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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a member of the Co-owners Board where I live. There are only four (women) of us and we deal, hand in hand with the official administrator with various aspects on managing the residence.
We have a monthly meeting where we discuss various issues and I am 'in charge' of
maintaining the garden and managing the firm that does the cleaning. I also have quite a stressful job dealing with difficult clients so going to an evening meeting is a bit of a chore for me.
In theory it is just a work group and it is voluntary work. One of the members who is a career coach takes her role too seriously ( Ms 'Know-All') and has decided to manage the group.
She comes across as a very bossy domineering person and always has to have the last word. From day one she has bugged me and has to have the last word if I disagree with her. Nobody else seems to mind her !

During the last meeting I made a suggestion concerning the cleaning firm. I asked whether there would be an objection if the district manager could attend our next meeting as we have just signed 2 contracts with them, and introduce her-self and talk a little about the firm. I thought that it would be far more agreable that we all get to know each other for our future relationship.
Not only did she disagree in a loud manner but tried to make me look inferior by talking to me as if I were a child.
I in turn,did not interrupt what she was repeating and said that it was getting a bit boring, repeating the same thing and got up and left in a quiet and polite manner. I just bid them farewell and left the room.
She was very surprised by my attitude as I don't normally really show my feelings about her bossy attitude and the others didn't intervene neither.

The following day she immediatley contacted me suggesting (after saying how much she appreciates me ?)that she would like us to discuss the matter. So tomorrow we have a meeting at 3PM.

Do you have any suggestions on how I should go about this issue as she really does bother me by her 'school teacher' attitude ?
I'm not a firm believer of 'telling all' when you have a bully that is trying to have the upper hand.

Thank you for any useful advise on how to tackle Ms Know-All !
 

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It's odd that nobody else seems to think her behaviour is bad or inappropriate. Maybe this is just a personality clash between the two of you, rather than her just being a bully or know-it-all?

In any case if you feel like she is on a power trip and is trying to bully you, you have to stand up to her. Not in an aggressive way, just don't let her manipulate you or get you to agree to anything you don't want to. Bullies can only bully someone if they can make them feel inferior or scared. Even if she does make you feel like that tomorrow, hide it and act calm and unflustered.

Also, decide what you want from the meeting before you arrive, or else she will be in control of it. She has initiated the meeting so has an advantage there, but you need to go in knowing what you want to get or you will end up unprepared and will probably feel manipulated afterwards.

Hopefully you can both work things out
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shyvas View Post

Thank you for any useful advise on how to tackle Ms Know-All !
Ms. 'know-All' has no problem working with the other members and the other members have no problem working with her?

That means, and I don't mean this rudely, that the only person anyone, other than yourself, is having a problem with is you.

That doesn't meat that you are the problem.

It does mean that finding out how the others are avoiding conflict with each other might be a clever agenda to take with you into your meeting though.
 

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Not necessarily. People often tolerate someone they dislike until somebody else is the first to call out their behaviour.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Savvington View Post

Not necessarily. People often tolerate someone they dislike until somebody else is the first to call out their behaviour.
Was that to me?

Part of the idea of the strategy I suggested is that it will quickly find which is which out.
 

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Well, you were talking about how they avoid conflict. I was suggesting that why might be the key factor, and if so, it may not be true that the others don't have a problem with her.

I imagine it would be easy enough to find out in either case, but then I'm sometimes more direct than other people find comfortable.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·

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Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

It's odd that nobody else seems to think her behaviour is bad or inappropriate. Maybe this is just a personality clash between the two of you, rather than her just being a bully or know-it-all?

She is domineering and I loathe her personality during meetings. In other circumstances she is quiet nice and a friendly person.

One of the members is a pal of mine. She is a retired army officer and always states that you shouldn't argue but listen. She did however agree with Ms Know-All and didn't think my idea was brilliant ! She normally doesn't say anything negative about other people and even if her ideas don't get MS KA's approval she remains silent.
As for the other member she is only a stand in member and has only been to 2 meetings so doesn't seem to stand up for her-self neither.

Another would be member who has since left the residence did at one time prepare an e mail to Ms Know-All saying that she would never be a member of the board as she didn't apprecieate her personality neither her attitude towards my-self. However the retired army officer told her not to send it !

Last year the Board had 3 other (men) members who were bullies and Ms Know-All had problems with them and needed me as an allie to get rid of them. Now she seems to have turned her bullying needs towards me. I have noticed that I'm the only one that stands up to her.
....ouch
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling View Post

In any case if you feel like she is on a power trip and is trying to bully you, you have to stand up to her. Not in an aggressive way, just don't let her manipulate you or get you to agree to anything you don't want to. Bullies can only bully someone if they can make them feel inferior or scared. Even if she does make you feel like that tomorrow, hide it and act calm and unflustered.

I was very calm and this made her lose control of the situation. As you say you can't bully a person that reacts by ignoring the other one.

Also, decide what you want from the meeting before you arrive, or else she will be in control of it. She has initiated the meeting so has an advantage there, but you need to go in knowing what you want to get or you will end up unprepared and will probably feel manipulated afterwards.

I agree, and that is the reason why I need some advise. As usual she will want to lead the discussion and use her 'appropriate' words that she always does as if she was a career coach when we discuss board issues.
Hopefully you can both work things out
It's not going to be easy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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Originally Posted by Clueless Git View Post

Ms. 'know-All' has no problem working with the other members and the other members have no problem working with her?

She may but the other two woman don't ever say anthing about her attitude. So, yes I may be the only person who does have a problem with her. I really can't tell at this point.

That means, and I don't mean this rudely, that the only person anyone, other than yourself, is having a problem with is you.

That doesn't meat that you are the problem.

No, but if I feel that I'm the only one that is feeling uncomfortable, I will have to leave the group


It does mean that finding out how the others are avoiding conflict with each other might be a clever agenda to take with you into your meeting though.
Yes, I was hoping for some kind of feedback but the other two girls didn't breathe a single word ! Strange for womand don't you think ? LOL
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
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Originally Posted by Savvington View Post

Not necessarily. People often tolerate someone they dislike until somebody else is the first to call out their behaviour.
That is often true too. Especially at work most people prefer to go with the flow...............
 

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Maybe ask yourself exactly what is causing the problem. Whether it's her tone, repetition, dominating the conversation, a general attitude of disrespect, etc. If it's something/s she can address, then let her know. You can't expect her to agree with you on things if she just doesn't agree, but you can expect her to express her disagreement respectfully. Then either she'll change or she won't, but at least you'll have given her a chance.
 

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It sounds like she just falls into that role habitually in some situations. I knew someone in marketing like that. He was really good at it, but the personality you put on to sell things had practically fused with his normal self so that you always felt like you were speaking to a diplomat or something, as though all you saw was some measured front he was putting on. In her case it's probably normal to go "business mode" when you have these meetings, as she feels like she's at work.

I suppose you could try telling her that and see if she can/will just revert to being a normal person there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
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Originally Posted by cornsail View Post

Maybe ask yourself exactly what is causing the problem. Whether it's her tone, repetition, dominating the conversation, a general attitude of disrespect, etc. If it's something/s she can address, then let her know. You can't expect her to agree with you on things if she just doesn't agree, but you can expect her to express her disagreement respectfully. Then either she'll change or she won't, but at least you'll have given her a chance.
Off course I don't expect her to agree on every issue but she disaproves over petty things.
All suggestions or requests I make have to have her authorisation. When I asked the members to review a note that I was going to put up asking residents not to pick flowers that had been planted. Her immediate response was that I should wait for a full two weeks until we had our meeting. Only to ask me the following question in front of the others ' Can you accept the fact that not everyone likes flowers'.
To me this is school teacher talk and not very helpful when there are so many tasks to be carried out. It may sound petty but I could go on and on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Savvington View Post

It sounds like she just falls into that role habitually in some situations. I knew someone in marketing like that. He was really good at it, but the personality you put on to sell things had practically fused with his normal self so that you always felt like you were speaking to a diplomat or something, as though all you saw was some measured front he was putting on. In her case it's probably normal to go "business mode" when you have these meetings, as she feels like she's at work.
I suppose you could try telling her that and see if she can/will just revert to being a normal person there.

That is exactly what I was thinking except for that she is not our coach but one of us.
I actually did the same thing that she does on purpose , by stating that as I had experience in sales and that it was an important element that the manager of the cleaning firm should meet the team. She told me in front of the others 'that I wasn't the the Head of the National Sales Union' !!!! As you can see she wants to steal the show.

I was also thinking the same thing about telling her to be her 'normal non coach' self during the meetings.
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shyvas View Post

Off course I don't expect her to agree on every issue but she disaproves over petty things.
All suggestions or requests I make have to have her authorisation. When I asked the members to review a note that I was going to put up asking residents not to pick flowers that had been planted. Her immediate response was that I should wait for a full two weeks until we had our meeting. Only to ask me the following question in front of the others ' Can you accept the fact that not everyone likes flowers'.
To me this is school teacher talk and not very helpful when there are so many tasks to be carried out. It may sound petty but I could go on and on.
That does sound frustrating, but I'm just saying if you can narrow your issues with her into a specific thing or things bothering you that you could make her aware of then she'd at least have the option of working on it. Whereas if you just express general frustration with her then she might not get it. Like when you walked out you said you were bored with her repeating things, but you didn't mention you didn't appreciate being talked to like a child.
 

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Invite Seven Seas to the meeting and record it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
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Originally Posted by Purp View Post

Invite Seven Seas to the meeting and record it.
I don't know what SS would say to Ms Know-All but I can only guess. Let's wait and see !
 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shyvas View Post

When I asked the members to review a note that I was going to put up asking residents not to pick flowers that had been planted. Her immediate response was that I should wait for a full two weeks until we had our meeting.
Possible response:

"I will put up a notice telling the people who don't like flowers that they have 2 weeks in which to pick them all then?"
 
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