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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I recently wrote an essay for english class on vegetarianism and I would love your feedback. My goal for the essay is to remove some of the factual evidence and replace it with more personal statements. I hope you can help me, I've worked on the essay for a while and really need new eyes looking at it. <a href="http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dgnwvrkr_1gwvdzg&revision=_published" target="_blank">Click here</a> to view my essay, it's published via google documents. Thanks!
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>KileyJane</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
I recently wrote an essay for english class on vegetarianism and I would love your feedback. My goal for the essay is to remove some of the factual evidence and replace it with more personal statements. I hope you can help me, I've worked on the essay for a while and really need new eyes looking at it. <a href="http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dgnwvrkr_1gwvdzg&revision=_published" target="_blank">Click here</a> to view my essay, it's published via google documents. Thanks!</div>
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I think it is a good essay, and I enjoyed reading it.<br><br><br><br>
But I don't understand your statement "My goal for the essay is to remove some of the factual evidence and replace it with more personal statements."<br><br>
I should think your goal would be to do just the opposite--supply more facts to bolster your conclusions, and supply some references.<br><br><br><br>
By "more personal statements" do you mean "testimonials" from VB members?<br><br><br><br>
I am not familiar with Google docs. It didn't seem to let me do anything with the document except save it as an HTML file.<br><br><br><br>
One suggestion I'd have is that you turn on Line Numbering in Word, and post the essay on VB as a Word document, i.e., as a message attachment.
 

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Excellent! And I agree with Joe that you specify where we cane help.<br><br>
Factory farm animals, who support [I/] - I'm not a native speaker, but I would have used which [I/] - which one is better?
 

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Oh oh, I love editing stuff. Would you mind if I copy and paste it, make some changes, and then post it again here for you to see whether you like the changes I make?
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Lothar M Kirsch</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Excellent! And I agree with Joe that you specify where we cane help.<br><br><i>Factory farm animals, who support</i> - I'm not a native speaker, but I would have used <i>which</i> - which one is better?</div>
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I would use 'which' since 'who' is used only for people. I think it's a great essay.
 

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Well I went ahead and edited it anyway. You don't have to use my changes of course, they're only my opinion.<br><br><br><br>
Here's my revised version:
<p> </p>

<span huddler_attributes="{"plugin":"attachment","params":{"id":"1366","name":"Kileyjane\\'s Essay.doc","description":"","size":30,"type":null}}" huddler_plugin="attachment">
<a
class="attachment loginreq" href="/attachments/1366" title=""><span class="file ">Kileyjane\'s Essay.doc <span class="details">30k . file</span></span>
</a></span>
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks guys! As for the which vs. who, I did that on purpose. I know that animals are usually not personified to 'who' but I wanted to make them seem more like humans than food. I am considering changing it but I like the feeling it presents as animals being 'whos'.
 

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Good point! Best leave it at who then! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>KileyJane</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Thanks guys! As for the which vs. who, I did that on purpose. I know that animals are usually not personified to 'who' but I wanted to make them seem more like humans than food. I am considering changing it but I like the feeling it presents as animals being 'whos'.</div>
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add a footnote explaining why you use 'who', drawing on Dunayer's explanation (in Language and Liberation)<br><br><br><br>
I always use 'who', deerS, etc. It's called poetic activism by critcal thoerists: e.g. playing around with the 'norms' of a language to make a political/philosophical point.
 
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