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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm becoming an official stepparent of two boys, 5 & 6, on the 24th. They've been living with us since my fiancee' got custody of them a year and a half ago, so there won't be much of a transition for any of us except for my last name changing.<br><br><br><br>
I guess I'm just looking for others to share experiences with. I've got friends with children, but don't know anyone to talk to about being a stepparent.
 

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I'm currently dating a guy who's got a kid and if things continue to progress as they are, I'll be a stepparent in the not-too-distant future.<br><br><br><br>
Do you have specific questions or concerns or do you just want a place to blow off steam?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Hey muppetcow,<br><br><br><br>
I guess I just want a place where I can blow off steam. Not any big deals, really, but it's always nice to be able to have support. You know?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I'm very serious with a man with 2 young children and a borderline clinically nuts ex.<br><br><br><br>
Hun, if you need support, just talk to me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
My fiancee's ex-wife is also borderline (if not on the line), clinically nuts. We haven't heard from her in three months now, which has proved to be a bit hard on the kids. They're getting used to her being selfish, though, but still. I a lot of ways, I think they're better off not seeing her. She's never worked a straight job in her life and is 26 years old. All she knows is stripping and selling drugs (the former which has landed her in jail). She tells the boys to lie, has fights with her lovers in front of them that include violence, and is a chronic liar. I don't think she can even tell reality from her own lies anymore.<br><br><br><br>
On the bright side, I get along great with the kids. They respect me, look up to me, and love me. Mother's day was "my" day to them for these past two years, and they can't wait until I'm officially their stepmom. So, I'm very lucky that way. I think it helps a lot that they were very young when we first started dating (2 & 3 years old).<br><br><br><br>
We're bringing the older one to a counselor right now because he's been having a lot of problems at school. His intelligence is far above normal for his age, but his maturity is at a four year old level, so it creates a lot of behavior problems for him. He's a sweet boy, but it gets very stressfull having to pick him up from school every day and hear that he had another bad day.<br><br><br><br>
His brother has a lot of problems with his speech. His mother drank and did drugs while she was pregnant with him, so we're pretty sure that affected him. He also has a bad attention disorder.<br><br><br><br>
It all gets very overwhelming at times, but I love my fiancee' very much and have come to love the boys, which more than makes up for the tough times. I truly believe that love can get you through anything. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
Anyway, that's part of my stepmommy venting. Thanks for the support!
 

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Flower--I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, but it sounds like the kids are MUCH better off with you than with her. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother--you're more of a mother to those kids than she'll ever be.<br><br><br><br>
I'm lucky 'cause the guy I'm dating has a really good relationship with his ex and their daughter is pretty well adjusted. She's only 4, though, so who knows what will happen down the road.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the words of support! I agree, I do think our whole family is better off without her in our lives. It just breaks my heart when I hear the older one say things like "I don't think my mom likes us anymore". I just keep reassuring him that it isn't his fault and that there is nothing wrong with him, that it's *her*. The other day I told him that I would do my best to be a good mom to him and that I would always be here for him, and he got very emotional about it. Poor little guy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/sad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":("><br><br><br><br>
You're very lucky that your man has a good relationship with his ex, muppetcow. You also hit the nail right on the head in that birthing someone doesn't make you a mother. I'm adopted, so I've more than lived that truth!<br><br><br><br>
Once again, thanks for the support. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"> It's much appreciated!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
May I give you a piece of advice? Please, in no way is this meant to hurt you, but rather to help you avoid some nasty things which could happen with your kind words.<br><br><br><br>
Don't say you'll be a "mom", just say you'll always be there. Also, don't say anything bad about her, even if he says it. Instead, say you dont understand why she's acting this way right now, but you're sure it isn't his fault and that his mother loves him. Let him find out for sure, on his own, if that's true. But don't validate his feelings on the matter.<br><br><br><br>
Why the difference? To adults, it just seems like a twist of words. But to a child, it means a world of difference. Children see their parents as gods; no matter what you do to them, they always want the parents love. I've dealt with girls who were sexually abused by their dads and, while they could say whatever they want, you couldn't say a bad thing. So, just a heads up.<br><br><br><br>
Also, you don't want to ever be heard saying anything negative about her. Never. Because the day WILL come that she'll come back into their lives and he'll fall in love with her all over again and he'll remember you blaming her. He'll remember that you didn't reassure him that his mother loved him. He will remember. And she, being the typical nasty *$(*%(& that some people are, will use that to manipulate him. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt, telling everyone else on earth to never do it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"><br><br><br><br>
I'm not picking on you, or saying you are doing a bad job. From experience, I just know it's best to keep completely and utterly neutral. Even to the stage of helping them make mother's day card for her when she's back into their lives.<br><br><br><br>
I know that giving birth does not make you a mother, but those children have to decide for themselves...when they are adults. They are simply not able to do that yet.<br><br><br><br>
/hugs<br><br><br><br>
It gets better. Or, so I am told anyways <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)">
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I completely understand what you mean. When I was talking to him and reassuring him, I did make sure to tell him that his mom did still love him, but that she just needed some time to work out her problems. Mike and I make sure to never talk ill about her in front of them, but our tongues sure do fly when they're not within earshot! She is the type of person that would twist anything around that she could and try to manipulate him to turn him against us.<br><br><br><br>
The "mom" thing makes complete sense. I tried to say it in a way where I was telling him that I would be more of a mother figure in his life rather than trying to replace her, but I do agree that from now on I should just stick with telling him that I would be there for him.<br><br><br><br>
Anyway, thank you for the advice. It always helps to see other's perspectives on the matter (thus me starting this thread), so please feel free to say anything you like about it. I won't take offense. I promise! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Of course, with adults you can say "I'm a better mother in my sleep then she will ever be." In fact, I encourage that LOL But to him, you must act like...if you and his mother fell off a boat and he was only strong enough to hold one of you up, you would let go, so his mother could live. Now, obviously if this ever happened, you'd be kicking the crap outta her to make her fall <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Very cool, Tame! I so admire people like you that adopt, especially being adopted myself. I heard that a process like that is a huge pain in the a$$ (but well worth it, I'm sure).<br><br><br><br>
The boys' mother still pays my fiancee' child support, so I'm sure she's planning on coming back into their lives eventually. I would gladly give up the $$$ if she would just go away for good. I'm sure we won't be so lucky. I just wish she would clean her act up and stop messing with their heads. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/mad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":mad:">
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block"><i>Originally posted by kristadb</i><br><br><b>Of course, with adults you can say "I'm a better mother in my sleep then she will ever be." In fact, I encourage that LOL But to him, you must act like...if you and his mother fell off a boat and he was only strong enough to hold one of you up, you would let go, so his mother could live. Now, obviously if this ever happened, you'd be kicking the crap outta her to make her fall <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)"></b></div>
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LOL! I like that, kristadb! I'm not a violent person, but I find that scenario strongly appealing...... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/grin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":D">
 

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! I know all you fabulous people wouldn't be like this, but I have so many friends who's step parents who treat them horribly, because they are vie-ing for the attention of the biological parent. Two of my friends are actually moved out of the house because of it, and its just a real shame. I guess thats pretty off topic, and no, I'm not a step parent, but its just some wierd little 2 cents...<br><br>
lovennutbutter,<br><br>
linz
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
What RBM is saying is typical of what happens when it becomes a power struggle. All the adults start to think it's a popularity contest; which kid likes me the best. My responce? Oh get over yourselves.<br><br><br><br>
A little background on my relationship. (This is where you'll think we are ALL nuts)...<br><br><br><br>
His ex still shares a house with him. Why? There is no where for her to live and she's too nuts to get a good job. She has a minimum wage job and they are trying to get her enough money together to get her a place, but there is no where to live in the city right now. 0% vacancy rate. She truely has no where to go. And, because she is the mother of his kids, he can't kick her out of the house. They split the house, upstairs is her apartment, downstairs is his and they share the kitchen.<br><br><br><br>
She is an American, but doesn't want to move back to the US, which I can understand. Her dad is sick (cancer) and her mom is equally nuts, so there isn't anywhere for her to go. We've tried to talk her into going home to stay with her dad for a few months; it would be good company for him to have her around during his treatments. But she doesn't know if she can handle that.<br><br><br><br>
The kids, 4 and 6, understand that mommy and daddy are not going to live in the same house. They understand that there is no other house in town for mommy to live in right now, that's why she's staying. If they want to visit mommy, they go upstairs with her. If they want to visit daddy, they go downstairs with him.<br><br><br><br>
The biggest reason I go along with this - something I won't say to even my BF - is that I fear her to be another Susan Smith. This woman is completely on the deep end. He has to leave out food for the kids to eat, or she doesn't feed them. If she does feed them, it's a chocolate pudding and a slice of buttered bread. She locks herself in her bedroom and doesn't come out.<br><br><br><br>
He is at the end of this, though. He wants her gone (obviously). I figured as soon as a place becomes avilable, he's going to rent it, move her stuff there and then change the locks on the door.<br><br><br><br>
She's had BFs (we think anyways) since they've broken up and everyone and their dog knows about us, but it's hard with her being around sometimes. I don't usually go over when she's there, as I want to call the local hospital and turn her in.<br><br><br><br>
She used to say bad things about me to the kids, trying to turn them against me. For a while, it worked. But, I simply said, "You don't have to like me, if you don't want. But, these are the rules when you're with me and daddy and you will follow them, or spend the night in your room." I've always been strict, but fair. They all had a talk and were told that it's ok if they like me, even if Mommy doesn't. After that, everything's been fine.<br><br><br><br>
They know with me, everything is always the same. The rules never change, depending on my mood. They get in trouble for the same thing everyday, not it's funny today and bad tomorrow. I'm the one they "tattle" to; I did this and I'm too scared to tell Daddy (so I go with them and start the conversation; typically it involves colored items on carpet) or "Mommy said this...but yestrday she said this..." and I explain that Mommy isn't feeling well right now and may have forgotten what she said yesterday, but I think she meant this. Go try that and see it that's what she meant.<br><br><br><br>
I suspect when they are 15, they'll be coming to me to help them dye their hair green and expecting me to break it to their father LOL
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Wow, quite a situation to be in right now, kristadb! Hopefully that woman moves out soon. You'll all be much better off. I've known people who separate and still live together "for the kids". Personally, I would be in prison for murder right now if I had to deal with that. You're a strong woman. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Nah, there are just ground rules. She accepts that they are not a couple and he agrees not to strangle her. She stays away from him and he agrees not to strangle her. Do you see a trend? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=";)"><br><br><br><br>
They're not living together for the kids. They both know the kids are best with him. I've alway thought that whole "for the kids" is a load of garbage and only serves to make miserable children.<br><br><br><br>
Still, I'm not tolerating this for ever. I'm at my end of her insanity and, frankly, dont care anymore if she'll be homeless or not. I don't care if she gets deported. Send her back to her country. I don't want her polluting mine anymore. But, with that said, as far as the kids are concerned, she is a good mother who loves them dearly, who forgets to feed them not because she doesn't care, but because she's not feeling well and can't. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":)">
 
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