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  Topic Review (Newest First)
07-19-2018 12:12 PM
greenie25 Oh me oh my, I want to reply and I was also debating including fish!
I can't reply yet though. Bother. But just...SO many congrats and power vibes to you. So much love.
Please email me if you like at any point. It's a hard road but life is worth it, my dear!
07-13-2018 05:12 AM
Naturebound Hi greenie25!

I have not been on here in a long time either. I am the farthest I have come in recovery so far. I was strict vegan for 6.5 years, and then, to fight the rules in my head and my eating disorder, I started including eggs and dairy in my diet. I was also low on some lab tests during my last year of being vegan which disturbed me, and I was feeling tired all the time. I didn't feel much different as a vegetarian. Last December I began to include fish in my diet, and my tiredness vanished. My labs are much better (specifically ferritin and hemoblobin as well as sodium which was rock bottom normal for a while). I am able to eat out more, socialize around food because food is no longer the focal point, eat more all around. I have fought tooth and nail to overcome many obsessive compulsive rules and tendencies, and it was very very hard to give up being vegan but I felt it was necessary (for me personally) in order to overcome some obstacles, and frankly desirable in my last year of being vegan. I started taking ballet/pointe classes again since last year at a well known ballet school and have even performed on stage to an audience of over 1000 people! My weight has increased a little but not a huge amount, and I have been maintaining a healthy weight for a few years now. I am still battling my disorder on a mental level and accepting my body as it is is still a daily work in progress. Because I am no longer vegetarian (I eat fish 1-3x week on average), I have been refraining from visiting or posting on all the old vegan/vegetarian forums I used to belong to. But i saw your post notification in my email so i felt I needed to come here and share. If it is not allowed and my post is deleted, I will understand. This has all been a very strange experience for me. I thought I would be vegan for life, and I was very committed for a long time. But I began to do some serious soul searching and had health concerns and I began to question if it was right for me (yes i understand I am putting myself before animals who do not have a choice). I have changed a lot in my beliefs and practices, but still try to do the best I can where I can without compromising my recovery. It can not be black and white, all or nothing with me. I have had to find balance to make everything work.

It's taken me a long time to even be able to share this publicly because the shaming and harassing comments from some vegans was fierce when I first began to come out about my change. But many people have been very kind to me too, vegans included and in my circle of vegan Meetup local group, and have accepted me the way I am. Nothing in life is static. We do what we need to do to survive, thrive, move forward...This is not to say that someday i won't be stronger and able to try being vegan or vegetarian again. For now I have needed to not be so restrictive. I still can not bring myself to eat any other meat besides fish, and maybe that's ok for me for now. I'm still figuring out if it is because of ethical beliefs, because I am put off by the taste and smell, or because of my eating disorder. Funny how it is not clear at all as we might think it is when ED clouds everything.

greenie25,

I think it is amazing that you have a beautiful child now, congratulations! I hope you are able to get past any roadblocks so that you can live life to it's fullest and enjoy seeing the life you created grow and experience life. Eating disorders are so hard to overcome, but sometimes it's all about baby steps. Sometimes the big picture is too overwhelming and too much to think about. More and more I have been embracing a one day at a time approach. I battle severe osteoporosis (which has improved immensely over the last few years but not without the help of weight gain, less restrictive diet, and prescription meds) and when I think about my future it scares me because I am only 46. So I am trying to do everything I love to do NOW, and embrace life while I still have mobility and very little pain. And life goes so fast!

I hope you can find the strength to fight and find recovery. Many hugs to you!
07-12-2018 02:16 PM
greenie25
Thanks VB...

Hi all!
I logged back in this morning after a year long experiment eating meat and was going back through old posts and found one from me from 2010 about how I had a low bmi (I am MUCH lower now) and was concerned and had been scared of food for about 5 years at that point and how unhappy I was...
I have been struggling to gain weight after breastfeeding because all kinds of psychological blocks are cropping up and reading that post and realising I had struggled for ALMOST THIRTY YEARS with food and now have a beautiful baby and life ahead and just need to seize it all has absolutely vanquished that in an instant (I think...).
So here goes. I am gonna eat all the things.

And i look forward to sharing thoughts with you guys. x
04-23-2017 06:07 AM
Naturebound
Quote:
Originally Posted by laces View Post
Hi guys,

I've battled different varieties of ED's for about 8 years now.

Veganism helped me beat my first ED. But since then I've just been eating more and more, uncontrollably... most of the time not vegan either.

Now I want to include more vegan food in my diet, I've been veggie for ages so it's not a huge change but I feel like it's still a challenge but it's the right way to go.

Anyway thought I would drop in and say HI!
Quote:
Originally Posted by laces View Post
Hi guys,

I've battled different varieties of ED's for about 8 years now.

Veganism helped me beat my first ED. But since then I've just been eating more and more, uncontrollably... most of the time not vegan either.

Now I want to include more vegan food in my diet, I've been veggie for ages so it's not a huge change but I feel like it's still a challenge but it's the right way to go.

Anyway thought I would drop in and say HI!
Hi laces and welcome back! I am curious, how did veganism help you beat your ED the first time?

I am always interested, because for me it was actually a challenge when I went vegan to not be triggered back into full blown ED. I went vegan for ethical reasons, not health (though meeting my health needs was and is important too), and I was worried about the effect of restricting type of food on my ED, and of course I lost too much weight in the beginning which was a trigger, and eventually I did relapse into anorexia and eventually bingeing/purging (though I stayed vegan through this and through recovery). It took many years as a vegan to get to a place of balance with food (something I still work at), but of course EDs are about much more than food, so this is only one aspect.

I'd love to hear more about your story! But if you don't want to share more I would understand that too. Thanks for posting!
04-23-2017 05:32 AM
laces Hi guys,

I've battled different varieties of ED's for about 8 years now.

Veganism helped me beat my first ED. But since then I've just been eating more and more, uncontrollably... most of the time not vegan either.

Now I want to include more vegan food in my diet, I've been veggie for ages so it's not a huge change but I feel like it's still a challenge but it's the right way to go.

Anyway thought I would drop in and say HI!
04-02-2017 06:12 PM
Naturebound Does anyone actually eat a normal amount of food anymore? I called my own mother to have a friendly chat since I hadn't heard from her in a long time, and she told me she is on a diet eating 800 calories per day. I got mad at her and concerned because that is a starvation amount. I told her I have been there done that and IT DOESN'T WORK. Your metabolism slows to a grinding halt and when you do try to eat even a few hundred calories more after weeks or months of eating that little, it piles on very quickly. She got mad at me for not being supportive of her. WTF? She knows I have battled with an ED for years, have worked very very hard to get healthy. Why does she continually pull this crap on me? She yelled at me years ago for eating so little but it's ok for her to do this? It doesn't matter that she is obese. It is still way too little for ANYONE.

She also said she is eating meat twice a day and how bad veganism is because you can't get enough protein. Sighs. And she justified it by saying she buys all organic chicken and fish so it's ok. One minute she is gung ho wanting to go vegan and the next she is on to some other diet. Am I an awful person for not being able to pretend to be supportive? it's just the same old **** over and over with her.

Is it any wonder I want to wear my mp3 all day every day and just tune out the world? :/
01-31-2016 02:18 AM
karenlovessnow
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shallot View Post
Not like the world wants me to be sick - but like it's subtly encouraging me. Especially as a woman you're encouraged to look a certain way - and everything is set up to reward that compliance.

It's hard to let go of the praise and wanting the praise for looking a certain way.

I struggle with body dysmorphia - what I see is very different to reality. I have more flashes these days of what I actually look like and it sort of freaks me out. I see photos of myself from a year ago and I'm shocked. But I also remember people around me saying really positive things about what I look like.

It's very messed up in my head any way.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
01-30-2016 06:59 PM
Naturebound Thanks guys!

Shallot,

I have terrible body dysmorphia also. And mind/personality dysmporphia as well. :/
01-30-2016 02:25 PM
Shallot Not like the world wants me to be sick - but like it's subtly encouraging me. Especially as a woman you're encouraged to look a certain way - and everything is set up to reward that compliance.

It's hard to let go of the praise and wanting the praise for looking a certain way.

I struggle with body dysmorphia - what I see is very different to reality. I have more flashes these days of what I actually look like and it sort of freaks me out. I see photos of myself from a year ago and I'm shocked. But I also remember people around me saying really positive things about what I look like.

It's very messed up in my head any way.

Naturebound - just remember you're doing really well. You're aware of what's going on and you can take steps to push yourself on to a better path. I hope your results come back hugely improved.
01-30-2016 07:15 AM
no whey jose **** weight loss culture. If no one else is praising you for taking care of yourself, then I will. You are a brave, beautiful, kind, intelligent woman and you deserve better than to be tormented by something so trivial as weight.
01-30-2016 05:52 AM
karenlovessnow I do not have any experience with ED. I just want to say, from what little I know of you from the Internet, you are an amazing human being.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
01-30-2016 04:39 AM
Naturebound Thought I would drop by here and vent a little.

For those in recovery from an eating disorder, do you ever feel like the world around you wants you to be sick? It sometimes takes an incredible amount of inner strength to fight against the tital wave of an eating disorder, and sometimes it seems like everywhere around you information feeds that tital wave and wants to pull and suck you into it. Everywhere you go, people are talking about losing weight, eating too little, cutting out this or that, exercising for hours on end.

You don't get praised for taking care of yourself even when it is incredibly hard to do. The rewards for knowing your body and what you need to be healthy and focusing on that are not always obvious. They can't be easily measured and quantified like losing or gaining weight can. I don't feel like my energy level is hugely different than when i was sick. Maybe I sleep a little better, and don't think about food or the scale or my body 24/7 like I once did, so I have more time to focus on my work and other activities. But I still have my bad days, my low energy days, periods of anxiety and fear and so on. That doesn't go away with being healthier.

In approximately two months I will be getting my next DEXA scan to see if my bone density has improved since getting to a near normal weight and being on an osteoporosis med for the last two years. I put so much hope into this scan and the results. Thinking, if the numbers improve, it will all have been worth it. But what if the numbers are the same or worse? Then what? It scares me. I don't have the chronic bone pain I used to though. I last noticed chronic hip pain about a year ago and then I stopped noticing any and the change was subtle but suddenly I realize this. It's those little subtle changes you don't even notice, or take for granted. I think the osteoporosis med has helped too, but I want to believe it is because I eat more and have put on weight and that my body is healing.

On a totally different thought/vent, I visited Facebook yesterday and a not so close friend I have on there who I met on an eating disorder recovery forum many years ago posted something that disturbed me. I know this woman is still sick herself. And sometimes I don't think people who are still sick realize how they come across to others or what they reveal about their thoughts/beliefs in their actions. I worry that maybe to some degree I post triggering things too without realizing it. At any rate, she posted about a friend of hers who is very very sick with her anorexia. She posted a photo of this woman who was terribly emaciated, along with describing just how thin this woman is (gave her exact height, weight, bmi etc). She was pleading for donations to help this woman get treatment she otherwise couldn't afford.

And while I felt really bad for this woman (and I totally understand how expensive eating disorder treatment is having had to pay over $9000 out of pocket myself for it and fighting insurance denials with appeals even from my doctor) I couldn't help but have some thoughts and feelings myself that maybe bother me to some degree. I wonder why it is so important to include such intimate details about someone's weight and bmi when discussing their disorder. Is this woman more deserving of help than someone who maybe isn't as emaciated? Is she any more dangerously ill than someone who maybe purges ten or twenty times a day, or exercises seven hours a day but is a normal weight? Or someone who is suicidal because she hates her "normal" body so much? Was it really necessary? And the second thought was to want to dismiss the seriousness of my own ED history because I never reached that level of sickness (as if there really is a quantifiable "level" of sickness). I feel like when this sort of thing is posted, it devalues my own experience. It sets a bar. If you are "this" sick, you are just a whiner and it's all about vanity. But if you are "THIS" sick, it is true anorexia bla bla. I felt a little angry at the author of the plea, but maybe a little compassion too because she is stuck in that mindset that is so hard to get out of.

It seems my bone density results are the only quantifiable "reminder" of what I put my body through. Maybe that's a good thing though. I escaped worse. Then again of course that little voice still inside me sometimes says maybe I could do it all again if I escaped the worst of the damage the last few relapses. It would be so easy to watch the numbers go down and live that high and numbness of hunger and self hatred and punishment. In fact the world encourages it, is in awe of those who can fast and starve and exercise themselves into the ground and be "disciplined". People compliment thinness, trust me. They don't have to know the secret shame of throwing away good food instead of eating it, or purging, or uncontrollable binges, or laxatives by the dozens, or hours of meal planning and counting calories, fat, measuring every grain of salt and and weighing every ounce of food. Of sacrificing friends and precious time with family because exercise and avoidance of eating are more important.

But I still keep at it, keep taking care of myself as much as I know how to , though I am so careful at it. The fact that I can recognize and challenge the feelings/reactions I have when I come across "triggers" and still stay on a careful but healthier path maybe is a subtle sign that life is better in recovery and I am coping better than I think I am. I won't fool myself that I am totally recovered and have moved on from this disorder. I still have "habits" I haven't broken, and still try to control some things. I still have huge misconceptions about my body, and dislikes. I still sometimes define my worth by my athletic ability or success at work or weight range. And I fail every time when I allow myself to define my worth this way because there will ALWAYS be someone better at it and I will never be good enough. I don't have to be special to experience all that life has to offer, and to have self worth.
01-14-2016 02:03 AM
Naturebound
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shallot View Post
I'm stressed out by a lot of stuff going on - my natural reaction to this is to stop eating. I say natural because this has been my reaction since I was a toddler.

I'm stressed by things I can't control - so I obsess about what I'm eating.

I'm stressed by the fact that I really need to gain some weight - so I'm obsessively weighing myself.

I'm stressed by the fact that I'm not gaining weight (probably because I'm stressed and see above) ....

I want a holiday from my brain.
HUGS
01-14-2016 01:37 AM
Shallot I'm stressed out by a lot of stuff going on - my natural reaction to this is to stop eating. I say natural because this has been my reaction since I was a toddler.

I'm stressed by things I can't control - so I obsess about what I'm eating.

I'm stressed by the fact that I really need to gain some weight - so I'm obsessively weighing myself.

I'm stressed by the fact that I'm not gaining weight (probably because I'm stressed and see above) ....

I want a holiday from my brain.
12-02-2015 05:09 AM
Shallot Thank you Mods!
12-02-2015 01:19 AM
Shallot MODS! please can you remove the above post. It is not appropriate for the ED thread ...
Thanks.
10-31-2015 11:38 PM
no whey jose Elaine, that was gorgeous. Thank you. <3
10-31-2015 07:23 PM
Sadrielle ((Naturebound)), that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing something that intimate and personal with us. It sort of makes me want to let my body write a me letter, too.
10-31-2015 06:53 PM
Naturebound I wrote the following excerpt in 2013 when I was very sick and fighting my ED. I have come a VERY long way since then, but during the time I wrote that excerpt, I was already tentatively fighting to get better. At any rate, I was looking at that letter tonight because I had a really really rough week and am battling some depression right now and I am totally exhausted from working 50 hours per week and I needed some encouragement. I had forgotten all about it until now. I hope maybe this can help someone else in the midst of an ED.

Letter From My Body To Me

Dear Elaine,

I am stronger than you are. That said, I will never take advantage of you. You need to know that and to trust me. I only ask that you provide me rest, food, energy, warmth, and protection from harm. If you think I am fighting you, it is because you deny me these basic necessities. But my will to survive...to thrive...is stronger than yours. I am highly sensitive to changes, very finely tuned, and I am wired to make adjustments in response to them. If you starve me I have no choice but to slow my metabolism and send out hunger signals. If you deny these I have no choice but to adjust insulin and leptin. If you still deny me I have to slow down even more to conserve energy and body heat. I have to make you tired, dizzy, cold, because I have to redirect heat to my vital organs. If you do not provide me with enough body fat, I have to grow lanugo. If you purge, I have to fight to maintain electrolyte equilibrium. I have to take calcium and other minerals from nonessential places and pull them into the blood, sacrificing my bones in the process to save your life. If you work me too hard, I have to cause inflammation and soreness in the muscles. Without the materials to build muscle, I can not keep up with your demands, try as I do. I have to make your mind tired. I can not and will not sit idly by and let you destroy me without a fight. I do this not because I am trying to make your life miserable, but because I love you and I want you to thrive. You can not thrive without a body to live in. We have to make that clear first.

I can not be the body you want. I know you hate my short waist, the shape of my hips and butt, my narrow shoulders, my naturally round face. I am not perfect either. I have a dysfunctional thyroid, an intolerance to chemicals and foods and drugs and some hormones. I don't adjust well to foreign substances in my body. I don't trust them. I demand that you treat me well and give me only what is natural and healthy and I can be quite temperamental when you do not cooperate. I may be more demanding than other bodies. I responded to assaults on my body with endometriosis and I know that it was scary for you. I even forgive you for the loss of my ovaries and uterus and cervix. I have slowly adjusted, and as long as you can find a way to provide me with the hormones I need to function, I will do my best to work around not having organs that would have made that job easier. Though I am demanding, I am not inflexible. I have withstood a lot of abuse from you but still I fight to bounce back because I love you and I need you as much as you need me. Your demands of me are exhausting though. I am pleading with you to treat me better while we can still work with each other. My bones are deteriorating. My joints are not as lubricated as they once were. I am aging and this you can not deny or change. I want to continue to take you places, to be there for you in twenty or even forty years from now. You can make this possible if you simply provide me with the basic needs I have asked for. We have to live together, as hard as that is sometimes. Let's find a way to make it work, to get along, to find peace and acceptance with our imperfections. I know it will not happen overnight, but the less you fight me, the more I can give you. I can not guarantee I will not build more fat. I know it is your number one fear. But without it I can not provide you with energy, warmth, muscle, protection, repair of damage. I can give you only so much. I wish you could remove all the misconceptions about this part of me. I wish you could let go of cultural beliefs and attitudes and your fear of judgment from others and your fear of loss of control and your fear of identifying as a woman. You can not deny your very nature. And just so you know you are not in control right now anyway. You are controlled by your fears and self consciousness and thoughts and by my imbalances even. There is so much more of life for you to embrace and discover if you can let go of these. And I know you are as exhausted as I am. Lets not make this a race to see which of us collapses first. Lets try to find a way to make peace ok?
Love
Your body

10-28-2015 12:10 AM
SumitaSofat Wonderful tips....
10-19-2015 05:52 PM
Naturebound
Quote:
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post
((((Hugs)))) Naturebound! Try to stay hydrated, even if you can only eat ice chips or only hot lemon sugar water. Probably the ICD 10 virus.... everyone at my work is cranky and overworked over the switch, especially the docs. :/
Thanks LedBoots! I will do that.

And thanks for the good laugh! So true, ICD 10 is really slowing us down a lot too and there are a lot of kinks in the system to work out. That just adds to the overwhelmed feeling. Even the seasoned coders are ready to pull their hair out!
10-19-2015 05:12 PM
LedBoots ((((Hugs)))) Naturebound! Try to stay hydrated, even if you can only eat ice chips or only hot lemon sugar water. Probably the ICD 10 virus.... everyone at my work is cranky and overworked over the switch, especially the docs. :/
10-19-2015 04:31 PM
Naturebound
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegan_glowies View Post
Hey Naturebound!

I just want to say congrats on finishing your trip. I took the time to read through this thread and we have some things in common. We are around the same weight and I also have a husband who is not vegetarian or vegan and likes his junk food lol! I also have binge-ing tendencies, in fact I just binged today You are very brave and strong. Hugs
Thanks! I am impressed that you managed to read through this whole thread, let alone my long rambling posts. I'm sorry about your binge. Those are so hard to break. It seems that we do have quite a bit in common. Is your husband supportive of your recovery? What does he think of your being vegan? I went through an eating disorder program in 2009 and had "family" therapy with my husband and I think it helped him understand a little more. But sometimes he can be so darn triggering and say the wrong things. He also goes all day without eating but will have one big meal a day and I am one who likes to graze on lots of small meals but I always feel so self conscious eating around him and it seems like I am always eating. Sighs. He was against my veganism at first but over time became more and more supportive of it, even helping me with some activist activities.

Both of us are struggling with either a stomach virus or food poisoning right now. He got sick first, last Monday, and by Friday I was feeling sick with abdominal cramps, nausea, diarrhea, and just feeling like my stomach was in knots. My energy went south too, and I still feel like hell today. My husband called me from home when I was at work and said he vomited five times and has the same twisted abdominal feeling I have. This is just so frustrating. I keep trying to think of all the foods the two of us both ate over the last few weeks but it would be impossible to track down the culprit if it is even food poisoning. I rested yesterday but worked overtime today and I am so exhausted I can barely see straight. and my tummy is horribly knotted. Ugh. No matter what I eat it makes me ill, but I have to eat to have enough energy to drag myself to work. And this comes right on the heels of learning a new area of coding at work and suddenly I am really swamped and overwhelmed. I think if I worked 60 hours a week it still wouldn't be enough. :/ Why oh why do I have to be sick now!!!???
10-19-2015 02:50 PM
vegan_glowies
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
I just got back from my trip late last night. Thanks for asking!

The trip went fairly well. As I mentioned, we changed our route and entry point only one week before, and I am sooo glad we did! Even the smaller lakes we paddled and stayed on were "big" in some ways. The first morning we did have some wind and it was a little unnerving paddling but we went directly into the wind and while it was hard work paddling against, it wasn't as unnerving as it would have been if we had a side wind or quarter wind at the canoe. Overall we paddled four lakes totaling 5.5 miles one way and we portaged our packs over 4.5 miles one way. We used to go in six lakes/8 to 10 miles but then we never had a one mile portage right off the bat like we did this time. I was proud of myself for being able to haul a 40 lb pack on my back over the entire mile portage, up and down a rugged trail full of mud, rocks, tree roots, brush etc without once having to stop and set the pack down. Then I returned over the entire trail, picked up the second pack, and carried that one all the way across too. I did not attempt to carry the canoe, but to my credit I carried our fully loaded food pack halfway across the portage to help my husband out who carried the canoe across. So three miles total of carrying heavy packs before we even hit the water. By the time we got to Horseshoe lake we were too exhausted to fight the wind to the next lake over where we wanted to go. Horseshoe lake was a long narrow lake with fingers and it felt less intimidating than Gaskin would have, and I am so glad we stayed on it instead. Amazingly my husband didn't argue with me but was happy to stay on Horseshoe also. We stayed on the smaller lakes for day trips and never did go into Gaskin or Winchell lakes which are bigger, but that was ok with my husband too. More than not we did some hiking/bushwhacking behind our campsite way back in the woods and did lots of exploring. The weather was for the most part very nice. The one day that was really windy was when we hiked in the woods instead of paddling. Thursday we had pouring rain off and on all day with fierce winds kicking up for a few hours and then calming down to dead still and then whipping up again all day. When the wind would blow I would go in the tent and try to read a novel I brought along. My husband had put up a nylon tarp and we hung out under that and had a campfire going most of that day too. It was a struggle that day with my fears, and worse because the next day was our day to head out. I was so worried the weather would be that bad on the journey out. There were thunderstorms all day Thursday too, but we still saw several canoes out there on the water. All were big strong men though. I didn't see too many women out in the canoes but did see a few all during our trip. Thankfully the next day was sunny and calmer but still windy, though the wind was to our backs the entire way out this time which was awesome! It took us only six hours to get out and seven to come in so having the wind at your back makes things easier.

The week before, I ate a LOT to try to gain a few lbs and rev up my metabolism to withstand the weather and build up reserves/stamina for the trip, and I am glad I did because I used a LOT of energy out there paddling, carrying heavy loads, pumping/filtering all our water, gathering firewood etc. I had been worried about dealing with cold weather, but I never once got too cold at all, even when the temps dipped into the mid 40s F at night and when it was pouring rain Thursday. I wore rain gear (pants/jacket) all day that day and didn't allow myself to get too wet. I still felt guilty eating every meal, as I always do when I eat more than I am used to, but I ignored the thoughts at least temporarily. It is always easier to eat more when I am out on adventures like this than at home every day. And I ate a LOT. Surprisingly I only gained a tiny bit of weight, and most of that was my face and arms filling out a little. On a side note, part of my eating disorder involves food hoarding. I have this fear of not having enough food which is odd for someone who has restricted her intake for years. So of course we brought WAY too much food on our trip lol. I planned it all and packed the food. We had a large bear proof food barrel full of food and when we were out on the water, we talked to six men in three canoes who had the same food barrel we had and that one barrel was for all six of them for the same number of days! We did have our dog's food in there too but still. It was a bit embarrassing but also kind of funny. We still had it a third full by the time we went home. We did pack for an extra day of food too in case of being wind bound or something.

I am very very relieved the trip is over and we didn't have any problems. I'm not sure if I will do a trip like that again. I still had a lot of anxiety out there wondering if we would be able to get out safely. I also worried about anything happening to my husband because I don't think I could have hauled all that stuff out on my own. I'm also not as outdoor savvy as he is, and not as strong of a paddler. It took a lot out of me worrying and I did have trouble with food staying in me all through the trip as I had to do number two constantly due to my anxiety...and maybe a little because my body was not used to that much food. On the otherhand, I probably lived in the moment far more out there than I do at home, and I feel so at peace out in the woods exploring like a child. Waking up to a gorgeous lake every morning was awesome, and my husband and I had some bonding time, along with our dog Sable. She was terrified of the thunder/lightning, and me the wind, so we often consoled each other .

Another awesome thing. I found a really nice carbon steel knife in the lake someone had dropped, and gave it to my husband. It was still in great shape. Instead of using it to hurt or kill something, he used it to carve wooden spoons while we sat under the tarp by the campfire all day Thursday. My husband is an artist and uses his hands to create beautiful wood projects. He ate almost all vegan with me the whole trip except he did have a few hard boiled eggs for himself. At the end of the trip I asked him how his energy was and he said he felt strong and great and I said, "See, eating veggie all week didn't deprive you of anything did it!"
Hey Naturebound!

I just want to say congrats on finishing your trip. I took the time to read through this thread and we have some things in common. We are around the same weight and I also have a husband who is not vegetarian or vegan and likes his junk food lol! I also have binge-ing tendencies, in fact I just binged today You are very brave and strong. Hugs
10-09-2015 01:49 AM
karenlovessnow I am in awe of you, Naturebound!
So glad you made it through...awesome job!


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10-08-2015 10:08 AM
vegan_glowies Hey everyone,

I'm really happy to have found this thread! One of the reasons I became vegan is from watching youtube videos from girls like Freelee the Banana Girl, Earthling Nutrition, and Fruitarian Elle who previously had eating disorders and recovered through veganism (though they follow the very specific HCLF/Rawtill4 type).

I was vegetarian for 9 years, then ate meat on and off when I moved in with my now-husband. I went through phases of disordered eating by crash dieting (eating 700 calories a day for months at a time, fasting, etc) since the age of 17. When I was 18 I lost a ton of weight because I was depressed and sleeping a lot and not eating, my main food groups were klonopin and alcohol. Reaching that weight has always kind of haunted me because even though I know I was stupid thin and strung-out looking I always feel fat compared to that weight.

I got so much healthier and happier since then, but in 2014 I reached my highest weight of 125 and got my first stretch marks ever. This horrified me and I started my crash diet again. I got down to 120 but wanted to be 110. I think 120 is my "set weight" where my body just kind of settles because it's really hard to get below that. I started eating less and less, hating my stomach that stuck out. I exercised every day and did a ton of sit-ups trying to get rid of it.

I couldn't keep up the constant calorie counting and 400-800 calorie days and found myself bingeing and purging. I didn't think that it would soon take over my life and happen almost every day, multiple times a day. My husband found out about it and was very sweet and I promised him to stop. It was way harder to stop than I thought it would be, but once I started watching youtube videos about girls that recovered from bulimia through veganism I decided to try it and surprisingly it worked! I no longer felt guilty about what I ate and reverted to a very simple, whole food plant based diet.

Festival season then started and I spent almost every other weekend at music festivals walking around a lot, dancing a lot, and continuing to eat vegan. It's not healthy, but some days at festivals I could go all day without eating. My weight got down to 115 and I was so happy.

Festival season just ended and I can feel my weight creeping back up because I'm not as active and I'm around food all day. I'm scared that I'll fall into my old habits but also scared of gaining weight. I'm trying to plan my outfits for the shows I'm going to this weekend and feeling fat so today I'm eating fruits and veggies only. I know that recovery is more important that being thin but it's easier said than done.

Thanks for listening and so glad to be here to support you all!
09-19-2015 04:20 AM
Naturebound
Quote:
Originally Posted by 5kRunner View Post
Have you gone on your trip yet, NB?


Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I had junk last night BUT I did well all week and I am good so far today. Just hungry, ha, but hubby is at the store.
I just got back from my trip late last night. Thanks for asking!

The trip went fairly well. As I mentioned, we changed our route and entry point only one week before, and I am sooo glad we did! Even the smaller lakes we paddled and stayed on were "big" in some ways. The first morning we did have some wind and it was a little unnerving paddling but we went directly into the wind and while it was hard work paddling against, it wasn't as unnerving as it would have been if we had a side wind or quarter wind at the canoe. Overall we paddled four lakes totaling 5.5 miles one way and we portaged our packs over 4.5 miles one way. We used to go in six lakes/8 to 10 miles but then we never had a one mile portage right off the bat like we did this time. I was proud of myself for being able to haul a 40 lb pack on my back over the entire mile portage, up and down a rugged trail full of mud, rocks, tree roots, brush etc without once having to stop and set the pack down. Then I returned over the entire trail, picked up the second pack, and carried that one all the way across too. I did not attempt to carry the canoe, but to my credit I carried our fully loaded food pack halfway across the portage to help my husband out who carried the canoe across. So three miles total of carrying heavy packs before we even hit the water. By the time we got to Horseshoe lake we were too exhausted to fight the wind to the next lake over where we wanted to go. Horseshoe lake was a long narrow lake with fingers and it felt less intimidating than Gaskin would have, and I am so glad we stayed on it instead. Amazingly my husband didn't argue with me but was happy to stay on Horseshoe also. We stayed on the smaller lakes for day trips and never did go into Gaskin or Winchell lakes which are bigger, but that was ok with my husband too. More than not we did some hiking/bushwhacking behind our campsite way back in the woods and did lots of exploring. The weather was for the most part very nice. The one day that was really windy was when we hiked in the woods instead of paddling. Thursday we had pouring rain off and on all day with fierce winds kicking up for a few hours and then calming down to dead still and then whipping up again all day. When the wind would blow I would go in the tent and try to read a novel I brought along. My husband had put up a nylon tarp and we hung out under that and had a campfire going most of that day too. It was a struggle that day with my fears, and worse because the next day was our day to head out. I was so worried the weather would be that bad on the journey out. There were thunderstorms all day Thursday too, but we still saw several canoes out there on the water. All were big strong men though. I didn't see too many women out in the canoes but did see a few all during our trip. Thankfully the next day was sunny and calmer but still windy, though the wind was to our backs the entire way out this time which was awesome! It took us only six hours to get out and seven to come in so having the wind at your back makes things easier.

The week before, I ate a LOT to try to gain a few lbs and rev up my metabolism to withstand the weather and build up reserves/stamina for the trip, and I am glad I did because I used a LOT of energy out there paddling, carrying heavy loads, pumping/filtering all our water, gathering firewood etc. I had been worried about dealing with cold weather, but I never once got too cold at all, even when the temps dipped into the mid 40s F at night and when it was pouring rain Thursday. I wore rain gear (pants/jacket) all day that day and didn't allow myself to get too wet. I still felt guilty eating every meal, as I always do when I eat more than I am used to, but I ignored the thoughts at least temporarily. It is always easier to eat more when I am out on adventures like this than at home every day. And I ate a LOT. Surprisingly I only gained a tiny bit of weight, and most of that was my face and arms filling out a little. On a side note, part of my eating disorder involves food hoarding. I have this fear of not having enough food which is odd for someone who has restricted her intake for years. So of course we brought WAY too much food on our trip lol. I planned it all and packed the food. We had a large bear proof food barrel full of food and when we were out on the water, we talked to six men in three canoes who had the same food barrel we had and that one barrel was for all six of them for the same number of days! We did have our dog's food in there too but still. It was a bit embarrassing but also kind of funny. We still had it a third full by the time we went home. We did pack for an extra day of food too in case of being wind bound or something.

I am very very relieved the trip is over and we didn't have any problems. I'm not sure if I will do a trip like that again. I still had a lot of anxiety out there wondering if we would be able to get out safely. I also worried about anything happening to my husband because I don't think I could have hauled all that stuff out on my own. I'm also not as outdoor savvy as he is, and not as strong of a paddler. It took a lot out of me worrying and I did have trouble with food staying in me all through the trip as I had to do number two constantly due to my anxiety...and maybe a little because my body was not used to that much food. On the otherhand, I probably lived in the moment far more out there than I do at home, and I feel so at peace out in the woods exploring like a child. Waking up to a gorgeous lake every morning was awesome, and my husband and I had some bonding time, along with our dog Sable. She was terrified of the thunder/lightning, and me the wind, so we often consoled each other .

Another awesome thing. I found a really nice carbon steel knife in the lake someone had dropped, and gave it to my husband. It was still in great shape. Instead of using it to hurt or kill something, he used it to carve wooden spoons while we sat under the tarp by the campfire all day Thursday. My husband is an artist and uses his hands to create beautiful wood projects. He ate almost all vegan with me the whole trip except he did have a few hard boiled eggs for himself. At the end of the trip I asked him how his energy was and he said he felt strong and great and I said, "See, eating veggie all week didn't deprive you of anything did it!"
09-18-2015 07:00 AM
Windigo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.
That is the hardest part by far NB; like I wrote I have struggled with that for most of my life too. It's important to realise that whoever instilled those thoughts in you, isn't you. That the real you is a loving force that wants the best for you. Listen to that tiny voice that loves you, and try to let it rule the others.

I know how hard it is, it's a day to day struggle. But any time I think negatively of my body now, I think ''not my thoughts'' harder. For me it seems to work. Being able to discuss these things in therapy helps me too, but so far reminding myself that I am not the person hating my body really seems to help.

I hope this helps a bit! *Big hugs*
09-12-2015 04:44 PM
5kRunner Have you gone on your trip yet, NB?


Hope everyone is having a good weekend. I had junk last night BUT I did well all week and I am good so far today. Just hungry, ha, but hubby is at the store.
09-07-2015 08:31 AM
Shallot
Quote:
Originally Posted by Naturebound View Post
I'm sorry you have had such a rough summer too! HUGS I have been bingeing a bit lately too and it is so humiliating and embarrassing. When I am depressed or in a certain spot with my mind, I don't eat much or I restrict harder. So over the summer I had lost back down to 106 lbs from 113 lbs. Part of it too was "punishment" and some fasting. But then as this canoe camping trip has been looming ever closer I got really worried about how to handle the canoe and carry heavy loads and weather the cold and extreme temps outside for six days. I was worried about this particular trip because of the big water and wind and so on. It takes so much more strength and energy than forty minutes of lifting weights in a nice controlled gym. You literally have to rely on your body to get you and all your equipment over a long distance and then still have the energy to find firewood, set up camp, cook/dishes, pump water from the water filter, etc. So I pushed myself to stop restricting and start eating more and allowing for treats etc. And of course this along with all the anxiety with work and with the canoe trip planning and so on seems to trigger bingeing. So now I am back up to 111 lbs and it should be a good thing but I am feeling so horrified, especially about the way it happened. And it happened so fast that I am struggling with clothes fitting and so on. It's confusing too because I am so much more exhausted right now and feel less strong. But I am sure a lot of that is mental/emotional and getting through crises. My husband and I spent hours and hours yesterday repacking our stuff trying to shift the load some between the packs. And it still all seems so heavy. Ugh.

It's hard to live in a world full of omnivores. I am fortunate my husband at least makes an effort to eat mostly vegetarian at home and eats my vegan meals. But he likes his junk food too and I have to compromise sometimes with what vegan food I make to find something he will eat. If I lived alone I would eat differently. Less processed stuff. But maybe it's a good thing he forces me to be more flexible because I might go off the deep end on my own. :/

My Mom came over a few days ago and we celebrated her birthday. And she told me she wants to try going vegan again. She did it for six months a while back. But she eats gluten free and has diverticulitis (so no nuts/seeds/fruit seeds etc) and found it too difficult and went back to meat and dairy. She is obese but had lost a lot of weight when she ate vegan. She gained it all back and then some when she returned to meat. But she is also a binge eater. At any rate, I had mixed feelings when she told me she wanted to go vegan because it was all about losing weight for her. I guess it shouldn't matter, the reasons, but I just feel like using veganism as a weight loss tool is cheapening it. I didn't say anything though. I did ask her how she plans to overcome some of the issues she had before that caused her to go back to meat. She thinks she can handle nuts/seeds if she grinds them to powder and can get some nutrition that way. IDK. I tried to be encouraging of her, but it's hard too when I struggling with my own ED.

I always find it interesting the types of situations we experienced as children. I grew up with a Mom who was obese and was a binge eater. She also worked full time teaching, was earning her PhD, and dealing with my schizophrenic sister who was in and out of hospitals and halfway houses. My parents divorced when I was very young and my Dad struggled with his own profound mental illness so he could not be there much but always provided for us financially. I was the "good" kid who sacrificed her own needs to help everyone else. I kept everything inside and didn't share my feelings. I also witnessed the cruel comments my Mom's family inflicted on her about her weight, and comments from strangers. It horrified me. I felt so bad for her but also terrified of becoming overweight myself. I had so little self esteem and was very shy and afraid of everything. I developed avoidant personality disorder and social anxiety as a means to deal with violence from my older sister and with life in general. I'm still afraid of my sister to an extent. But we have tried to reconcile the past.

It's interesting then how I turned to restricting and exercise and was always obsessed with "healthy" eating and being active. But deep down I see the potential in myself to be a binge eater too. I'm sure hormones come into play, and long term restricting and damage to the body. I never binged until my weight dropped very very low, and then the massive animal like binges started literally overnight. Since then it has becomes more of an emotional crutch than a survival/instinctive thing. At least I think. No matter where I am on the spectrum of ED though, it is still hard to face and deal with strong emotions. Or with conflict and stress. I don't think I will ever be perfect at it and I am trying to let go of that and accept that I have my flaws and am human. My parents are in their seventies now and have been through years of therapy and life experience and they still turn to destructive habits to deal with life. But maybe the habits are not as intense. IDK.

Body image seems to be a separate issue. I feel so enormous at this weight, yet others seem to feel tiny here. I still think I have way too much body fat compared to others at a comparable weight/height, despite pushing myself with exercise and eating as clean as I can most of the time. I hate the way I am built and where the fat lies. It is really really hard to accept my body the way it is. Everything seems to be about image in our society, and vegan magazines are getting worse with all that too. I can't escape it anywhere, even on VB. If you are not athletic enough or eating clean enough you are nothing. If you aren't out there changing the world you are worthless. I know much of this is in my head, not reality, but it is hard to sort out what is real and what is my own negative self talk.

I have used positive self talk to get through tough situations, but far more often I use negative self talk. Sometimes though the negative self talk is so bad I find myself laughing at it right after thinking it because I realize it is so ridiculous.
Oh Naturebound! Hugs! Lots of hugs. You don't have to do it all - and certainly not all of the time! Take care of yourself.
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