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  Topic Review (Newest First)
05-19-2008 05:20 PM
Gwendolyn I don't think there is anything wrong with it..Sometimes it's more conveniant financially, or otherwise, and it just makes more sense. Do what makes you happy.
05-19-2008 03:45 PM
Abbey My boyfriend and I have been living together for exactly a year (a year and a half if you count the fact that I practically lived at his place for the 6 months prior to moving in). We don't plan on getting married, we're just going to "shack up" forever
05-19-2008 03:35 PM
IamJen Still more congratulations!
05-19-2008 03:26 PM
Wolfie
Quote:
Originally Posted by animallover7249 View Post

Congrats!!!



Double congrats!
05-18-2008 01:45 PM
GhostUser
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpickell View Post

My girlfriend just moved in with me. It just made the most sense and I think it's great. We're not in a rush to get married, but definitely seem to be headed in that direction.



Congrats!!!
05-18-2008 01:27 PM
kpickell My girlfriend just moved in with me. It just made the most sense and I think it's great. We're not in a rush to get married, but definitely seem to be headed in that direction.
05-18-2008 09:09 AM
nookle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Absolut View Post

...they NEVER argue.. they NEVER disagree......



Maybe because seeing each other once or twice a week at church over 7 months doesn't offer many opportunities to disagree on anything? Or maybe she's just been trained to be properly 'dominion oriented'.
05-18-2008 06:10 AM
Absolut My partner and I live together. I had BIG worries first of all.. since this was pretty much both of our first relationships and living together was a major conveniance thing (he moved from another country to be with me, we didnt meet on the internet.. he worked over here for 6 months and we met at the start of that, then i visited him for 2 weeks, he visited me, and then moved here.. oh and he called me everday we were apart for an hour from a pay phone haha) but he was pretty sure about it... and now I wouldn't change it for anything!!



A girl at my work is engaged and about to be married in a couple of months.. she's 21 and her partner is 20.. they've been together 7 months and haven't lived together.. (and lived in seperate cities for a few months of their relationship).. they NEVER argue.. they NEVER disagree... it just doesn't seem right to me..

They're both religious. (Also geez the amount of money they're spending on the wedding.. crazy.. put it towards a damn house or something)
05-11-2008 12:04 PM
lobsteriffic
Quote:
Originally Posted by nookle View Post

Again - I don't think it's that living together is a risk factor - I think it's just a co-existing trait of people who are less likely to stay married. For a ton of reasons. But the simple act of living together - I don't think it changes anything.



Risk factor doesn't necessarily mean it's a cause, I totally agree with you on that. It just means the chances are higher for whatever reason, it could be any variable.
05-11-2008 11:12 AM
nookle
Quote:
Originally Posted by kali View Post

people look for something to blame other than themselves when they break up. the old excuse of it must have been because we lived together is really delusional imo.



And a throwback to the mentality that living together is a bad thing not done by respectable people.
05-11-2008 11:09 AM
GhostUser people look for something to blame other than themselves when they break up. the old excuse of it must have been because we lived together is really delusional imo.
05-11-2008 11:04 AM
nookle
Quote:
Originally Posted by lobsteriffic View Post

...research shows that living together before marriage is risk factor for divorce. That being said, it doesn't mean you're 100% for sure going to get divorced...it just means that the odds are higher. But there are TONS of other risk factors too (e.g., age, education, length of engagement, etc.)...



Again - I don't think it's that living together is a risk factor - I think it's just a co-existing trait of people who are less likely to stay married. For a ton of reasons. But the simple act of living together - I don't think it changes anything.
05-11-2008 11:01 AM
nookle
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrosev14 View Post

...With that being said, the research studies indicate that living together prior to marriage is a bad idea and the percentage of marriages that last after living together is smaller than the percentage of marriages that last who have never lived together. I personally plan on giving my marriage the best possible chance to last.



Here is a good article from Rutgers: http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publicat...LT2%20TEXT.htm



I remember reading that - but I think it may be one of the millions of examples of information that might not be as simple as it seems. Surprisingly, living together is still somewhat frowned upon in many places, so I think that it would be likely that a good number of people 'shackin' up' are people outside of the good graces of public opinion. So that could alter the number. People who live together may be people who are more likely to see reality, and therefore not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of the vows. Another possibility. I'd say there are many people who live together, not planning to marry, but then do so for a variety of stupid reasons - societal pressure, better student loans, tax breaks, etc. I would guess that people who live together before marriage are, as a group, less religious than people who don't, and I think religion holds people in marriages they shouldn't be in. I think that this information has more to do with people who have relationship issues in the first place than it does with 'living together causes marriage to fail'.
05-11-2008 08:32 AM
gillibean
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyPerv View Post

A thought...



Where would you go to find people who didn't live together before getting married??? Perhaps, you'd seek out a group that has moral/religious convictions against such a sin??? And, wouldn't this same group view divorce as a sin as well?



I wouldn't be a very fair study, if the variables were between two groups...one group believing they'll burn for all eternity for either living with someone of the opposite sex, or divorcing someone they've married...



...versus the second group, with no/few religious/moral convictions about living with someone of the opposite sex, and no/few religious/moral convictions against divorce should things turn ugly (abusive, oppressive, adultery, etc...)



That's why I think people should essentially ignore the study. It's biased by nature and the researchers don't really include that in their conclusions plus the media makes up their own ideas anyway.
05-11-2008 08:31 AM
Hazelnut
Quote:
Originally Posted by rabid_child View Post

Yep, I'm living in sin. I think it's great. This is the second significant other I've lived with... the first... I'm SO GLAD we moved in together because it showed me a side of him that I would NOT want to deal with for the rest of my life!! Currently, I think it's taught us to work better together and that we communicate well and can deal with issues that arise, etc... I don't think I'd want to marry someone I hadn't lived with.



And I don't care what one study says -- that isn't enough for me to conclude anything. There's probably 100 intervening variables that contribute to that outcome.



A thought...



Where would you go to find people who didn't live together before getting married??? Perhaps, you'd seek out a group that has moral/religious convictions against such a sin??? And, wouldn't this same group view divorce as a sin as well?



I wouldn't be a very fair study, if the variables were between two groups...one group believing they'll burn for all eternity for either living with someone of the opposite sex, or divorcing someone they've married...



...versus the second group, with no/few religious/moral convictions about living with someone of the opposite sex, and no/few religious/moral convictions against divorce should things turn ugly (abusive, oppressive, adultery, etc...)
05-11-2008 08:25 AM
rabid_child Yep, I'm living in sin. I think it's great. This is the second significant other I've lived with... the first... I'm SO GLAD we moved in together because it showed me a side of him that I would NOT want to deal with for the rest of my life!! Currently, I think it's taught us to work better together and that we communicate well and can deal with issues that arise, etc... I don't think I'd want to marry someone I hadn't lived with.



And I don't care what one study says -- that isn't enough for me to conclude anything. There's probably 100 intervening variables that contribute to that outcome.
05-11-2008 08:02 AM
gillibean
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyPerv View Post

I'm definitely a 'live together first' kind of person.



It was through living together, that I discovered my ex was an abusive jerk. He had no reason to behave that way when we were 'dating' but once we moved in together, I became his property.



When I finally got the balls to throw him out it was simple...he left... And I was very glad to not have to go through a long divorce, and was able to hop right into therapy to regain some of my life back.



But anyways, my main reasons for wanting to live with someone is laziness. Yup. I want to come home from work...relax...and have my SO already there so I don't have to get dressed and get ready to go out to see him/her.



Plus, it's a lot cheaper. Eventually, a relationship is going to reach a point where one of you is always at the other person's place anyway, so one of your places is going unused.



PLUS, it's not very nice to your pets if you're rarely home because you're over at someone else's house...or vise versa...



So yeah...as soon as I think I can live with someone without killing them...I'd say it's time to push the dogs and cats together, and get a king sized bed so there's enough room for everyone. (None of my pets like to sleep on the floor...and if there's not enough room, my guy might wake up with a 60lb dog on top of him).



But...stay reasonable... Each of you should have enough money to get out of there if you have to.



I've been there! It's not a comfortable position to sleep in at all.
05-10-2008 08:14 PM
Hazelnut I'm definitely a 'live together first' kind of person.



It was through living together, that I discovered my ex was an abusive jerk. He had no reason to behave that way when we were 'dating' but once we moved in together, I became his property.



When I finally got the balls to throw him out it was simple...he left... And I was very glad to not have to go through a long divorce, and was able to hop right into therapy to regain some of my life back.



But anyways, my main reasons for wanting to live with someone is laziness. Yup. I want to come home from work...relax...and have my SO already there so I don't have to get dressed and get ready to go out to see him/her.



Plus, it's a lot cheaper. Eventually, a relationship is going to reach a point where one of you is always at the other person's place anyway, so one of your places is going unused.



PLUS, it's not very nice to your pets if you're rarely home because you're over at someone else's house...or vise versa...



So yeah...as soon as I think I can live with someone without killing them...I'd say it's time to push the dogs and cats together, and get a king sized bed so there's enough room for everyone. (None of my pets like to sleep on the floor...and if there's not enough room, my guy might wake up with a 60lb dog on top of him).



But...stay reasonable... Each of you should have enough money to get out of there if you have to.
05-10-2008 07:58 PM
MyrtleXeiba I don't want to live with a significant other until marriage. I can see why many people would want to live together before marriage. It may be part of my christian beliefs, but really I think that I want the excitment of moving in together after! I want to be able to save something for marriage.
05-10-2008 12:05 AM
dreena I think there is good and bad. The good being that you find out stuff about the person before you seal the deal and are like oh crap I already got married and I hate this person jk. I think it would be way worse to go through a break up when you were living with someone. I think actually statistically people who move in together before marriage have a higher divorce rate, but who knows, everyone seems like they get divorced these days I think people should be together awhile before they move in, and not move in because they have to (like financial reasons), because it could wreck the relationship.
05-07-2008 01:52 PM
jeneticallymodified 'low commitment ethic'?



i don't know if the people who wrote that study realise that anyone can legally walk out of a marriage- and a piece of paper, white dress, and a ring doesn't automatically give you some kind of special accompanying emotional commitment unless you decide to attach one to it.



i'm not married. but i think i'm pretty commited. i quit my job, left all of my friends and family, and hauled my bum 2,000 to a completely different continent where i knew just the one person, to live in sin *snickers* with my partner.



yep, i could walk away at any time. but it'd not exactly be easy either logistically, emotionally, or financially. so could my mate who got married to a guy from her home town, and who... ooh, wait a mnute- did... she walked the whole 0.25 miles to her mum and dads house.



of course she had to get a lawyer, legally untangle herself from this guy, sell a house, find somewhere new to live, change her name back, divide all the joint bank account and joint possession stuff up, pay out a load of money and spend a load of time in doing so, blah blah blah... but so might i, with the exemption of the name change, and the addition of not being legally likely to get half of the stuff, or any kind of free money (spousal support?) out of the bloke.



i don't get it when people suggest that marriage=commitment. it equals a tie, legally, and a symbol. you can choose to be commited or not, like you can choose to be married or not. you can totally choose one without the other.
05-07-2008 01:33 PM
sybaritik
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrosev14 View Post

I don't want to live with my BF prior to marriage in order to give my marriage the best chance based on studies done. It isn't a religious thing, he comes up and visits on the weekends, I visit him down where he lives on the weekends. It is a personal decision we made based on research that has been done.



Do what you feel is right, but personally, I wouldn't put any faith in a study that comes to this conclusion:



Limit cohabitation to the shortest possible period of time. The longer you live together with a partner, the more likely it is that the low-commitment ethic of cohabitation will take hold, the opposite of what is required for a successful marriage.



There are so many relationships that I know of where the couple have been living together long term, like over a decade, that it blows that theory right out of the water.



I think the opposite of that tends to happen more often....the longer you are together the more commited you become.
05-07-2008 12:56 PM
Dana in IN I'm trying to think of anyone that I know that didn't live together first. I could only come up with one person and that was just because they lived in different states. My husband and I along with all of our brothers and sisters all lived with our spouses before getting married. We've all been married anywhere from 14 years to 5 years now and none are divorced. I personally can't imagine getting married and moving in the same weekend. The stress would have killed me! Plus I think I went in to my marriage with much more realistic expectations having already lived with him and learned all his habits.
05-07-2008 11:18 AM
chryssiie718 I did not live with my first husband before marriage tho I spent most of my time at his apartment. This was MANY years ago before "shacking up" became so common. I did live with my current husband for a year before we got married. I do think it is a good idea as one does learn a lot about the person that you probably wouldn't know if you did not live together for a while. I think studies can be manipulated and would not base my life on them. I am all for personal choice however, and whatever one decides is entirely up to them.
05-07-2008 11:16 AM
synergy
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenrunner View Post

Living together is so much fun! But makes the break up so much harder.







But just imagine how much harder a divorce would be!



I was engaged to a guy I dated for 3.5 years. We would be divorced now if we had gotten married.

Fortunately, we shacked up first so I could see what a lazy bum he truly was.
05-07-2008 11:05 AM
mrosev14
Quote:
Originally Posted by sybaritik View Post

That would depend on your reasons for not wanting to live with someone before marriage.



I don't want to live with my BF prior to marriage in order to give my marriage the best chance based on studies done. It isn't a religious thing, he comes up and visits on the weekends, I visit him down where he lives on the weekends. It is a personal decision we made based on research that has been done.
05-07-2008 10:29 AM
lobsteriffic
Quote:
Originally Posted by kazyeeqen View Post


Also, correlation does not equal causation. Woo-hoo psych 101.



I was just going to post that...that's pretty much our mantra from stats class...
05-07-2008 10:28 AM
sybaritik
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrosev14 View Post

I am not following "rules" based on any religion.



That would depend on your reasons for not wanting to live with someone before marriage.
05-07-2008 06:40 AM
mrosev14 I just wanted to mention that just because a couple doesn't want to cohabitate doesn't make them religious. I am making this decision based on psychology studies that have been done. It is a thought out a planned decision. I am not following "rules" based on any religion.
05-07-2008 01:05 AM
kazyeeqen Co-habitation rocks, right along with the option to get divorced. Freedom is cool, I say.



I found planning our wedding to be intensely stressful, and I would sure have hated to plan a move at the same time. That's just me though.



Also, correlation does not equal causation. Woo-hoo psych 101.
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