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Almost 3 years... and it's over

3846 Views 52 Replies 27 Participants Last post by  danakscully64
My boyfriend and I of almost 3 years (2 years and 8 months to be exact) just broke up. Actually, he called me, told me he didn't want to marry me, he wasn't in love with me, and it was over. Yes, very shocking to hear when you're half asleep. Then said that he had to go because he couldn't stand hearing me cry. I actually didn't start crying until we started chatting online. When he called, I had a bad panic attack. I started shaking from head to toe really hard, got really sick to my stomach, felt like I'd been thrown in a frozen pond, and had severe intestinal pain.

I've always imagined him being in my life, so I'm now stuck. A week ago, he told me that he wasn't sure about our relationship. He talked to his mother and brother and afterwards, he felt better. It took him 24 hours to come up with that and I had already spent the entire time crying. He's been distant and impatient for the last month, so I can't say I didn't see problems coming, I just didn't expect this. I told him that if we ever broke up, I wouldn't take him back. I'm giving it a few days, I'm not going to call him, and we'll see how it goes from there.

Mark and I have been through A LOT. We bought promise rings more than a year ago, we've been talking about marriage off and on since the beginning, we've talked about future plans, we've spent almost everyday with each other.

I think I'm a little shocked because I felt misled. Before he left tonight, he cuddled with me, gave me a massage, got ready for bed with me, spent time with my family all day, etc. Yesterday, he was even talking about taking me flying (he's a pilot) soon.

I think he needs to realize that while our relationship wasn't perfect, it was very good. He has unrealistic expectations sometimes. I also feel that he has a commitment issue, even though he denies it. He didn't have the best father in his life (he was emotionally abusive) either.

I could really use support... I need it now more than ever. Thank you.
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I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad
Oh, and he planned on breaking up with me over the phone... he took his JAG DVD's before he left my house.
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Really sorry to hear of your breakup. I know what it feels like only too well and it is really horrible. Just try and surround yourself with friends and family and don't be afraid to cry, long and hard if necessary.

So sorry danakscully...three years is a long time. It may take a while to get over it so just do the best you can. Try and keep busy. I know it sounds cliche and I'm not minimizing the pain you are feeling at all, but it will get better as time goes on if you let yourself grieve when you feel the need yet don't shut yourself off from other people, family/friends.
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Thank You. I didn't sleep last night (about 3 hours tops) and I'm so sick to my stomach that I can't eat
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I'm so sorry dana. I know the pain of someone you love not being able to commit/handle their problems with commitment. I wish I had something more profound to say right now,but that's all I got. So, big hugs instead.
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I think my next tactic is to play hard to get. I'm telling you, he'll miss my delicious vegetarian food very soon.
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I'm sorry that you're going through this pain. I think the best thing to do now is to acknowledge and feel your feelings. Also I highly recommend spending as much time as possible with friends and family who love you right now.

I've been through some extremely disappointing, painful breakup and in some ways I see it as a death that needs to be mourned. There are several losses one experiences in a break up. There are losses of dreams, trust, affection and intimacy. In many cases one isn't touched or held the way one was during the relationship. Give yourself some time to deal with these losses and react whatever way is right for you.

I think it's important to trust yourself during this time and don't second guess your actions during the relationship yet. You'll have plenty of time for that later on, for now focus on working through your feelings and dealing with the changes in your life.

I wish you the best and hope that you're able to look back at this difficult period as one of growth and the beginning of a wonderful new future.
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I'm sorry to hear that.
Drop me a line if you need somebody to talk to/vent.
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Ugh. I am so sorry hon'. Want me to hunt him down? I have a gun...

No, seriously, you've been given good advice here.

Try and get out, stay busy, do things, and as others have said, surround yourself with friends. Another thing that helps, seriously, is long walks. Alone, with a friend or with a furry pal. Best way EVER to clear your head!!

I know you have great friends here online, but you need to be around people in real life right now too - it's way to easy to immerse yourself in a cyber life after something like this and never re-surface. We love you, but your family and people around you do too and it's important to be around "real" people for support as well.

Don't do things that the two of you did (hang out at a certain coffee shop, watch certain movies, etc) for a bit, try and bring new routines and habits into your life in exchange for those things that were special to the two of you.

Get rid of things that remind you of him; Some people say throw them away entirely, but if you're terribly sentimental, at least put them away until you have fully accepted that things are really "over" and you can look at them without it being painful. (I still have gifts from past boyfriends - I'm sappy that way).

Let yourself mourn, vent, cry, get angry, whatever emotion helps the most. It WILL take a while, but it WILL get better too, I promise.

Stay in touch with us, we want to know how you're doing! :lots of hugs:
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Now that you've said it on here, if he goes down, you'll be a suspect. haha Otherwise...

I've tried staying busy. I got online after I got home from my sisters house and he IMed me to see how I was doing. That set me off and I started crying hysterically for more than an hour. I had to call him because I was home alone and I felt like I was about to pass out. We talked for an hour, but didn't really get anywhere. I know he can't change how he feels about me... but he could have tried harder to improve our relationship. He told me over the phone that he didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore and he's been feeling this way for a few weeks. I've been sick, so I haven't been there as much as I normally am for him. I just think it's a harsh thing to do when I'm going through a bad time in my life.

I even told him that I was sick of our routines. I told him to hang out with friends more, but he clung to me. It doesn't make sense... it's almost like he wanted it to fail. I feel like he didn't try to keep us together, he just wanted to take the easy way out and leave... after I put my heart and soul into it for 3 years.

When I talked to him, I told him that he just lost the best thing in his life. He now has nothing... no one to love, not a good job, and no certain career path. He's throwing it all away.

I have been talking to family, but it's been hard. I just want to talk to him now. Part of me is praying that he'll just show up and apologize. I really need that from him right now. This is just so... hard.
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It sounds like you are going through a really tough time right now. From your profile, I see that you are still somewhat young. I'm not sure how old your boyfriend is...maybe he was afraid of all the commitment and felt so much pressure to get married? I was with my ex for about 5-6 years and we broke up suddenly...I would have never had expected us to ever part, but it happened, and sometimes you can't explain these things. Looking back I saw that it was an unhealthy relationship and I'm okay with it now.

It's hard when you feel like you've put a lot of time and energy into a relationship and then it fails. I do think that you need more closure....and I know it only happened recently, so you need to give yourself time. I can only say that I hope you feel better soon, and you are stronger than you think you are. Take care.
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I don't know what to do... I JUST CAN'T STOP CRYING. It hurts soooooo bad.
Mark and I had an excellent relationship, that's why this is a shock. It's just too much to handle... the future plans are gone, I miss him, I'm so alone right now... It's hurting me so much to know that he's not really affected. I suggested commitment problems, but he said that's not it. He said he's been wanting to break up with me for a week, but didn't know how to do it. It just... hurt. HE COULD HAVE TRIED HARDER.

He came over today and we talked... things were okay... he stated that he doesn't see us getting back together... in the end, we left on a good note... then I started watching tv where they were talking about marriage... the water works won't stop!
Oh Hunny! I am so sorry! I hope you feel better soon and know that you're awesome, and it's not your fault. That said, watch out for the sisterly advice that's about to pour out....

Screw this guy! Don't talk to him- trust me that's just torture. Cut him off completely. Seeing him is doing nothing but feeding his ego and hurting you. He is not someone who should be part of your support group right now. If you need support come here, call friends and family but Do Not see him! After three years he breaks up with you on the phone!?!? You deserve better and he can go eat rocks.

I feel for you and wish you peace. These things can be so hard and I'm sorry your hurting so much. PM me if you want to vent
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The tears are there for a reason...I think you should just let it all out. You WILL feel better. If you can leave your house and go do something that will also help.
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