[Veggiegirl]

My husband and I are planning to have children in the near future and when it was brought up to my parents my father said "I'm hoping for a grandson so I can take him fishing." My response to that was that I don't want that and our kids aren't going fishing. That's when everything blew up and became a big heated arguement. He said things like animals don't have a nervous system like we do

, the bible says it's ok (and my Mom pulled out the bible), I'll be the grandfather and have say in raising them too......and also went on to say that I shouldn't force my beliefs on my kids and that if they were at his house and saw him eating meat and wanted some that he would give it to them.....and that he will never back down from that decision. Not to mention said some very distastefull things about if it's a boy and he's vegetarian. He knows that I am planning on raising my kids vegetarian. I don't want to have to worry all the time when we have kids. Then he started on my husband, which is not a vegetarian asking how he puts up with me. My husband is very suportive which is great. I wish my father could respect how we want to raise our kids, my husband and I talked about it a long time ago and he has no problems with our kids being vegetarian. This discussion with my father was about 2 weeks ago and I was so upset about it. My husband said maybe he's just threatening to be that way and really won't do that. So it eased my mind for a while. But last night I was talking to my father on the phone and he brought it up again and said he will take his grandkids fishing and right away I said "I don't want to talk about it" he said it again and I repeated it and said I don't feel comfortable, he didn't say anything. But my father is very stubborn and set in his ways. My parents live very close to us, so there is a big chance that there will be problems but I don't want that to stand in the way of us having kids. If he feels so strong about that ....what else will come up (maybe even in front of the kids)? Has anyone else been in this situation and overcome it? It really bothers me and I could use some peace of mind.

Thank You

 

[nigel]

It takes practice, but the trick is not to argue. You're the parent - just say no. If you're firm with him, he'll gain respect for you as a parent of your child and probably not be so pushy.

 

[RiverGuna]

I haven't been there, but I want to support you! It is your choice how to raise your children not your parents. If my parents or inlaws wanted to sabbotage the way I am raising my children they would have very limited contact. I would only have them around the kids while you were there. I hope your father will see that his grandkids are more important than his own beliefs about parenting.

 

[Veggiegirl]

Thank you for your support. Well it wasn't easy for me to say, but I said if you are going to be that way then I won't bring them around. He said good, that if he can't take them fishing then he doesn't want us to have kids and he just as well not see them....it was probably from being angry, but there are many fun things to do without harming animals.

 

[GhostUser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by RiverGuna

I haven't been there, but I want to support you! It is your choice how to raise your children not your parents. If my parents or inlaws wanted to sabbotage the way I am raising my children they would have very limited contact. I would only have them around the kids while you were there. I hope your father will see that his grandkids are more important than his own beliefs about parenting.

I can't help, but I'm here for the support, too.

 

[Amy SF]

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Why is fishing so important to him, anyway?

 

[GhostUser]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amy SF

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Why is fishing so important to him, anyway?

I know it may seem silly, but I can understand why it's important to him. (Not that it's personally important to me.) I grew up fishing with my grandpa, and it was something that brought us together (as stupid as that may sound). I can imagine that if all of a sudden one day when I was younger said, "I don't want to go fishing anymore, because I don't like hurting animals," he would probably be hurt. Needless to say, I am against fishing and wouldn't do it myself anymore, but I can understand the importance of fishing to people who view it as a family "tradition" sort of thing.

 

[Koalaborg]

I can sympathize with you. I am due in November and have had a similar talk my my MIL about her wanting to take our child to eat fast food - my husband who isn't veggie but is in full support of raising our child veggie like me - backed me up on that. i think its just the desire to bond with the grandchild and parents don't like being told what to do from their child, even when the child is an adult. Just stay firm in your decision and offer alternate bonding experiences. Your father will have to decide which is more important, fishing or spending time with a grandchild and respecting your decision as the PARENT.

Good luck!

 

[Koalaborg]

I can sympathize with you. I am due in November and have had a similar talk my my MIL about her wanting to take our child to eat fast food - my husband who isn't veggie but is in full support of raising our child veggie like me - backed me up on that. i think its just the desire to bond with the grandchild and parents don't like being told what to do from their child, even when the child is an adult. Just stay firm in your decision and offer alternate bonding experiences. Your father will have to decide which is more important, fishing or spending time with a grandchild and respecting your decision as the PARENT.

Good luck!

 

[Ravenfire]

I find it very sad when people can only agree on one way to bond with their kids/grandkids. The men in my husband's family all bonded by hunting. And while my husband hasn't always been veg*n, he never had it in him to go out and kill and animal himself, so he refused to go. The sad thing is, he was always considered an outcast and never really got to bond with anyone other than his dad.

I second the suggestion that if your dad isn't willing to respect the way you want your children raised, you only let them visit when you can be there with them.

 

[delicious]

Your dad probably doesn't mean anything that he's been saying...he's probably just had the fishing dream in his head for a long time and now he feels sad, frustrated and powerless. I'd just let him blow off steam for a while.

Of course you are going to raise your children the way that you see fit. That is every parents right and responsibilty. And I'm sure he will be able to find non-violent ways to bond with his grandchildren. Bird watching perhaps?

There are a million things to do.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

[Bonoluvr]

Your dad sounds like a bully. Im sorry but he sounds downright mean. Who in the world would say you shouldnt even have kids and he wont see them if he cant fish with them?? what did your mom say to all this?

I cant imagine a parent being so hateful about something.

when you have kids you and your husband are the only ones who have any right as to how to raise them. it is your decision and yours alone. your parents have absolutely no say in the matter. period.

i would tell your dad that you are very sad that he feels this way but you are the one who will make decisions regarding raising your children not him.

 

[Thalia]

Did anyone point out the irony to him of saying parents shouldn't force their beliefs on their children?

 

[Elena99]

That is a very good point, Thalia. I didn't even notice that.

I think your dad will get over it.

 

[GhostUser]

my first thought was why he would only take a grandson fishing? but that's another issue.

my mom was like a mama lion when it came to me and my cousin (who she also raised) noone would mess with us-or face the wrath of The German Mother.

you see in the news all the time of the things a mother will do to keep her child from harm. the bond is that powerful.

my advice is to call up that strong maternal instinct and protect your child.

 

[Ayrlin]

Grand parenting is a privlage, not a right, just ask my parents.

They did not even get to meet my little girl till she was 6 years old, I'm her mom and I say how she is raised end of story.

 

[Veggiegirl]

Thank you everyone for your support...my Dad and I have always butted heads on a lot of issues...but when it comes to him trying to control my kids it really gets to me. He can't seem to let it go that I'm a vegetarian too, he brings it up every time I see him. My Mom has over all been supportive. But she has always been the referee in the family (between me and my Dad.) She was mostly taking my side when we were there, but the next day I talked to her she said "You will have problems if you try to raise your children vegetarian." And that they don't won't me to be a vegetarian. My Dad started talking about how I used to love certain foods. We went over there the other night for dinner and had a great time. He asked when we were going to have his grandson and I said I don't know. Then we started talking about something else.

 

[Bonoluvr]

"He asked when we were going to have his grandson and I said I don't know"

Gee, what is he going to say if you have a grand DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!

those comments really irk me.

 

[Elena99]

Yeah, really. When/if you do get pregnant, tell him that you're expecting twin girls.

 

[tearhsong2]

Tell your dad he will be more than welcome to play baseball, soccer, football, basketball, and/or hockey with either your boy(s) or girl(s), but he is not welcome to take them fishing or feed them meat. These are perfectly acceptable and "macho" things for him to do to bond with his grandchildren. Be very firm about it and don't back down--it's you and your partner's decision on how to raise your children, not your father's.

If he can't respect this, as much as it might be painful to you, you may need to sever ties with your father until he can learn to respect you and your beliefs. You will be the parent of your children, not your father. If he wants to be there to lend a supporting role, while being respectful of your beliefs, then let him know you want him in yours and your children's lives.