I've been diagnosed with vulvodynia just recently and my lifetime mild depression is just increasing, I'm afraid it will turn into major depression. My painkillers for vulvodynia are tricyclic depression drugs, because there is practically no other types of drug for chronic pain. So, maybe if I continue taking the drugs, my depression will go away. However I already feel slight side effects after two days of using them (mouth is dry, feel sleepy) and I'm taking just 25 mg. Next week I'm taking 50 and after that 75 etc. until I will be taking 100-125 mg.
Good that I have drugs, but I feel so suicidal nowadays, that I keep thinking about killing myself. And with drugs it's so much more "easier" if you know what I mean. So, I'm actually scared that I now have these drugs here at home, because what kept me from doing it before was the fear of painful dying. Luckily I have first meeting with my psychologist tomorrow, so hopefully she can help me. Life feels just so hopeless, dark and gloomy place. I don't want to see my family anymore, or anyone at all, but I still yearn for communication with someone. I just keep having flashbacks of my horrible childhood and those things (as well as my chronic illness that perhaps cannot be cured by anything, which means I cannot ever have children, intercourse etc.) are the only thing that I think about, it's like obsession. I would just love to spend the whole day in bed, crying against someone's shoulder and hear them saying that I didn't deserve all this, that I'm a good person and that nobody should have a childhood like that and that I have hope in the future.