VeggieBoards banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 123 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<i>[Edited on 12-21-06] The situation seems to have been resolved, but check back on Christmas Eve about 11 p.m. to find out how the dinner goes.</i><br><br><br><br>
Every Christmas Eve, my dad's side of the family goes out to eat, opens presents, and goes to a Christmas Eve service at the church where my uncle is a pastor. The past two-three years, we have gone to Texas Roadhouse. No one in my immediate family was consulted on the choice of a restaurant. My grandparents treat, so they can pick whatever restaurant they want, I guess.<br><br><br><br>
For background on what happened last year, check out these posts:<br><br><a href="http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showpost.php?p=1118005&postcount=51" target="_blank">http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/s...5&postcount=51</a><br><br><a href="http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showpost.php?p=1118836&postcount=65" target="_blank">http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/s...6&postcount=65</a><br><br><br><br>
I don't know who it is, but my mom informed me yesterday someone in the extended family is highly uncomfortable with me and my vegetarian sister bringing Mexican food for us into Texas Roadhouse for the family meal on Christmas Eve. We should just order off the Roadhouse menu, this person insists. My mom doesn't know who it is, either, and she said people are passing the buck on that one.<br><br><br><br>
I'm hurt. If someone has a problem with something I did/do, they should come to me about it, not send messages through the gossip chain. It shows a profound lack of respect for me and the speaker. If they believe something, they should own it.<br><br><br><br>
Furthermore, this person allegedly said the family gathering shouldn't be about food. With that I agreewhich is why I brought in something I could enjoy. It's the extended family that demands we go to Texas Roadhouse (don't tell me that's not about food) when they know darn well there's very little vegetarian there. Every attempt by my mother to change to a different restaurant has been flatly refused. My grandparents are the ones paying for it, so I could understand if they're the ones declining to take us elsewhere. I'm guessing it's my aunt and uncle who are all pissy about it. This has been going on for years with them, this "we don't want to have anything to do with friendliness to vegetarians" crap. This year it's probably augmented by the fact my aunt's mother is dying of cancer.<br><br><br><br>
I'll call Texas Roadhouse when the lunch hour is over and see if they've had any changes to their menu, but I'm not optimistic. I want to talk with this family member myself like adults and try to get a feel where they're coming from, but what's a respectful way to do that? Should I call my aunt and uncle, or maybe my grandparents? If I have anything to apologize for, I will. I'm thinking about giving a blanket apology for anything I may have said or done, especially when I was a new, vitriolic vegetarian at age 16, that may have offended or given the impression I was trying to convert the world. As adults, my relatives should be able to understand teenagers are often less diplomatic and considerate than they will be six and a half years later.<br><br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wall.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":wall:">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,670 Posts
skylark, I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice (or at least advice I imagine you'd take... my policy with family is if they don't treat me right they don't get to have anything to do with me). But this sucks, and I think you've done more than enough to try to ameliorate the situation. Your family doesn't sound very nice to me, and definitely not deserving of how you've allowed them to walk all over you in the past few years. Quite frankly, I'd either not go, or tell them where to go.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,664 Posts
Wow, Skylark.. after reading this post, as well as the two you linked to, I have to say that this has nothing to do with you. It seems like you are being more than reasonable about the whole thing. They are insisting you go to a restaurant where there is nothing that is vegetarian. What do they expect you to do? Compromise your morals and beliefs and eat something rolled in bacon fat?<br><br><br><br>
If the restaurant is truly ok with you bringing in outside food, why does anyone else care? This get together shouldn't be about what everyone is eating, but should be about being with people you love. People who love each other accept each other for their differences, even if those differences cause them to go out of their way a bit (and it doesn't sound like anyone would have to go out of their way for you to bring your own food!).<br><br><br><br>
This is their problem, not yours. I would call them up (anyone you think might be offended) and have a good heart-to-heart conversation with them to see what the issue really is. Explain that you just want to see them and what you (or anyone else) eats isn't really important.<br><br><br><br>
I wish you the best of luck, and I hope everything works out!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
How much consideration should I give them on account of my aunt's mother being in the final stages of cancer? She probably won't make it past February. It's undoubtedly a touchy time, even more so because my aunt and her mother are extremly close friends in addition to being mother and daugher. I don't want to make life harder for them... I just don't see why they should get to make my life harder because theirs sucks. Eh, that's what it means to live with people, right?<br><br><br><br>
How would you bring it up? Call and ask to speak to my aunt or uncle, and ask if I could speak with the person who requests I eat off the Roadhouse menu? Suppose they both deny it's them and refuse to say who it is. At what point is it polite to say, "Since no one is owning this, I will respectfully ignore that opinion."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
927 Posts
Well, since no one has come forward and talked to you about this directly themselves, I would say you and your sister are free to do exactly what you did last year. It's been OK'd by the restaurant, so it's not like your causing problems between the restaurant and the rest of the family.<br><br><br><br>
Furthermore, since your grandparents are treating everyone, they are the only ones in a position to decide what's acceptable. It sounds like they certainly wish you were able to order off the menu, but it also sounds like they are not prepared to tell you to stay away because you can't.<br><br><br><br>
If your aunt and uncle have problems, the ball is in their court to talk with you about them. If they haven't, I don't see that you have any obligation to behave different or even bring the matter up with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,983 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>skylark</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
How would you bring it up? Call and ask to speak to my aunt or uncle, and ask if I could speak with the person who requests I eat off the Roadhouse menu? Suppose they both deny it's them and refuse to say who it is. At what point is it polite to say, "Since no one is owning this, I will respectfully ignore that opinion."</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I'd probably say that to begin with. If your actions offend them so much that they feel they have to tell you to change your behavior, then they should at least own up to it. It's childish to tell you through an intermediary. Being the stubborn person that I am, I would probably ignore the request and bring my own food anyway.<br><br><br><br>
That said, since it is a sensitive time, I wouldn't get in the person's face about it if you find out who it is. I would try to have a civil conversation and ask them if it would be more comfortable for me to go there and not order anything, since that is the choice I would have to make. Again, because I'm stubborn, I might just eat a big meal beforehand and conspicuously sit there without food at the dinner.<br><br><br><br>
Apologizing probably would be a good thing, if you think they're still hung up over something you said when you were 16. If no one owns up to it (and I wouldn't work too hard to find out who it was), I say just ignore it. You can be sensitive to your relatives' difficult time without giving in to petty demands.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,664 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>skylark</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
How much consideration should I give them on account of my aunt's mother being in the final stages of cancer? She probably won't make it past February. It's undoubtedly a touchy time, even more so because my aunt and her mother are extremly close friends in addition to being mother and daugher. I don't want to make life harder for them... I just don't see why they should get to make my life harder because theirs sucks. Eh, that's what it means to live with people, right?<br><br><br><br>
How would you bring it up? Call and ask to speak to my aunt or uncle, and ask if I could speak with the person who requests I eat off the Roadhouse menu? Suppose they both deny it's them and refuse to say who it is. At what point is it polite to say, "Since no one is owning this, I will respectfully ignore that opinion."</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><br><br>
It seems strange to me that having someone sick in the family is a good excuse to treat others in the family poorly. They might be antsy or irritable, but this sounds like a deliberate problem with your actions from last year. It seems to me that this was a problem a last year, presumably prior to the onset of the illness.<br><br><br><br>
Perhaps what Seusomon is saying is best - to just ignore the hearsay unless someone contacts you directly with the complaint. Or you could always just pretend you knew nothing of the gossip and casually mention that you plan on doing the same as last year. But that may seem strange just calling out of the blue - I am not sure of what your entire situation is.<br><br><br><br>
Seeing as your grandparents are footing the bill, perhaps you could simply call them and casually mention that you are bringing your own food and see if they have any problems with it.<br><br><br><br>
Or just ignore the complaints, do what you did last year, and if it bothers someone - who cares? They're being petty about it. If they say something directly to you, you could make a comment about how your only other option would be to not go at all, but it is more important to you to spend time with family than to quibble over food. Maybe they will take the hint.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,929 Posts
First ((((((hugs))))))<br><br><br><br>
This was the story of my life with my extended family (both my side and Spidermans) every get together was about food at an unfriendly restaurant--weekly. Everyone wanting us to just order off ther menu and stop being difficult. We moved to another country to get away from all that---probably not at option for you.<br><br><br><br>
I would say because no one spoke to you directly, bring your own food and if someone says at the restaurant "Why did you do that--I hate it when you bring your stuff. Why can't you order like everyone else?" Smile sweetly and say "I wish you'd talked directly to me about this. but it is too late. Now I am eating my delicious food" and if they say "Well don't do it next time" you can say "What makes you so uncomfortable about this?" and "Sure if we go to a resaurant where ALL can eat then you won't have to feel embarrassed."<br><br><br><br>
I say, if they don't have the balls to talk to you directly...you just carry on and do your thing. If all else fails---move to the UK and then you can eat whatever you feel like.<br><br><br><br>
((((hugs))))
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you for the advice, everyone. I can't find it within myself to deny that I heard someone disapproves. My mother and another sister can both vouch I was told.<br><br><br><br>
Fyvel, actually, my aunt's mother has had cancer for years. She has far outlived what the doctors expected, but it's now just about time for her to go. It's not fair for family to treat other family poorly because of grief and impending grief, but it's not exactly uncommon. I've handled many a grieving family when I worked in nursing homes, and I know tempers flare quickly, irrational beliefs become set in stone, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,670 Posts
even if you can't find it within you to deny that you know, you CAN not care, or not do anything about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Who cares if they disapprove. Goodness, these people are so petty and small-minded. You don't approve of going to Texas Roadhouse and yet year after year you have went to keep everyone happy. Maybe they should just shut up and leave well enough alone.<br><br><br><br>
Sorry, but your family is really pissing me off!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>meatless</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
even if you can't find it within you to deny that you know, you CAN not care, or not do anything about it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Who cares if they disapprove. Goodness, these people are so petty and small-minded. You don't approve of going to Texas Roadhouse and yet year after year you have went to keep everyone happy. Maybe they should just shut up and leave well enough alone.<br><br><br><br>
Sorry, but your family is really pissing me off!</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smitten.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":smitten:"> I love you, meatless.<br><br><br><br>
I reluctantly told my mother I would call the Roadhouse. I agreed to do that much, so I should. I think I'll do that right now and hopefully talk with the same manager I spoke with last year. *crosses fingers*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
912 Posts
Tough one, Skylark. On the one hand, there are two parties who are "highly uncomfortable" (you and your sister, plus the mystery relatives) and it appears your two needs are at odds with each other. On the other hand, no one in their right mind (IMO) thinks that a plate of vegetables is an acceptable celebratory meal. My comment (out loud, at that) the last time someone gave me a place of vegetables and rice at a sit down catered dinner was "Gee, someone thinks I need more fiber."<br><br><br><br>
If this were my family, I'd be offended. The way my family communication system works, though, direct confrontation on issues like this is frowned on. So, I'd put the word out on the family grapevine that I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my vegetarianism, but I will be bringing food I can eat to the family get-together at the non-vegetarian-friendly restaurant, unless someone can give me a VERY GOOD reason I shouldn't. (And, since the restaurant OK'd the idea of you bringing in food and presumably would again this year, the reason would have to be very good indeed - liability of the restaurant, someone in the family deathly allergic to the smell of refried beans, grandmother will make a very loud very public scene about the disrespect her grandchildren are showing her, etc.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,260 Posts
Hi, Skylark. I think you are doing the right thing by giving Texas Roadhouse a call. While you are at it, give them the date and approximate time you will be there and ask if they will just go ahead and fix something for you. I am sorry that your family does not understand your being vegetarian and that they are holding a lack of diplomacy from years ago against you now. Family situations can be hard. When it comes to an extended family who understands I dont hold their exact beliefs, I am incredibly lucky.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,670 Posts
Well, I suppose it's not a bad thing to cover your bases by calling there, but if there isn't anything that's suitable then you shouldn't have to sit there and starve because other people feel "uncomfortable." They have no good reason to, and you have every reason to feel uncomfortable with the situation they're asking you to be in.<br><br><br><br>
They are acting like they're in junior highschool for crying out loud. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":rolleyes:">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,684 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I called the restaurant and talked with the manager. I worked off my list from last year (thanks to me including it all in my post last year) and he confirmed absolutely nothing on the menu has changed. Their policies of not doing special orders hasn't changed either. On the positive side, they're still perfectly happy to have us bring in food from elsewhere.<br><br><br><br>
Then I called my mother. No one answered, so I left a message.<br><br><br><br>
I'm still up in the air about what I will do. I know what I want to do: yell "Screw you!" in the faces of the family members I think are responsible and make a show of eating my yummy vegetarian food. But I won't do that. I also know I won't eat off the Roadhouse menu. If it comes to that or simply not eating there, I will eat somewhere else and come to the Roadhouse, but eat nothing. Or maybe order a large margarita. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br>
I want to pack my sister in my car, go somewhere we like, and the two of us show up separately from everyone else, stuffed.<br><br><br><br>
Should I call my grandparents, since they are the hosts because they're paying?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
385 Posts
Ack. I would just ignore the comment. Do what you HAVE to do. It's better you be there than not be there. They will have to deal with the fact your food has no carcasses in it. Sadly, they will have to deal with the fact that your food is yummier than theres. Or, do what I do. Call the resturant ahead, tell them whats going on and maybe they will make something special for you. Make sure to be all like "I'll tell all my friends how wonderful this place's service is. What a wonderful resturant" blah blah blah..<br><br><br><br>
OR.. as you suggested<br><br><br><br>
order a "JUMBO" margarita and just have a great conversation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,833 Posts
<span style="color:#008000;">Well, it sounds like you are proceeding the right way, Skylark. Calling the restaurant first and foremost is a good plan- making sure no changes have been made. Now that you've confirmed that none have been, I'd say it's a good plan to go ahead and have a chat with your grandparents regarding the issue. It doesn't hurt to open the lines of communication and help them understand where you stand.<br><br><br><br>
If nobody will budge or compromise, you and your sister should eat beforehand and then you can still show up. (And have a margarita <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> )</span>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
820 Posts
Now that you've called the restaurant, confirmed that there is nothing acceptable to vegetarians on the menu, and gotten permission from the management to bring in outside food, I would do exactly what you did last year.<br><br><br><br>
Is it possible that someone in your party was uncomfortable about the outside food because they failed to grasp that you had called ahead and received the okay from management to bring the food? If so, you could make sure to bring up in conversation that you had indeed called ahead. Other than that, if you want to spend time with your family at this annual event, I think you've gone above and beyond to work within their narrow confines since they are completely unwilling to compromise with you in any way whatsoever.<br><br><br><br>
I'm glad my family isn't like this. My mother announced that this year, they are just going to make the mashed potatoes with Earth Balance and Unsweetened soy instead of having me mash my own on the side and that they will leave the chicken broth and sausage out of the stuffing. She told me this with no prompting from me whatsoever. I thought it was the coolest thing she's done for me yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
684 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Well, since no one has come forward and talked to you about this directly themselves, I would say you and your sister are free to do exactly what you did last year. It's been OK'd by the restaurant, so it's not like your causing problems between the restaurant and the rest of the family.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I'd agree with that. There is no reason to change your behavior for them if they can't even come to you, and have to send their message to you through multiple people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,670 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Alli</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I'd agree with that. There is no reason to change your behavior for them if they can't even come to you, and have to send their message to you through multiple people.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Alli, could you tell skylark that I agree with you? But don't mention it was me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/tongue3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":p">
 
1 - 20 of 123 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top