Eat to Live VII: Eating Disorder Recovery Support

plnteater said:

Well I had a a bad Friday, I weighed in at 111.8...down everyone tells me I need to eat more but I feel guilty when I do.

Click to expand...

Naturebound said:

Just a quick update. My husband and I talked it over and decided on a different BWCA route than the one we had planned. The more we researched our initially planned route, the worse it seemed. The whole area was burned in a fire a few years ago. All the water is big water which is not our style and scares me to death. And the area is prone to bear stealing food packs. There have been numerous reports of bears entering campsites and bear encounters. So not only would I be worrying about wind, cold, big water, and so on, but bears too! So we were able to find a better route with smaller waterways and more intimate scenery. I am so relieved! The only downfall about this new route is there is a one mile trail right off the bat to conquer before getting to the first lake, which means a long haul of 3 40 lb packs and our 42 lb canoe. But we can do it in increments and there is only one group allowed at this entry point per day so we will be the only ones and won't have to rush so much. Once we conquer that portage the rest will be long narrow waterways and very little portaging. Another problem we ran into. We used to drive to the entry point the night before and sleep in our truck and get going at the crack of dawn. But the truck broke down and needs a ton of repair, so we are taking my smaller car. Well, it will mean no sleeping in the vehicle the night before. We tried to find a motel or campground reservation near our entry point and all of them are booked for next weekend due to some ultramarathon going on. The closest thing we could find is a small cabin 60 miles away. I guess it's better than sleeping upright in the car all night and then starting the day portaging a 40 lb pack over a mile lol.

It has sure been an emotional day for me, having lost my little bird the night before who passed away from old age. I miss him so much! The house feels so empty now, and I keep forgetting he isn't there to talk to.

I made myself put back on a few lbs I had lost for a while to build up strength and stamina for this trip. It's extremely anxiety provoking and I feel so out of my routine with everything lately, but I keep telling myself it will all be ok, this is just all temporary.

Click to expand...

5kRunner said:

Hugs to you, Windigo.

Something I read over the weekend made a lot of sense to me...when our parents didn't support us in the way we needed, is we have the opportunity now to re-parent ourselves. To be kind and forgiving, to be completely unjudging, to tell ourselves we are loved and worthy, to treat ourselves like we would our child. I dunno, maybe self-talk sounds corny, but it really has helped me get a grip on my sadness lately when remembering the awful things from my parents.

Click to expand...

Windigo said:

I felt inspired to give a little update here

Years ago I used to post here because I had issues with my body and food because of my narcissist dad constantly telling me I was fat (while I was perfectly slim) and controlling my food intake. When I went to live on my own I started bingeing all the ''forbidden' foods from my childhood and actually got fat, which made my internalised verbal abuse much worse.

For years I have struggled with my weight and steadily piled on the pounds because if anything I didn't want to be thin because I didn't want to be attractive to men like my dad.

Now since a year I've let go of my dad, and my self image has improved tremendously. The irony is that I am the heaviest I've ever been (250 lbs) but that is also because I've been on prednisone for 8 months now and have got the hormone disorder PCOS which both cause weight gain and all I do is sit around because I've been very seriously ill.

However, as stated before my self image has improved tremendously. I have been able to accept my body the way it is; I might be fat but there's a lot of medical reasons for that and besides I see it as the literal burden I took from my youth. Now I am working on my issues in therapy and have been able to face the problems I had with body image and food because of my past, and I have been able to accept myself and forgive myself for where I am now.

I am being gentle with myself, I have gone vegan and am slowly trying to adjust my lifestyle while not trying to force myself to be radical or lose x amount of weight in x amount of time because I know things don't work that way for me. I'm trying to be as kind and gentle to myself as possible and so far that's going well. I am happy.

I hope I can stay in this place no matter what the scale says

Click to expand...

Naturebound said:

You are such an amazing person! Even with all you have been through you still keep fighting for health and peace of mind. It gives me hope that you have been able to find peace with your body. Thank you for sharing!

Click to expand...

Naturebound said:

I'm sorry you have had such a rough summer too! HUGS I have been bingeing a bit lately too and it is so humiliating and embarrassing. When I am depressed or in a certain spot with my mind, I don't eat much or I restrict harder. So over the summer I had lost back down to 106 lbs from 113 lbs. Part of it too was "punishment" and some fasting. But then as this canoe camping trip has been looming ever closer I got really worried about how to handle the canoe and carry heavy loads and weather the cold and extreme temps outside for six days. I was worried about this particular trip because of the big water and wind and so on. It takes so much more strength and energy than forty minutes of lifting weights in a nice controlled gym. You literally have to rely on your body to get you and all your equipment over a long distance and then still have the energy to find firewood, set up camp, cook/dishes, pump water from the water filter, etc. So I pushed myself to stop restricting and start eating more and allowing for treats etc. And of course this along with all the anxiety with work and with the canoe trip planning and so on seems to trigger bingeing. So now I am back up to 111 lbs and it should be a good thing but I am feeling so horrified, especially about the way it happened. And it happened so fast that I am struggling with clothes fitting and so on. It's confusing too because I am so much more exhausted right now and feel less strong. But I am sure a lot of that is mental/emotional and getting through crises. My husband and I spent hours and hours yesterday repacking our stuff trying to shift the load some between the packs. And it still all seems so heavy. Ugh.

It's hard to live in a world full of omnivores. I am fortunate my husband at least makes an effort to eat mostly vegetarian at home and eats my vegan meals. But he likes his junk food too and I have to compromise sometimes with what vegan food I make to find something he will eat. If I lived alone I would eat differently. Less processed stuff. But maybe it's a good thing he forces me to be more flexible because I might go off the deep end on my own. :/

My Mom came over a few days ago and we celebrated her birthday. And she told me she wants to try going vegan again. She did it for six months a while back. But she eats gluten free and has diverticulitis (so no nuts/seeds/fruit seeds etc) and found it too difficult and went back to meat and dairy. She is obese but had lost a lot of weight when she ate vegan. She gained it all back and then some when she returned to meat. But she is also a binge eater. At any rate, I had mixed feelings when she told me she wanted to go vegan because it was all about losing weight for her. I guess it shouldn't matter, the reasons, but I just feel like using veganism as a weight loss tool is cheapening it. I didn't say anything though. I did ask her how she plans to overcome some of the issues she had before that caused her to go back to meat. She thinks she can handle nuts/seeds if she grinds them to powder and can get some nutrition that way. IDK. I tried to be encouraging of her, but it's hard too when I struggling with my own ED.

I always find it interesting the types of situations we experienced as children. I grew up with a Mom who was obese and was a binge eater. She also worked full time teaching, was earning her PhD, and dealing with my schizophrenic sister who was in and out of hospitals and halfway houses. My parents divorced when I was very young and my Dad struggled with his own profound mental illness so he could not be there much but always provided for us financially. I was the "good" kid who sacrificed her own needs to help everyone else. I kept everything inside and didn't share my feelings. I also witnessed the cruel comments my Mom's family inflicted on her about her weight, and comments from strangers. It horrified me. I felt so bad for her but also terrified of becoming overweight myself. I had so little self esteem and was very shy and afraid of everything. I developed avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety as a means to deal with violence from my older sister and with life in general. I'm still afraid of my sister to an extent. But we have tried to reconcile the past.

It's interesting then how I turned to restricting and exercise and was always obsessed with "healthy" eating and being active. But deep down I see the potential in myself to be a binge eater too. I'm sure hormones come into play, and long term restricting and damage to the body. I never binged until my weight dropped very very low, and then the massive animal like binges started literally overnight. Since then it has becomes more of an emotional crutch than a survival/instinctive thing. At least I think. No matter where I am on the spectrum of ED though, it is still hard to face and deal with strong emotions. Or with conflict and stress. I don't think I will ever be perfect at it and I am trying to let go of that and accept that I have my flaws and am human. My parents are in their seventies now and have been through years of therapy and life experience and they still turn to destructive habits to deal with life. But maybe the habits are not as intense. IDK.

Body image seems to be a separate issue. I feel so enormous at this weight, yet others seem to feel tiny here. I still think I have way too much body fat compared to others at a comparable weight/height, despite pushing myself with exercise and eating as clean as I can most of the time. I hate the way I am built and where the fat lies. It is really really hard to accept my body the way it is. Everything seems to be about image in our society, and vegan magazines are getting worse with all that too. I can't escape it anywhere, even on VB. If you are not athletic enough or eating clean enough you are nothing. If you aren't out there changing the world you are worthless. I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.

Click to expand...

Naturebound said:

I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.

Click to expand...

Naturebound said:

I just got back from my trip late last night. Thanks for asking!

The trip went fairly well. As I mentioned, we changed our route and entry point only one week before, and I am sooo glad we did! Even the smaller lakes we paddled and stayed on were "big" in some ways. The first morning we did have some wind and it was a little unnerving paddling but we went directly into the wind and while it was hard work paddling against, it wasn't as unnerving as it would have been if we had a side wind or quarter wind at the canoe. Overall we paddled four lakes totaling 5.5 miles one way and we portaged our packs over 4.5 miles one way. We used to go in six lakes/8 to 10 miles but then we never had a one mile portage right off the bat like we did this time. I was proud of myself for being able to haul a 40 lb pack on my back over the entire mile portage, up and down a rugged trail full of mud, rocks, tree roots, brush etc without once having to stop and set the pack down. Then I returned over the entire trail, picked up the second pack, and carried that one all the way across too. I did not attempt to carry the canoe, but to my credit I carried our fully loaded food pack halfway across the portage to help my husband out who carried the canoe across. So three miles total of carrying heavy packs before we even hit the water. By the time we got to Horseshoe lake we were too exhausted to fight the wind to the next lake over where we wanted to go. Horseshoe lake was a long narrow lake with fingers and it felt less intimidating than Gaskin would have, and I am so glad we stayed on it instead. Amazingly my husband didn't argue with me but was happy to stay on Horseshoe also. We stayed on the smaller lakes for day trips and never did go into Gaskin or Winchell lakes which are bigger, but that was ok with my husband too. More than not we did some hiking/bushwhacking behind our campsite way back in the woods and did lots of exploring. The weather was for the most part very nice. The one day that was really windy was when we hiked in the woods instead of paddling. Thursday we had pouring rain off and on all day with fierce winds kicking up for a few hours and then calming down to dead still and then whipping up again all day. When the wind would blow I would go in the tent and try to read a novel I brought along. My husband had put up a nylon tarp and we hung out under that and had a campfire going most of that day too. It was a struggle that day with my fears, and worse because the next day was our day to head out. I was so worried the weather would be that bad on the journey out. There were thunderstorms all day Thursday too, but we still saw several canoes out there on the water. All were big strong men though. I didn't see too many women out in the canoes but did see a few all during our trip. Thankfully the next day was sunny and calmer but still windy, though the wind was to our backs the entire way out this time which was awesome! It took us only six hours to get out and seven to come in so having the wind at your back makes things easier.

The week before, I ate a LOT to try to gain a few lbs and rev up my metabolism to withstand the weather and build up reserves/stamina for the trip, and I am glad I did because I used a LOT of energy out there paddling, carrying heavy loads, pumping/filtering all our water, gathering firewood etc. I had been worried about dealing with cold weather, but I never once got too cold at all, even when the temps dipped into the mid 40s F at night and when it was pouring rain Thursday. I wore rain gear (pants/jacket) all day that day and didn't allow myself to get too wet. I still felt guilty eating every meal, as I always do when I eat more than I am used to, but I ignored the thoughts at least temporarily. It is always easier to eat more when I am out on adventures like this than at home every day. And I ate a LOT. Surprisingly I only gained a tiny bit of weight, and most of that was my face and arms filling out a little. On a side note, part of my eating disorder involves food hoarding. I have this fear of not having enough food which is odd for someone who has restricted her intake for years. So of course we brought WAY too much food on our trip lol. I planned it all and packed the food. We had a large bear proof food barrel full of food and when we were out on the water, we talked to six men in three canoes who had the same food barrel we had and that one barrel was for all six of them for the same number of days! We did have our dog's food in there too but still. It was a bit embarrassing but also kind of funny. We still had it a third full by the time we went home. We did pack for an extra day of food too in case of being wind bound or something.

I am very very relieved the trip is over and we didn't have any problems. I'm not sure if I will do a trip like that again. I still had a lot of anxiety out there wondering if we would be able to get out safely. I also worried about anything happening to my husband because I don't think I could have hauled all that stuff out on my own. I'm also not as outdoor savvy as he is, and not as strong of a paddler. It took a lot out of me worrying and I did have trouble with food staying in me all through the trip as I had to do number two constantly due to my anxiety...and maybe a little because my body was not used to that much food. On the otherhand, I probably lived in the moment far more out there than I do at home, and I feel so at peace out in the woods exploring like a child. Waking up to a gorgeous lake every morning was awesome, and my husband and I had some bonding time, along with our dog Sable. She was terrified of the thunder/lightning, and me the wind, so we often consoled each other .

Another awesome thing. I found a really nice carbon steel knife in the lake someone had dropped, and gave it to my husband. It was still in great shape. Instead of using it to hurt or kill something, he used it to carve wooden spoons while we sat under the tarp by the campfire all day Thursday. My husband is an artist and uses his hands to create beautiful wood projects. He ate almost all vegan with me the whole trip except he did have a few hard boiled eggs for himself. At the end of the trip I asked him how his energy was and he said he felt strong and great and I said, "See, eating veggie all week didn't deprive you of anything did it!"

Click to expand...