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An acquaintance I've spent time with several times pursuing a mutual activity recently was dumped by her boyfriend of 9 months. She is 33 and is devastated. She has been trying to find someone to marry and have kids with since she was 25 and hasn't been successful yet. She has bought into the idea that finding love for a woman over 30 is less likely than being hit by lightning.<br><br><br><br>
I don't know her that well, but she seems like a fantastic woman. She's smart, very attractive, active, interesting, has a wonderful personality and I think she's got that special something.<br><br><br><br>
She's an atheist, so she can't meet people at church. Our mutual activity involves a lot of men who are too young for her, aren't into tying themselves down or tend to already be involved in a relationship already.<br><br><br><br>
I'm looking for some words of encouragement I can share with her. Does anyone have any stories or ideas to share? I'd really like to help her, but I have no idea how to do that. I don't know any available men in her age range, but I'm checking with other friends.<br><br><br><br>
Thanks,<br><br><br><br>
Tony
 

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First of all, 33 is still quite young. I am 33 and several women I've dated or even been in serious relationships with are older than me. I would say that you're never too old to love in all honesty.<br><br><br><br>
Second of all, let's drop what we can't do. She's an athiest. Why did the option of church ever even come up? What DOES she care about? Get out there and start doing those things! Help animals at a shelter, volunteer at a homeless shelter, go to poetry readings... Do whatever you would do if you weren't looking for a mate, yet get enough exposure that you might come across someone you're interested in or they might come across you. I emphasize, though, that you need to do things you would do even if finding a mate was not guarenteed.<br><br><br><br>
Also, why does she need to be with someone? Has she considered this. Seriously, why?
 

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you're never too old to find love. there's ALWAYS another lover out there for you, i'm sure of it.<br><br><br><br>
my best advice would be to shake things up a little, have her try stuff she's never done before, and just try to be very social so she has all the oppurtunities she needs to meet new people.
 

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Agree with the others, you can 'find love" regardless of your age. I'm over 40. I know it's possible.<br><br><br><br>
Rushing or pushing things because you have an "agenda" (wanting to get married, have kids or just 'not be single') is the WORST way to move things along though... prospective dates will definitely 'sense' that urgency and agenda, believe me!<br><br><br><br>
As mentioned above though, your friend needs to feel secure and mature enough to feel comfortable and happy on her own, WITHOUT a relationship before going out looking for a new one. The worst mistake people make is rushing into things because they feel too insecure to just enjoy life and learn more about themselves and truely ENJOY being 'single' for a while... It's really OK, and in fact, the best way to grow as an individual, to NOT be in a relationship for a while. You don't NEED to always be "with" someone to make your life "complete".<br><br><br><br>
Being single, and comfortable with it, for quite some time, was the best thing I EVER did for myself and the relationship I'm currently in.
 

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Agree with the others, you can 'find love" regardless of your age. I'm over 40. I know it's possible.<br><br><br><br>
Rushing or pushing things because you have an "agenda" (wanting to get married, have kids or just 'not be single') is the WORST way to move things along though... prospective dates will definitely 'sense' that urgency and agenda, believe me!<br><br><br><br>
As mentioned above though, your friend needs to feel secure and mature enough to feel comfortable and happy on her own, WITHOUT a relationship before going out looking for a new one. The worst mistake people make is rushing into things because they feel too insecure to just enjoy life and learn more about themselves and truely ENJOY being 'single' for a while... It's really OK, and in fact, the best way to grow as an individual, to NOT be in a relationship for a while. You don't NEED to always be "with" someone to make your life "complete".<br><br><br><br>
Being single, and comfortable with it, for quite some time, was the best thing I EVER did for myself and the relationship I'm currently in.
 

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I'm 31 (soon to be 32), living half a world away from my home country, and working in an environment where chances of meeting someone are virtually nil. The odds never really bothered me, though, because I was quite happily single and bent on staying that way.<br><br><br><br>
Five months ago, though, I got coerced into going bowling with a bunch of friends. I say "coerced," because (1) I can't bowl and (2) I'd rather watch paint dry than attempt to do so, but they were insistent. ... Midway through the first game, a guy I hadn't met before joined the group, and I kid you not, the first thought that went through my mind was " ... I'll be married to this guy in a year."<br><br><br><br>
Where that came from, I'll never know. As I said before, marriage was nowhere in my five year planner. But a week ago, that tall, handsome, Texas boy proposed, and I said yes.<br><br><br><br>
It's worth noting that he is also over 30. Celebrated his 36th birthday a few weeks after we met, in fact. Unlike me, he was looking for that special someone, but he certainly hadn't expected to find that "someone" while stationed on the outskirts of Nowhere, South Korea.<br><br><br><br>
My sister, who also met the love of her life after the age of 30, insists that love happens when it happens, whether you're looking for it or not.
 

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My girlfriend just called me yesterday and sobbed and sobbed because she decided that she needed to dump her very crappy boyfriend. (thank goodness!) Then she went on and on about how she only has another year or two to find a mate and have one more baby before she hits 30. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/thinking.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":think:"> Apparently my friend bought into this same idea, Tony. Isn't 40 the new 30 or something though? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p">
 

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IMO, we don't even know what we *want* until our late 20s/early 30s. Times have changed since the days that a high school education was sufficient and we started having families at age 18, 19... Now, we're going to college, grad school, developing careers... and by the time we're 27/28, we're completely different people than we were at 17 & 18.<br><br><br><br>
It seems, however, that our families from prior generations seem to want to pass down their old values that if you're not married by 25, something is wrong with you and you'd better hurry up.<br><br><br><br>
They fail to forget that many other countries find their young generations waiting to marry until their mid-30s or later, because they're busy developing themselves and their careers.<br><br><br><br>
And, what on earth is making her so hell-bent on wanting to marry & have babies? If she's worried about having babies at an older age, why not adopt a child into a loving home? She sounds insecure to me, and basing her self-worth on her marital & parental status. She needs to mature a little and realize that there are a LOT of people out there who are her age & older that are just starting to look around for a decent relationship.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>SallyK</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
My girlfriend just called me yesterday and sobbed and sobbed because she decided that she needed to dump her very crappy boyfriend. (thank goodness!) Then she went on and on about how she only has another year or two to find a mate and have one more baby before she hits 30. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/thinking.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":think:"> Apparently my friend bought into this same idea, Tony. Isn't 40 the new 30 or something though? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p"></div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
The #1 thing that turns off men, in my extensive experience, is desperate women who want to get married & have (more) kids with men who are still tentative.<br><br>
Women over 30 who freak out that they are old certainly don't seem desirable, esp. when they start smothering their bf's with wedding & baby talk.<br><br>
I'm 35. I'm dating a 59-year-old man I have known for 4 years, & we've been going out over a year & it's fantastic.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/guitarist.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":guitar:"> But then again, one of the first things I told him was no kids-ever, no marriage, no bs.<br><br>
I think desperate women who scare men with their neediness should look for a MAN, not a daddy for their kids, a ring on their finger & all that. Men can tell when they've got a baby-&-wedding crazy nut stalking them.
 

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Anyway, you asked for success stories... one of my friends is 33 and started dating the love of her life last year - they're marrying next year.<br><br><br><br>
Another of my friends is marrying next year, after finally getting together with friend of 12 years. He's 36.<br><br><br><br>
When I was in my previous job, a lot of people I worked with (from other companies) were in their mid-late 30s and not really looking to start a relationship until later but were confident that they'd find someone. One guy, who was 37 or 38 (I can't remember) told me he was engaged about a year ago.<br><br><br><br>
But aside from all the marriage stories, the worst thing someone can do is seek out a partner just because she wants to get married.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tempeh-Tantrums</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Agree with the others, you can 'find love" regardless of your age. I'm over 40. I know it's possible.<br><br><br><br>
Rushing or pushing things because you have an "agenda" (wanting to get married, have kids or just 'not be single') is the WORST way to move things along though... prospective dates will definitely 'sense' that urgency and agenda, believe me!<br><br><br><br>
As mentioned above though, your friend needs to feel secure and mature enough to feel comfortable and happy on her own, WITHOUT a relationship before going out looking for a new one. The worst mistake people make is rushing into things because they feel too insecure to just enjoy life and learn more about themselves and truely ENJOY being 'single' for a while... It's really OK, and in fact, the best way to grow as an individual, to NOT be in a relationship for a while. You don't NEED to always be "with" someone to make your life "complete".<br><br><br><br>
Being single, and comfortable with it, for quite some time, was the best thing I EVER did for myself and the relationship I'm currently in.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I couldn't agree more. I'm 31, an atheist, and recently dumped. Anyhow, I've been doing things like going to a puppy mill protest, went to a an "atheist" meeting I found through meetup.com <a href="http://www.centerforinquiry.net/communities/index.html" target="_blank">http://www.centerforinquiry.net/communities/index.html</a> - for your friend, local atheist social groups) and there are monthly vegetarian dinners I haven't yet been able to attend through meetup.com<br><br><br><br>
Perhaps even looking up local community classes (most cities have low cost art, language, and other interesting courses), joining a gym, or looking for lectures or activities through a political group or campaign, would all be good ways to meet similar people without the pressue of "dating". She can get to know men in a casual way and hopefully not give off desperation vibes. Plus, even if she doesn't meet anyone, she'd be enjoying her single life and enriching herself. It's when you have a full life that you are able to give something of yourself to someone else. It's when you need something from someone else that you stay alone or with someone who is no good for you.<br><br><br><br>
I no longer want kids, but before, I felt the same pressure. And once I got myself ok with the idea that maybe I'll have them, maybe I won't and if I get married at 45 I can always adopt, I felt much better, more confident, and more free to think about dating in a normal and healthy way. It was very liberating, and I think it probably made more attractive to men!<br><br><br><br>
I must also comment that wanting a man in order to have a baby is really insulting to men. I hope the woman in question does not think of men as sperm donors. Men, like women, want to be loved for themselves, not as just a means to an end. Putting the desire for a baby ahead of the desire for a mutually respectful, loving, healthy relationship will end up turning out badly for everyone, including hypothetical baby.
 

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I met my SO at the age of 34. Never thought it would happen, but there it is. Now that I'm 37 we really need to start working on the whole marriage and baby thing, but I'm confident in that area too!
 

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I met my SO at the age of 34. Never thought it would happen, but there it is. Now that I'm 37 we really need to start working on the whole marriage and baby thing, but I'm confident in that area too!
 

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I met my SO at the age of 34. Never thought it would happen, but there it is. Now that I'm 37 we really need to start working on the whole marriage and baby thing, but I'm confident in that area too!
 

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well, it's hard to discourage a person away from their misconceptions. I think that your acquaintance has two misconceptions:<br><br><br><br>
1. that it's difficult to find love/companionship/etc over thirty; and<br><br>
2. that in order to have personal value (and social value) as well as fulfillment and meaning, she needs to be married and have children.<br><br><br><br>
while i cannot offer any direct words of encouragement without them sounding like false band-aids that do nothing, i would encourage you to find ways to motivate her to move away from these ideologies.<br><br><br><br>
when a woman determines that her life can have value without marriage and motherhood, when she recognizes that she is a complete, vibrant, and valuable being on her own, she will be able to move in the world in ways that bring her great joy and she'll be able to create the life that she wants for herself.<br><br><br><br>
If she decides she wants companionship, with or without marriage, then she will find that. If she decides that she wants a child, she will create that in some way as well (either by having or adopting a child as a single woman, or finding ways to nurture people who are not her children). But she may also discover fulfillment in being single and without children--and find that life to be vibrant and valuable.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">WEDDING/CELEBRATIONS; Krystyna Stachowiak, Howell Raines<br><br><br><br>
Published: March 9, 2003<br><br><br><br>
Krystyna Anna Stachowiak, a former marketing and public relations consultant, and Howell Raines, executive editor of The New York Times, were married yesterday at Trinity Episcopal Church in Mount Pocono, Pa. Canon Virginia Rex Day performed the ceremony.<br><br><br><br>
Mrs. Raines, 39, was until recently the executive consultant at Coltrin & Associates, a New York public relations firm. From 1991 to 1995, she was a Washington correspondent for The Warsaw Voice, an English-language weekly.<br><br><br><br>
...<br><br><br><br>
Mr. Raines, 60, was editor of The Times's editorial page before becoming executive editor in 2001. He won the Pulitzer Prize for feature writing in 1992.<br><br>
...<br></div>
</div>
<br><br><br><a href="http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D01E7D9103FF93AA35750C0A9659C8B63" target="_blank">http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpag...50C0A9659C8B63</a><br><br><br><br>
I just saw Howell Raines on TV talking about his new book and his (relatively) new bride.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Folks, thank you for the wonderful responses. I think you brought up some good thoughts and shared some great perspectives.<br><br><br><br>
I don't think that my friend sees her sense of worth only through marriage and motherhood. She speaks proudly and with satisfaction about her career, travel and life in general.<br><br><br><br>
The next time I see her I'll share some of the ideas and perspectives you've posted here.<br><br><br><br>
Tony
 

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I have to agree with the others who've said you can find love at any age... you really, really can. Yay! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/carrot.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":vebo:"><br><br><br><br>
Granted, I'd done the whole "married and kids" thing already - when that didn't exactly work out (the marriage part anyway) I discovered I could be very happy and comfortable and enjoy my life a LOT as a single person...<br><br><br><br>
The last thing I was looking for was someone to fall in love with and I was rather skeptical that I actually WOULD at my age (older than most all of you). It took me totally by suprise, but I'm soooooo thrilled with the way things have worked out!!
 

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I am the very lucky guy, btw. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tofu-N-Sprouts</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I have to agree with the others who've said you can find love at any age... you really, really can. Yay! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/carrot.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":vebo:"><br><br><br><br>
Granted, I'd done the whole "married and kids" thing already - when that didn't exactly work out (the marriage part anyway) I discovered I could be very happy and comfortable and enjoy my life a LOT as a single person...<br><br><br><br>
The last thing I was looking for was someone to fall in love with and I was rather skeptical that I actually WOULD at my age (older than most all of you). It took me totally by suprise, but I'm soooooo thrilled with the way things have worked out!!</div>
</div>
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