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  Topic Review (Newest First)
03-24-2014 09:09 AM

I try to do alternative discipline.  Time out. take  toys and other things away.

03-20-2014 03:21 PM

I have three children aged 7, 5, and 2.  Other than a pop on the hand twice to my oldest (both in dangerous situations where he could have gotten very hurt and he wasn't listening) I have never laid a hand on my children and am very happy to say that they are all very well behaved.  In fact, they are all very sweet children.  Sure, my toddler gets rambunctious, but he's a toddler lol.  Children understand when you talk to them, they understand other forms of discipline.  I will never understand anyone who spank.  I don't look down on those who do -- but I don't understand (and don't try explaining, that never helps).  

Our home is not without discipline, we definitely discipline, but we will never spank unless it is a literal life or death situation or a situation where they could be very hurt if they don't listen.  For example, the hand smacks mentioned above (which neither were hard by any realm of the imagination) one was when he went to touch a burner set on high on the stove and I reacted out of instinct.  The other he kept letting go of my hand in a busy parking lot and he went to let go again and there was a car coming and again -- it felt like instincts kicked in.  Other those, no reason has ever happened where I felt it was even remotely necessary.  We have time-ins (not time outs), calm jars, and a feelings corner.  They have helped my children not let their emotions take over to the point they can't breathe when crying (etc), but instead have helped them understand their feelings.

In the end though I'll tell you -- I think all parents need to unite more and worry more about uniting and being the "village" to raise our families together and fighting less.  We've become a culture where we get mad if someone spanks, we get mad if they don't spank, we get upset by this and that.  We judge.  Instead of judging we should find ways to open the lines of communication with each other.  I have gotten many parents to not spank after showing them alternatives that worked for my family.  I did so without judging, just by showing a genuine interest in their family and just showing what works for us.  And if they hadn't stopped spanking -- i still wouldn't have judged.  I'm tired of seeing parents out with their over-tired children and people behind them in line judging them for not spanking when it's not the child's fault, it was just a rough day - and we all have rough days.  I try to keep my mind open to what my children are feeling and the same goes for other children.  

When I'm in line at the grocer and the toddler in front of me is crying and shrieking while the mother looks around looking mortified and humiliated...I try to talk to the child.  I say to him, "Oh man, are you tired?  Have you had a rough day?  It's okay, we all have rough days sometimes."  I say, "I know it's hard, but soon enough you can get to bed and not worry about this bad day you're having."  And I look to the mom and say, "I've been there."  I look her straight in the eyes and empathize.  I say, "I have been there and you are not alone.  He's just tired, and that's a fact of life.  I get irritable when I'm tired too." and when she leaves I tell her to take that sweet baby home and snuggle him to sleep.

We need more of this, we need to lift each other up.

03-11-2014 05:35 PM

If you do not have kids then you cannot possibly fully understand the combination of work/kids/stress/responsibility and what it does to you. I have definitely had my moments where I thought I was going insane/having a brain overload at the pressures of being a parent. It's tough sometimes.

I was smacked sometimes as a kid and don't hold any ill will towards my mum for it, it was different times back then and you have to go back to how they were raised etc etc. I'd prefer the 1,2,3 magic time out method which I have employed as a parent but have smacked them a few times when they were younger. Smacking IMO does not work long term though, you have to lead by example and you will definitely find it difficult trying to teach understanding and compassion while hitting your kid - it will not compute with their young brains. My 2 cents.

02-23-2014 05:25 PM

I'm not a parent but this thread breaks my heart. Not because of what you all have said, but because of how many people just don't get it! It blows my mind to see so many people easily understanding what I've so desperately tried to explain to others without success.


I was raised by parents whose entire method revolved around spanking, intimidating physically (getting in your face, backing you into a corner), and/or yelling. They've always used the argument "when we were kids our parents made us choose our own switches, so a spanking is nothing" and "the reason kids are so bad now is because you CAN'T hit them without it being 'child abuse'". There's also one particular story about how my step-dad's mom bit him once and it 'made him a better person'... No, it taught you pain and fear-based cooperation.


I also have an issue explaining to friends of mine around the childbearing age (late teens, early-mid 20s) why they shouldn't spank their kids. You would think that people who've been spanked would know why it's no good, but a surprising amount of people just don't. Let's not even get into how the place you spank a child is their butt. If someone touched a child's butt for ANY other reason people would have meltdowns - and rightfully so.


I don't agree with everything Dr. Phil says/does, but he once said that you should never do or say anything to your child that you would not tolerate someone else doing or saying to them. Really simple but underrated advice.

01-23-2014 02:45 PM
Detoxing i was humiliated and physically assaulted 3 times a year untilll i was 13 the age where i faught back.

the worst was being canned in front of the class in the most humiliating way i was 12. i was never told why?

physical assault humiliation of children is never acceptable
01-23-2014 10:23 AM
scwendy Let me preface by saying I am answering OP questions as to HOW I FEEL about physical discipline on kids. These are MY FEELINGS and not judgement of any specific PPs who hit as a part of child discipline.

I have never hit any of my children. To me hitting is hitting. You can call it spanking, smacking, or whatever else, but it IS hitting.

In our family, we teach that it is never acceptable to hurt another unless your safety were in jeopardy (meaning, we acknowledge there are times one could conceivably have to physically defend oneself).

Many people from older generations are educated on the matter more and will admit if they had it to do all over again, they would not hit their children. Honestly in this day and age, anyone who continues to think hitting children is the optimal way to change behaviors and raise kind beings is deluded and/or lazy.
01-14-2014 08:04 PM
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

I'm sorry Yingchen, how rude of me, I should have looked it up. The incident was a vague memory, I didn't pay much attention at the time. It was one of those stories that the media here latches onto for no discernable reason.

I'm embarrassed, that's so stereotypically American.


No worries. Just goes to show that even though it was huge at the time, it wasn't really significant enough to leave a lasting impact. For a while, we joked that the Michael Fay incident was what finally put us on the world map, lol.

01-14-2014 07:47 PM
Originally Posted by Yingchen View Post

Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.


Michael Fay? That was Singapore, not China =P

I'm sorry Yingchen, how rude of me, I should have looked it up. The incident was a vague memory, I didn't pay much attention at the time. It was one of those stories that the media here latches onto for no discernable reason.

I'm embarrassed, that's so stereotypically American.
01-14-2014 07:37 PM
Originally Posted by LedBoots View Post

Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.


Michael Fay? That was Singapore, not China =P

01-14-2014 12:20 PM

We used to have the cane in British schools but it was phased out - in our case it was replaced by "the slipper".  Sounds fairly innocuous but it was actually a rather hard, leather soled shoe.  For whatever reason, it was only the boys who got the slipper - girls escaped corporal punishment and got after-school detention instead.  I'd have given my right arm for a few whacks with the slipper in preference to an hour of my social time being wasted!


The school stopped using it for boys too after loads of us girls demanded equality and the right to have our arrrses beaten instead of getting detention.  

01-14-2014 11:19 AM
LedBoots Wow, I had never heard of caning until that American guy got sentenced in (I believe) China to being caned years ago and the media went ballistic. For adults being caned, I don't have much of an opinion.

And re: the topic, my husband and I weren't veg*n when our kids were young, and we never hit them.
01-14-2014 10:14 AM

Growing up in Singapore, I've been caned before, and caning is the norm here. Not just in the family, but also in schools (we typically resort to caning before suspension or expulsion) and prison.


I won't say that caning is as harmful to a child's development as people who aren't used to a culture of caning may make it out to be, but I do think that caning definitely teaches you not to do things for the wrong reasons - because you fear punishment, and not because you understand that what you're doing is wrong. It's not just that. Whenever my parents resorted to caning, it was never a calm, deliberated action. It was always when they were furious, and more than the physical pain of being caned, it is the sheer amount of negative energy in the atmosphere that I cannot forget. I did think that, more than just punishment, they were venting their anger on me. Eventually, however, after being caned one day I took their cane and broke it in half, and that was probably when they decided that I was too old for it to work any more.


I've also witnessed caning in school, which is much more dispassionate. The reason why you would be caned, typically, is when bullying or physical harm is involved. Also, caning is only ever done on boys, never girls. Girls go straight to suspension. Caning is done in the hall, in front of the entire student body, with the principal giving a speech on how seriously the school takes discipline beforehand. Yes, it's not just physical discipline, but also public shaming. In this instance it does feel a lot like the school is relying on fear, rather than reason, to guide us. That said, I don't think that bullying is as bad in Singapore as it is in the US (based on what I understand of bullying in the US through popular media, plus the fact that bullying-related suicides are basically non-existent in Singapore), and caning is partially to thank for this. A bully, once caned, rarely resorts to bullying again. Also, caning is an extremely effective deterrent. In that sense, where a victim is concerned, it might be justifiable to use to caning as an immediate solution to stop the victimisation. I'm more sympathetic of caning in school than caning at home. In fact, the guy who was caned told me that he understood that he 'deserved' it.


Going vegan hasn't changed my views of caning at all.

01-14-2014 07:04 AM
" ome studies have been done. In one set of analyses with young children in the laboratory, time outs worked just as well as spanking for (immediate) subsequent compliance on 30 tasks assigned by the mother. Long-term compliance is decreased after spanking (Gershoff, 2002; Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2013).

In terms of whether parental aggression (spanking) decreases aggression in the child, the answer is no. In fact, spanking tends to increase child aggression. “Spanking predicted increases in children’s aggression over and above initial levels [of aggressive behavior]” and “in none of these longitudinal studies did spanking predict reductions in children’s aggression over time” (p. 134). Instead, spanking predicted increases in children’s aggression. "
01-14-2014 07:01 AM
LedBoots Just about every child behavioral specialist (who isn't religion-based) recommends never using corporal punishment on children.
01-05-2014 06:21 PM
princess tofu

I had a moment of weakness one time; my daughter was almost 2, and she was mad at me for putting her in a time out, and spit in my face from about 6 inches. I immediately popped her in the mouth, regretted it, and sat her on her bed and gave myself a time out in front of her. I then apologized, we both cried, and nothing has ever happened since.


I understand the things that can lead to it but I will never agree with or accept it as something that is okay to do. 

01-02-2014 04:19 AM
Originally Posted by RedPill View Post

I punished my son with flipper on the bottom.



Beating your son's backside with a dolphin seems a bit extreme :naughty:


I wasn't vegan when I smacked my boys so I'm absolved of guilt ........................ joking, obviously!  

Yes I've smacked both of my boys when they were younger; both occasions were the result of losing my temper.  I'm not proud of that.

Those who say walk away from the situation and calm down don't get how difficult that can be if you are a single parent.  

01-02-2014 02:58 AM

I punished my son with flipper on the bottom.


He's grown up to be a well-adjusted member of society and harbors no ill-will toward for my methods.

06-22-2013 08:18 AM

I  dont spank unless it is necessary, a must. Other than that we try to talk it out or I will use time outs.

04-01-2013 01:04 PM
La Grenouille
Originally Posted by Anonymous2 View Post

If I had children, I wouldn't even raise my voice to them. I would try my absolute hardest to be patient, gentle and loving at all times.

That's what everyone says when they don't have children. The first thing you know, you lost your temper, you yelled, and you feel darn guilty.
04-01-2013 11:04 AM

I'm opposed to it. There's strong evidence linking it to aggression, anxiety and other mental health issues and I think it sends the wrong message to children (using violence as a means of reasoning with people). I can understand why some good parents might reluctantly think it was necessary (the people who don't hit their children out of anger) but in practice, I think there are better ways.


If I had children, I wouldn't even raise my voice to them. I would try my absolute hardest to be patient, gentle and loving at all times. Not that I think I would make a good father.

03-31-2013 07:54 PM
La Grenouille I have spanked my children, not often, but once was already too much.

Fear was what stopped me. I was raised with violence, fearing my father. I realised how terrible my actions really were when I saw fear in my son’s eyes. It hurt, and I was all to blame.

Now, when I feel that rage coming, I just lock myself in my room, until I'm calm.

I may not hit my children anymore, but I can understand how a parent can be driven to doing it.
03-26-2013 12:47 PM

I was spanked as a child.  My parents were spanked as children.  So when I had my son, I thought that was the way it is.  I have never spanked my son, but I have smaked his hands, or butt a time or two.  But I learned that this is not effective!  And it made me feel terrible!  He started smacking me back, smaking other kids, smacking the cat, etc.  I knew right then and there that smacking him is wrong and now I don't ever do it any more.  I found it much more effective to give him time-outs, or keep him from watching his favorite show on TV, or take a toy away.  For instance, I tell him to pick up his toys, I get "no" and so I pick up one of  his toys, and carry it over to the garbage can and ask him "do you want me to throw them away?"  He starts throwing a fit "no, no no no!" and crying.  I say, if you don't want me to throw them away, you  had better put them away.  You wouldn't believe how fast he puts them away.  On the occasion he still refuses, I do throw it in the garbage, then later when he is in bed, I pull it out, and put it downstairs in a closit for a couple of months.  Toys are too expensive to just throw away!  But this seems to work well.


For bath time, I use the favorite show tactic.  "Do you want to watch Wild Kratts?"


"well them you better take a bath, then we can watch your show..."  If he still refuses, I put him to bed early without show. 


I think you just have to do what works best with your own kid.  Kids require a LOT of patience though.  It can be really tough.

03-23-2013 03:36 AM
Schuh I am afraid I am guilty of having smacked my eldest on the hand, when she wouldn't leave our old German Shepherd alone. I had tried every which way in the book to get her to stop and it was a last resort. I was raised with a violent mother, and it didnt sit comfortably with me AT ALL, but I was at the end of my rope, out of ideas and afraid that if she continued, then the dog would do much worse.
Anyway, it all became screamingly apparent that my initial instinct was right when one day she started slapping me in temper. I had no right to tell her off about it, because I had done the same to her.
Since then I haven't smacked her, instead I just pick her up and take her out of the situation, or if it is safe to, when she has a meltdown, I leave her to it, and don't pay the behaviour any attention.
It seems to be working because now I have a very polite, loving, confident,bright little three year old who (thankfully) hasn't any behavioural issues whatsoever. I always get complimented on how lovely she is. I truly believe that if I had continued to smack as a form of punishment, she would still be in the tantrum phase now as so many of her peers are.

So I say unequivocally, that there are so many other ways to teach children about unacceptable behaviour.
03-18-2013 09:37 AM

I don't see why I would constantly tell my 3 year old to be "gentle" with his baby brother or the dog, only to turn around and hit him!


When his brother (4 months) cries, he strokes his head and says "it's okay, it's okay".... blush.gif

My parents did, out of anger, not out of "discipline" (I think not all spanking is out of anger but out of misguided belief that it is 'discipline'), and I swore I would never do it to them.


I had terrible postnatal depression with my first and that (in a way) helped me learn how to just walk away when angry. Dr. Sears has a very simple phrase that I follow: "connect, with respect".


I did smack his hand once out of panic but he had grabbed a kitchen knife. It wasn't really discipline but a short-sighted attempt to get it out of his hands (which didn't even work, ugh, not proud of that!!!)

03-17-2013 09:15 PM

No spanking, hitting whatsoever. I raised a son (he's 27 now), who could be a holy terror at times, but never spanked. Cranky kid equals kid who needs a nap or is hungry. My son always needed a lot of outdoor play time. He was very active. He actually reminded me of a puppy. Lots of fresh air and physical activity was needed. Feed kids a healthy diet and limit television and computer time.

03-12-2013 03:12 PM

Way I see it children follow the example of their parents whether they like it or not. So all your doing is teaching children that violence is a good way to deal with bad behaviour in others.

03-11-2013 04:55 PM
MaeBeeJune We don't spank.
01-21-2013 10:43 AM
Jennifer C
Originally Posted by mollycakes View Post


Sometimes I have to check myself, and evaluate my anger, then I am able to cool down.

If more parents did this, I bet they wouldn't be hitting their kids.

I agree with this statement a lot. I think some parents run into the issue of feeling angry and simply not knowing how to deal with it - even when that anger/stress/sadness is not related to your kid.

01-21-2013 08:55 AM


They noted that when parents in more than 500 families were trained to reduce their use of physical punishment, the difficult behaviours in the children also declined. source: CBC News


IMHO nothing positive comes out of violence, good thing old ways are changing!

01-21-2013 07:42 AM

I used to be smacked/physically punished as a kid in tandem with a poor upbringing. I can say as a product of spanking in every sense, from lightly to beaten, that it's not ok. There are times when I see it being done that I get a mental jolt of panic, remembering how scared I was when it was happening to me as well as empathizing with the abused.


We raise our kids that it's not ok to hit others and doing so can get you into a lot of trouble. So why would it be allowed at home?


I used to work in retail where I've seen a lot of abuse. There was one instance I'll never forget and it wasn't necessarily the worst I've seen. It connected with me because I watched a lady pull a little girl about 3 or 4 by her hair to direct her where to go and discourage her away from things. This was the method most used on me since I've always had long hair so it was always an easy handle. The lady didn't pull really hard but I knew it hurt. I watched the quiet girl stand on her toes each time to lessen the pain. I never wanted to punch someone so hard in my life.


In short, physical abuse has no place in advanced society. We should be able to settle and communicate our problems instead of resorting to cheap violence.

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