking' and that he had been 'counting down the days until [little sister] didn't need [him] anymore' so that he could basically walk away and not worry about whether he had to come back and whether he had to stay alive or whatever.

I know this should have made me sad for him. I am a terrible daughter. Instead this, and other things he said, just made me angry. They gave the impression that me and my sister weren't worth him living for, that we were just a 'duty', and basically like he was looking after us because he had loved my mum and because he felt some kind of 'need' to, not because he wanted to.

This hurt me. I know that my mum's death hurt us all. It definitely caused a lot of issues with me I never had before. But possibly the one good thing I thought had come out of it was that I felt I had a much closer relationship with my dad, that we understood each other and loved each other better than ever. And now I feel that this has all been one-sided. I feel kind of...betrayed.

Bleh. I know I'm making this all about me, when it's not. He also said that he was starting to feel better. To feel life can happen again. And I'm glad. But I don't feel as close to him since I read the email.

I don't know what I expect from this post. I guess I just needed to vent.

 

[Poppy]

Iso -

First of all - your Dad had that conversation with a friend and not with you. In other words, he has some feelings that he didn't want to share with you - because they make him sad, make him angry, because he's tired, and he doesn't want to you to know. It's so great that we can go to friends and rant - and say things that perhaps we don't really even mean in a literal way, but feel for a brief period of time. I've been married for 23 years, and believe me, I've vented some of the most awful things about my husband to my best friend. Did I mean them at the moment I said them? Yes! Do I mean them now - no. That's what's so great about venting - its a way to let off some steam so we can handle the daily stresses.

I'm sure your dad didn't envision his life the way it is now - he probably never expected to have to raise two girls alone, and even though you and your sister are great, smart; independent people, it must still be nearly overwhelming at times. I'm sure he's feeling a lot of pressure that you two get through these difficult teen years healthy, safe and happy - and he doesn't have the support of the one person who shared his dreams of your futures with him.

Kate - you are NOT a terrible daughter. And you are not a "duty". I'm sure that you and your sister are the very best things your father has in his life right now! Your dad has lingering deep sadness and a huge responsibility to raise you and your sister, and he's human. Which means he gets tired, and gets sad, and feels longing for the freedom of no more responsibilities. But would he really want to trade you two in for a different life - without you? Never!!!

 

[Schoska]

*hugs*

 

[Iria]

I write a lot of things in my diary that I look back on later and am ashamed of, or just wondering where my head was. Sometimes when I'm in the grip of a strong emotion--just feeling really depressed for a day--I think and write things that I don't really mean or that don't take into account the big picture. I know there are people I love and who need me, but during that one wave of emotion, I just can't focus on it. Later, when the emotions cool, I'm a little embarrassed that I threw all that aside to moan about me, but when I'm myself again I still love those people. I think that's probably how it was with your dad. He might have been having a bad day and just speaking those hidden selfish thoughts that come up when you're really depressed. That doesn't mean he feels that way all the time, or even most of the time.

P.S. Poppy's post is brilliant. Pay attention to what she says.

 

[isowish]

thanks everyone for the hugs, the kind words, and the advice.

Poppy & Iria, you make a lot of sense. I do that stuff too. I guess I still fall into that trap of expecting parents to be perfect, even though it's been proven to me time and time again that they aren't. Even though it's unfair to expect them to be. When I was a toddler, my response when a toy broke, when it rained, when a train was late, when I hurt myself, was always "daddy fix it". I still expect him to.

I probably need to talk this, and a lot of other things I can't even begin to get into now, out with him. I'm just not ready to do that quite yet.

Thanks all.

 

[IamJen]

That your dad felt comfortable enough to share those feelings with your friend is probably a good sign. Maybe in there, he realized that he didn't want to feel depressed, etc. and confessing to his pal would help him to start to feel normal again.

Agreed with the ladies saying not to put *too* much wait into what he was saying. If he's been depressed since your mom died and he was drinking, his perspective would've been a little skewed.

 

[Life2k]

Just ever so often tell him you love him and he is the greatest Dad on earth. And tell him you don't know what you would ever do without him.

You know dads are so not replacable. Husbands can never take their place, and no matter how old the get, you still need their wisdom and experience. My dad will be 83 in Sept. I still go ask him for advice on many things from simple wisdom to legal matters. If he ever starts talking to you like that, just ask him what in you past has ever given him the idea you won't ever need him to rescue you from yourself?

 

[karenlovessnow]

Double ditto to what everyone here is saying! We love you!!

 

[GhostUser]

 

[scarlet]

 

[isowish]

thanks everyone for your kindness & advice.

Quote:

If he's been depressed since your mom died and he was drinking, his perspective would've been a little skewed.

yeah, but he wasn't drinking when he wrote the email, which is where I got this feeling from

your point still makes sense though.

Life, I think your post touched on another thing that made me angry that I forgot to include - that once we are not financially and physically dependent on him the way we are now, we will still need him around, and who does he think he is that he can give up his life when my sister is legally an adult?

ugh I think I still need some time to cool off about this even though I found this email like two days ago. Thanks everybody.

 

[Amy SF]

I don't think I can add to all the excellent wisdom already posted, so here:

I think you are really a wonderful daughter.

 

[Treehugger267]

Big hugs. Sometimes we write or say things on a bad day that we just need to get off our chest. We might just be having a crummy day. I know I have said some things on a terrible day that I certainly didn't mean in my heart. I'm sorry you read that and I'm sorry it hurt you. Please don't let it ruin your relationship with your dad. It sounds like you all have been through so much. It honestly sounds like he is terribly depressed, that can be a terrible place to be. It it can make you think you need to be alone, when the fact is, that is when you need the people that love you the most.

 

[Fromper]

Ok, the situation's not really the same, but I actually kinda understand a little of what your dad's feeling right now, so let me see if I can put it in perspective for you.

During my last semester at college, my mom died. Having grown up living mostly with her (divorced parents and older sis left home when I was 13), this was a pretty major blow for me, and I got pretty depressed. After I finished school, I had a tough time getting started in my career. If my mom had been alive, I probably would have gone home to live with her temporarily until I could get a job and get my life going, but she wasn't there, and that just depressed me more.

I reached a point where I was almost ready to just give up and stop caring. This may sound downright silly, but the one thing that kept me going was my pet bird. He had lived with my mom and I, and stayed with her when I left for school. After her death, I brought him to live with me at school. But when I was at my most depressed, and I wasn't sure what I would do, it was the thought that another living creature was counting on me that forced me to keep going and finally get my career started.

There were times along the way that I almost wished he wasn't there, so I could just give up. I could have given him to friends or family to deal with, so I could just give up on life and not worry about him. But I cared about him too much to make him live with someone he didn't know, after we both already had to deal with losing my mom. In the end, it was caring about him that helped me to finally heal and move on.

And to this day, more than 10 years later, I still consider that little bird-brain cockatiel to be my best friend in the world. It was caring for him that helped me survive the toughest time of my life, and I love him for it.

So the way I see it, your dad is still incredibly depressed about your mom's death. He still has to take care of you and your sister, and there are some days the depression gets to him, and he wishes he could just give up. But it's his love for you and your sister that keeps him going, and helps him to work past the depression and keep on living every day.

Yes, you're a burden to him. Children are always a burden to their parents. But it's a labor of love. I don't see this as a sign that he wishes he didn't have that burden. I see it as a sign that he loves you so much that his love for you and your sister is the only thing that keeps him going during the toughest time in his life.

I think you were right all along, before seeing that email. Losing your mother really has brought you closer to him, but he just sees it in a way that's not what you expected.

--Fromper

 

[isowish]

thanks for your input everyone.

I'm sorry for going all 'teenage angst LOLZ!!!' for a while there. You're all right. It wasn't meant to be insulting to me in aniy way, it was just a vent, like my OP.

I just need to add it to 'Kate's long list of things she should talk to her dad about but doesn't'. -sigh-

 

[IamJen]

*chuckle* I have one of those lists, too.

 

[Odalys]

I really think you should talk to your dad about it, tell him you read the email by accident and that you want him to explain things because you got a bad impression. I think if you tell him the truth, he'll come out and be honest with you about how he feels, and it may just turn out to be the opposite of what you had initially thought.

I know its tough talking to parents, but sometimes you just have to do it.

 

[Life2k]

It is so strange. I call Dad on the phone, and we talk for an hour. We laugh and joke. I so need his jokes and his laughter. He always makes my heart lighter. I am going to miss him more than I am missing Mom. He is my laughing buddy.