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Okay, so first, some background: I'm 18. I live with my 14 year old sister and my dad, and my mum died 4 years ago last December.
And my computer is currently not working, at least, not a lot. So I've been using my dad's. And I clicked on a link, thinking it would be an http:// but instead it was a mailto: and it opened my dad's email program. I deleted the 'new email' since I didn't want to send it and what was left on the screen was the last email my dad had received, which was a reply. His message was quoted at the bottom. And okay, I read it because I'm nosy. But I wish I hadn't.
It was to one of his best friends and amongst other things that it talked of it referenced a talk they had had when drunk which seemed to be about my dad being depressed/upset/not liking his life. There was a lot of stuff I didn't understand because I obviously wasn't there when they were talking about it, but he said that his life for the past 4 years had been 'sleepwalking' and that he had been 'counting down the days until [little sister] didn't need [him] anymore' so that he could basically walk away and not worry about whether he had to come back and whether he had to stay alive or whatever.
I know this should have made me sad for him. I am a terrible daughter. Instead this, and other things he said, just made me angry. They gave the impression that me and my sister weren't worth him living for, that we were just a 'duty', and basically like he was looking after us because he had loved my mum and because he felt some kind of 'need' to, not because he wanted to.
This hurt me. I know that my mum's death hurt us all. It definitely caused a lot of issues with me I never had before. But possibly the one good thing I thought had come out of it was that I felt I had a much closer relationship with my dad, that we understood each other and loved each other better than ever. And now I feel that this has all been one-sided. I feel kind of...betrayed.
Bleh. I know I'm making this all about me, when it's not. He also said that he was starting to feel better. To feel life can happen again. And I'm glad. But I don't feel as close to him since I read the email.
I don't know what I expect from this post. I guess I just needed to vent.
And my computer is currently not working, at least, not a lot. So I've been using my dad's. And I clicked on a link, thinking it would be an http:// but instead it was a mailto: and it opened my dad's email program. I deleted the 'new email' since I didn't want to send it and what was left on the screen was the last email my dad had received, which was a reply. His message was quoted at the bottom. And okay, I read it because I'm nosy. But I wish I hadn't.
It was to one of his best friends and amongst other things that it talked of it referenced a talk they had had when drunk which seemed to be about my dad being depressed/upset/not liking his life. There was a lot of stuff I didn't understand because I obviously wasn't there when they were talking about it, but he said that his life for the past 4 years had been 'sleepwalking' and that he had been 'counting down the days until [little sister] didn't need [him] anymore' so that he could basically walk away and not worry about whether he had to come back and whether he had to stay alive or whatever.
I know this should have made me sad for him. I am a terrible daughter. Instead this, and other things he said, just made me angry. They gave the impression that me and my sister weren't worth him living for, that we were just a 'duty', and basically like he was looking after us because he had loved my mum and because he felt some kind of 'need' to, not because he wanted to.
This hurt me. I know that my mum's death hurt us all. It definitely caused a lot of issues with me I never had before. But possibly the one good thing I thought had come out of it was that I felt I had a much closer relationship with my dad, that we understood each other and loved each other better than ever. And now I feel that this has all been one-sided. I feel kind of...betrayed.
Bleh. I know I'm making this all about me, when it's not. He also said that he was starting to feel better. To feel life can happen again. And I'm glad. But I don't feel as close to him since I read the email.
I don't know what I expect from this post. I guess I just needed to vent.