[freebird]

so, my best friend is going through a divorce. she has a 1 year old son. a few months ago, she moved in with my husband and i so we could help her get back on her feet. we are only charging her $100 a month rent, and $10 plus and minutes she goes over on her cell phone (we already had the extra line on our plan that we weren't using). she has her own room for her and her baby, and before she bought her car, she was able to use one of our cars whenever she needed to. all we asked her to do was clean up after her son (he gets into EVERYTHING) and clean the bathroom once a week. my husband takes care of everything else around the house. im only home about 6 hours a day, including sleep time, so i don't have time to help out. (it's lucky i have such a great person around to support me

).

i'm starting to feel as though she's taking advantage of a good situation. today is greg's day off, and he's spending it cleaning the apartment. she's out with her new boyfriend, and hasn't been home all weekend. we've tried to call her to ask her to come home and help him clean, but she hasn't responded. she also hasn't paid rent this month yet, which was due on the 5th. there are toys all over the house. little ones, that keep getting chewed up by our dogs, and presenting a possible choking hazzard for them. there are dvds all over the floor from a week ago when her son went on a rampage and took all the dvds off the shelf. we have some really eclectic pieces of art all over the floor that he has pulled off the tables and shelves. there is a sticky mess all over our very nice dining room table that has been there for days from when the baby was eating. there are flowers that she got from her guy literally rotting in my very expensive pottery barn vase (that we recieved as a wedding gift). we recently got a citation in the mail from one of those traffic cameras from a day when she had the car. the ticket is in greg's name b/c that's who the license plate is registered to. our cell phone bill for the last 2 months has been $100 dollars over the normal bill. she's still only paid $10 for it. this is a consisitent situation.

if we pick up the toys and put them in her room, she gets offended. if we put them in front of her door, they stay there for weeks until they get pulled into the living room again, and left there. the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month, and i'm pretty sure there are animals growing in the toilet. i keep telling greg not to do it because she needs to be the one to do it. if he does it, she'll just take that as a hint that it's ok that she has no respect for the people who are doing everything they can (and struggling in our marriage and financially because of it) to help make her life easier. and i know for a fact that if this was her apartment, it would never look like this.

we've tried to talk to her several times, and everytime, she says she'll take care of it. once, she got so upset that we pointed it out that she said she was going to move out. i REALLY wouldn't mind her moving out but i dont want her to do it because she's mad at us. i don't want this to ruin our friendship, but i'm supposed to be studying for midterms right now, and i can't focus enough because i'm so upset that she's doing this. i don't want to point out to her that we do so much for her because i don't want her to feel guilty about everything we do. i don't know how to tell her that i feel like she has no respect for us or our property. i'm just so dadgom frustrated!!

any advice??

eta: something else that drives me crazy: she cooks meat in our pots and pans (we are both veg*ns) and leaves it there. i don't mind (ok, i do, but i deal with it) her using them, but don't leave it there all day for greg to come home and clean up. gross.

 

[Elena99]

"i don't want this to ruin our friendship"

From what you said, it sounds like she doesn't really value this friendship very much. Either that, or she somehow doesn't realize how selfish she's being. Who takes care of her kid when she's out all this time?

She IS planning on moving out, right? Start asking her if she's found any good places yet, or if she's planning on looking at any apartments that week. Let her know that you don't want the friendship ruined, but you're obviously not compatible for living together.

 

[freebird]

she has lots of babysitters. she used to just leave him in the living room with us and go in her room and lock the door for hours, but we put a stop to that really quick.

i feel bad asking her to think about moving out when she's always stressing about how little money she has. our apartment is $1000/month, and we don't live in the greatest area. she struggles to pay the $100 she's supposed to pay. i don't want her to get a place and then get evicted the next month, ya know?

 

[Chrysalis]

Well I've had roommates, but never ones I was friends with prior to living with them so my advice may be a bit harsh, but . . . why not just tell her what you just told us? That you feel she does not respect you or your property. Write down what you want to say to her before confronting her so you don't get side-tracked or forget what points you want to make. If she says she'll "take care of it" ask her WHEN, and agree on a deadline for her to "take care of it" by. Otherwise she'll just put it off forever. If she isn't going to respect the rules you have in your house, maybe tell her it WOULD be a good idea for her to move. And then help her set a moving-out date (in writing!). It may not be desirable for her to move out because she's mad at you, but the friendship could be ruined if she doesn't leave. I can understand wanting to help a friend, but if it's at the expensive of your marriage, finances and your schoolwork, is it really worth it?

 

[Thalia]

I bet part of this is she has the stress of the divorce, and she has this new boyfriend to take her mind off things, and we all know how a new boyfriend in this situation can make a person act out of character. Perhaps this is how you can frame the situaiton if you sit down and talk to her. But I always favor doing a talk during a casual time, like while cooking together with no one else around, instead of dragging them to the couch and saying, "We need to talk" *shudder*

Let her know that you know her to be someone you can trust and you are wondering if there is something you need to know about that is keeping her from holding up her end of the bargain. Say that you know that when you came to an agreement that she intended to keep her word, and you are worried because she is acting out of character. Emphasize that you want to find a way to help her that doesn't put a strain on the friendship because you care about keeping her as a friend. Emphasize that you want to be able to keep helping her son through this difficult time and find a way to keep from having to stop helping.

ETA- After thinking about it, she's been a big jerk already. I still would give one last "nice approach" but I think it's time for you and your husband to decide on a bottom line with dates and criteria that she has to meet. I would also take her cell away, just let her know you guys can't afford it.

I hate to say it, but I think it's rare for people to do things like give a place to stay, loan money or whatever for a friend without it at least temporarily damaging the friendship. I hope yours makes it through.

 

[Chrysalis]

A couple more things I'm a bit confused about . . . if she has her own car, why are you stuck with her traffic ticket? And the phone thing, if she has a cell phone why are you stuck with her phone bill? Seriously, if those things are in your name I would just restrict her access to them since she is obviously abusing the priviledges you and your husband have given her. Or maybe warn her before cutting her off. Geez it's like disciplining a child, lol but you have got to cover your own ass first. Don't kill yourselves helping someone who doesn't seem to even appreciate it.

 

[thebelovedtree]

Right now she is the one ruining your friendship and also straining your marriage and financial situation. I would have very serious talk about what needs to change and when or when she needs to move out. It sounds like you've gone above and beyond the normal requirements of friendship and she should be doing a lot more for you guys. If she can't pay her bills, etc. she could at least clean up extra.

 

[freebird]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starblossom

A couple more things I'm a bit confused about . . . if she has her own car, why are you stuck with her traffic ticket? And the phone thing, if she has a cell phone why are you stuck with her phone bill? Seriously, if those things are in your name I would just restrict her access to them since she is obviously abusing the priviledges you and your husband have given her. Or maybe warn her before cutting her off. Geez it's like disciplining a child, lol but you have got to cover your own ass first. Don't kill yourselves helping someone who doesn't seem to even appreciate it.

.

the ticket she got was when she was using our car. we got the ticket because the camera got a pic of our license plate. she's paying it, but it's on our insurance, and our insurance is already outrageous. she didn't have a cell phone, so, rather than get a landline, we just let her use our extra line. (greg's a teacher and had the line for students to call if they needed tutoring on homework--they never used the line). the first month it was super high, we told her we'd let it slide, but that after that, she'd need to pay anything over our normal bill. this month the bill was $260!! i used 327 minutes, greg used 155, and she used well over 1000. we told her we expect her to pay that bill, but we haven't seen any money yet.

 

[sf.girl]

Tell her she has 30 days to find a new living arrangement. End it now before it gets worse. I'm sorry if I sound cold about it, but she is taking advantage of your kindness and friendship.

After spending years of my life as the one who always gets taken advantage of, I see things a bit different now. I do hope things work out for everyone involved.

 

[Marie]

Like I always say.. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

[Elena99]

Quote:

Originally Posted by freebird

she has lots of babysitters. she used to just leave him in the living room with us and go in her room and lock the door for hours, but we put a stop to that really quick.

i feel bad asking her to think about moving out when she's always stressing about how little money she has. our apartment is $1000/month, and we don't live in the greatest area. she struggles to pay the $100 she's supposed to pay. i don't want her to get a place and then get evicted the next month, ya know?

I see what you're saying, but she's still behaving really badly. She's in her 20s, I take it? What about her parents, are they around/willing to help her out? Does she have any sort of education, or was she dependent on her husband for money?

 

[GhostUser]

noone can take advantage of you without your permission.

 

[Nishani]

That's not a best friend you have living with you, that's a bludger

 

[MRSSHF]

Like someone else said, "No good deed goes unpunished."

Over the years, we have helped several friends who were in dire straits with free housing. In every case, no matter how clear we were with expectations, we were walked over and disrespected in a variety of ways. We have never received any type of thank you, and most of the time, the people who were sponging off us ended up getting angry when we suggested that it might be getting to be time to move on.

Here's the most recent instance of how well people get paid back for their good deeds:

My husband works out of town a lot, and I've recently discovered that I am pregnant. His winter job that he will be starting around the 15th of November will keep him away from home at least 5 days a week until May. So he asked a friend who is currently not working if he would come stay with us for the winter rent-free in exchange for helping out with light housekeeping, taking the dogs to vet appointments, running occasional errands, doing light maintenance, etc. In exchange, I would cook for him and pay him a small stipend so he would always have spending money.

This man has lived at our home in the past rent-free for extended periods of time. The first time, he was so obnoxious that it almost ended our friendship. The second time, having actually learned his lesson, he was a pleasant roommate, which is what led us to invite him to come help me out.

The only thing that changed from the time he lived with us before and this time was that I no longer allow meat in the house, and we told him that beforehand. However, I was willing to purchase meat for him when we ate out, and then there was the stipend I was paying him for whatever meaty thing he wanted to go out and eat. He never complained about the rule or anything else.

He stayed for approximately 10 days during which he mostly sat around playing X-Box (which was fine with me because I didn't have anything for him to do), then on the day before the first day I was really going to start needing him, he moved out while I was at work without telling me. The next day, I had a prescription delivery that I was counting on him to be home for because the package had to be refrigerated. The day after that, I had an appointment to get my dog spayed, and I was counting on him to drop her off. Then, over the weekend, I had plans to go out of town, and I needed him to be there for the dogs.

Needless to say, I had to cancel or rearrange all my plans, and I now have no one to help out over the winter. This is my repayment for housing this guy for free twice in the past and my husband's repayment for being a true and loyal friend of over 10 years to this man.

At this point, I pretty much feel that people suck, and the next friend in dire straits can just motivate himself to the nearest homeless shelter. I think I'm going to stick with rescuing dogs. Terribly attitude? Absolutely, but if anyone has a positive experience rescuing a person, I'd like to hear it, because I haven't heard one yet, from anyone, ever.

 

[meatless]

Wow I can't even imagine how anyone could be so rude and disrespectful as what's being described in this thread! If someone bailed me out like that I'd be eternally grateful. I too would like to hear a positive story, so I don't end up concluding that needing to be bailed out and being an ass are mutually exclusive.

 

[Daral]

I'm also pretty surprised. It's impossible for me to imagine any of my friends behaving like that. Personally, I probably wouldn't take it; I'd definitely be authoritarian about putting that behavior down.

 

[Jennifer N]

You say you don't want to hurt the friendship... but friends don't silently resent each other. It sucks, but you have to say something. Plus, it's not good for her to not be held responsible for her actions. Since cliche's are a theme on this thread, "you have to be cruel to be kind."

 

[Jessica Alana]

Screw that. She's not a friend. I'd tell her she has 7 days to be out. And to stick with the cliche theme, "SUCK IT UP, SOLJA!"

 

[delicious]

I don't know, you haven't posted anything about what a great friend she is, so we only have half the picture. She must be a heck of a friend for you to put up with her recent behavior.

 

[freebird]

yeah, she is...she was one of 3 of my about 10 of my extremely close friends who didn't forget my b-day. she threw me a surprise party. in every other way, she's a great friend. emotionally, she's always there for me. she'll sit up all night talking me through something when she has to be at work at 6am. she's truly my best friend; she's just a crappy roommate.