[Keelin]

I'm sick and tired of this. I want to be better and I want it now. I'm angry that I can't control this even though I realize it's not my fault. But I have no intention to go to my therapist in a week's time and grovel at her feet to please fix me. Talk to someone, that's find and dandy. But at this rate I'm going to be hospitalized and destroying my future before I have half a clue.

Thank you so much for all the support in the other thread. It's you guys that keep me trying to be strong. I know that there's no way I can get better in a day, but I'm going to try to recover- I've been letting this thing pull me down without even fighting back. I'm stronger than that.

Is there anyone around (preferably with AIM/MSN?) that could help me plan out a few realistic days of eating that I could attempt to follow (or even just some basic idea of what you eat from day to day!)? I need to be kept accountable somewhere or there's no way I'll be able to stay on the bandwagon. I've barely even eaten today and still feel fat (and I want the effing scale OUT of my home- I wish I could fling it out the window. Unfortunately, my dad is dieting- which of course really helps- and my family is oblivious, so there's no chance of that happening.). But I'm willing to try if someone can just give me a little push.

To start things off, I'm going to make my favourite soup and a PB&J sammich for dinner. Both are kind of 'safe' foods for me, especially if I measure everything, but they're much better than a dinner of raw veggies and orange juice. And then I am going to have something to eat (including actually calories!) before bed, instead of telling myself I'll gain 10lbs by morning if I let things slide that bad. I have permission to eat, you told me so and I believe you. I'm going to feel awful and fat but I'm going out after tea with friends to take my mind off it, and I'm going to journal and NOT refer to 'fat' as the way I feel. I'm at a healthy weight. I want a future.

Please give me a hand? If I have help I know I can make it.

I want to kick this thing so hard it won't know what hit it.

 

[Keelin]

I honestly have no idea how to eat normally anymore. So I've been brainstorming some things that would make good meals I think?

BREAKFAST:

• Cold cereal (All Bran, Kashi Puffs, organic corn flakes) with fruit or a fruit smoothie

• Oatmeal (with banana or cinnamon & raisins, with flax stirred in) with soymilk

• Nut butter or homemade strawberry cream chreese on toast or half a bagel, with fruit or a fruit smoothie

• Yogurt with fruit on top and toast or an English muffin beside

• A big fruit smoothie

• Fruit salad and toast, and English muffin, or cold cereal

• Cornbread with maple syrup and fruit

• Pita fruit bake and a glass of soymilk/orange juice

LUNCH/DINNER:

Add to all a veggie, a fruit, and soymilk/OJ.

• Baked beans on toast

• Baked beans & franks

• Nut butter & jam or fruit butter sammich

• Nut butter & banana sammich

• Soy deli slices, lettuce and tomato sammich

• Strawberry cream chreese sammich

• Cream cheese/nut butter spirals

• Sushi!

• Lettuce wraps

• TVP or refried bean tacos

• Bean burritos

• Soy deli slices rolled up with fillings

• Falafel, lettuce, and tomato in pita

• Spicy black bean dip in pita

• Apple, onion, and chreese on an English muffin

• Bean burger on an English muffin

• Chili and cornbread

• Soup and a muffin

• Sloppy lentils

• A big salad

• Trail mix

SNACKS/PUDDING

• Fresh fruit (with nut butter or soygurt dip if I want)

• Raw veggies (optional bean/ranch dip)

• Soygurt with berries

• Fruit leather

• Muffin or toast with jam

• Granola bar or dried fruit/nut bar (not too often)

• Luna/Lara bars (or homemade ones)

• Dried fruit/nuts/trail mix

• Fruit smoothie (banana, blueberry, strawberry, pumpkin- add flax/hemp)

• Chocolate pudding! (soymilk, cocoa powder, sugar, and cornstarch- I haven't had this in a good year.)

• Cold cereal

• Pita chips & veggies with hummus

I don't really know how to combine things to make a proper day (lots of the time I eat a decent breakfast and then just graze very lightly for the rest of the day to make up for it)- any advice? Those sound like pretty normal, healthy meals, right?

 

[GhostUser]

you need to add variety of vegetables.

I sent you a PM with infor!

 

[GhostUser]

You are allowed to eat.

You are allowed to eat.

You are allowed to eat.

And besides, you have already decided what you are going to eat, so it is not negociable. You are going to eat soup and a sandwich.

Saying it outloud helps: "I am going to eat lunch and it is not negociable."

I know how hard and scary this is. But I also know you can do this. You are brave and strong. Keep reaching out. Keep talking, even when the ED tells you that you aren't allowed to talk or to tell anyone how much you are hurting.

You are RIGHT to ask for help. You are WORTH helping.

What turned things round for me was when I realised that the voice in my head, the vicious cruel bullying voice that told me I was fat, disgusting, bad etc. wasn't me. It was the ED talking. And the ED tells lies. It lies because it wants to stay in control. My ED used to always tell me, "if people knew what you were really like they would hate you"... I felt like the worst person in the world.

This journey can be done, but its by focusing on fighting that voice rather than on what we are eating. The eating is a symptom of the mental torture that is going on inside our heads.

I'm not sure what to suggest about mealplans. I tried them but didn't get anywhere. The only approach that worked was to tell myself over and over that I am now allowed to eat what I want, when I want it, and as much as I want. I will eat until I'm full and then stop, no matter how much or how little that amount is. Its was terrifying because I had to let go of control, and I had to learn to trust and listen to my body. But in the end, its what is working.

I am here for you.

 

[Keelin]

Nutella, I love you. You have no idea how much you're helping me.

I did it.

 

[Pescas]

You're the green one, and the yellow one is the ED. You can beat it!

 

[Lothar M Kirsch]

Keelin, you have all the knowledge you need. One step after the other. One meal after the ofter. Keep going!

 

[GhostUser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keelin

I did it.

YAY!!!!!!!!!

 

[Libellula]

go you!

now, go do it again

 

[GhostUser]

We're here for you!!

 

[raddish]

How ya doin??

Eating lots of yummy food??

 

[Keelin]

I'm doing good

It's still very strange eating, but I'm rediscovering some things that I would've been way too scared to even taste a week ago. I have muffins baking in the oven right now!

I'm debating whether to still go see the therapist next week. (Yes, I'm a chicken.) I think that despite the fact that I'm not a quivering ball of panic she'll still be able to help me, as far as being triggered/set off again (seeing as that's happened in the past), soo... I'm still planning to keep my appointment. It's scary, though. But ha, everything lately has been a bit scary.

I'll do

Thanks again for the awesome support everyone has been. I hope you can know just how much I appreciate it.

 

[Libellula]

when i rediscovered ice cream..

it was an amazing sensation. i actually had forgotten how much i'd liked it..

keep it up keelin!

 

[raddish]

I remember the first time I ate breakfast cereal again- it was magical! I was addicted for ten weeks.. pretty much lived off the stuff lol!

 

[Mish]

Quote:

Originally Posted by raddish

I remember the first time I ate breakfast cereal again- it was magical! I was addicted for ten weeks.. pretty much lived off the stuff lol!

That's really funny you should say it - I thought I was the only one who had a ball rediscovering foods. PBJ sarnies, bread, bananas

and cereal definately. And Kettle chips

Keelin - you are doing so well

Just keep at it.

I kind of think of recovery like a great big monster of a rollacoaster. At the time - it's so scary and you don't know how much more you can take, but then you know that in the grand scheme of things you'll be fine and you'll get something out of it, even of you never want to do it again, you've done it, and no one can take it away from you.

Actually - I love rollacoasters, though, so I would want to do it again hahahaha....

 

[Groovy chick]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Keelin

I did it.

Well done Keelin!