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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A month ago I got together with a friend I haven't seen in eight years. He has some problems, so I felt compelled to initially talk with him. We got together twice and the last time I saw him I told him to call me if he wanted to talk or do something again. Well I haven't heard from him in a month. I'm considering calling him but I don't want to bother him since it seems as though he doesn't have any interest in talking with me. To complicate the situation, I have a crush on him but I also have a boyfriend. I really like this guy as a person but am unsure if it would be smart to continue a friendship if I like him more than a friend while having a boyfriend. I don't want to give up on him, I'd like to give him one last chance because he's a great person he just has issues. What should I do?
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">I'm considering calling him but I don't want to bother him since it seems as though he doesn't have any interest in talking with me.</div>
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Well, you can't really know that unless you ask him. And that would require calling him. A conundrum.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">To complicate the situation, I have a crush on him but I also have a boyfriend.</div>
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Ok, so what are your real motives for wanting to contact him? Concern for him? Or just trying to keep your crush alive?<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">I don't want to give up on him, I'd like to give him one last chance because he's a great person he just has issues.</div>
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Why does it have to be all or nothing? One last chance? So if you don't call him now, you will never call him again?<br><br><br><br>
Why not give yourself some time to sort out your own feelings. Sounds to me like you might be confused as to what your motivations for wanting to contact him might be: concern? (good), selfish desire to stoke your crush (bad).<br><br><br><br>
Or you can just wait until he contacts you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
thanks, I appreciate it.<br><br>
No, I don't want to keep this crush alive at all. If anything I just wish it would go away so I could have a normal friendship. I guess I'll just have to get over the fear that he may not want to talk with me.
 

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If you wanted to ignore your crush you wouldn't want to contact him. You have to be honest with yourself, and not just say what you think other people want to hear.<br><br>
How would you feel if your boyfriend actively seek out a friendship with someone he had a crush on? It would suck right? You would know what his true motivations no matter what he tried to tell you. Figure out how much your current relationship means to you before you call this other guy.<br><br>
This other guy may realise that there is an attraction between you, but has decided to bow out in respect to your relationship, which would be a lot more than what your doing if you call him.<br><br>
I'm sorry I sound so harsh but I've been exactly where you are right now, and ended up really hurting someone that I cared for. I really regret making that phone call, it was a very selfish act on my part. I told myself all the little lies you're using to rationalize calling him but we both knew what was up. We got together "as friends" and I eventually let it lead to other things. I betrayed someone I loved because I wanted the high you get from persuing a crush.
 

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If I were in a committed relationship, then I wouldn't. It's just best, you know? If you are not in a serious relationship, then you should be free to do what you want.<br><br>
Maybe you have some question about the relationship you're in?
 

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i would say call him<br><br><br><br>
I've had two male friends who i've had crushes on and generally the more time i spend with them the more my crush fades. If that doesn't happen then maybe your suppossed to eb with him instead of your current partner. If you do decide this make sure you break up with your partner before anyhting happens
 

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Maybe you, your crush, and your boyfriend could get a group of people together and hang out? I don't know if this would help you compare/contrast these two males.<br><br><br><br>
On the other hand, that sounds more like social manipulation. I dunno...
 

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well, i probably wouldn't call him. it's just one of those things. you stated to him that if he wanted to see you or talk, he should call. you left it open ended. he hasn't called, so he must not want to talk, right?<br><br><br><br>
so then, you look to the more self serving reasons of calling him. you want to see him. doesn't really serve him so much, as it seems he doesn't care to see you either way. If it doesn't serve him, then why disrupt his life? and also, why further complicate your life by possibly creating tension with your boyfriend regarding this crush.<br><br><br><br>
now, in our relationship, my husband and i talk about crushes all the time. who we have a crush on, why, what attributes of that person we want to aquire for ourselves (that's usually what crushes are, btw--people who personify qualities that we ourselves want to embody!). WE often discover that crushes are more about who and what *we* want to be, rather than who and what the other person truly *is* and whether or not we want a relationship with him.<br><br><br><br>
For example: i have a huge crush on the terribly unattainable viggo mortensen (aragorn, lord of the rings). There are many logical reasons why a relationship with VM won't work--not to mention that i don't even *know* the guy. But, i told my husband about it. And he's so helpful. sends me info on VM and stuff. I read it, sometimes, but what i found that i like about VM is his successes as an artist, writer, all around reniassance kinda guy.<br><br><br><br>
then i learned that *i* want to be that talented, that cool, that successful. granted, i'll be the girl version, but same difference.<br><br><br><br>
hubby has a crush on jennifer garner. so, i look out for things about her for him. He likes how she's tough and smart and cool in the alias show and stuff (even though he never watches the show--he's seen a few snippets). he wants to be tough too--that's why he has a thing for strong women, or portrayals of strong women.<br><br><br><br>
and then, we look at each other. In many ways, my husband has many of the fine qualities of VM. he's good looking, he's sensitive, he's a successful writer, he's a musician. And above all, spiritually driven and compassionate--things that i value every highly. For him, i'm strong and stubborn and very much the balance between both strong and stubborn while still being sensitive and vulnerable.<br><br><br><br>
so, i find that when i have a crush, there are qualities of the crush that i wish to embody. What is it about "this guy" that you want to embody? And, if you look to your relationship, does it already exist there? You may be surprised at what you find.<br><br><br><br>
And, i don't know if your boyfriend can handle talking about crushes. If he can't, then honor that as well. Just ask yourself those questions. and keep right on treating him right. If an answer comes that you should no longer be with your boyfriend, honor that and let him go before starting another relationship. it's the right thing to do in that situation.<br><br><br><br>
Be well and happy!
 

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"A month ago I got together with a friend I haven't seen in eight years. He has some problems, so I felt compelled to initially talk with him"<br><br><br><br><br><br>
"To complicate the situation, I have a crush on him but I also have a boyfriend. I really like this guy as a person but am unsure if it would be smart to continue a friendship if I like him more than a friend while having a boyfriend. I don't want to give up on him, I'd like to give him one last chance because he's a great person he just has issues. What should I do?"<br><br><br><br>
Ut oh. I read this post and all sorts of red flags went up. "I don't want to give up on him, I'd like to give him one last chance because he's a great person he just has issues. What should I do?"--Oh no....you have the curse. He is interesting to you because he has problems. My X was interesting to me because he had problems and I thought I could 'help'. I ended up in a very bad/nowhere marriage with him for seven years because even though yes he did need help....sigh...he didn't want help. He actually enjoyed/enjoys the drama of 'having problems.' And in the end, he decided to choose another set of friends who 'had problems' rather than his wife and his daughter. We had great sex (and people with problems generally do make GREAT sex partners), but it never moved beyond him and his problems (people like this are generally interested in just themselves and are very self centered). This didn't really bode well when we had a child together...as he still wanted everything to always be about him.<br><br><br><br>
After I was out of this relationship and 'free'. I didnt' really know what to do with myself. I'd devoted our relationship to 'helping him cope'...and found afterwards that so much of my time had been 'freed up' that I was kind of bored until I actually found a life of my own that didn't include a problem partner (still doesn't, and hopefull won't ever...I would very much like eventually to find a healthy whole partner).<br><br><br><br>
I would seriously, if I were you take a look at your current relationship. What's good about it...do a pro/con list. Decide if you want it to continue. Realize that your life can be whole and fulfilling even if it doesn't include a boy.<br><br><br><br>
Don't call this person who talked to you, said he would call and didn't. Why would you? He's already sort of proven that he can't be depended upon to sustain even a friendship with you. And your conversations with him seemed to revolve around him and his problems...which granted may be very exciting (for a while but not long term believe me). That's not a kind thing for you to do to yourself...allowing yourself to be a lapdog for another person (meaning you make all the attempts toward friendship while the other person sort of sits back and does nothing)...or a problem solver...taking responsibility for another person's problems is never a good idea.<br><br><br><br>
I wish you luck in finding health and happiness for yourself. Whatever that means. But I personally (and again, this is mho) think that health and happiness will not include this person.<br><br><br><br>
Good luck,<br><br>
B
 
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