|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|05-03-2016 09:29 AM|
|ocrob37||I try to keep an open mind and accommodate other people but definitely see the points that were made. I guess if someone is asking to stay at your place then they should abide by your rules. You also make a good point about McDonalds. I have no problem changing my opinion if someone points out things that I did not consider. ; )|
|05-03-2016 09:27 AM|
|05-03-2016 03:29 AM|
I've never felt a part of my family and it's hard for me to understand family ties that are binding and not supportive.
Sounds like the three of you are a pretty good family!
|05-02-2016 10:56 PM|
|05-02-2016 06:23 PM|
He's been going through counseling, just like I have, to try to get better self esteem, and our counselor backed him up on his choice to accept that they weren't worth his time. It hurts, but he thinks it's for the better.
|05-02-2016 06:08 PM|
|Joan Kennedy||Aliakai, how is Deyna holding up? What a miserable experience that had to be, and I'm thinking pretty much devastating for him. At least people who are upfront mean, in a way you can see coming for miles, you know where you stand and what you need to do.|
|05-02-2016 04:37 PM|
The only way I could the reverse being a comparison would be if the refrigerator were to be filled with raw veggies. Or even in a paleo house demanding to bring seitan. In all my time here I've only known vegans to talk about bringing tupperware containers to heat, maybe requesting that butter not be used. I've never known a true carnivore
|05-02-2016 01:47 PM|
I shouldn't have to tolerate that kind of BS in my space.
|05-02-2016 10:51 AM|
I have a vegan kitchen, none of us are allergic to milk or eggs or meat or honey, but that doesn't mean I would allow people to bring that stuff in. They can eat my food as my guests, or go drive through McDonalds and eat it in their car.
|05-02-2016 10:41 AM|
|05-02-2016 12:26 AM|
|Pirate Huntress||Yeah I get that too... Non vegans complaining when vegans won't buy them animal products. Go figure.|
|05-01-2016 09:59 AM|
|05-01-2016 06:42 AM|
|Shallot||Aliakai - I'm so sorry to hear the visit didn't go well. It sounds like she'd already made up her mind to be difficult and wasn't going to make any effort to get along. There's really no helping a situation like that but I hope that you and Deyna are ok.|
|04-30-2016 07:55 PM|
For everyone wondering how the trip went, she was demanding and rude almost the entire time, though I thought we had the food situation ironed out after the first day. I wrote a blog post about it, hopefully you guys can let me know what you think, but in the end she was entitled and I don't really want a relationship with her.
She left her purse at our house after she went to go stay with his brother and demanded we come home immediately to return it, even though we were almost 45 minutes away in the city running errands at a shop that closed shortly. They squatted in front of my house for several hours trying to guilt trip Deyna and I into coming home early, even after we had offered to let them know when we got home and possibly return the purse to her personally. All in all, she decided to disown him and I guess I'll never have to deal with her again.
At least I kept dairy from coming into my house.
|04-23-2016 04:24 PM|
What if they wanted to smoke in your house, and you didn't want them to?
Never compromise your principles.....you'll regret it.
THEY need to adjust to YOU. They should RESPECT you and your choices.
When we stopped eating meat, people that came over KNEW that they were not getting a meat or seafood dish. BBQ tofu sticks replaced BBQ chicken wings, etc. Nobody said anything, because we did not compromise and they had no other option. If they wanted a burger...get in your car and go get one. Hummus dip and veggies became normal, along with other "weird" veggie food.
Our whole extended family became veg*n / vegan, and my granddaughter LOVES all veggies and fruits. Her Mom says she'll never eat meat.
You only get one life....embrace it to the fullest, and don't violate your core principles.
|04-23-2016 04:43 AM|
I feel your frustration!
I see this as a power play and the thin edge of the wedge. If this lady can push you around at the start, just wait - there are more surprises waiting in the wings.
Being agreeable to this bizarre demand is unlikely to change how she perceives you or your lifestyle. The other folks who pointed out that this really isn't about the food are correct. Chances are that she's going to go home and trash you and the other partner in the relationship as bad people who have tempted her fair headed boy into a life she disapproves of - and you can't control that either.
She's already shown you how she talks about others behind their backs and there's no reason to expect anything else where you are concerned. I'm sad to point out that you're living an unconventional lifestyle, and that comes with the disapproval of almost everyone, especially in-laws and other friends and family of you and your partners, unless you are very very lucky.
What you can control is what they bring into your home. You CAN object to meat and dairy and eggs, especially if you find plenty of local places where they can go and eat while they sulk and pout about your mean old vegan ways. Since you're providing healthy and good food at home, if they choose to go out to eat, that's on their dime too.
I was raised to eat almost anything to be polite. Now that I'm a vegan I bring my own food everywhere I go, so as to not place demands on hosts. (No reasonable host objects to vegetables. And if they did I'd either decline the invite, or find other places to eat in the neighborhood. Every trip involves an intensive research session before I go, just in case.)
I suggest laying out the ground rules and then refusing to discuss them beyond "but I'm providing perfectly good food here and I do not use my money to pay for animal products. This would be against my ethical standards. If you choose to go elsewhere because you are so rudely refusing the good food I have cooked for you, it's up to you to pay for it. Why? Because I'm neither a fool nor a weakling you can push around."
If you want to soften it you can add that you wanted so much to meet her and be friends, because you love her son and are so sure you'll love her too, once you get past this food thing. But it will do no good to entertain debates on the subject. Believe me, the more it gets talked about the worse the situation will become, and you CAN say "I'm simply not willing to discuss this food issue any further. We have found plenty of local resources for you if you will not break bread with us here at home, I've put a great deal of effort into this but beyond this we cannot go."
And you can quote me on that!!!
The thing is, there's nothing you can do to make this lady like you aside from being your own lovable self, and if you stand up firmly for yourself she may actually find herself respecting you for it. But if you let her force you to abandon your values, that would just give her more ammunition in the future.
|04-22-2016 11:34 PM|
|Purp||Meet them half way between Maryland and Washington in Omaha, at the restaurant Modern Love. That'll teach them.|
|04-20-2016 03:04 AM|
I agree with some previous posters that this sounds like it's about more than the food. However the important thing to hang on to here is that at heart you probably all want Deyna to be happy - and it sounds like veganism (what a terribly awkward lifestyle choice! how do you live? how do you survive? etc etc) is what she's choosing to focus on as a 'problem'.
This is the first time you're all meeting so it's odd (and rude) that she would choose to be so combatative early on. She's constructed a (precarious) pedestal for herself and is meting out judgement and testing the limits and strengths of your relationship with Deyna.
I honestly hope that when she gets to know you and sees that Deyna is loved and happy that a lot of this will fall away.
As for the 20 year old picky eater - that sounds suspiciously like a red herring. Unless her daughter has some other issues around food (eating disorder, physical ailment, any condition that might make change difficult for her ...) I think most 20yr olds would simply chose to go to the local MacDonalds or similar and get a burger if they don't like the food on offer. If she were 10 years younger I'd have more sympathy (for her and mum) but at 20 ... really? You're really not able to cobble together something yourself? You're really not able to nip out and get something to eat?
|04-19-2016 05:30 PM|
|Kiwibird08||"If you don't like the food I am graciously providing and the rules of my home I am opening to you, then stay in a hotel and eat out on your own dime". Or better yet "My house, my money, my rules. Don't like it? Don't come!".|
|04-19-2016 04:34 PM|
|silva||What would @Aliakai suggest if this were someone else's dilemma?|
|04-19-2016 02:39 PM|
|peacefulveglady||Sorry to hear about your problems , i agree with Poppy , to cancel the visit and get to know them via the net maybe later down the road things will change and they are willing to try Vegan friendly meals.|
|04-19-2016 01:06 PM|
What if they just bring sandwiches would you guys allow that, might not be worth the fight.
If it is tell them they can eat out if they don't want to eat you food. It is awfully rude of them though. I personally would tell them they can stay at a hotel
|04-18-2016 07:01 PM|
That said, her son has to deal with this food situation. I would tell them to buy their own meal when you go out to eat if they insist on eating meat. (When I am a guest at someone's home, I treat them to a meal out, since they are doing so much by hosting me. Why do they expect you to buy their restaurant food, too, anyway?)
Personally, I would not put up with meat or milk in my kitchen, but I'm old and cranky and couldn't care less what people think for the most part.
|04-18-2016 06:45 PM|
They have the "we're the guests accommodate us, we'd accommodate you" bs going too...
|04-18-2016 06:38 PM|
|silva||What really gets me is that even if they bring things like those individual cups of mac and cheese where you just add water and microwave, do you really believe they're not going to complain? Yeah, I'd bet money they'll still complain and talk about how inhospitable you are- I don't see you getting the upper hand in this situation. they're both adults, not a child whose easier appeased than deal tantrums|
|04-18-2016 06:32 PM|
I'm not into patronizing any family.
They're ADULTS for crying out loud, has no one explained that vegans go through not having things they like to eat all the time when they're visiting, or dining? That we often have to eat before restaurants, weddings, showers, holidays? How often bringing our own food so we CAN have something to eat as opposed to not liking what is offered brings ridicule?
How anyone be so rude when invited to anothers home is beyond my comprehension.
I'd have to say no, it's not alright, and I'm sure they'd feel more comfortable in a hotel
|04-18-2016 05:54 PM|
|Poppy||Cancel the visit. Skype or FaceTime if you absolutely must, but you sure don't need these people in your house compromising your health and your house rules. I'm all for family harmony and unity, but when behavior is this appalling, then it's hardly worth going through what you must to have visitors only to have them ungrateful complainers. Seriously, some adults really need to grow up.|
|04-18-2016 05:52 PM|
|Thalassa4||If the daughter is 20 and not two, this is tremendous bull****, and that's all I have to say about that.|
|04-18-2016 01:28 PM|
Yeh, as a mutual partner you would indeed want to befriend his family if at all possible.
I wonder what his mum is trying to achieve in making these demands that you buy them meat? Does she know that Deyna isn't an ethical vegan (and as such would have no ethical reason to not buy them meat), but that you and your other guy are?
It's odd that this all kicked off at the last minute. People can be emotionally weird. If I were in your shoes, I'd be wondering if this were really some kind of psychological tug of war thing being played out. But that's me :-> I'd be careful of her.
If there were tensions and conflicts of interest arising, I'd also be seeking affirmative words and actions from my partner to indicate that his primary commitments were to my relationship with him. I could be open to polyamory, but not with a man's mother.
For now I'd allow Deyna to call the shots with his family. I'd step back from it, particularly as according to the in-laws you and your husband have already been cast as the problem makers with your weird fake allergies and illnesses.
If Deyna's OK with buying his mother and sister meat during this visit, then I'd let him make the decision do that and accept his decision as a group - this time (do you have any separate funds?).
Then you could discuss the situation afterwards, set down some ground rules about how these things should be approached and present a united front in the future. That'd be my approach anyway.
|04-18-2016 12:53 PM|
He's vegan also, just not an ethical vegan. He had issues with it but felt divided between his girl and his mother. He really wanted to see her and the stubbornness caused him a great deal of stress. I want to meet her too and it's their first time ever meeting me, my husband, or seeing our house. They made it into a make or break situation at the last minute, making the tensions even higher. The microwave compromise settles the allergen issue, but doesn't necessarily help the refusal to go to a veg-vegan restaurant and the insistence that if we treat them to food we have to pay for meat and just accept that.
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