VeggieBoards banner
1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,072 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok i'm making a big step here by sharing this here so please be nice.

The first man is/was my ex (lets call him m) hes the long distant man and the problem there is well as a long distant boyfriend he really sucks, by that I mean he just can't seem to express himself properly via email or phone. We've been together for two years and hes quite sweet, funny and understanding. Having said that we're complete opposites in every way and i was all prepared well we had basically broken up til he arrived back in the country and i realised how much i loved him, and how much better he is in person. He spent the whole week asking me to live in hong kong with me (somethting that i previosuly asked to do and he said no). So i could now joing him in hong kong and work there teaching english or something.

However, in the meantime my close male friend (lets call him a) confided he has feelings for me, and i eventually revealed that i had feelings for him. We have loads of fun together, and hes quite exciting yet i struggle seeing how it would work long term because we are also very different (hes the complete opposite of m), by that i mean he likes partying alot, taking ectesasy and so on. He also wants to be do aide work which would involve working in third world countries all the time (more long distant relationships).

The problem is this i obviously have feelings for both men, i don't understand how this is possible yet i do and pretty stong feelings for both, i also don't know what i am supposed to choose right now. It seems that both men have qualities that i love and the complete opposite of each other eg:

m likes to stay home more probably closer to how i feel whereas a lives to party/rave etc

a and i have big d & m conversations whereas m isn't quite as expressive

and so the list goes on.

Right now after just seeing m i'm ready to move to hong kong for 3 to six months. yet prior to seeing him i ready to move on and eventually see a.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,374 Posts
I say live your life and have fun, and don't do anything to jeopardize that for either man. There's probably another man waiting in the wings...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,072 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
how am i supposed to not jeapordaise that for either man, if i go to hong kong i'll hurt a, if i see a i'll hurt m and if i see niether i'll hurt both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,437 Posts
I think what epski is trying to say is, unless you actually want to do any of these things, don't do them........it seems you are willing to give up a lot, and that shows you are a very giving person, however, don't compromise your own happiness for either of these men. Do what makes you happy and you will find someone who fits into your life. No one here can tell you what to do. You need to do what you feel will make you happy. And if you don't know what that is right now then maybe you aren't ready to make the decision.

And to answer your other question, yes I think you can love two people at once........especially if there are different qualities in each person that you feel drawn to.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,374 Posts
That's more or less it. I've made some reckless, passionate decisions in my life and, unfortunately, I've always regretted it. At this point in your life, be selfish, not in a mean-spirited way, but in the sense that you should really be most concerned with what's right for you. What do you want? And I don't mean in this situation, but in life? How do these guys fit into that? Get your own life on track, and you may find out that these guys aren't what you need, and -- lo and behold -- you meet a much more suitable match later on. I didn't get married until much later than I expected to (considering my family history and probably also because of it), and I am very grateful to myself for waiting as long as I did, because I know that -- unlike the rest of my family -- mine will stand the test of time.

And, yes, I believe you can love two people at once. And sometimes you have to give them both up to love yourself better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,072 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
i knew that was going to come out of but the truth be told i don't want to give up both and no not because i don't want to eb single but because my feelings are so strong particuarly towards m i just can't understand how i can also have feelings for a.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,374 Posts
It's because they're so different, and they appeal to you in different ways. Imagine, there may be someone out there for you a year from now, or even ten years from now, that appeals to you in all ways. By then, you may have also discovered that some of those appeals aren't as appealing as they seem now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
0 Posts
Quote:
Originally posted by epski

What do you want? And I don't mean in this situation, but in life?
This makes so much sense, I had to quote it. Try (I know it's hard) thinking about what you want out of life, as if neither of these men were in the picture.

If you've always wanted to go to Hong Kong, this might be a great opportunity for you. But if it doesn't fit into your life's plans, it's a big risk to take.

I tend to take an "if it's meant to be, it will be" attitude. If you're meant to be with m, or with a, it will happen when the time is right. Don't force it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,914 Posts
Hmmmm...my suggestion is to find what makes YOU happy and I'd say that means not letting your fate or future ride on either man at present.

Tell us a little about your life? Is your life so unsatisfying to you that you'd drop it in an instant to move to Hong Kong for a guy? A guy that you've already broken up with once. I mean is your attitude simply to say, "I can just ditch everything here. Hong Kong will be Lots Better."

Also, I'm seeing that neither of these men are really satisfying to you. One is missing one thing about himself...and another is missing something else. I'd say you have reservations about both and you have reservations probably for a good reason.

IE neither of them are the right one. Don't let it be about the 'lesser of two evils' please. You can have feelings for a person AND realize that they aren't right for you. To me it just sounds like neither of these guys are.

If I were you (I'm not), I'd be about finding what makes ME happy and be more patient about finding the right guy. But that's only because I've been through probably a dozen or more of 'almost the right guy...or close enough' including my X husband. So I've finally learned the much needed lesson that settling for someone who is not really what you want is really not worth it in the long run.

Being happy with yourself means you'll eventually find someone who's happy with themselves. And then you'll accept and be happy with who that person is. And you can be happy together.

I'd be willing to wait for that kind of happiness.

Good luck.

Btw, Hong Kong sounds fun. If you really want to go to a foreign country and work...why not just do so? Without any excuse for doing so at all?
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top