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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, well my bro's ex broke up w/him thursday night, they were dating for like 5 months, got engaged, i'd become good friends w/her and her best friend. I still want to stay friends w/her and her best friend, but I just don't know the right way to go about that. I'm upset w/how she ended it really for no reason, but I'm not gonna judge w/out full details on her part.

What I'm wondering is, how long should I wait before I start talking to them again? Is it wrong to stay friends w/them? I know I should talk to my bro about how he feels about it, but considering how he is I'm not going to bring it up to him yet. I don't know the proper way to go about this. I just want any opinions/experiences anything on this subject & feel free to ask any questions. Sorry this is vague, but I wanted to keep it short.

Thanks!
 

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well, i think that you should talk to them right away and tell them that you want to continue a friendship, but you're unsure of the timing so you may have to wait a while to call them and get together. that way, they know where you stand and will be expecting you eventually.

to the other issue, i think it's hard to say where the line is drawn. when my best friend broke up with her boyfriend who had become good friends with my DH and I (and my DH has few male friends who are cool like that), we told them both that we were gonig to stay friends with both, but that anything said about the other was not going to be shared with the other and that essentially we're staying out of it.

we also acknowledged that this would cause pain to both of them and that we were sorry for it but that it would pass as they work through their grief in breaking up.

but, the difference is that you have a blood relation here. this may require more 'siding' than with other relationships--but i don't know. I am really good firends with one of my sister's ex's but we were friends before they dated which also changes the situation.

i also don't know how close you and your brother are. but once you start hanging around with his ex consistantly, i recommend you let him know. you may have to wait a few weeks while he works out his hurt and frustration.
 

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Blood has got to be somehow thicker than water in this case. Your brother just got dumped by someone he loved enough to get engaged to. that's gotta hurt - a lot. He's going to need you.

this is a girl you've known for only 5 months. I think your relationship with your brother must be more important. I agree with Zoebird for certain: you need to talk to them both (your brother, first!) and take cues from them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Me and my brother are very close, (so close that the best "man" at his wedding is gonna be me-something that he's always said-they hadn't planned the wedding or anything yet). He actually called me up right after they broke up and I went and stayed w/him right away. He's definitly #1, and I'm definitly gonna be there for him 110%, I'm actually going to head back to his place today to stay w/him because he's not doing good. He's got a lot of stress in his life other than this, I've never seen him this bad before. He lives 2hours away, and for him to call me past 2am and ask if I'd go up there- that's not something he'd normally do. I left out a lotta details in my first post, prolly some important ones. But yeah, my bro is definitly my concern, just the friendship thing w/his ex was something that crossed my mind and I figured since I'm not gonna be home much for I dunno how long w/no internet that I'd try to get some advice and start to figure out what all I'm gonna do. Sorry if this is long or doesn't make sense or whatever... cats are being annoying and distracting and pulling the monitor cord out!!!!! grrr @ them....
 

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Me too. Glad your brother is #1 ;-) I'd have a hard time maintaining a friendship with someone who hurt my brother as much as this girl seems to have hurt him. Friends are important, but they aren't so rare and hard to find that its worth complicating your relationship with your brother to hang out with this girl. YOu sound like a wonderful person and you wont have trouble finding a new social circle :)
 

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I don't go for the Blood is thicker than water idea. I also don't think that people break up for no reason. Something about the relationship was not what one/ or both of them wanted-- you just dont know the full story. Is this a reason to turn your back on someone you claim is a friend? I would continue to be friends, but never ask any embarassing questions about the relationship. I know lots of people who go out with one person who leaves them and remains friends with everyone involved. Very few people I know end up living with or hanging out with their brothers-- A persons social network needs to be large-- and dumping as few people as possible is the way to create a large social network.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah, the whole no reason thing... I heard from one of my bro's friends that his ex has had a tendency to break up w/ppl once it gets serious. OMG, I've tried to respond to this a million times and keep getting distracted every time, plus my heads a bleeping mess... *sigh* bare w/me... but yeah I mean, his ex and her best friend, we're just all soo compatable, and I don't have many friends at all... just my bro, my dad, my best friend and my bf... so I was soo happy to meet them and be friends w/them. (i'm socially deprived, lol-true story) omg, ok, I know I either said too much and/or left a lot out, but nothing will seem to leave me alone today!!!! so I'll just post this no matter whatever.... *sigh* bleep bleep bleep....
 

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I think in most cases it might not work out to keep the friendship, at least not without letting a good chuck of time pass. It depends on the personalities involved, and on the circumstances of their break-up, also.

My best friend's brother and his fiancee broke up a couple of years ago; the lady in question was a close friend to us both. Most of my friend's family sided with the guy on the "my-family-right-or-wrong" principle, but she (who is an extremely strong-minded individual!) said, "Look, it's mainly his fault that they broke up, and even though he's my brother and I love him, she's my good friend and I'm standing by her as well. If you can't handle it, it's your problem."

It was awkward for a while, but now all parties get along well, including the formerly engaged couple, and the would-have-been mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
 

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I think one of the things wrong with the man/woman relationship is that once you break up with someone, you should cut all ties forever...or expect your family to do so. You cared enough about a person to be with them for a period of time...but then it's over, and you what....never have anything to say to that person again? This would suggest you were never really friends with the person in the first place...and that ending the plan of lifelong commitment was a pretty good idea.

This way of doing business makes no sense to me. Yes, relationships often do not work out. I just don't get why people skulk off for the rest of their lives and pretend that really important relationship didn't exist.

That said, I think that you should be friends with this person you care about. I think you should let your brother know that this person is still a friend, and just because the relationship ended doesn't mean you're willing to write the person off as a human. I think you can be friendly and caring towards both people....

b
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
TY all for the advice. I just got back from staying at my bro's, and his ex actually dropped by while I was there alone (she was looking for her phone charger) I was a bit worried at first that the subject of my bro was gonna come up, but it really didn't. I know that she wants to talk to him, I'm not sure exactly about what or how that's going to go, so I figure I'll kinda limit my contact w/her, and not talk to my bro about me staying friends w/her until they talk and then go from there.
 
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