[Moechalatte]

I just read something about adoption under another thread and it got me thinking <br><br><br><br>
I decided a long time ago that I was never going to have any biological children. I want to only adopt Id like to adopt children from various countries for many reasons to help the children who are otherwise typically forgotten and so my children will hopefully have a greater respect for diversity and understand that love has nothing to do with color, culture, status, etc.<br><br><br><br>
But I have gotten a lot of criticism for this, such as: your children wont feel a strong enough bond to their family if theyre all so different, you wont have that mother-child connection to adopted children if youve never had a biological child first, theyll have to deal with a lot more teasing throughout childhood, youll be taking children away from couples who want to adopt because they arent able to have children, youll end up regretting that your children arent really yours because they dont bear any resemblance to you and dont have a piece of you and your husband, etc the list goes on and on.<br><br><br><br>
So Ive been wondering how everyone else feels about adoption in general? What do you think about some of these criticisms? Do you think its selfish to only have biological children or maybe that its selfish not to have any biological children?<br><br><br><br>
Id love to hear how everyone else feels about this! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">

 

[Tame]

I think that adoption is a much tougher road than many people realize, and that going into with the thought of doing anything other than finding a child to love and raise as your own is seriously misguided.<br><br>
They are children, not a political or cultural statement.

 

[Moechalatte]

I'm not trying to make a statement. I want to do what I feel is right. There are just so many children out there who need good homes ... why bring another child into the world when I can give children who are already born and living in horrible conditions a good home? I don't know... that's why I'm asking I guess.<br><br><br><br>
I grew up in a family with adopted siblings - I know a lot more about how difficult that road is than a lot of people.

 

[faded_amaranth]

Well I haven't heard of a shortage of baby girls in China being tied to buckets for hours because there aren't enough workers or diapers to go around, so I don't think you would be taking children away from other people. The supply and demand for the perfect, healthy, white newborn might be out of balance, but there are always going to be children with special needs, older ones, and ones from other countries that need loving homes. As for the no special bond, it is not like you can accidentally adopt a child, there has to be some desire to want a child, which isn't always the case with biological children and their parents. One of my classmates was Korean and his parents are Caucasian, and he loves them very much. The sister of the woman I stayed with in Spain, adopted a little Chinese girl, after having to other kids (I assumed they were hers biologically) and they all seemed to have that special relationship. My cousin is also adopted, and it turned out that she looks like her mom.<br><br><br><br>
\tYes their lives might be harder than if you had kids the old fashion way, but if they were not adopted I bet their lives would be a lot harder.<br><br><br><br>
\tI'll only see it as selfish if that person adopted only because she did not want to get fat or have stretch marks. And maybe all that money used to adopt to kid could have been put towards college instead for one that has your eyes.<br><br><br><br>
\tI heard this saying the other day, and it sounds right to me "those who have children walk with God, those who adopt live with God". I don't want kids at all, but if for some reason I did, I would with out a doubt adopt. I don't think it is wrong for people to have children biologically if they want them, but I could not bring a child into this world knowing that there are so many abused, neglected, unwanted, or starving children already here. Maybe I would feel differently if I had any inkling of maternal instinct.

 

[spectrum42]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Moechalatte</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
But I have gotten a lot of criticism for this, such as: your children wont feel a strong enough bond to their family if theyre all so different,</div>
</div>
<br>
I know many families with adopted children, some with children from 2-3 different countries, and none of them seem to have a problem with this. There is diversity of some type in every family, whether it is racial or centers more around personalities and interests. What is more important are the things that make them a family.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">you wont have that mother-child connection to adopted children if youve never had a biological child first</div>
</div>
<br>
Are you hearing this from people who have adopted their first child? I sort of doubt it is coming from someone who has experienced bonding problems.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">theyll have to deal with a lot more teasing throughout childhood,</div>
</div>
<br>
I think all kids deal with teasing about something. You might be able to predict what the teasing will be about though (adoption, looking different, etc) and try to prepare the child ahead of time.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">youll be taking children away from couples who want to adopt because they arent able to have children</div>
</div>
<br>
The orphanages aren't empty yet! If the world ever gets to the point where every child has a loving family, wouldn't that be wonderful? When that happens, it would be a good time to address this concern.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">youll end up regretting that your children arent really yours because they dont bear any resemblance to you and dont have a piece of you and your husband, etc the list goes on and on.</div>
</div>
<br>
I think my children will feel like they are 'mine' whether they look like me or not. Parenting is about so much more than physical appearance. When I think about my own parents and that 'piece of them' that I have, it isn't physical characteristics that come to mind first. It's things like phrases we say the same, skills that I learned from them, interests and ideas that they taught me, etc.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">So Ive been wondering how everyone else feels about adoption in general? What do you think about some of these criticisms? Do you think its selfish to only have biological children or maybe that its selfish not to have any biological children?</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
In general I think that adoption is a great way to form a family, just as having biological children is a great way. Neither should be taken lightly or just jumped into -- but with adoption, that's not really even a possibility. (LOL) I don't see either way of forming a family as being selfish.<br><br><br><br>
Just my 2 (or 3?) cents. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":bow:">

 

[karenlovessnow]

I cannot speak from personal experience, but my cousin adopted a baby boy from Russia 9 years ago. I can't imagine anyone having more of a bond/love for a child than she has for her 'son'. And he looks just like his dad!

 

[MaryC1999]

I think, like having biological children, it can be either or both depending on the circumstances.<br><br>
My mom has cousins that were adopted as infants. They're happy.<br><br>
I also had the opportunity to be part of the lives of two special kids for a while. They've each been adopted out into different homes now, both homes were family members, and they're doing well but for a while they had quite a difficult life.<br><br>
You should never believe you're doing the adopted child "a favor" and there are lots of older kids in this country who need homes. Going to other countries to adopt babies to have diversity in your family seems, odd, to me.<br><br>
Mary

 

[Tame]

Mary hit on what I thought was odd as well. That is what I meant by making a statement.

 

[Tesseract]

I think if you truly want a child and if you're putting the needs of that individual child first, adopting one of the many "less desirable" children out there is a great thing. It may well be tougher, I don't know, but that alone doesn't prevent it from beng worth doing. Sure, choosing to adopt an Asian baby as some kind of status symbol so one cay say, "Look how socially advanced I am; I have an Asian baby!" is a really dumb idea, but then there are lots of really dumb reasons to have biological babies as well.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>MayC1999</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
You should never believe you're doing the adopted child "a favor" and there are lots of older kids in this country who need homes.</div>
</div>
<br>
Mary, can you clarify this statement? I'm having trouble figuring out which way to read it.

 

[Ludi]

I'm very in favor of adoption, realising it is very difficult, but I support it more than I support the idea of biological children. For myself, I won't be having either biological or adopted children.

 

[GhostUser]

I don't think Moechalatte meant the reason for adopting children from different backgrounds was to have diversity in the family.<br><br><br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Moechalatte</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Id like to adopt children from various countries for many reasons to help the children who are otherwise typically forgotten and so my children will hopefully have a greater respect for diversity and understand that love has nothing to do with color, culture, status, etc.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I read this as : "I would like to adopt children from various countries <i>for</i> <i>many reasons, and</i> <i>as a result,</i> my children will have a greater respect for diversity, etc..."<br><br><br><br>
Sorry if I'm wrong, Moechalatte. I'm just trying to explain for Mary and Tame how I understood you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/smiley.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">

 

[Bonoluvr]

There are a lot of kids right here in this country who are "forgotten" and need good homes from loving people. I dont think you have to have diversity within your own family to teach respect for other cultures and races and you certainly dont need that to teach kids that love doesnt depend on color culture etc.<br><br>
what i find sad on this board is the number of posters who say they will never have kids ..........i understand having children isnt for everyone, but most of the people i have encountered on this board are exactly the kind who should be having kids.....intelligent, educated, caring people.

 

[raw jess]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>faded_amaranth</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br>
\tI heard this saying the other day, and it sounds right to me "those who have children walk with God, those who adopt live with God". I don't want kids at all, but if for some reason I did, I would with out a doubt adopt. I don't think it is wrong for people to have children biologically if they want them, but I could not bring a child into this world knowing that there are so many abused, neglected, unwanted, or starving children already here. Maybe I would feel differently if I had any inkling of maternal instinct.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/yes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":yes:"><br><br><br><br>
I think it's great you want to adopt. I think if I had the desire to have children, i'd adopt. Except, as it stands, I want to experience pregnancy and breast feeding, then I dont want the kid anymore. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/laugh.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":lol:"> So I'll refrain from having any.

 

[raw jess]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Bonoluvr</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
There are a lot of kids right here in this country who are "forgotten" and need good homes from loving people. I dont think you have to have diversity within your own family to teach respect for other cultures and races and you certainly dont need that to teach kids that love doesnt depend on color culture etc.<br><br>
what i find sad on this board is the number of posters who say they will never have kids ..........i understand having children isnt for everyone, but most of the people i have encountered on this board are exactly the kind who should be having kids.....intelligent, educated, caring people.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I've always thought, and moreso as of late, that it seems the ones who SHOULDN'T be having children are mostly the ones having them.<br><br><br><br>
NOTE: I don't mean ALL. There are plenty of great parents out there!

 

[MNM03]

Moe-<br><br>
I never wanted my own children either. However I also did not want a baby. I wanted to a adopt a special needs child or adult child or at the least become a foster parent. I think the same why about why bring more into the world type deal? These older children are often the forgotten ones and its heartbreaking. I don't think anyone would change my mind as I have thought this since I was about 10, I am 24 now. My best friend and her sister are from India and they were adopted into a all white family. I can tell you I have never met someone more close to her family. They treat her wonderfully. Anyway basically I think all the "points" can be true but it depends on the people and the situation. Nothing is always true in cases like there, there is exceptions. I say go for it but maybe be more open to older children or disabled children as white babies are most common to be on the waiting list for adoptive parents and it can take a even longer time.<br><br>
Oh and my aunt is adopting children from Ethiopia. She has just begun the process for international adoption. We are very excited, and I for one will not treat them any differently. They will still be my cousins. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/wink3.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="">

 

[Tesseract]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Bonoluvr</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
what i find sad on this board is the number of posters who say they will never have kids ..........i understand having children isnt for everyone, but most of the people i have encountered on this board are exactly the kind who should be having kids.....intelligent, educated, caring people.</div>
</div>
<br>
It is kind of a problem. All us caring people are erasing ourselves from the gene pool by failing to reproduce! I have perfectly selfish reasons for not wanting a child, and I remind myself that my brother has two, and the rest of my family's genes seem to spreading just fine without my help!

 

[Ludi]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tesseract</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
It is kind of a problem. All us caring people are erasing ourselves from the gene pool by failing to reproduce! I have perfectly selfish reasons for not wanting a child, and I remind myself that my brother has two, and the rest of my family's genes seem to spreading just fine without my help!</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
I think caring is probably a learned behavior and not genetic. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/images/smilies/book2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title=":book:">

 

[MaryC1999]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Tesseract</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><br><br><br><br><br>
Mary, can you clarify this statement? I'm having trouble figuring out which way to read it.</div>
</div>
<br><br><br>
Hmm..Well I guess what I mean by "a favor" is really that I can't stand the attitude that you're adopting the child to 'save' them from a horrible life as an orphan and you're giving them a gift by opening your home to them.<br><br>
In all honesty, I believe both children and parents give each other many gifts throughout the years but unless you would feel like you're doing a biological child a huge favor by offering them the gift of a home by birthing them, which is twisted, you shouldn't feel that way about an adopted child. You should adopt a child for the same reasons that you would have one. I guess, to me, saying you're giving some huge gift to a child you adopt is sort of insulting. You give to charities, not to children.<br><br>
Probably doesn't make much more sense. I guess it's just how I feel. I don't think you're doing the child a favor so much as sharing your life and love with them.<br><br>
Mary

 

[Sevenseas]

<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Moechalatte</strong> <a href="/forum/post/0"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br>
Do you think its selfish to only have biological children or maybe that its selfish not to have any biological children?</div>
</div>
<br>
I dunno, but only adoption has the possibility of being an altruistic act.

 

[astro]

I don't really see a great deal of difference between adoption and having your own biological children. Both have the potential to be either selfish or selfless acts depending on the personality type and motivations of the parent or parents involved.