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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't think I can take it anymore <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br><br><br>
I've been vegan for around 2 years, we've been married 5. He has declared he will never be vegan, and won't eat anything he even thinks is "vegan" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wall.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":wall:"> (he is stubborn AND a picky eater to begin with) --- although he is somewhat supportive of my feelings and activism.<br><br><br><br>
But...<br><br><br><br>
There are a few things I request regarding food in the house. Like not buying any pig products, since they are so easy to avoid. Buying organic milk (which he won't) and organic cow flesh (which he doess.) And foregoing things that obviously don't need animal products, but have them. Like "egg" noodles. Which I've pointed out to him before.<br><br><br><br>
So tonight he comes home with a bag of egg noodles. I see them, lose it, smash the bag, noodles go flying all over the kitchen. I'm in tears, he's pissed...<br><br><br><br>
He just came up to me and said "I'm sorry about the egg noodles. Sorry you saw them before I ate them."<br><br><br><br>
I don't see this ever working...<br><br><br><br>
Really just needed to vent as I know I have to either accept him, or leave. It just sucks!
 

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compromise and go to the store together-----because food is a terrible argument----and very unfriendly. You must be willing to sort this out because it only gets worst. Otherwise you better have two separate kitchens because he does not like your food. Psychology is the way to go or to a psychologist who will advise you on how to repair this---until then avoid the showdown. Your true vegan friend, Wilma Blaisdell
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>nigel</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
He's really an omnivore, right?</div>
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Well, I guess so. He does eat things other than flesh! He calls himself a carnivore though...to remind me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>madamenouveau</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
compromise and go to the store together-----because food is a terrible argument</div>
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Hmmm. Then I'd be throwing noodles in public.
 

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Maybe you should go to anger management courses. It's weird to throw stuff around when people don't do what you want them to do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Marie</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Maybe you should go to anger management courses. It's weird to throw stuff around when people don't do what you want them to do.</div>
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Gee, thanks for the support.<br><br><br><br>
I was in MY kitchen and he's my husband, not "people". It was a one time thing after numerous discussions about that exact product and the bag popped when I was being emphatic. It wasn't deliberate or planned.<br><br><br><br>
I get angry when I see cruelty in my own home. Don't think I need to manage that, just do something about it. And I think that's going to have to result in our splitting, not taking a class.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>forthebirds</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
I get angry when I see cruelty in my own home. Don't think I need to manage that, just do something about it. And I think that's going to have to result in our splitting, not taking a class.</div>
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First, hopefully you understand that he probably doesn't see buying egg noodles as allowing cruelty into your home. Sounds like you are to able to connect those dots, but most people don't think past what's sitting right in front of them. So, perhaps you should extend him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, yes, it's YOUR kitchen, but it is also HIS kitchen. You are two people with two different belief systems, and I don't think it's totally fair to expect him to conform to yours 100%.<br><br><br><br>
Think of it this way -- how would you react if it was just a roommate? Would you have reacted the same way? If not, why not? And why wouldn't the same reasoning apply to your husband?<br><br><br><br>
Dissolving a marriage is a pretty radical step. Are there other areas in which the relationship is good? Is this *really* worth simply calling it quits, without even some additional communication, counselling, etc?<br><br><br><br>
Just some things to consider. Hope things work out for you both.
 

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Sorry I am new here and I don't really mean to pry, but I think the most important thing is that he does care about your feeling. But, I also think that you can't force him to become a vegan any more then he can force you to eat meat. Making the switch is something that he has to feel in his heart. So for the time being I think you guys should cook separate meals. He may come around or he may not. Can you live without him? If not you will have to accept that you are a vegan married to a meat eater.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Guacivore</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
First, hopefully you understand that he probably doesn't see buying egg noodles as allowing cruelty into your home. Sounds like you are to able to connect those dots, but most people don't think past what's sitting right in front of them. So, perhaps you should extend him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, yes, it's YOUR kitchen, but it is also HIS kitchen. You are two people with two different belief systems, and I don't think it's totally fair to expect him to conform to yours 100%.<br><br><br><br>
Think of it this way -- how would you react if it was just a roommate? Would you have reacted the same way? If not, why not? And why wouldn't the same reasoning apply to your husband?<br><br><br><br>
Dissolving a marriage is a pretty radical step. Are there other areas in which the relationship is good? Is this *really* worth simply calling it quits, without even some additional communication, counselling, etc?<br><br><br><br>
Just some things to consider. Hope things work out for you both.</div>
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Thanks. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":bow:"><br><br><br><br>
I didn't mean to imply that it is ONLY my kitchen, but in response to Marie, I wanted to make it clear that I was in my kitchen when it happened, not in some random place with a stranger - and in case anyone is wondering, the remark about throwing noodles in public was meant to be a joke. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/undecided.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":-/"> I have been very tolerant of his continuing food choices, but I expect him to respect a few of my requests, especially when it comes to battery caged hens and eggs, since that is my primary focus as an activist.<br><br><br><br>
I have tried to accept that he will not be changing his diet or perceptions (and I know him pretty well to feel certain that time will not change this - I would be shocked if he did) but it appears it's not something I am willing to do, or wait around for in case he has some sudden revelation. I most likely would not share a home again with a non-vegan, but him being my life partner has more implications than a roommate. I am very active in AR and this spills over in more ways than food issues at home.<br><br><br><br>
It seems most vegans I know, their omni husbands/sig others will at least eat the food they cook, or join in with veg friend's activities, eat at vegan restaurants, etc. But mine won't. Over time, frustration is turning into intolerance over it. If counseling can't make him a vegan or more accommodating, I don't really see the point.
 

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I kind of understand the point that he may not want to limit his food choices (what he buys) on the basis of your values. Making specific rules about what kind of products - even very particular products, like egg noodles - he can buy seems a bit controlling to me. And I say this as someone who understands your need to have an effect on his choices - I personally could not live with an omni because their choices would bother me, and I don't "tolerate" omni choices at all.<br><br><br><br>
But it does seem like he has some kind of a principled opposition to vegan foods, and this doesn't seem very respectful to me. I hate mushrooms and have a deep prejudice about them, but if I had a gf who was crazy about mushrooms and whose life revolved around them (for some reason), I would eat some just to make her happy. So in this respect at least, I don't think he's "meeting you half way" in regards to the omni/vegan thing.<br><br><br><br>
You did say that he supports your feelings/activism, though, so that might be something to work from. But if you're an AR activist, then the conflict in values and actions is probably greater than in ordinary veg*n/omni relationships.
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>forthebirds</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
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I didn't mean to imply that it is ONLY my kitchen, but in response to Marie, I wanted to make it clear that I was in my kitchen when it happened, not in some random place with a stranger</div>
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That doesn't make it any better.
 

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OMG im going to punch VB. I keep trying to edit my post now that I re-read the OP and it keeps going back to my old post before I can even hit save. **** it, I give up. Ignore this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sevenseas</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Making specific rules about what kind of products - even very particular products, like egg noodles - he can buy seems a bit controlling to me.</div>
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I've taken the time to point that out as an example because he can easily replace it with the NO YOLK Brand, so it was a matter of something very specific that is easily done with no real sacrifice or taste difference. No rule given, but it feels as though it was done deliberately TO piss me off since it was such a specific request! That's how it feels anyway, and he can be passive aggressive.<br><br><br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Sevenseas</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
... But if you're an AR activist, then the conflict in values and actions is probably greater than in ordinary veg*n/omni relationships.</div>
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Yes, that does seem to be a difference in the severity of frustration on my part.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Marie</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
That doesn't make it any better.</div>
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What's your address? I'll send him right over to live with you for a few years and then please chime in again when you have some personal experience and can conjure up some empathy for a fellow veg who had a single blow up with her spouse after 2 years' of frustration and needed to vent to people she thought might understand.<br><br><br><br>
'K?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Jessica Alana</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
No yolks have eggs. They just are lacking the yolk, so I think they can advertise as cholesterol free. Or whatever it is.</div>
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Oh, that's just great! Never bought them, but assumed... that either they, or some other brand, would be egg free. Do they make egg-free egg noodles?
 

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My husband is an omni, and we have it set up so I do the shopping. This has not been a problem at all up to this point, and he is willing to eat what I cook or snack on other things.<br><br><br><br>
I don't see that it *should* be a huge problem to have a thing where you buy what you want and he buys what he wants, and you make dinners with the products cooked separately (collective "you", not you, yourself making everything HE is asking for)~<br><br><br><br>
Shopping together would help, suggesting an egg-noodle-LIKE noodle that has no egg, for example, might help. It might be the style of noodle he is looking for. Don't talk "vegan", talk food.<br><br><br><br>
If this is a problem, there are likely underlying issues that also need to be discussed. I know my dh and I tend to get snippy and huffy about silly little things (or that we later percieve to be "silly little things") when there is something bigger going on. Address the bigger issue and go from there. Perhaps councelling would help get you started? The earlier into a problem you seek help together, the more likely you are to be able to work things out peacefully.<br><br><br><br>
And it is possible that you are blowing things out of proportion when it comes down to it. (don't we all, at some point, after all?) It is hard that he does not share your passion for animal rights. It is hard that he does not CHOOSE to do/eat the same way you choose to.<br><br><br><br>
But in the end, you make your choices for you, and cannot make choices for others. He has made his choice, it would seem, and you have as well. Perhaps agreeing to disagree is a good idea here? If there cannot be a middle ground on the issue, it may be best to let it lie. But you both have to agree to disagree, here.<br><br><br><br>
If he is picking on you and not in a fun way (teasing isn't bad, after all), that needs to be addressed. And so is the temper-tantrum style shouting on your end. I'm just saying both of you have things to work on. Working on them TOGETHER is the only way to make it work. That is what marraige is... partnership, working together toward a common goal.<br><br><br><br>
First thing to do: TALK to him about it. take turns talking, don't interrupt each other. And use the phrase "I feel..." when talking so you are expressing yourself, not being accusitory.<br><br><br><br>
HTH, and I hope you read this the way it was written. Hard to read tone...
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>tigerlilly</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
i have to say, with the little comments he makes it doesn't sound like he is very supportive.</div>
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He's supportive in his own ways. Alerts me to AR news/articles, buys gifts/books related to it, says he's proud of me, etc. Tonight was unusual because of the noodles flying, and all. He was more defensive than he would normally be. He's kinda weird about food to begin with, and is socially uncomfortable in general, so the whole vegan thing exacerbates it all.
 
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