Critique my email to a CEO please - VeggieBoards
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#1 Old 01-30-2008, 09:19 AM
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I subscribe to a lot of lists. One of which is a travel list in which the CEO of this company was talking about his trip to Vietnam. I'm fond of the company and his trip was really interesting. He had a section in there written which, I guess, was supposed to be funny. He ate something the locals said, "Is like your Spam" but later noticed there were no old dogs in the village. He said he got sick at the idea of eating dog (hey! I can relate!). I had to reply:



Quote:

Thanks for an interesting story! Did you find the place you were looking for? It sounds like a real adventure. Best of luck to you! I am going to visit Vietnam some time in the future (maybe 7yrs from now?) and your photos as well as the writing are well done and inspiring. There's my compliment. Here comes a critique: I find it amusing/ironic you thought the dog spam was gross. Pigs and dogs are equally sentient and capable of suffering. Okay, that's my critique.



Cheers!



Think I should have said more, less, other? I'm trying to open my mouth and deliver messages of compassion and tolerance wherever I can, even if it's just a little email.
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#2 Old 01-30-2008, 10:48 AM
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Right now, it's a bit abrupt. I wouldn't point out that you are going to critique, just transition to it. I don't know the story you're commenting on, so this is my uneducated edit of your text.



Quote:
Thanks for an interesting story! Did you find the place you were looking for? I hope to visit Vietnam some time in the future. It sounds like a real adventure. Your photos and writing are well done and inspiring. However, I found your comments regarding dog spam to be ironic. Pigs and dogs are equally sentient and capable of suffering. Add another sentence or two here on the topic, then a closing statement.



Best of luck to you.

(your name here)



Don't take my punctuation, grammar, or spelling as 100% accurate, though. I draw stuff for a living ... and don't always get to practice perfect writing skills.
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#3 Old 01-30-2008, 11:00 AM
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Hmm good point. My fiance said the same thing, but then again she's less interested in pushing her opinion on people than I am. Thanks!
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#4 Old 01-30-2008, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jinga View Post

Right now, it's a bit abrupt. I wouldn't point out that you are going to critique, just transition to it. I don't know the story you're commenting on, so this is my uneducated edit of your text.







Don't take my punctuation, grammar, or spelling as 100% accurate, though. I draw stuff for a living ... and don't always get to practice perfect writing skills.



I agree with Jinga's edits. The heart of the letter has already been drawn out. Inserting that smooth transition completed the puzzle in my mind. Let us know how it turns out!
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#5 Old 01-30-2008, 06:55 PM
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Update: He wrote back and thanked me for my words and, about the critique, said: "I do appreciate your critique, too. Interesting point!" I doubt I've made a convert of him, but I did plant the seed.
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