advice please (taking care of brother)

909 Views 6 Replies 4 Participants Last post by avocado, Dec 30, 2007

avocado

Discussion Starter · Dec 30, 2007

a while ago , i posted here that my husband and i started homeschooling my brother, adam(he will be 18 in a month). we started with a review of the last year he attended high school. he kept coming up with reason after reason why he "can't" do the work(cant we wait till after xmas...etc.) he finally said he cant do it because its "too hard". we asked him what is too hard? tell us, and we will help him with it. today he said he just doesn't want to do any schooling.

my family is only hurting the situation. my grandmother, who has a lot of political power in the house told me that i am wasting my time and we should just give up on adam.

my mom was supposed to pay for an online high school course, $150 and $50 a month after. she said she couldn't afford it. but she just got us about $175 in xmas gifts. i sad something to the effect of " arent some things more important than xmas and shopping, like perhaps adams education ?"

the response? "but we are xmas people! we love xmas!"(that was from my grandmother)

my mothers strategy is to do/say nothing and adam will grow up eventually.

my dad has virtually no political power in the house,he just wants to do whatever it takes to keep illusionary peace(no fights) and try to pretend things like this don't happen.

we offered adam a room in our house, but he is afraid to leave home. when we were kids we were told "don't go outside alone or at night, you might see a fox and get scared." so he is afraid of lost of stuff and never wants to leave that house because he feels safe there.

we are over 2000 miles apart. i don't know what else i can do.

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jeneticallymodified

· #2 · Dec 30, 2007

will he come visit you on a short vacation or two- where you don't mention him moving, but just give him some breathing room and let him be himself, but also where you take him out to see the sights, do menial about town stuff, and maybe accidently bump into a local kid or two his age, etc?

firstly, living somewhere else might not be half as scary when its a familiar place. secondly, i seriously didn't realise how mental my home stuation was until i'd spent a little time away from it, and how do-able living somewhere else was, so maybe it'd work that way for him too- it helped me a lot. being around sane people who just accepted me without any ulterior motives, guilt trips or steering was quite the eyeopener for me- after a few trips away, home seemed insane, and it rapidly inspired me to get outta my parents house.

i think its quite important that you don't push too hard. i imagine its incredibly difficult to not want to get him outta there, but if he's been pushed into being afraid, he'll probably react to more pushing by refusing to budge from whats safe (sounds crazy, but for lots of us, familiar-but-horrible 'safe' is way better than the unknown!) and you don't want to push him so hard that he backs away from you- you might be the only sane person he's got right now!

perhaps he needs to find the confidence or desperation to make a move on his own, with you as a stable force in his life- its kinda like my friend who left an abusive relationship- she really had to get to the point where she was ready to go, on her own- all i could do to help was be there for her, unconditionally- otherwise she'd never break the cycle, learn, change, and grow in herself.

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avocado

Discussion Starter · #3 · Dec 30, 2007

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoodedclawjen

will he come visit you on a short vacation or two- where you don't mention him moving, but just give him some breathing room and let him be himself, but also where you take him out to see the sights, do menial about town stuff, and maybe accidently bump into a local kid or two his age, etc?

firstly, living somewhere else might not be half as scary when its a familiar place. secondly, i seriously didn't realise how mental my home stuation was until i'd spent a little time away from it, and how do-able living somewhere else was, so maybe it'd work that way for him too- it helped me a lot. being around sane people who just accepted me without any ulterior motives, guilt trips or steering was quite the eyeopener for me- after a few trips away, home seemed insane, and it rapidly inspired me to get outta my parents house.

i think its quite important that you don't push too hard. i imagine its incredibly difficult to not want to get him outta there, but if he's been pushed into being afraid, he'll probably react to more pushing by refusing to budge from whats safe (sounds crazy, but for lots of us, familiar-but-horrible 'safe' is way better than the unknown!) and you don't want to push him so hard that he backs away from you- you might be the only sane person he's got right now!

perhaps he needs to find the confidence or desperation to make a move on his own, with you as a stable force in his life- its kinda like my friend who left an abusive relationship- she really had to get to the point where she was ready to go, on her own- all i could do to help was be there for her, unconditionally- otherwise she'd never break the cycle, learn, change, and grow in herself.

that sounds like a really good idea. he hardly ever wants to leave the house, so i don't know how we would get him to come out here, but its worth a shot.

thanks

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jeneticallymodified

· #4 · Dec 30, 2007

does he have any hobbies/interests you could use as a lure? i dunno... like a w.w.f. wrestling tournament or monstertruck event or some 'thing' happening near you that he'd like (thinking of things that'd lure teenage boys that i know off a sofa, hehehe). you might have to go pick him up, or you could even start small, like with some local weekend trips nearer to his home, but i definately think getting him outta there is do-able.

good luck

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Huckleberry

· #5 · Dec 30, 2007

I think you need to find out the real reason he doesn't want to leave the house. Most 18 year olds think they are all grown up and don't need to be hand held to leave the house so something is definitely wrong. Your brother could just be extremely lazy. But, I think it is possible that he may have depression as well as anxiety. He may be afraid to tell anyone about how he really feels because he is embarrassed and worried no one will believe him. I am just guessing from what little you have described of him. I have read so many posts on http://www.socialanxietysupport.com that sound a lot like him: young men that don't leave the house, that have quit high school, that lack ambition, with no view to their future.

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zoebird

· #6 · Dec 30, 2007

you could also just accept that he's making choices (as is your whole family), and that he can choose another way if he wants, or not.

that is, this is his karma.

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avocado

Discussion Starter · #7 · Dec 30, 2007

adam has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, he hates taking the meds. he was really into football and was on the team at school but quit because it made him nervous. he also likes guitars and wolves.

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